I am here sitting with j and i and her sitting here asking question to each other..she knows its my final day when i can sit full day with her..she wantd to cry but still she is smiling..i take her hands and then call on phone ..hey m can you pls arrange a visit for me …lady is getting crazy..wants to get back to some memories ….then m just sent me a jeep .to go back to her office..there we both went to the large left off room where there was a no silence ..inside i just went off and before i could switch on the lights..m strted the music tape…saying just for u ..Ar..thanks girl..j then took me to the room with my crunches and there under open lights i could see the memories of my full life…there were models of planes that had changed the world…
remember this model ..i had made it when jes was getting merried i was still working on it and i had to leave u aroud at the place i just had got an idea to develop the last peice of its design…..we were so angry on each other …i was there then for 30 days just working on the design….and u were still mad at me ..but when i sent in a copy of the last photograph ..and s just blew off the roof top above the head …i just left her hands and then slided to her laps sayin well it had been some great times.
how i got a change at the factory .i started to know more and more abut it strted remember i was working there in serwizsol..and then suddenly that factory gave me a chance i started working there whole day working but still there was something left ..so i left the job i knew i wont be allowed to do much in this country..with my background..i took a job at the software company and there too i started working day and night to make money ..there they found me out what was i was interested in ..and gave me a department where i could do the analysis on the wing span..and the aerodynamisity ..still it was not working i got upset again…and i had again to leave the job ..
but by then i had got enough money to apply for a graduation at w university where i could go there and then r hired me around and then here i have been making new design..still i was not doing the testing..as great as the old company but what i remember…is this that i was a real part of the real work…and i could really touch it…it was really true…and today i am really happy and today i can stay with u whole night to remember all the days that we had spent together…it is a life that i wish for u all.the dream is not abut the win…but it is abut doing what u wanted to do.not something tht u wantd to be..but just being what u dreamt to be ….Apurva
hi today the doctors declared i will be there for another 3 days…..its strting to feel lonly…its just due to her with her presence that i am so happy with the dying body…my health is degrading each day..with my eyes open i still fell happy to see so many man near me and i like to laugh and flatter with all my friends it is so beautiful for me..each one is saying that i am so happy and lucky to see so many people around me the world around me being created …and made i have made the india i wanted to..i knew from starting ..that i could not change the world but the same was not good for me and i changed the world in my own way today there are so many man around me who are following my ways and are the sons, as i call them, of my mother….i am happy and proud of all the people i have been with…stilll when i am alone with her ..i have to bury my head in her laps and have to cry ..where did everything went wrong..where is it that i lost my own battle….
and i can not sleep alone because i am so afraid …of my self….why did i not..the child inside me comes to me and calls me …I can’t even look at the plane that i own..because it is killing me more and more…pls be with me god ..till the end because i am afraid to come to u like this ….what will i say to you..when u will ask me what are u guilty of ..whom are u guilty of killing…all my life i knew the biggest crime i am doing is of killing a childs dream….
Today John came and took my BP, and said well apurva only 1 day is left ..i just smiled at him ..and said you are so good jim.
thanks for all this years..
see you tomorrow..he left out of the door ..smiling .saying u idiot …..
i just looked at him untill he went out ….
then i moved to the garden..there children were sitting there with the dogs..i just said ill be back..and then took m with me ..and we together went to the library ..where we just set back and talked abut the past .i did put my head in her lap..said
dada called yesterday ..to know how am i ..i just said that ok i am cool except that i can feel the cold on my laps…..too…
she tried to laugh.but she may could not..what were u thinking …just abut old days, abut krupali, abut the first job and how had i got my head into running.. …..but u know i would had been working for her whole of my life..she was so good..i don’t know ..wasn’t that great..
but just think abut it now i am sitting here as a writer ..who has written so many poems so many books ..now every one is sending me letters.but then i started to cry but what is it that i have got with me that i am gonna take with me .i am here but still the life is not complete untill i do what i wanted to do..
i went to mountains …did so much of social work and i did saw so many adventures have helped so many people..u remember when i was sitting in that plane i still touch the same plane in our yard to cry..why didn’t I……Apurva
Hi,
Today i have been informed by doctor’s that i will die by saturday,that is 6 more days.
