aday’s blog

Pain flows through my eyes,

and so do some tears,

Today, after a long

I let the feelings fly across

power of the loneliness has taken me over,

and so has done the darkness of the lies,

Hurt by my not trying,

Hurt by my not having the dries.

I need to love,

not her, but i know- ME tonight,

I am not true, if not in tears,

I am not fake, either in smiles,

Let the rhythem flow over my face,

and let my heart feel the ties.

I hold your heart,

bleeding with mine,

Today i decide,

Else let the skies have their cries.

…Amen….Apurva

I am sitting here,

waiting for my sun to rise,

I called for a disaster tonight.

I am sitting here

waiting for my rain to rise,

i have called for a drought tonight.

I love the skies,

And i love the rain,

But just can’t take the land taking the pain,

Pain of not being loved by the man of the kind,

Pain of refuse,

Pain of not loving the land for its kind,

I plan to not to hate,

I plan not to dry,

But when the man looses his dignity and fails to rise,

One man has to decide,

Who shall have the drops,

and who will demise,

It is full of tears

so am I,

But we have to learn to love,

else the blessings move,

untill a new generation makes the choise.

…………..WRITTEN IN THE LOVE OF THE LAND AND THE  SKIES   …….Apurva

I like a girl too much. But the thing is simple, i don’t know if she is serious about me. Also that she belongs to my office too.

” love is not a noun, it is a verb, it is done, performed.” There really does’t exist anything as love.

It is loving, and if you are not loving someone, then the only thing possible is you are attrected. In my case too much attracted.

Difficult….But fun….horrifing..

……………………..Apurva

Do you know,

i woke up early today?

i woke up at 6.30 am today?

i did some exercise today?

i had my lunch at a frnds place?

…What do you know, yes i did so.!!

…Apurva

I am a little tired today, may be by todays exercise.

I started my day by showing gratitude. It felt different. I speak too much. I even write too much. I guess thats the way i am.

But anyways yesterday was good & i thank god for letting me have yesterday.

—————————————————————————————————

……….Apurva

Hi,

This is my second post of the day. Did my day went well?? Certainly not. No i am not out of my depression. But! i am enjoying it today : )

I love rain. I must have written this, i think last Monsoon too. But, what do you know? I still love the rain. Sometimes i feel why to take so much of pain as i am taking right now. But i never have seen me laughing like this earlier.

Life is different then i thought. It certainly is( That is why i always keep on writing let kids out).

I would love to live it over laughing!!!! .

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I would like to conduct a pole today!!!
Anyone who has the heart to laugh! Pls laugh for 30 sec. Whereever you are.

If you have done it, pls post back with this article. I would love to know, some of the most daring people of rediffiland.

Note: if you are standing on a wall 10 stories high. Pls get down from there and then perform this exercise. I will not be taking any responsibility for any crazy actions resulting from my pole.

But i will love it if you will give it a try. FOR ALL OF THOSE WHO WILL PARTICIPATE SUCCESSFULLY IN THIS POLE, I PROMISE TO THEM A NICE SHOWER OF RAIN TO WET THEM FROM HEART TO THE BOTTOM. HOPE YOU KNOW HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.

Hi,

Its today again, i keep on wondering for how long will today come back. But as always, it has come back again & well it will go back too. Though! I don’t know how it comes back again, when i wake up i.e. I love this game. 

—————————————————————————————————

Looking at the bright skies,

Looking at the sun, standing next to the wind,

I recall.. i used to stand besides you,

every morning and every night and every sunday afternoon!!!

Smelling the smell of your breadth,

loving the sweetness of your moments,

I looked again,

after a day of life,

at your beautiful face,

I am sorry,

Tomorrow i will wake up early again.

Hope, you will be around.

Standing, as beautiful as you are.

……………….Apurva

Well frnds,

I was going through a post at blogbharti, found the matter interesting. I had already gone through such a experience which i had mentioned in an older article “HINDIAN”.

This did looked like one which belongs to the  same section, which most of our fellow indians do..

