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Dreams

July 29th, 2007 No comments

Hi,



6 am in the morning,  sun
is still meters away from the rise.Though the light grew enough for me
to walk out of bed and move out for the morning run. “It  has been
3 weeks since last practice.”.. Was little afraid  how far can i
go after suffering from lazyrenzia for some twenty odd days..Still the
legs made   for about 10 mins. i was little tired. Decided to
walk..for some time. some one inside shouted..Oh! horse head twenty
minutes are left..Its a   compulsory rest, can help it..Its
so difficult to keep on.Just  there  across the lane past the
distance for a  truck. there was a  chitting sound , and a
spark kind of the  thing. from a wire.Got to call someonel. Then
“its regular.! dont worry.”..



It was a spark on one of the towers for elecricity supply.And it was
contineuous, energy surge. I realized its  regular..keeps on
happening all the time. But it was diffirent. It was contineuous.It
sparked  a thought in my mind,   i was lost.Opened my
eyes..and found a mode standing in front of me. I said. ” you again
mode(i call them all the same,   they look  same too.)
Tell me whats it thats on your mind. Same as you have. “I  
should have guessed!”

 So, is it true.?

I guess, so.,

There are so many lives, how can it happen?

mode” but it is so?



It was easy to accept but if mode was saying so, that means..it  is, he knows too much.

how many lives can come there  next to the blink.

first it is a star, and second , it depends , sun has 9 +1 planets, and
so many small and large   thiings moving through.What more do
you want. to know.

It will take some time,..mode, to understand it in this way.



This theory means..that stars nothing but an open circuit at one of the
joints of the electrricity cable..Hard to digest, but looked true.

This whole world in front is nothing but poles..universe is space and
there are cables there to supply electricity to whole of the universe
for some creatures who are    million times larger then
us. Like here,  there also is  damageof the wires..and all
those wires damaged at ta pole lets the energy  out…and creating
a surge..a small spark line..that remains on every moment.. and it
produce heat for  a life to matter.since it produes so much heat.
this brings a life to come to it, small particles  gether around
it to  servive,its own planet Thia way, a so;ar system is formed.
and with the energy from the spark one more of me in million forms will
come to life..

Mode does that means that    part over therei is a sun
and there are the planets., similar to the sun. and planets with us. as
that are there in the sun. ..Apurva

it is not 4.00pm,,see you guys…



Just ..

July 29th, 2007 1 comment

Hi,

So last week is over..it was great ..started   working .that 
means my days have started getting better. and  better..it means
that i am now  working more..its really difficult for me to
understand why is it that even though getting tired ..it feels great
..to do some work..



what exactly is it  that i can   term as life..,
social  lot many call it…but its really difficult..to
understand.

I could never undestand the meaning of the same..but yes.. the words are really importent.

I ll be frank i want to write but i dont know why but i am feeling dead
tired ..may be because i skipped dinner yesterday and  lunch
today. Its really difficult to know what is exactly that resides in the
next moment…but life in itself has to be work every day. A new moment
to begin with. ..apurva



Stand by me !!

July 21st, 2007 1 comment

Hi,

Where am i? i am in a remote place with every one new, with a new language, with a new type of work, with a new risk, with a new group of people its a dream of some one out there. Is can be, i some where wanted the same, full adventure isnt it. Not completely. I am in a situation i neven before had been in. I am away from every person i have have known. That includes even the one i once hated. But it is a new place.

 Life is   what you   want it to be. It always has been. there is no tv, expencive internet, some work, and nothing man made to do.I mean nothing that is compulsory for me to, except for my work(which extends to 12 hrs ,  just because i am having very less of the work ,which means it is to increase as i pick up) This is a life, a type of life.

I will be as i choose it to be.

Its my own choice. It isnt that i   dont like this place, its like a heaven to me. Neighter is it that i always wanted to have this kind of life. i love my days in puna.Golden eagles collected.

