Confessions - I

There was a loud sound of “CHEERS” in my room - as glasses clinked & clanked, spilling scotch and beer on the carpet. Occasion - one of our very close friend, Shayan was back to Kolkata from California after 2 years - for helping in arrangements of his elder brother’s marriage, in June this year. We have known each other since school, though he is a year younger to us - his vivacious nature made him very nonclassical.

Shayan’s elder brother, Pritom who is a lot sober and serious, is couple of years senior to us and also a friend, on and off the volley and basketball courts. He has become closer to us - since his brother left for California, and remains conspicuous by his absence in our circle, whenever his younger brother is around - its obvious they don't share slangs or drinks between them.

This is what he calls is a “Thin line in Brotherhood”. Anyways - back to our episode. The evening was young, fresh and the mood had just started sinking. As Jagjit Singh sang a Ghazal in his husky voice, in the background - we felt as if the much-needed rejuvenation of our group has happened as Shayan took us over with this witty answers and stories about his blonde girlfriends in the States. We were very happily unaware of what was going to hit us in almost an hour time.

Needless to say, people were pretty high after emptying a few bottles. Discussion slowly did a U-Turn from mirth to sentimental stuff. Some of the guys started blabbering their love & friendship for Shayan, and how we all missed him for the past 2 years. Shayan, on his part was also very emotionally elated. Topics of discussion shifted like compartments of a running train - it started with Shayan’s life in the States, to polka dots underwear, to the classic voices of Asha Bhonsle, to the Sourav Ganguly debate, to Salman Rushdie, to marriages, sex etc etc …

About an hour or so - when people started mellowing down. Shayan suddenly said -

“I have to tell you guys something …”.

Somebody answered - “Ya! Its your evening, you can tell us any stuff you want …”.

“Its serious, its about me …” - he said. We took notice.

“I am not able to sleep properly for the last few weeks - something terrible haunts me every time, I go to sleep.”

Raju said - “Abe, kya dealing phek raha hai, kuch hai to bata. warna …”.

He smiled sarcastically, cleared his vocal chord and said in a very low voice - “I was raped, as a child.”

The room suddenly went silent. I could hear everyone breathe - heavy breathes. The silence was so chilling - I had to break it. But, before I could say a letter - Shayan started crying … rather loud.

I looked around. Raju sat with his head down. Vicky closed his eyes as he clasped the whisky glass enough hard to break it. Lee was aimlessly looking at the ceiling. Ashu looked back at me with an expression - that I should react first. I did.

I held Shayan by his shoulder. The delay of our reaction - had already mellowed Shayan a bit. He wasn’t howling anymore.

Suddenly, Lee asked - “Who the fuck, was it ?”

“None of your damn business. It's his past & it hurts” - yelled back Ashu.

“What the fuck Ashu? Ya its his past - & thats why I need to know and you need to know.” - retorted Lee.

“What happened … tell us …” - said Raju softly, as if taking sides with Lee.

I dont think either Vicky or me had the right confidence to speak at that time. We kept mum.

Shayan after good long 2 minutes composed himself and spoke finally." I don't remember much of it. I was perhaps too young about 6/7 years old maybe … “. There was absolute silence in that pause. Everybody was looking at Shayan except Lee who reverted back to his original position of looking at the ceiling aimlessly.

“It was Bontuda.” Bontu was Pritom, Shayan’s very own elder brother.

“What the fu….”. Ashu stopped Raju with a gesture of his hands.

“I … I don't remember much of it now - neither do I want to think about it.

It was years back when he had one afternoon did something to me. I didnt realize it then until a few years back.”

“He will be gone for good, that bastard …. ” - shouted Lee suddenly stopping Shayan.

“Hhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm … ” - a guggle came out of Vicky - there was a strange & rare anger & pain in his eyes.

Shayan restarted - “It pained a lot then. No, he didnt ever repeat that. But somehow - the vague images dont leave me. I … I think it will haunt me to death, someday …"

“Hhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm … ” - another guggle came out of Vicky.

“And, now when he is getting married ….”, paused Shayan.

“… I just can’t tolerate his happiness and I have no fucking idea why am I telling you all these things. Maybe I cannot be a man enough ever …” - said Shayan as tears rolled down his cheeks.

Next 2 to 3 minutes was pure hell. Never thought Hell was so easy to find in silence.

Vicky broke it - “Have you told this to anyone?”

“Hmmm” - Shayan shook his head.

“To Reshmi.”

“Reshmi ???” questioned Raju.

“Hmmm” - Shayan shook his head.

Reshmi, I recalled was Shayan’s girlfriend during his years in Scottish Church. A very petite, mediocre girl. They broke up before Shayan landed in US of A. Guess - she didnot want Shayan to leave. We never knew the exact reason though.

“What did she say … ???” asked Raju.

“What can she …” smiled Shayan.

“We were in love, and she was very supportive. She calmed me and said she would be always there for me … no matter what and all that crap you know.”

“Ok” replied Raju.

“I need to puke, I drank out of my limits today” said Lee looking at me.

I shook my head and pointed towards the bathroom. Lee literally ran out of the room.

I was feeling hapless, very helpless … didn't know how to change topic or to help Shayan or to get out of that room. I wasn't speaking. No one was speaking. I guess, everyone was feeling the same …

Until ofcourse, Raju suddenly said - “Guys, I need to confess something …”

(… to be continued)