I did post a reply for the same.

just for the memory….

The post:
While other South Indians did not have the same clout over Indian Administrative Services and other bureaucratic jobs, Tamils were ruling the roost. They had featured in constituent assembly and cabinet meetings to influence the thinking of the Indian Government, and they fought tooth-and-nail to oppose all moves by North Indians to impose Hindi as the national language. It was a hard won battle. And thanks to this bitter opposition, the roots of which lie in a selfish attempt to safeguard their interests, we have English as the official language for all states, making Hindi one of the many Indian languages, not a special one.

I think we should thank both the supporters and opponents of Hindi for killing all interest in Indian languages, other than their own, among Indians in all states.

Reply posted by me
Dear Frnd,
I agree that hindi is not our official language!
It feels good to several others. But it has pushed us back a several feets down the stairs.

What they have won is this.
1. A nation which doesn’t have a single identity. No wonder that we have to stick with cricket, coz that is the only thing now we have common. Hindi could have done this very easily. And could have had helped us better. More then watching cricket.

2. Generations which are unfit for actual global and national development. For most of my men/ladies can  only be taken up as employees at lower ranks: in india.( They have spent their time is learning a language, which is not their mother tongue and no one who is working in a foreign language whole day is actually working at his/her 60% efficiency).

3. Not fit for employment outside india for they speak a very unpopular language,  not at all used in maximum part of the world,(includes max of europe, asia, south america, and max parts of africa.) and that too in a very piculiar way which no one can understand.

4. People who even after completing their graduation have to go back to  a speaking school, to learn to speak a language that they have wasted learning since their childhood.

I will conclude, we will make a better nation only once INDIA starts using hindi(or if any other regional language, easily usable) as its official language.

Just think about it why don’t we have good athelets, good architects, good engineers, great doctors, good people, good international businessman, good scientiststs(For GOd’s sake don’t count to me the name of those 100 odd indians, 60 years/ 1 billion population,the resulting rate is pathetic)…People ending up their lives to learn a language that thier vocal muscles are not conditioned for, what else do  you expect from them. They will be practicing English to pass the test or do something else. Not possible.
First need for us to have a better tomorrow, is first change our preferences from a foreign language to a local language, like automated systems, people will have a higher concentration ability towards their inner/born capabilities.
We still have time, 12 years before we hit 2020. Enough for me, enough for you enough for us all.
…Apurva

It is about 9pm. I am here in the web since last 2 hrs. that is after half an hour of when i was dropped by my office bus.

What i had been doing here! I have been reading porn, i have been watching porn. I am here, tired from office, tired from the office structure, have a very imp. meeting for which i have to read a booklet which will take about 3 hrs of my personnal hours. And what am i doing? i am going through pornography. I don’t like drinking, i really hate smoking. But it is costing me. It is costing me porn.

For me it is not wierd, coz it is what has been my life since last 6 or more months. I have in a way given up food. I have in a way given up eating, i live on fast food and tea. I don’t think if i had a chapati, vegi or rice at night, since last 1 or two months. i only eat fastfood.

I am tired so tired, that even if i shut down the computer, and go to sleep it will take me only 2 mins to loosen up. But no, i will go back. shout a little in my little room. then will go to bathroom will loosen up my muscles and sperm whole night. Then will have some junk food and then at the end of 2400 hrs…will start reading. To try to sleep. Else will calll some unknown girl, whome  i havn’t seen since last 2 years or so. Someone whome neighter do i like neighter does she likes me. And will keep on speaking with her untill i feel what the hell, which can even be an hour or so. Or else, i will just sit at a corner of my room, and will swear upon my faraway family or my asshole boss.

Untill i feel like why don’t i leave the god damn job and go back to a call centre for working. Then! i will just close my eyes and will think about crying. Since my mind refuses to hold emotions long so, i will not be crying, i will just be sitting there grouling. and then!! i will think about life, i will thing about my days about my sufferings and my frnds from pune. and will laugh a little. May be will make another std call to someone else, whome i have not met since last 1year and will again talk untill i feel sleepy.