Its a life you see. Tell me have you ever thought that you are a gelardo, not  afraid of anything? i had i came here. It raises shivers when i try to go on a boom at 11th  floor height, wiht strong air flowing and a sea down below. deep sea, and you  are looking down there is only a platform 2 meter thick below you, you dont want to beleive that it is a super structure built and can carry weight of 40 tonnes dont want to beleive that there is a railing around you which is as high as my neck, you    are just afraid.i have been just afraid. This is called a limitation.

Heart! my brother is one who will lie till you have jumped from the cliff, untill it realizes that its finally time for it to stop beating.

I came around this term say about in november last year. When i tried to finish a marathon. i could not, i was exhausted. I was furious. I just couldn’t loose. i am not made to loose. Dont mistake that i had been a born winner. In fact in certain respects, i have been wht several think as a looser. Point is, i always had a   reason to justify my loss. And there i was standing with 40 more people, being told i can not go further time limit crossed. I was angry, i   was furious. i said, organizers mistake. Didnt tell me, otherwise i would have crossed the line.Some around me were  smiling. but i was sure it was only and only  their fault not mine. No brother no.

Its only when you  try to wake up from sleep in night, u realize “i dont have eyes.”

Blindness is what suffering is about. It has always been easy for me to lie my whole life. i was not given this, i was   defeated because of this, i failed because  of this , it is his fault, it is his, or the highest form that i realized when i grew up that makes u a saint. it was me. i didnt tried. i wasted time. i wasted time, i am the one who messed up. this only makes honest man.Not  a solution.Ah!i  have played this game so many times, i failed because i was lazy, because i was sleeping, because  i only wanted to play AOE. Because i love internet too much or the king of all, i will  try better next time.

 

Untill  you have done it “you say  its still there to win”. My question -just check, was it really  ever there??

Am i sounding pessimist!! If yes, then you are me.Reasons!! God Damn the reasons. Yes i mean the mind which is thinking    that this is pessimism.It is called realization of a truth called limitations.

Day will come when even you will realize this truth.Limitations, now after trying hard for 8   weeks and then   getting silent for 3 weeks without a growl with out a complaint that i am weak, i am not strong i realize this. after returning half way from that boom i realize what this word means. It has been hard for me to find.

We lie to ourselves, keep on doing this, several times untill we are dead.

Its true, i had been lying to myself, that i am a failure. i am not so is is after this    one month that i realize i was a big lier. Saying to myself that i am a looser. and those man  around me are winners that i am done. i was wrong.I realize this   a bit today, I never lost in my life i have always been a winner. i always got the best. the best though was not the best according to my parents, teachers, collegues, Govt, colleges, but it was best of my performance. Best which could ever come out of me at that  point of time.

I am not  a looser. I have been a winner all my life.Its just that i didn’t knew what my limitation was, and since i never knew, i never could go beyond it. Its game of hitting my limitations, then working on them, and then again hitting it to find my next limitation, and then again go ahead ..and so on..

i have again started   running? i also have started strength trainging. As per as about crossing the boom.I will be going there monday, to find my next limit point.

 Simple, isn’t it!

 

 “…not being known doesn’t stop truth from being true” There’s No Such Place As Far Away

..Apurva

 

 

Blossom a Blog

July 21st, 2007 No comments

Hi,

when your regular days are different then what u have done all your life till now, u realize there is some change going on.i really dont know how much how much i want to write. About what i want to write. Right now i am so much tired, so much of tired that even my thoughts are not congruent with my fingers, blogging is like saying my life to some pages. and i love writing like this.

once a question came to me, whatever am i writing isnt it supposed to be my personal life? something that must be my alone. then i realize i am already 23, population of the world  more than  6 billion, who am i to care what am i  writing, i mean how long am i   gonna live anyways that i am caring so much, my life is short, isnt it great that i am getting a chance to write on the web. May be some one somewhere i the  world might read ,something one day ,and i may give him a smile or a tear. I mean i with my 6 by 6 eyesight, and a friend group of say 500 men/ women which include my family too, its great for him that he is   getting to write something in his life.which atleast 20 are going to take a read at.

i am not a famous man and i cant be   certain will i ever be. but when i   write on net it feels as if i am writing a diary for a friend far away,whome i may never meet in my life. for a friend who is far away same as me has been living a life in a world of her/his own.

