It is about 9pm. I am here in the web since last 2 hrs. that is after half an hour of when i was dropped by my office bus.
What i had been doing here! I have been reading porn, i have been watching porn. I am here, tired from office, tired from the office structure, have a very imp. meeting for which i have to read a booklet which will take about 3 hrs of my personnal hours. And what am i doing? i am going through pornography. I don’t like drinking, i really hate smoking. But it is costing me. It is costing me porn.
For me it is not wierd, coz it is what has been my life since last 6 or more months. I have in a way given up food. I have in a way given up eating, i live on fast food and tea. I don’t think if i had a chapati, vegi or rice at night, since last 1 or two months. i only eat fastfood.
I am tired so tired, that even if i shut down the computer, and go to sleep it will take me only 2 mins to loosen up. But no, i will go back. shout a little in my little room. then will go to bathroom will loosen up my muscles and sperm whole night. Then will have some junk food and then at the end of 2400 hrs…will start reading. To try to sleep. Else will calll some unknown girl, whome i havn’t seen since last 2 years or so. Someone whome neighter do i like neighter does she likes me. And will keep on speaking with her untill i feel what the hell, which can even be an hour or so. Or else, i will just sit at a corner of my room, and will swear upon my faraway family or my asshole boss.
Untill i feel like why don’t i leave the god damn job and go back to a call centre for working. Then! i will just close my eyes and will think about crying. Since my mind refuses to hold emotions long so, i will not be crying, i will just be sitting there grouling. and then!! i will think about life, i will thing about my days about my sufferings and my frnds from pune. and will laugh a little. May be will make another std call to someone else, whome i have not met since last 1year and will again talk untill i feel sleepy.
My room is stinking with clothes which are there in bucket since last 3 days, is stinking of socks which need a wash immediately or small insects are there moving around me who are there as guest of filthy room not cleaned since last 1 month.
But i am there sitting. Occasionally laughing when i speak on call with a collegue, swearing his face off, once the call is done.
But i am still there sitting in that room. That is what makes me sit up next day in the morning do my dailies as quick as possible, to catch up the bus to my office, where i again start as a jolly guy.
Though now even this is decreasing minute by minute. Now i am a jolly guy who speaks sweet when address good morning and the only sweet word he knows is good morning.
I love wind, and she is saying to me again n again.
Talk with me kid, talk with me. I am silent, yesterday! yesterday, i could not sleep till 4 in morning, i was afraid of something. I was awake till 4 am.
I have become a ghost within last few months. I hate being lonely and i am lonely in my heart and in my mind. I feel sick! I feel sick but i don’t hve any leaves because by my bloody ass hole company HR.
But still when some one asks me why don’t i leave and go away when i can have a better salary and a better life else when i am there sitting in the bus and entering the plant. I look at those giant machines, i look at that huge sea. I look at those ships and scores of man and machines moving in every corner, and i see the flag of my nation at the enterence of the company. I Love it. I love it, i really can’t help smiling, I am an indian. who is contributing in a system which drives this nation’s progress. i just want to forget, i just try to forget who i am. and try to concentrate on my work, mockering on my ass hole senior.
Coz, i, i the one who doesn’t have a single clue, what am i doing, know one thing. very clear. I am falling down. And that it self given me strength.
Coz, today i know which so many indians don’t even know! That i am falling down, And one thing that i know, which may be others don’t even know, THERE IS A WAY OUT.