aday’s blog

time 08:38

Hi,

Power cut is over. I had two cups of tea during the last one hour. It is amazing, when I look up, I can see the clear sky, uninterupted by light. It is a beautiful scene. The moutain in the neighbourhood, covered with a kind of smog, is faint, yet is beautiful.

Day was boring for me. A very wierd stage of  life, I don’t know what I do, why I do and what is the need to do it. I know that I am hiding from something, what  I don’t know is what I am hiding from. That passion that existed in my eyes is now replaced with a blank. Loneliness is playing her games; I am letting her play them without even an ounce of desire to stop her.

Morning sea was beautiful, waves had a music, my blank mind likes it, the sound resonates with my inside.

…There are no thoughts that exist right now, except for one- what am I?

..Have a lovely week ahead.

Apurva P

I called my own self today
and asked can I be alone with it,
away from my thoughts.

hard it was,
but for a few moments,
It was arranged.
all my thoughts lost to anger,
it took not much of courage.

There we were,
me and me staring
each other in the eye.
we knew,
yes we did,
my life his,
his mine indeed.

so we stared until
tears slid down my eye,
I can not wipe them,
he said,
but - Hey! go on.

You are doing good,
he said, you are doing good;
then he disappered.


……Apurva

Draft written on 25/4.

– should I study the robots around me? a good time consuming activity- a deep observation of these robots reveals- a mask- they hide behind masks; a scarf, a  black eye cover and a phone and an ear phone- perfect deception. I too am one of them, no different- I tell you- i am no different- we hide a lie, i hide one - they hide one-  they ain’t busy or important, they are worth less, atleast for those few moments,  they are worthless, like everybody else.

Hi,


it rained yesterday, today- the clouds are all gone and it is a naked sun out there, it is raining heat.

14th was a special day, Baba Saheb’s Jayanti birth day was celebrated everywhere, It felt proud to be in this ctiy, It was one heaven of a celebration.
Then there was a tiime last weak when i was travelling across Andra pradesh. the country side(villages) are beautiful, still virgin, stilll innocent.  and I met a few people- Truck drivers, a marine, a guy who made Tabla and a tailor and a student and a businessman and a pathologist and  a whole lot of other people. It was not supposed to be fun but it was and it is now part of my memory.

I  looked at the sea after a long time, I saw them beautiful machines after  a long time, and I felt the smell of sea water after a long time.

Then I came back, back to my routine- but then things are not the same- I am again getting ideas- I am again thinking, i am again feeling lively. Does it happen with all of us? does it happen with us all the time?
 
I been trying to understand the science of efficiency, I been trying to find out the reason of inefficient life styles that we are getting diverted to. I could not but agree with the views of E.F.Schumacher- when u talk of resource, people deserve the prime importence, people as consumer and people as producer can not be treated seperately, and i find a bit of my answer in this anamoly-
a person getting treated as producer, being framed, trained and forced to act as producer for 10-13 hours(includes travelling time)  a day and then accepted to behave an another human being, as a consumer for the rest of his time. It feels odd, we are actually asking for dual behaviour of the same person., it is odd-
expect a person to act as - use minimun when at office- but spend maximum when out of office. 
It is like asking a person to be Dr Jekyll( a doctor) in the day and Mr Hyde( a monster) in the night. 

Why am I stressing on this poing. How can a society be accepted to be sane when everybody  is accepted to show dual behaviour, when everything is designed to promote the dual behaviour?


……..Apurva

(comments invited at apurva.p@rediffmail.com)

WITH NOTHING WE BEGIN,

WITH NOTHINGWE START,

SOME OF US FIND A SOMETHING AND STAY.

SOME OF US FIND NOTHING AND GO ON

FEW FEEL ASHAMED AND HIDE

FEW COLLECT PIECES AND BUILT

 OTHERS  JOIN HANDS, HELP OUT

OTHERS FIND IT NOT WORTH AND GO ON.