I diary is a matter of expression to ourselves, if i write it on web then some one else can read it, thats tht basice difference, nothing   complecated. Easy and i love it.

…..apurva

Hill of heart

July 14th, 2007 No comments

“Its very far, cant we just stay here, look at the sun and then go back, can’t we, please father.” he pulled the big brown finger of rodricks. The huge man just stumbled, that figure of 7 feet, stumbled as if a tree was pushed down. ” Yeh! what were you saying, kid!” he sighed, as if was really in sleep, “return back, eh! well i dont think, we should, we are really close”. “But we have walked so far, and sun is looking so beautiful from here, i want to see if from here, see its so beautiful”.
 
As rodricks looked up in west, there was  an orange flower about 3 stories up with  violet wings, and red seeds all around it, and a yellow chest, as big as a cloud, Suddenly the kid shook the hands of rodrick, and ran towards, the sun as if wanted to catch it. ” Watch out”, they were on a hill so high that there car was looking like a pebble in the sand, he ran to catch the boy, but by then the boy had stopped just a step away from the cliff. Was looking at the sun, smiling as he never had, “its great papa, why doesnt it look  like this every day, why doesn it not?” “It always has been so beautiful, from every place it looks the same.”,
“You mean its common”,
No! its always so beautiful,
I see it, like this every day.
its just, it has felt you only today, so it is looking so beautiful to you,
I couldn’t  get u!!
Well, its like this, everyday you used to look at the sun, it was large ball of light, and yellow, but today you are looking at the sun, and the sun is lookin at you” Rodricks smiled, ” and he finds you cute and awsome, thats why it is looking great to you,
“You mean its not looking so beautiful to you? Rodricks laughed”Ha, ha, ha, ha”
it is beautiful alright!, it always has been, but how it looks to you is different then what i see in it, its different for me, you know, what do i see? well, i am looking at a red ball with   tens of violet balls all around it with red waves flying past it.
” i can’t see that” raden replied.

“Simple boy, because its my sun and that is yours.If you come here every day then one day, even you can see the sun as i do, its not  hard you know, it just… takes time.”
Now come on before the sun decides it has had enough of the day, and decides to go home, lets finish what we are here for.
What for? pops! I still dont know, why we are here for, tell me please,
well we are near by, i guess i can tell you now.
you see there raden? guess, what is there. just to the left of their way, deep in grass there was a small spot of red flower, but was different, it was looking like a lost piece of  land in middle of the ocean, so small that even a squirrel could not locate it, but today was smilling bright, as if was waving, hey i am here. 
Both of them went close by, next to the red bed of the small flowers was a small flower green in colour. just as the sun was to the boy same was the bed, boy looked back at the sun,  sun was looking the same as was on the cliff, raden was looking at the sun with his   eyes wide open, sun was made of green colour, he turned bach the green coloured grass was looking golden and the bed of red was looking rich in orange, and the green flower was glowing still green but was now smiling green. With the same widened eyes boy looked back at his smiling father, questions in his mind, but a strength that his father was there. This is why i brought you here, this is what is your present of the day.
“Papa, what is happening!”. Raden what you are looking at on this grass, is what i call,
the green heart. It has been here, since i was a small kid , and today too, it still looks the same to me. Why do you call it a heart? its a flower u know!, its how i see it, if you will look at it as a flower it is, but i look at it as a heart and my boy trust me thats what it it. Its my little secret, its a heart, heart of a green man.
Let’s go, its going to get late, we have to reach back, or dinner will disappear just as the sun does. wants to race.Yeah! i ll beat ya., Lets see, and they started running down the hill, even though the boy was runnig, but still amazed, he looked back, the flower was still green but the sun was turning red not green, he was going home for dinner.

 

Start the race…end it..!

