I try and then i stand back,
asking as if is it I? Who is to decide,
Feeling, as if i deserve the best,
Yesterday, my only bird flew away.
Wishing for another morn,
wishing for a smile on my face,
I slept yesterday at 3,
and today found,
my only bird flew away.
Sad as yesterday,
sad as last tomorrow,
i spent another eve,
spent another dusk,
a night and more,
feeling sad for I,
yesterday my bird flew away,
I was not holding her,
i was not trapping her,
she was my only,
and i was her’s,
But still again when i woke up
Dream had jumped away.
Just had my tea,
felt it round,
after the while of my time,
yesterday i was told.
Was here by choice of her need,
you too had the ask of the time,
Its not the words but you use,
Oh! my dear,
its not she,
Just “the time grew away”.
Its not a story i am trying to write, its just what i have been feeling. Its a wierd feeling that exists inside me. I could have had written this poem public, but i am keeping it personnal.( Its because of the NOTE!!!)
Well it is not a story actually, it an experience i am going through. I do have written several times, currently i am under stress and on certain scales under heavy depression. Heavy doesn’t mean i can’t lift it. This is the first thing that i have learned, Heavy doesn’t even mean” i can not lift it” its : just an ex-pression that just can’t do it right now.
Today i lost 2 pants, 1 T-shirt, 1 towel and 2 hankerchiefs( May be one shift too, i will find out after wearing it).Sacrifised to insanity. Word sounds too big ok? Then i would say, Lost to the dragon of heart ache.
Heart Ache! May be lot many others on this planet know it better then me. Coz! may be what ever it feels like, i still feel it lot lesser, coz for about 10 hrs i am in office, i don’t feel it. It comes back only at night then disappers as soon as i fing my lovely machines near by.
Depression! i have just finished with two books. The Secret and also 2 stories from Curious Lives(Richard Bach). So! I am in a very different moods. Elevated?( drinking is strictly prohibited). But i am not happy that i know. I can’t tell you how does happiness feels neighter do i have a scale( i have very rare moments with me when i have not felt the way i am feeling right now. Brynes writes” you are what you thought till last moment, your next moment is decided by what you are thinking right now”.
Ever seen denis and his room poster. I have created the same in my room. Its said, every bachlor does the same, not an issue.( who is going to pay for my lost soilders?) ( main issue is who is going to choose them for me.)
Coming out of depression is not that easy ” you are thinking of what you needed and you don’t have”. People say “face reality”. Bull shit!
You have lost something that means you have lost a piece of puzzle that is your life, a star on your christmas tree, the best sweet in your box and they say ” Forget it”. I ain’t not ready to accept it.
I know till this moment ” i ain’t never going to face THIS KIND OF REALITY”.
This world hasn’t been designed for sorrow, for sorrow holds the movement, but it has been designed for moving forward. This is what i beleive right now. And that is what i am ending this chapter with.
P.S. wanted to write more, but after the disaster of yerterday, i need to go home before 10 coz otherwise tomorrow i will be loosing two boiler suits too.
Have sweet sleeps..