YES, THUS IT GOES ON,

Hi,

What makes us loose?  You know, we, the people, we always find a ‘something’ to fight for- a dream, a thought, an object - we give ourselves to it, that something is there in front of our eyes, with us while we sleep or walk awake; and we give whole of ourselves to achieve it, to get it, to earn - only to realize that one morning-  it is all gone, that one day – the same day, when we were expecting that dream, that goal to be fulfilled, it actually disappeared, like the water that gets spilled on the ground. It was there, just a moment before and now it is no longer there; only wet sand, wet mud.

Even more terrible is the feeling, when you get up and try again and it again slips off. Even more terrible is the life, where we accept that any dream that we dream of, we try for will eventually slip off, leaving us with nothing but only another blank tomorrow.

There is no escape, if you are alive, the next day will eventually come.  Weather I lose; weather I gain, the sun is going to rise up, the nature will be there.  The wind is not there because I or you need to breaths, it was there and we came up.  The sun is not there, so that we can see, or trees can grow, or so that there is light. The sun was there, the planets were there, the water was there, it was only because they were there that we came up, that we learned to  walk around in light. And trust me, even if we pollute the whole world, so bad that we ourselves can’t breathe. Still the sun, the water, the wind will be there.  Not doing, but being what they are. Sun will remain the sun; wind will keep on flowing; water will still be there. Yes, the forms of life may change but it will go on.

“Creation will continue.”

The disappointments what make us to suffer, are they because of our inefficiency? Are they because of our incompetence? Are they because we are unable to fully utilize our skills? Is it the loss that makes us suffer or is it us, or the community that says we have performed poorly then we could, that makes us suffer more?

Are we not like the God’s employees who said to him- I will help! And then he set out to help, but still could not manage as much as him and failed to use our, self estimated, levels of skills fully. Are we not like the God’s employees who then cursed themselves – saying, I am sorry, I failed You.

What was it that actually drove Einstein to give his theories, a pursuit of using his whole mind or was it just using it? What was it that actually drove Edison to invent a bulb? What was it that drove Ramanujan to do mathematics? What was it that drove Watt towards steam or helped warner brothers towards building a world of cartoons? or  the Wright brothers towards a flying machine?  Why did Columbus, or amerigo, or vasco de Gama or bodhisattva travel? What drove the people who searched oil in 19^th century or the explorers who buzzed across the glove in 18^th century?

Can I use current day accounting and term them efficient?  Would you like to go ahead and say they are bad examples of human potential?

Purpose of water is not to flow, it flows by its virtues, it just is. The wind does not flow because it chooses to but it just flows. We do not breathe because we choose to, off course you can choose to not to breathe but even if you ignore breathing it will go on.

I end the article here.

Bye,

Apurva

Hi,

Sometimes on weekends, when I am returning from market, I meet a few painters. Now, weekends, evening time in the bus, it is a crowded bus, and these people, they are heading for their second shift, night shift. It may be tough to hit on a conversation with  the ‘jeans or the pant’ community but these people, i mean, if I can crack a good joke, i can crack a conversation with them. One of them works with copper, I don’t know his level of skill, but he is old and he feels a bit tired too but, if, he wishes to talk, he can talk.
It is tough to talk a lot, because It is me who has to speak most of the time, but it is fun because we don’t talk of world, we don’t talk of the country or of the city, we are talking of nothing.

I like that.  It feels lively.
-
I been reading a lot of economics these days, and I been reading a lot of finances and of market stuff. But you know what! they still ain’t poetry. But they are interesting, and if I tell the truth, the matters have got more twists and turns then a bollywood movie.  It is no surprise that the regulators in our country and away have a tough time. It is a surprise that most of them still do their job, good and well, with the incentives they get.

