Raju is an old friend. If I can recall it right - I remember him from my days in a Nursery School called Sishu Aakash somewhere in South Calcutta. Hence, he was the person there whom I had known for the maximum numbers of years now. Not that we were the best of friends but somewhere we both were proud to know each other for such a long time now.

And as Raju said ' “Guys, I need to confess something …” ' my head turned and my jaw dropped automatically, with a faint ' "Kya? What?" coming out of my mouth.

Raju had held his head low for sometime now. He didn't even bother to acknowledge my odd "Kya?".

"You crying?" Vicky said.

By that time, Lee had supposedly finished his puke. His face seemed much sobered now. He stood behind Raju, held his shoulders and asked ' "Whats the matter?"

"What happened?" said a surprisingly composed Shayan.

"I don't know if I will be ever able to forgive myself." Said Raju looking straight to my eyes. The look was so piercing ' I had remove the eye-contact before I questioned again ' "What the hell happened, Raju?"

By the time I asked ' Raju had started howling. Howling fiercely.

Vicky got up. Held Raju's shoulder and tried telling something but stopped.

Lee & Ashu were as good as statues. Didn't know how to react.

I was frantically trying to find words but couldn't.

Me & Vicky stared at each other ' dumb. Shayan closed his eyes and was breathing heavily. Lee had already finished his next can of beer. And, Ashu was too, drunk I guess to even react

"Will you talk, for God' sake?" ' Suddenly shouted Shayan breaking the silence and his image of a patient head.

Shayan rose gulped his peg in one shot and said ' "What the fuck can be more horrendous than getting screwed by your own BROTHER? ' Yeah!!! Man your own fucking BROTHER!!!"

He shouted the words 'brother' enough loud for it to echo & break the drowsiness that set into Ashu.

Vicku got up ' pushed Shayan onto his seat and said ' "Sshhhhhhhhh . Please .. Please .. Please".

"Hhhhmmmmmmm " ' gurgled out Shayan.

"Do you remember ' in Class 7 ' we went to Mumbai for a couple of months for our vacation to our Pisi's (Paternal Aunt) place." ' Raju said suddenly ' looking at me directly.

"Yes" ' I replied ' without thinking and recalling anything about his trip. He was talking about a time about 15 years ago. I frankly didn't remember anything. But, I had to answer in affirmation at that stage ' I did.

"Tinku" ' stopped Raju.

"She was my Pisi's daughter ' just one year younger to me and perhaps my best friend then " ' said Raju as silent tears rolled his trembling cheeks.

None of us ' uttered a single word.

"You know guys, we waited the entire year to see each other at the end of the year. Wow!!! We had shared the best time together. I still remember the castles we made on sand and ofcourse those paper balls we used to hit people with" ' Raju was smiling.

"But you never told us about her" ' Vicku said, as he lit up his imported cigarette.

"Never had a chance, Vix" ' replied Raju.

"Ya! We were on this usual year-end trip to Mumbai. And then " ' fumbled Raju.

"And then ?" ' Lee involuntarily asked.

"Babri happened." ' Raju was stern. His face hardened.

"On its aftermath ' we got stuck in Mumbai like many families. Nowhere to move. We kept ourselves closed and hidden behind the doors." ' Raju stopped for a deep breathe.

"One morning ' I woke up to a huge sound outside our room ' a pistol it was. As I ran towards the door my mother caught me by my neck & pushed me onto the ground and shoved me below the bed. She hurriedly joined me there. I could clearly see the next room from where I was "

"What happened Raju?" ' asked a concerned Shayan.

"I saw a few men. They were jostling with my father and uncle. I couldn't see what they were fighting for. But these men were pulling something from the hands of my father and uncle. They were fighting. Suddenly someone kicked my father in the stomach. He fell down. And that loosened my uncle's grip. These men pulled it from their hands ".

Raju looked blankly at us.

"Yes ' that was Tinku." ' tears rolled down his cheeks as he started fumbling and searching for words.