It was very much importent for me to write this letter,to remember to think about my self to inform some of the close by friends ..what they mean to me.Most of all it was importent for me to really know what my life has been for me.today in the age of 90 years.i am here sitting next to my models of planes, the world that i made.I today feel satisfied with my life…for i have full filled my lifes dreams …here i am ..i remember the days of my youth .when i was so desperate..to have a new job..to make a difference with my family..with my own self ..to become different then every person i lived with……
I had too much of energy when i was young.i couldn’t find a way to use it up..i was so much desprate.i kept on wasting it on so much negetive ..so that i could only sleep at night …and forget i am. i feel like laughing..on those days..and just regret them so much…today i don’t have that much of energy..i think i started living only when i turned 22 .when i left my home.and then it was..i was out ..i had what i wanted .. freedom to think ..but then i turned afraid too.because i had so much of money to pay too..which i could not earn.i was hoping for life to get simpler..but it kept on turning more and more complex ..with my heart..wanting to love a girl and my self wanting a comfort..i think i was happy with my life as a customer service man..helping others ..but was it helping me ..no i was not having any money..to pay for the money i owned to bank.
it was so difficult..so impossible for me to understand it..but even there i was afraid of people turning against me.That i was more ..lesser and lesser anxious for the life to contineu..today i think what if serwizsol had paid me more than the one it payed me..would it have made me stay there…but how could it ..the salary that i had was to keep me surviving….and to live..i never cared for that money except for when i had all the money….i had to leave it there was no option…for me to contineu on the floor,
then i also had tried to go to train people but that also lost its aura…u know the people i trained used to learn work and then used to leave for the floor,several used to come and then used to leave the company…i was upset …..and she said it was ok ..but somewhere it hurt..to see them leave….i wanted to move on do some thing else…make more money to have better things……i even thought about turning to the new …quality department so lonenly in the world …where…u just worked and worked for so much time…so that i could improve the floor support getting the company to excel…i did best..even moved ahead…as it was the one thing where i could change every thing….i held power to change things …i wanted to excel there and wanted to be there..some times i even felt like i should be working as a team leader..where i could change control every thing ..in the premises but here i found that my work was extensive i really liked to do it..then when turned to a manager..i was really happy working there for them ..i was so much in changing lives ..in effecting things.. i was controlling things ..getting people to do the work…and getting the output…it was great ….then i came down ..to this place .today as the head of the process..think one thing i loved this work so much ..and i was there only living the floor when i could have just had have studied and got to such a joyous position…evn by learning ….by being in a college taking a masters ..and then taking such a job..where i had a full clearance of the company vision …and the work i wanted to do ..i could have had been great if i had been good to my self ..and had taken a job at an international call centre..some tough life without a pure result for my country ..but think of the money i could had have earned there ….and then did the studies and then i would have had been a great part for the company ..today i sit here as the company head and think of the world that i built my whole life. given to that company…today when i have left the company ..i think what had i built is now excelling..so beautifull…but today when ever someone comes up to me..and says u built such a great world ..how did u did it .it feels so proud to tell him that i did such a great work .for my company …and have built an organization where each and every person is making me proud of my self…is now dedicated to the the world that i made..today even the man who have left the company..i hear abut them ..they are working there ..for another company..and are getting the best of the company…it feels like a dream come true….i feel like i have made a world…
..the same i wanted to make ..i wanted to have ..the achievement ..that it could be..
could i have done it if i was just a teacher ..a trainer…may be not ..i would have had been happy by making people happy ..but then i wouldn’t had been that much of the effective..in making the whole of the company ..how could my hands have taken things just read and given..i would had have produced man but its effect ..i was not born to just be a teacher….
in fact i think abut the running spree on which i was ..i feel like i was obsessed with it …wanted to prove my self.. i was not just a athlete…but was a creater ..i still have ran in so much of races even won them to check with my endurance but an athlete ..i still feel like smiling when i think abut it
I had tried hard as a athlete..and had also won the race but then too was that the end of me.i had tried but as it turned out that i was not that of fit to win it..just as i was not fit when i was in college to fight with the bullies in the hostel,in the class. I was so much scared but today i think abut it when i am abut to die, i feel so ackward for the same……my life could had have been different, wonder if i had been an engineer.this question does hits me..why did i did engg. what happened to my dream to make a plane..i still regret why iwas not able to win my self over those bullies ..and get a good grade for me .so that i would had been an engg…i wanted to make planes in my life what happened to that dream..what happened to that apurva .my brother used to say if u have a dream then u must once try to be a man what i would be if i did had made a try for the same.today even though i have such a good memory but still i feels tears in my eyes thinking for my brother..who died his life his way saying to me that i must give a try to be a person i wanted to be. a man who made planes who changed the world with his planes ..i never had the opertunity that is right but did i gave it my every thing to get to that dream..i didn’t even though i am dying a great man in front of so many eyes..i regret why had i not done .what my heart wanted to do..when i could go against my family against the decision..of everything why didn’t i go against the decision of every one and of the earth itself ..to do what my heart wanted the most…to make planes .i want all of those reading .my children friends ..and all those who are reading it .that with all the things i have done in my life i still die in pain why did i not try to be the man i wanted to be since my childhood..the hero i wanted to be..the man who made planes…was responcible to have the planes made in the world……..Apurva
