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Day no 23

May 18th, 2013
Hi,

A week has passed. I still don’t know much about my own plans. I don’t think I have any left(behind).


dreams break/ times take /them away
but times /when you dare /challenge
the world’s right /against your /belief
that is what is called /a dare.

when the man/ has lost /his reason
and the steps /he takes /make no sense
and he answers not to any /but only to /inner-self
it is then/ the act is called /a dare.

dreams break /times  take /them away.
but till you own /your sense /of conscience.
you are /not over /neither is the battle
let time /take away /what you built till today
try again/ and it will be said /you dared.





The rainbow bridge

May 14th, 2013

Hi,

“30 percent is fate. The rest is a battle. You can only win if you love a good fight.” - from Shinjuku Incident (Movie)
An Out cast, I guess, that is how I am feeling right now. 30 days more…then I would be again on journey. Out again; out, to find a new place, a new search for bread and shelter.  My stay in Andhra has been a personal disaster except for the realization that i can still run long distance. Not fully without please, I will be leaving Vizag soon; too sooner  then intended. Off  to fight  another battle.
This journey would be a lot different then the one I had in 2010, then I had a money security. I could sit in a coffee shop and contemplate for hours. This time, this one, will be tougher. 
I know what Aline would say- you already have won the fight, just keep your belief in yourself up and you you will soon see that you have already won. ..Amen
…Apurva 

a blessed hand

March 4th, 2013

a blessed hand

there is something inside,
inside ‘em swollen eyes,
that you can not,
yes, cannot understand.

touch it.

and that is all you do.

a curse from the old page

March 2nd, 2013

forget not the time,

I am here to remind,
the time will move,
but will leave behind,
for you- a moment.
A moment to fulfill your wish,
a moment to live your life.
regret, sunset,
lost or left;
if you stick behind
you will stay there,
forever-till- you move out,
in a moment that has passed. 
writing pages,
for a book already published.
so move on,
live - don’t give,
a thought - to staying behind.
bad, ugly, hard, tough
or the worst, if is written, 
let it come,
for only then it shall pass.
so- move on.
forget not the time.

Kashmir, me, kashmir & again ….me

February 15th, 2013

hi,

today is 15th. six years old that is what this blog is. by grace of coincidence, today is also a friday. a holy day in itself.

when i had begun, this blog was, not that i don’t do the same today, but i was a person filled with anger, a soul yearning for a different world, not ready to accept the world, wishing it to be replaced with a better one.

do i not wish the same today?
i don’t know, earlier i was certain, this world, this country will never change. but i was wrong. how i don’t know but the world is different around me.

it does not mean that everybody around me have changed, or that world has become ‘all roses’ for me. it certainly does not mean, i haven’t taken any loses. i have, i guess, lost everything that i had known or had dreamt of.

but yet i feel more at peace with myself. less in anger with the world. like, for an instance, yesterday itself, i lost the only window, i had of reclaiming the only part of myself left around. but i lost it.

reasons, you see, trying to figure out who or what is responsible, help not much. they do provide a window for venting anger but they do nothing more then that.

venting anger by hurting somebody else is like calling saying that the other person is responsible for the misery you are in. venting anger. doing harm to the other, calling them responsible for your problem, is like saying- ‘i don’t own my life, you do & you have messed it up.’ That is so wrong.

i don’t say that the other may not have caused it but the moment you put the blame. you have given him the upper hand, and missed an opportunity.

the later is a shame. for you have just lost a chance given to you by nature. and the former has given another scar on your skin. that too is a matter of shame.

i guess, this is what i have learned during this time, nature never wishes to hurt you. whether your go ahead or step back, there is a new chance. what i have learned is that the one you are holding responsible for
your misery, himself is powerless (the way you feel). the innocence of them, i used to call devilish, has amazed me a lot. even the ruthlessness of a killer, amazes me, how powerless they are against the forces of time.

i know, i am talking about acceptance of situation, as it is. but that in no way means, i am talking of giving up.

it is important to first find out your real purpose of your life; important to not to react but to act. do the right thing. know your real shoes.
“the moment you put responsibility on others shoulder you have lost it yourself”

“you have just given power to somebody else to make you feel hurt.” that is so so wrong.

i wish you all best of the day. have a peace filled friday.