My room is stinking with clothes which are there in bucket since last 3 days, is stinking of socks which need a wash immediately or small insects are there moving around me who are there as guest of filthy room not cleaned since last 1 month.

But i am there sitting. Occasionally laughing when i speak on  call with  a collegue, swearing his face off, once the call is done.

But i am still there sitting in that room. That is what makes me sit up next day in the morning do my dailies as quick as possible, to catch up the bus to my office, where i again start as a jolly guy.

Though now even this is decreasing minute by minute. Now i am a jolly guy who speaks sweet when address good morning and the only sweet word he knows is good morning.

I love wind, and she is saying to me again n again.

Talk with me kid, talk with me. I am silent, yesterday! yesterday, i could not sleep till 4 in morning, i was afraid of something. I was awake till 4 am.

I have become a ghost within last few months. I hate being lonely and i am lonely in my heart and in my mind. I feel sick! I feel sick but i don’t hve any leaves because by my bloody ass hole company HR.

But still when some one asks me why don’t i leave and go away when i can have a better salary and a better life else when i am there sitting in the bus and entering the plant. I look at those giant machines, i look at that huge sea. I look at those ships and scores of man and machines moving in every corner, and i see the flag of my nation at the enterence of the  company. I Love it. I love it, i really can’t help smiling, I am an indian. who is contributing in a system which drives this nation’s progress. i just want to forget, i just try to forget who i am. and try to concentrate on my work, mockering on my ass hole senior.
Coz, i, i the one who doesn’t have  a single clue, what am i doing, know one thing. very clear. I am falling down. And that it self given me strength.

Coz, today i know which so many indians don’t even know! That i am falling down, And one thing that i know, which may be others don’t even know, THERE IS A WAY OUT.

JAI HIND…APURVA

I am writing it here, may be say, i want to, may be coz i need to.
The confusion is decreasing. Things getting clearer and clearer.

The sky is there, the question has no meaning anymore, the words don’t need a mean anymore, why am i sitting here. Well because i need to.

What will happen if & when i marry. The life will not be the same. I will have to come back home, to a women, who will be waiting for me. and we both will have wants we will eat together, talk about each other will have sex. But how long will it go on. Really is that what married life is all about. Is that what you and i are all about. That is the right now where my life is roaded  towards.

Well i am scared for the same. I am scared of my death. I am scared and i am afraid which way the things will go.

This is one thing, which leads me to think again n again. How much, really is the indian policy of keeping kids of the sexual atmosphere is correct. Why should he not learn about sex, understand about it and get on by the time he is out of college.

It does feels odd but try to understand. Why should a man/woman when is in the best of physical and mental caliber has to waste his/her time trying to figure out what the hack should i do to fulfill my sexual desire. It just feels like i will prepare the horse, make him fit, feed him fat, spend all my money on his health. So that when the race comes he will be win it for me. Oh! i forgot to mension…by then i am supposed to go bankrupt, due to expenditure on your nourishment. So along with racing you will also have to carry me on a cart, coz i will get sick, you will also have to carry about 50 tones of load on your back which we will be delivering once you finish the race. We need some money for food you know.

Don’t worry i trust you! you will win the race. Why do you have to carry the load! Just in case my boy,Just in case, if you loose, if, then we have to feed ourselves too. you know!! coustomers don’t wait.

And once the race is over….

…SCREAMING.!!!!!! SEE! I TOLD YOU!!.i told you!! you will loose, you dumb little shit. i knew i was wasteing my money in growing you up. you never wanted to, dont you?? you really never wanted to.
This is called experience, i knew that you will  loose. See, now the rice on your back will help us. We can have food untill i make you fit enough for second race.

DOn’t act like you are tired now! you son of a bitch. We need food, come on, start walking!!.

We have to go a long way, kid you have to learn a lot many things.

YOU KNOW WHAT INDIA!!!! GROW UP!! FOR GOD’S SAKE!!! GROW UP.

….Apurva