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Born-live’d-existed

April 24th, 2013
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you know the time is hard,
and what we find right,
is no longer accepted
as truth.
this age of fake money,
the age of fake property,
this age of education
that teaches not much.
but if we hold on,
longer and ever,
with the simple rules
taught & preached at home,
born,
when bread was rare.
when the sun rises,
and the humanity returns
to it’s real ways,
love, life and breath.
we may still have,
eyes enough to see
the direction,
friends and dear ones,
and build a life,
that satisfies 
birth, life 
and eventually a blessed 
crossing.

log April 2

April 20th, 2013
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The time has always been hard with me, I think this is the nature of my partnership with time.

After my last spell of sickness, I am giving life a try again. Not possible at work, there I am only suppose to accept that I am worth nothing. Nothing abnormal my friends, as much as I know, most of the indian organizations work the same way. keep pushing the people down until they break enough to surrender. 
As I said, I am giving life a try again. have started running again. not as much as I used to do earlier but I have started again and that is what counts. Keep on trying to improve my life and eventually it pays off. I mean,  if you keep your spirits up, it does pays -if not at work then at home, I mean you work only 10 or 12 hours a day. your can still get atmost 12 hours for yourself.
The one thing I have finally started accepting is that life is a hard ball and it is going to remain so for your entire life and it can not be changed. If you are in college or in starting years of work and if you are expecting - work hard today and tomorrow will be a shiny bright day- and CAUTION– dead turn ahead. the struggle never stops. and as I get it, it continues till the end of life. 
So, prepare yourself, being soft has got nothing to do with kindness. you have to harden yourself.
I tell this to myself everyday, I may be less skilled than what I am accepted to be but I have a worth and it will remain so- always; and that I will  respect myself and  my life and will never give up on myself.
.

Logging time april

April 13th, 2013
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Hi,

Month of April, first half is nearly done. 
My stay here in Andhra has been less productive and more of destructive, in personal sense that is. This time of my life matches a lot with my college life, except that the age is different, that the place is different, that the people are different. the experience is a lot on the same lines. 
the whole of it tells me (it proves to me) that I don’t know nothing, that I am a useless fellow & that I am scrap. 
Well, I won’t say that it is all correct but that is what this experience needs from me, before I can learn anything here. 
My brain is trying hard to reject it all. why will it not? I have been told the same things earlier too and the best that came out of that, though, like now, that too was decorated with higher-profiled(learned) names, was a being that had nothing but disrespect for himself. 
So, may be this means, I ain’t a material for greatness, like the people I am working with. So, may be this means that I ain’t the correct kind of people. (you can guess- that I am not in my own good spirits)
Ken and Aline are trying, in fact, they are the only people, to cheer me up. Telling me that I am worth something. And do you know what, they ain’t putting any condition to it, they don’t know me, they don’t know my performance and they don’t even want to know it. 
But this experience hasn’t been all too bad. I have again learned that bartering your self for something better does no work. Because the one on sell is your freedom to decide- and that is just not working for me. 
So, what next for me? I don’t know. I am a mess around. The rooms got more dirtier then my office and my office is still the same as it was before I came in.
Hard times they never leave me.
one good thing about that is it keeps me on the same level as the common feel. 
but the main question is- should I continue being taught that I am worthless? what good will it bring to me.
I get a lot to learn here, in technical terms, but that is all.  In personal terms that what I am being forced to accept is that I am useless. 
 
Question 1. - is a learning that also adds the rider that you are not worth the one you are really useful?
* I know Aline will not agree with it and Ken wouldn’t either.
I am on a very difficult stage of life (when have I haven’t been) but it is about time to make some standards and it is about time that I did. 
…with hope for better.
apurva 

random thoughts

October 16th, 2012
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Hi,
Who am I? this question can be answered in hundreds of ways. but I doubt if any one of them would be correct. Who can define me correctly? I look around, and I realize there is no one because no one knows me.
There are people around who like to judge me, there are people around me who say they understand me. If I could be defined in conventional terms they would be correct. But I can not be. 
Here, I am, as a result of my efforts, my mistakes, my choices and due to my needs & wants, in this city. 
A few of close friends say, i made a mistake. A few of close people say- if you ain’t comfortable, move on.
Those who are around me say, stay, because you don’t know the things you should be knowing. (They don not and can not know that i write too). 
Among people who like to and take their pride in judging others, I feel stuck. 
I have loved machines, it is not hidden from anyone, this man has found his reason among machines. I am a machine, in a way, too. 
Sometimes, i question myself- why can’t I be writer or may be journalist but then I realize, the sequence will follow again, i would be, again, nowhere. Be reminded, I am not the strongest, be reminded, I am not the best. Do realize and do remember, I am one among all. I am just like all, a none but a lot, a lot but a none.
why can’t I fight my way through. to be frank, I must be. I should be, I feeling of loosing fills me. 
“IT does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop”. Confucius said that.
is it not true?? 
We have quit studying the Old heroes. May be because out newly acquired wealth, our newly acquired speed does not allow us the freedom of moral. Or may be we think, standards of morality have changed.
but then if I would ask any one of us, what does he know by morality, either there will be no answer or else he would give me a sigh and provide me an answer he read eons ago in school.
So, who am I? does this question has an answer? I don’t know. I am lost more then ever. but it is a question, i need to chase.
Apurva 