"Ahhhhhhhhh Whaaaaaaaa " ' gasped Vicku as he tried to hold his shoulders. Raju pushed him off.

"I am not finished Vix ' I am not yet finished".

"I saw my father and uncle wriggle in pain as these men dragged Tinku out of the house. I don't remember Tinku shout ' I think she was by that time senseless or maybe dead." ' said Raju.

We didn't dare interrupt him.

"I was itching to go out and fight those men. My mother held me tight. But I guess at that age I could over-power her ' and I did so. I broke off her hold and ran behind those men. They jumped onto a jeep and drove away. I didn't give up. I ran behind them. Mumbai was burning. We never stepped out of our houses after the demolition. This was my first time. But I ran. I ran and ran and . Suddenly the jeep disappeared into a corner. I ran and entered this big dark building. The jeep was parked." ' stopped Raju.

"I mustered all my courage and entered it. By that time I was scared. Scared to my bone. Then suddenly someone came & held me from behind and took me to a corner. I turned around to find an old fat dirty woman. She smelled foul. She looked at me with piercing eyes. Then she said 'Why are you here? Go! Just run away from this place ' save yourself, boy.' Then suddenly I heard a cry no a shriek actually ' yes! It was Tinku. She wasn't dead. I looked at the woman ' as tears rolled down my eyes. She said ' 'Run you bloody Hindu. I can't save her. I won't save her. You will listen to more such squeals of your mothers and sisters ' we will do the same that you did to us. Run away - you bastard. Go!!!'. And I ran."

"Yes I ran away. Scared. Shattered."

Nobody spoke. Nobody had the courage.

"I am sorry, Raju." ' Shayan muttered.

I saw Lee was holding Ashu. And Ashu was crying. Nobody heard him crying though. Raju was amazingly calm.

" And my dear friends, this bloody Raja Ray ' came back empty handed. Without my sister. Without my best friend. Without "

"Did she ever ???" ' interrupted Vicku.

"Nahhh !!! She never came back. I could have saved her. Couldn't I?" ' asked Raju looking at me.

"No . Yeahhh errrrr ummmmmmmmm . You were too young then .. I mean you couldn't have fought with .. uummmmmm " ' I was searching for words to come. But they didn't.

No one interrupted me. I stopped all by myself ' I ran out of my emotions to say anything more.

Everyone including me kept their heads low.

"We can never fight destiny. We can never fight life." ' I spoke to myself.

I suppose we were not even moving an inch. The air from the AC seemed colder. We just drank. As if robots. We just kept quiet and drank.

Then as I thought it was all over, Ashu said ' "Can you tell me ' was I wrong ?"

And we all looked up to him

(… to be continued)

There was a loud sound of “CHEERS” in my room - as glasses clinked & clanked, spilling scotch and beer on the carpet. Occasion - one of our very close friend, Shayan was back to Kolkata from California after 2 years - for helping in arrangements of his elder brother’s marriage, in June this year. We have known each other since school, though he is a year younger to us - his vivacious nature made him very nonclassical.

Shayan’s elder brother, Pritom who is a lot sober and serious, is couple of years senior to us and also a friend, on and off the volley and basketball courts. He has become closer to us - since his brother left for California, and remains conspicuous by his absence in our circle, whenever his younger brother is around - its obvious they don't share slangs or drinks between them.

This is what he calls is a “Thin line in Brotherhood”. Anyways - back to our episode. The evening was young, fresh and the mood had just started sinking. As Jagjit Singh sang a Ghazal in his husky voice, in the background - we felt as if the much-needed rejuvenation of our group has happened as Shayan took us over with this witty answers and stories about his blonde girlfriends in the States. We were very happily unaware of what was going to hit us in almost an hour time.

Needless to say, people were pretty high after emptying a few bottles. Discussion slowly did a U-Turn from mirth to sentimental stuff. Some of the guys started blabbering their love & friendship for Shayan, and how we all missed him for the past 2 years. Shayan, on his part was also very emotionally elated. Topics of discussion shifted like compartments of a running train - it started with Shayan’s life in the States, to polka dots underwear, to the classic voices of Asha Bhonsle, to the Sourav Ganguly debate, to Salman Rushdie, to marriages, sex etc etc …

About an hour or so - when people started mellowing down. Shayan suddenly said -

“I have to tell you guys something …”.