Cheers and smiles,
apurva

Second thought: launch pad

January 21st, 2013

As discussed in the earlier posts, I have raised my doubts on the current believes of life, I was, unfortunately, able to get the answer to the development we have made via technology and machinery as another type of system. the travelling particles.

Unfortunately, that gives me an idea of what the next question would be and what the next answer could be, so I as well should get away with them quick.
Somewhere in future time, we will grow more energetic, more advanced then today and we would need not to travel but still we could travel, in simple words - radiate life. Another system. I am still not demoralized to ask next question.
—————and i have lost this post too….(I don’t know what I wrote in there but above was retrieved)
next question?? ? ( I don’t know)
why are we? to run the system? this freaks me out. Lord would give me vision, thoughts, an art of shaping words, give me smile, give me feelings only to run a system? that freaks me out. I don’t want to catch that explanation. 
–let me refresh myself- I want to know the answer to the question-
why should I be going to my office tomorrow and doing what I do everyday? or for heaven’s sake do anything that I do in a day- wake up, cook, travel, watch movies, eat, sleep, read. 
For most of them, I do have an answer- to keep my imagination alive. I mean wasn’t it my imagination that brought me this post. 
Answering at least one thing- that I must go on- because that is how I can find my answers. If I was not doing things apart from eating, waking up, sleeping, doing my job. I wouldn’t have been here- asking these questions, if I was doing just that, SURVIVING as a middle class person. 
Okay, so I will change my schedule now. make it better, read, go for walk, go on excursions. because I need an answer, (I need lots of answers). 
why are we?
In fact, now I also can say, why should I excel in my craft, because that is what I know right now and If I stop then that is all that I will know, if I wish to know more, I got to go on. (That’s a win for my boss I guess :) )
cheers & smiles.
…Apurva
PS. the question still stands- why are we? The purpose of our being? The reason for our existence or the reason for existence of anything?
 

second thought: Evolution

January 21st, 2013

In the last post, I talked about time and the reality(my respect) that it must pass on and that I must, in flesh, degrade with it. I also talked about the way the current purpose, as I have been preached, feels to me. And I also said, I am not feeling easy accepting it. 

I have a dual life, lives that can not match and also can no longer be separated from me. That means I am a rider of two boats both in different stream, in the same world, but different waters and they can not be separated. If they can be merged, I do not know of the ways. A few say, I am thinking more then I should. but then again, one can not return. what ever we have been taught, are being taught all says, in unison, only one thing- the universe is a system and everything in it has it’s place. that is what the current high profile sciences  are teaching us that is what our ancient cultures have been teaching us. 
but if that is true- why give us imagination? why give us the second thoughts? 
Standard explanation is- there are notches & there are loop holes. there are ends and there are ambiguities.
that is all very easy- if you accept that all is a system. a single system.  I don’t know if I am ready to accept that.
Why would lord give me the capability to see and interpret colors if it was not supposed to yield a beautiful moment. Emotions do have a place then; they can not be, just a byproduct of the system around me. 
what if all was not a system? 
what if we were not meant to be born and die only because we must. (as a result of a successful intercourse)?
what if we had a choice beyond what we know?
what if I don’t go to my office(only) to work and thus play my part in the system?
All was running well, if we accept the ’system plan’ until we learned to make machines, we speeded up the systems. all was again running well, until we learned to fly, all was running well, until we learned to travel in ships and planes. all was well until internet was devised. 
I, who was, somehow born to do my work as my ,inherited, systems worked. Today, roams in the world. Talks to people around the globe and talk of people around the globe. is not so. 
I know what the most advanced of you will say- the next stage, where molecules can travel carrying their energies. Another system. Oh yes, another thought to ponder upon.
(cont.)

Second thoughts: a noon

January 21st, 2013

As the day is sliding ahead, mesmerized by the beauty of dark. my mind relaxes, confirmed that it again has escaped my searching soul and that a eve will shut my mouth and i will be, again, forced to give up to hunger and need to keep up with my schedule. or it hopes that i will again give calls to them friends of mine who can answer not my questions but do can help the clock tower keep its pace.

alas, it has always been proved correct. I hope, today, i can defeat it’s ruthless craving for certainity.

music, i was certain will help me find myself.but it too is not helping much, for the brain commands my mind to learn but commands are physical and heart trusts none of that kind.

i can pick up a book and read- how the systems work or fail, or how the world is gulping itself up or may be how to run a forge or may be things on how to do better or learn more of craft. but i don’t wish too. may be i can pick up the instrument & practice playing a song that i understand not.

or may be not

Second thought; away! O clock tower, away!