Over the gates

January 9th, 2012
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Hi,
today is

A new breath

October 22nd, 2011
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Hi,

Finally got some energy. Believe it or not, i am typing from a computer terminal after several months. It feels awkward- wha to talk about? what to share? The country is undergoing change, if you are feeling scared, don’t  worry, even I am scared,  everybody is. You may  be more scared- You got families to care for. I am scared because I am aware of the change. But don’t worry
“Even it shall pass”.

Living as a common man is an experience in itself. It is ‘on duty 24 hours’. Deeper i sink into the shoes of a common man- more i respect them all. No longer do I blame them for not paying attention, No longer can I say - they are careless.  They are brave people, women they are gallent.

More then that, my anger towards the educated, previlidged society  is reducing.  It is being replaced by horror.  A group of people living in wonderland, like Alice. We are not worth critisism, but worth pity. Living in an wonderland, building a wonderland, acting blind folded. We don’t even know where we are headed with the horse collars.   

Five months back, I had decided to retract- I said to myself, I done enough, now got to take care of my life. Then, I came across the works of Mr. P. Sainath. It blew me out of my shoes, I havn’t seen real poverty yet. Yes, africa is in bad condition, but our population isn’t doing any better either.

The job is not done. But the way ahead, I don’t know; This is eating me like a virus. I have grown weak now,
being  a common man has this effect. But being one common man who has seen down the drain can drive you mad. Only Lord knows what I should be doing ahead. May be I need to find a teacher for myself.
God knows and in him I trust and thus I walk.

Yes! before I end this post..
Thank you to the Central government, J&K government & everybody else for considering to remove AFSPA from J&K. I know it is hard, but someday we all have to wake up. Someday we all have to understand people need to feel free, wings grow only when the  bird feels free. Hard for the guards, but freedom is the only way out of the chakraview.

God Bless India

..Apurva




a ray

September 13th, 2011
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hi,
One of our best pasttime-scrutinizing where did we start to fall. Hoping, if we find it will correct all that went wrong & well! build a better future.
Past can’t be unwritten, should never be erased. it was, with the agreement of that moment. What you have is today. You are a product of what was. Build from where you are, with what you are.

for several people, the level of persecutions’ been high. They suffer, have suffered lot but to transfer that suffering to your surrounding is not the solution.

search engine_type in_me

September 5th, 2011
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hi,

last friday, had a very serious discussion with my good friend, ‘A’ regarding ‘me’. Did the term politics, peace, development not sneak in? they did.

but the final topic; one that disarmed me; lasted for 3 hours; we didn’t finish.

‘Me’
i have spent a considerable time chasing freedom, yet it deludes me. every step has taken me closer to people. everytime i finish; a new challenge appears.

‘A’ asked a valid question -what about you? I had no answer, the ‘me’, I realize, has disappeared.

street lights

September 2nd, 2011
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hi,

ever felt irritated with the daily struggle in the city. how many of us console ourselves by saying life is an struggle, an everyday fight. how many of us are out there praying to gods ‘let me have a life free of hassle’ ‘a day of peace’??

a part of this disturbance lies inside. how many of us transfer a part of disturbance to others? if you have spent most of your time & still find life tough. i suggest- cooperate, share a smile.

city is huge, but you would, still, be able to build a happier family.uld, still, be able to build a happier family.

a bumpy road

August 30th, 2011
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hi,
two weeks, total six days each 24 hours long, passed. what did i write? zero articles :(
yes! i wrote poems. but i had planned articles. What happened?

there is a time for everything, why don’t i write more on oil? why don’t i write more on poor people? why do i write about a was going on outside? about exploitations abroad?
but not what goes on in India?

may be, coz’ i haven’t laboured enough, frankly speaking, i wanted to see before i comment, but i am still at square one.

hope i succeed.