Somebody answered - “Ya! Its your evening, you can tell us any stuff you want …”.

“Its serious, its about me …” - he said. We took notice.

“I am not able to sleep properly for the last few weeks - something terrible haunts me every time, I go to sleep.”

Raju said - “Abe, kya dealing phek raha hai, kuch hai to bata. warna …”.

He smiled sarcastically, cleared his vocal chord and said in a very low voice - “I was raped, as a child.”

The room suddenly went silent. I could hear everyone breathe - heavy breathes. The silence was so chilling - I had to break it. But, before I could say a letter - Shayan started crying … rather loud.

I looked around. Raju sat with his head down. Vicky closed his eyes as he clasped the whisky glass enough hard to break it. Lee was aimlessly looking at the ceiling. Ashu looked back at me with an expression - that I should react first. I did.

I held Shayan by his shoulder. The delay of our reaction - had already mellowed Shayan a bit. He wasn’t howling anymore.

Suddenly, Lee asked - “Who the fuck, was it ?”

“None of your damn business. It's his past & it hurts” - yelled back Ashu.

“What the fuck Ashu? Ya its his past - & thats why I need to know and you need to know.” - retorted Lee.

“What happened … tell us …” - said Raju softly, as if taking sides with Lee.

I dont think either Vicky or me had the right confidence to speak at that time. We kept mum.

Shayan after good long 2 minutes composed himself and spoke finally." I don't remember much of it. I was perhaps too young about 6/7 years old maybe … “. There was absolute silence in that pause. Everybody was looking at Shayan except Lee who reverted back to his original position of looking at the ceiling aimlessly.

“It was Bontuda.” Bontu was Pritom, Shayan’s very own elder brother.

“What the fu….”. Ashu stopped Raju with a gesture of his hands.

“I … I don't remember much of it now - neither do I want to think about it.

It was years back when he had one afternoon did something to me. I didnt realize it then until a few years back.”

“He will be gone for good, that bastard …. ” - shouted Lee suddenly stopping Shayan.

“Hhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm … ” - a guggle came out of Vicky - there was a strange & rare anger & pain in his eyes.

Shayan restarted - “It pained a lot then. No, he didnt ever repeat that. But somehow - the vague images dont leave me. I … I think it will haunt me to death, someday …"

“Hhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm … ” - another guggle came out of Vicky.

“And, now when he is getting married ….”, paused Shayan.

“… I just can’t tolerate his happiness and I have no fucking idea why am I telling you all these things. Maybe I cannot be a man enough ever …” - said Shayan as tears rolled down his cheeks.

Next 2 to 3 minutes was pure hell. Never thought Hell was so easy to find in silence.

Vicky broke it - “Have you told this to anyone?”

“Hmmm” - Shayan shook his head.

“To Reshmi.”

“Reshmi ???” questioned Raju.

“Hmmm” - Shayan shook his head.

Reshmi, I recalled was Shayan’s girlfriend during his years in Scottish Church. A very petite, mediocre girl. They broke up before Shayan landed in US of A. Guess - she didnot want Shayan to leave. We never knew the exact reason though.

“What did she say … ???” asked Raju.

“What can she …” smiled Shayan.

“We were in love, and she was very supportive. She calmed me and said she would be always there for me … no matter what and all that crap you know.”

“Ok” replied Raju.

“I need to puke, I drank out of my limits today” said Lee looking at me.

I shook my head and pointed towards the bathroom. Lee literally ran out of the room.

I was feeling hapless, very helpless … didn't know how to change topic or to help Shayan or to get out of that room. I wasn't speaking. No one was speaking. I guess, everyone was feeling the same …

Until ofcourse, Raju suddenly said - “Guys, I need to confess something …”

(… to be continued)