January 21st, 2013

People around me, friends & foes alike. have chosen their tracks. Satisfied or not, they have accepted the track they walk on and give it all of theirs. 

Second thought, if they have one, it reflects not in their dealing with the life. 
I on the other hand, still find second thoughts engraved in my mind. I try to convince my heart of the reality that is around, the truth that exists on the ground, in front of me. But it listens not. 
I know not that the people around me think about, me or my day but I know, that I am still a simple man. Apart from my excursions around the world, via words and thoughts, I still am a simple human being, yearning for the same life that everybody around me errs for. 
What to do with this second thought. Osho, in his audio’s once said- ‘mind; when it wants to avoid something, it pushes you for the impossible.’ [wordings not exact]
is that what is happening to me? is my mind playing games with me?
Life can not be simpler for me, I have learned of that. Words weave the world around, whether I write them or not. 
Everyday, i wake up, have second thought about my day. thoughts which bind me to my bed and to my room until the clock commands a decision and my brain chooses the logical option and my day begins. I like my best self thus goes on- lives the day or should i say- spends the time. until the hammer of schedule lightens and I am alone again. since the hours are mostly over, so is the load of clock. 
Then, I decide to die again, into my tomb knowing what the body and my brain leisure- food & entertainment. as the night falls. sometimes i wake up, sometimes I rest in peace. But the whole lies dead in the tomb. Everyday, I do the same thing. A day, like today, when I resist and thus break off the chains of schedule, break myself free. the brains but still lies dead. For it knows not what it must do,  except of cursing me for letting it out of its daily misery.
The sun has already traveled half the sky. The body yearns for food, or rather the mind wishes it to eat, to pass some more time, or to make me lazy again. return back to sleep, let the clock slip; so that it does not have to indulge in the tiresome job of trying to field against the unknown.
Another child of the middle class curse, spelled upon us by the monster of greed and the system of uniformity -’give them a bit of everything so they do not think or yearn for more but to remain in their zombie sleep; running, never out running, the system.’
But today, I am here, a bit away from my schedule. telling my brain- hungry, if I am; in pain, if I am; lonesome, If I am; guilty of not doing my daily labour, if I am; I wish differently. This post is, even if it turns out blank, an effort to find my route.
Second thought, that is what it is.
(I am typing with one hand decorated with a cramp bandage.)
Second thought.
 (cont…)

Tug

January 5th, 2013

A new year has begun. 

Wishing all the readers well. I heard news from Delhi, it is cold, too  cold to be sitting outside but people are daring the cold too.  If the authorities were counting on cold to save them well they are in the wrong era. The temperature is stilling increasing, the atmosphere is simmering. 
I am asked this question several times, what do i prefer more, the way of the old or the speed of today. 
I guess, I don’t have the answer. Though I am a child of the speed, I run by the ways of old. 
Them old questions are rising again, what are our values, what do we want more - pride, career, family or money. What is the most important thing of these. I  guess all are & the different choices that people make are also not incorrect. seven colors for one rainbow. 
My past too stands behind. By lords grace, i had a chance to make it up(if, a bit) with my family. I do not say, the alienation that I face is gone, but at least I have tried. 
I am back to the world of metal, for one thing, closer to the salty waters for second. far away from people I understand but closer to people who I need to understand. Need.
Need- what need is there for us people to hang out in open, face the brutal character of our world?
what need is there for us all to go in a different direction then what our parents had planned for us?
why are us protesting out in open cold, when we have the thing, we were taught is the most important, a career; why are we out in open?
The answer is not more- the answer is not desire, it is not fire nor is it danger neither threat. the  reason is - A Life. Above all the things that we accumulate in our time, there is one thing that we value, agree or not, are memories, are our experiences. 
independence is of course important but more important is our right to keep that independence. But that right, is and will always be coupled with duties. When the independence is hurt, we need to protect it. 
and that is why we are out in to the open, you at delhi- I at my sea shore, another at his destined location. 
To do our duty, to fight for our right to remain independent. 
..may Gods bless our year ahead.