July 14th, 2007 No comments

Hi,
Every day is a new dawn, every day is a new life it is what i am all about. Till yesterday i might have written …it is what we are all about. But it is not so, i possess no right to say anything about my fellow men/women. It is about me, and it has to be only about.
Its time to work for me, realization that its easy to say then to do. I had read it since childhood, once u start running then you get moving  by itself..But i find it is so wrong. Its wrong, because you have to move all the time, u have to compete with self, and others all the time..You have to show patience.

It is not about the cream elite, who have  a go, but is about simple people, behind whome there is no force right now, past doesn’t  count, it is about a person, who when woke up a  morning had a dream in his mind, in his heart, and decided to get it. not about what he was what he got, where he was, but just about a dream.

Once you have a dream  then nothing matters but to make it true. That is why it is so importent. it has to be made true..nothing else matters ..and nothing else will…that is what the truth is all about ..and that is what it is about ..you just can not sleep…..you have to walk…you have to move. its hard, but thats the way it is.there is no other way…if there is any ..i really would appreciate…apurva

day day…never go away…

July 9th, 2007 No comments

Hi,
Mood! i just can’t define..its just want to write…

with the first yellow on my face,
he comes peaking,
eight minutes late.

i wake up with a sigh,
with a face wet and dry,
i look in the mirror,
just behind the silver,
i find a red book,

not ready to be open,
torn aside,
here i stand with a day,
wide open to me mine..

its different..but …Apurva


Stand by me….

July 9th, 2007 No comments

Hi,
its just words…

near the dawn,
under the sun,
there lies a day,
standing next to me.
Will u join in my friend.

across the river,
near the sunset,
far from the last moment,
awaits a day,
will u be along my friend.

Far in the ocean,
deep in the reef,
standing near a cafe,
asks me a wind,
will you stand by my friend,

searching the lines,
awaiting a tide,
pointing at the stars,
cheering the waves,
there stands a mirror,
will you be my hand dear friend,

awaits the sun,
awaits the moon,
flying on the skies,
riding half drowned moon,

i  wait with a drowning breath,
waiting for a smile,
standing near by a thumbling heart,
will smile and ask me
will you be my friend, my dear..

just words…..Apurva


..Its me forever

July 7th, 2007 No comments

tomorrow once again the sun will come up,
once again it will peak through my window,
will again will filter the rays on my face,
and i ll again look at its face with a smile,
just to realize that its hard to look at him in the eyes,
and will hide my face in the sheet,
and smiling he will go on rising over my head,

and i ll start dreaming,
suddenly the hawks will realize that the sun is out,
will scream over the skies saying wake up,
telling me sun is up,
telling my my alarm is about to ring,
telling me its time to get on,
i thanking them will rise and shine,
to  silence the ring, still in dark,
and return back to my  bed,
trying to sleep, but what i get is a dream,
dream with a girl i have not known till now,
dream with a girl i had loved yesterday,
and a sky which i cant recognize,
and i wake up of my bed, off my sleep,
thinking about the lost land in the dream,
the lovely face in my dream,
still the clock with a 6 on its face,
staring and smiling, teasing” you are dead”;
and i am up for a day , warming me good morning,

with a pair of shoes in my leg and a clock in left,
i am ready with bottle in the right,
i am up for my day,
out in the smiling sun,
for a road i go on every day,
to meet flowers i havnt met ever,
to live a heart that is ready for a run,
and i go out in the sun,
with a rhythm, with a tummy 
fat as jupitor, i go on faster then the sleeping rabit,
faster then the walking 21,

to sweat one more day,
to remind there is something i want,
i go on, on and on,
till the road is up till the sun is hot,
to know i am bored,
to know i dont know what am i doing here,
to know that i want to walk,
let to know i am standing back at the stairs of the day,
climbing tired, this day has begun,
i realize has it started or has it ended,
indeed it has ended, with a sun of 8am
my day is already over,

i return back to my day,
with a tie on shirt,
and a card in my pocket,
and a smile on my face,
i return to my office with my friend,
showing that the day is on,
acting the sky, living the moon,
trying the sun, i walk, i speak like a sun
and keep on going down,