No wonder, nobody talks of them too much.
—————-

Yesterday, we had a kind of breakdown, the system we were working on decided to play tricks.  So there was a time, when we all acted as if we did not know what to do with our time. and it was time that I write about. You know the sun did not care and so did not the moon. and them kept us their schedules.
–

life, I think that is where our attention should be, not on what we do, not on why we do or on where we are.
life, like time doesn’t come back. It is a round on the merry - go -round. If you don’t enjoy it, you won’t notice the difference but there were a few minutes that you missed and something worth the time passed you by.

…Cheers,
Apurva

hi,

loosing birds, I just lost a post again. It was about asking for something, getting something else, still accepting it and then crying- foul play. That is it.. an Attitude that - i carried with me. it was a bit angry post, i was trying to say- it is stupid. if I am not getting what I need, why to accept the alternative, I mean -WHY?

I know compromise is a way of life but if you do it everytime then a compromise is wrong road.  it is the wrong boat. Jump off it, before, the boat becomes your cruise in the sea. You can not travel a sea in a boat, a worst compromise, a bad decision. you may end up wise and say- this boat, that is mine(now) ain’t fit for the sea, so  i will stay in the river, forever. See!!! and you become one of the all, the hundreds of people in that river over crowded with boats and over crowded with people who say, i was good enough to be a sailor and you want to blame somebody, anybody who won’t get back on you. that is wrong, u are in the boat, you chosse the boat, i are the one in the river. you are the man( or the woman) in there.

The story is mine too. though, I have been even more stupid- and taken that boat of mine, into the sea. stupid it is, but I did that, and now! you know what I am doing. not much difference, you have made a better
choice then me. but we both have missed the point. The sea is where we should be and you go to sea in a sea worthy vessel. not a river boat.

not tough to understand but tough to gulp in.

cheers,
Apurva

Hi,

so what am I doing these days. I want to get away, back to a life, back to people who act like people.
the wise say - there is no surity that the past can be reexperienced. but I am still hopeful that more communities may still  exist in this complex corporate indian materialistic world, which still act human(not robotic) It is not a comment on the people but it is just a choice expressed by an individual. that is it.

Hard, it is too touch to find non robotic systems; most of us can justify the requirements of the same, I don’t wish to fight with them, they have their choice, i have mine. and then again, i have grown up in small town atmosphere, where there never were too manythings, so my need of a similar system is understandable.

Now, if you are thinking, why am i writing all this, then! well, i am sorry! but this is what I used to write when i was nothing  today when I am nothing again. To write was my passion and I wrote — a lot of such things which meant nothing to the lot and meant something to a somebody, who actually feels a no body. 

to write is more importent to me. 
God, let me write more scrap, but let me pen breath

(unedited)
may god be with you.
………….apurva

I was nothing, that was the truth of my life, and like all those who are nothing, when i received some value, i over drew out of it and thus I lost that little I had. The small chance that I had to get out of the rat and little people maze.

two years, I have been here among the city people, city systems and among the managed population.  The best I can make out today is-  it is nothing more then a maze, a maze where the people at top keep on changing the postion of cheese and that is all that happens.

The world that I experienced was out of this maze, yes there too a game of cheese and no cheese existed but it was without borders, it was not a maze. it was a live thing. but then in two years i have realized it is not  easy to get out, I don’t know how to get out..I wish to, but I don’t know.  How many of you know? I mean, i don’t find too many escaping out, at  most I see people changing the levels of maze but I don’t find too many moving out and away.

Lot of things are moving about in the world, though I find them again wandering like mad man. I wonder what is the purpose of all those great people in our country doing what they are doing. why they are doing, i mean- how many of them are thinking long term.  how many of them even understand -the consequences of their actions.  but they do it. It still is better, I mean look at me. trapped in the maze. 

what is actually good for a man or for a woman? so many of us spend their lives in this maze and  they end up happy people. so many of us spend our time trying to break out of the maze and end up still on the floor, a few end up with a bad temper. what is better? 
I will leave with this  question. The post has got too long.