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the command

October 5th, 2012
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I know this road,
i have been here before.
among these stiffened souls,
among their frozen lives.

i had wished to stay away,
in the wide desert,
under the infinite sky,
but here i am, again
i have been here before.
different flesh,
different language,
but the same frozen lives.

why has the lord,
chosen it again,
chosen me again.
is the time right?
is the me correct?
i question,
while the burning me,
ashes away.

The title

October 3rd, 2012
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I know of no sunshine,

that left me alone.
I know of no winds 
that left me alone.
like the winds, the sky,
like the lands, the trees,
them all,
stand besides me.
even the sea,
complains not.
of me wandering 
away and back again to his shore.
But I hold a grudge,
against my fellow men,
for I find them not
respecting, loving, caressing 
their neighbour’s and own’s life.
Thus I ran away,
thus I planned again,
to run away from this mess.
but O holy sea,
I ask of thee to tell me,
why, why should I not.
For I wish to have a home,
a place, where my children can grow,
and I can rest for a moment,
knowing, the company them have
is human again.
…….apurva

Here I am

October 1st, 2012
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Here I am

among the greens,
among the people
who are darker in skin,
darker just like me.
lives, that I do not understand,
thoughts that I detest, but do not understand.
I will not say,
that I am not 
as worst as people around,
I could even be,
a devil worst then I thought.
But here I am.
Lost, not because I fell down,
but because the world changed
and held behind.
Lost, not because them are odd,
but because, I cared not 
for what could come in line.
Lost, but here I am.
My words are sour now,
my thoughts, bitter 
then I ever planned.
here I am.
a self declared knight,
I rode on a horse
that was weak,
I lifted loads
that were, are,
not suited for my bones.
Here I am
The reality, 
reality has not changed.
the roots degrade,
the spoiled soil and 
polluted air,
still there.
but I am 
unable to hold 
that banner of Gold,
that says “have faith”
here I am
A fool, as all call.
a fool, as all sound- the word shame.
to the one they see.
Here I am.
Aye! here I am,
but that can not be me.
If he was,
he needs not to be.
I need not to be.
a candle reminds me,
that the time is never up,
that life is never up,
we are a truth,
we are a life,
but no more then 
the past that was.
So, I can
Yes, I can
start from where I am.
and build again,
build to become
a better man.
Here I am.

breath it away

September 30th, 2012
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A world that never was

I ran away,
I never thought
that it was
the reality of my crusade.
But as I return to the world,
of people, shattered,
disfigured by everyday life.
I realize,
I had run away.
the beautiful Rann of Gujarat,
and the hard lives of men living close to sea.
are only a part.
the lovely hearts of pune,
or the beautiful sites of J&K
are only a spot.
Away from them,
billions reside.
away from there 
are millions of different lives.
an alien among them,
at this new site,
I realize,
my home was not different,
the hard pressed lives 
of madhya pradesh
are not odd,
but are even
with the people all around.
Hard it is,
too hard to say,
in a few lines
for any man
or woman I must say
to survive, 
to have a life.
Honest, if I must say.
but then,
a thought springs inside,
why to give in?
why to be, what I dislike
why not to start a new life.
falling,
that I must has
has been my regular time.
failing that too has been
my regular time.
I ran away,
that could be,
the truth of my beginning,
my start,
but why should that be
end of my crusade.
A little faith,
if it still breaths inside
and I do feel
it still lies inside.
has broken mountains,
has built lives.
why can I not try,
try again?
I ran away,
that could be
the truth of my beginning,
but that defines not
what I can be.
a new road, a new boat,
why not to give it another try?
why not to give it rest of my life.

The new station

September 29th, 2012
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a broken house,
a shattered dream,
that is what I find
when I enter that apartment of mine.
a house shared with someone
I know not, I like not,
a deal that turned bad,
has fed,
only the dark side of me.
a few steps inside,
and I realize
the strange smell,
still fills the right side 
of that, 
which I call my house.

on the left, a room

a four walled box
that houses a bed,
and houses me.
a broken thought,
a shattered dream,
that is what I find,
when I lie down,
and watch the shelves
and the cotton besides,
littered with pages 
littered, I say
for them lie,
with the disgusted part of me.
how it became,
how it became so,
I know not.
but this new station,
beautiful though,
feels not so.
The sea shore
cherishes me not,
the iron maidens,
flourish my heart not.
The greens close,
yet distant
calm me not.
but the pen,
I still have it close by,
I hold it near to me.
fallen, bruised 
but not done yet.
Thee may read,
or may not.
but to write,
is what I knew
colored my heart.
Why not?
why not?
to try again.
try; because I still am.
because I still am

dry rain

July 10th, 2012
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Hi,

I was a bit sick last week so  please excuse my absence.
So, where am I- I was asking this to the sea. Like always, I received no answer but did receive some waves. That evening was lovely. I was late and  the ships far ahead in the anchorage felt like towers of light, a decorated floor. A beautiful evening.

Last week I again fell sick, the feeling was overwhelming, the question was [and is] pressing hard- why do we live for, what do we live for. I did not receive any answers, from that[this] point there are infinite possible roads, one is of denial- nothing is wrong, just go on; another is of lying to self- everything is fine, you are hallucinating, just go on; else leave everything to time, just go on, or else - life is over.- Halt and analyze; or worst, game over- leave the game; or may be, find the one responsible who brought you down thus a road will show.
Trust me, there are so many things that can come to your mind.

But none of them matter, none of them guide and worst is once you realize that all them reasons are fake. you are in trouble, the mind can build no real things, once confronted with reality - it is as lame as a tied goat.
Discipline works in such cases, fight on until the day comes out. I am not a trained man [oops]

So what else is possible, if not hide, if not lie, if not sleep and worst if not a disciplined person?

you need to trust in yourself, understand that I am weak, and fight on- without discipline you will fall more and more and the falls will be longer and harder but fight on.

Most difficult road is the road towards freedom but that is where the reality lives.

….Apurva

a few moments

July 1st, 2012
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Hi,

There was no perfect world, something made out of imagination. something made out by a somebody to hide from the reality.  I am a victim of that imagined world.

The world out is tough and I realize that it was always like this and I am finding that it is also supposed to be like this and most important there is no escape from this reality.
Oh! yes you can hide, Millions of us do, do that successfully (at least that is how it appears to their family and people at home).

….apurva

listening to waves

June 3rd, 2012
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Hi,

Week 2 at my new station. Still not settled, sharing rooms, luggage still packed. It may take another 3 weeks before i open up my luggage. A beautiful place, humid, new for me but still a beautiful place. It is close to nature. People are close to reality, I like it.
When I talk with people, actually, when I try to speak with people, it is interesting and comforting, I don’t understand them and they do not understand me. I like it this way, language is not the mode, expression is, we understand other’s need and guess what them wants to know and respond.

Met two Rajkot guys yesterday, felt good. My gujarati is not as good as it was, but it felt good. ” arth nu avakash hova joiye”.

Since there are no english news papers and news too is in local language, I don’t know what is going on in the country, so, I won’t talk much of that, away from the logics of world and society, it is comforting for me out here.

last wednesday, i spent an hour listening to waves,  it felt homely, if felt betterr, i felt loved. somebody still remembers me, it comforts.

With love,
Apurva