and so on  the day goes up,
untill the day is up,
for every one, for every one,
my act is over and my day is on,
till i return back, to leave the mask in my bag,
i open it at my room,
just to find a new paper of life knocking on my door,
with the mask i go on with the life of the day,
and i meet a man who has just been up with the day,
living the day of the man,
i return back with the mask,
to find a friend, a partner in the room,
with the mask, the world goes on,
and the mask keeps on and i am asleep with my head on,
with a new face,

 i am dead in thoughts looking at the moon and the stars,
smiling moon just knows that i  am here,
that i am need a nap,
says good night and takes the left with him,
the mask..it remains,
but now i can sleep,
i am asleep for a day or two,

to once again know there  is a new line of sun on my face,
trying to take off the mask,
but i am tired, tired to let it try,
i am here, i am alive,
and again i am up,
with the birds,
running, running but with a mask embeded on my face,
and here i am after the run, to realize that a fortnight has begun, with a new mask
a mask on my face ,i ride on,
i ride for days and days,
yesterday my face got heavy,
light couldn’t find my face,
light couldn’t get my head,
birds couldn’t find my ears,
and the clock couldn’t get my attension,
they went back to my work,
untill my face woke me up to let me know,
a day has begun,
and i with a new mask went on to live a day,
a day which never started,
a day that never begun,
i dont know if the sun it there or not,
i have too many masks on  the face, but i have guide,
to tell me of the road to travel,
tired i walk , tired i talk with a smile,
i am up for the night,
moon is looking at my eyes,
saying let me help,
i say please  help me,
and he took a mask off my face,
said come back i ll remove second tomorrow,
with a second moon the face got lighter,
lighter the face, i am holding back with my head,
am i alive, its difficult to know,
but i am here,
and i am walking,today again,
today sun again came back on my face,
and asked -want a ride son,
i said let me sleep,
we said u are dead,
i said – i aint,
he said lets fly ,
i said – want to walk
he smiled “lets bet ur wings,”
i said- lets bet with some sun shine,
pops said – deal!!!
lets go..
..
….Amen

“its a day that will come and go…what is a real life – dont know but i know day aint never over ..if u dont want it to..i come down again and again and with a new sun shine go back,  aint that every one lives this same kind of life, some do have the grace of waking up with a new face each day, some are there with a heart, that washes the mask in the sleep, i am not one among them, i too have to wash my mask away, and i fail every fortnight of so, to live with hundreds for next september….but if it is , then lets say, i still have a face, that i know sun knows..can again and again wash my face .that i do .that yes i can”…Apurva

LIfe ..just like that ..

July 7th, 2007 No comments

Is this what i had planned to write,
i dont think so, i came here to write  about something else,
i came here to write about  lost case, about a lost method, had planned to write a good  article  on how to get motivated, to start back .Hey this is the way life must me and a lot of things.What will you read….full stop.

I am not going to write about that what am i going to write…i dont know..
this blog will be just the way my mind will ask my hands to type. every day you wake up think up of doing one good thing in your day, then you do it, then you come to realize that one thing was not good enough, i need to do more, then you do that good thing too. then one more and  so on the day is off…..pleasure off course… you are happy ..yup…that was a great day…cool..got next day ..
lets start with the next day..you wake up and do the same thing…..
then the next day….and so on…
ok the life goes on..and one fine day comes…and bang you are down..now what..what will u do..my head is banging ..my life is stinking ..thats what u are thinking…what is going to happen now…
regular that happens …should it be an end that what my question …is …should a day must just go on…
should it ..what are u doing man…forget philosophy..forget the age old teachers..
should a person just let a day just go off..think about it….
cont..apurva
get dizzy ..stop doing the best thing that u like…u start doing what u would just get lazy..get out of head ..and u are done…u are just living ..just earning..everyday..coming back from office..college..school, saying to the family, friends, ”  din theek tha” . yes mom, same as ever..
that is where i have a problem….this is where i have an issue about the thing. what happened to that great day..eh!!..what happened to that smiling life…think about it..

generally i  am so much angry, generally i am so much of crowded..

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