aday’s blog

Hi,

I was a bit sick last week so  please excuse my absence.
So, where am I- I was asking this to the sea. Like always, I received no answer but did receive some waves. That evening was lovely. I was late and  the ships far ahead in the anchorage felt like towers of light, a decorated floor. A beautiful evening.

Last week I again fell sick, the feeling was overwhelming, the question was [and is] pressing hard- why do we live for, what do we live for. I did not receive any answers, from that[this] point there are infinite possible roads, one is of denial- nothing is wrong, just go on; another is of lying to self- everything is fine, you are hallucinating, just go on; else leave everything to time, just go on, or else - life is over.- Halt and analyze; or worst, game over- leave the game; or may be, find the one responsible who brought you down thus a road will show.
Trust me, there are so many things that can come to your mind.

But none of them matter, none of them guide and worst is once you realize that all them reasons are fake. you are in trouble, the mind can build no real things, once confronted with reality - it is as lame as a tied goat.
Discipline works in such cases, fight on until the day comes out. I am not a trained man [oops]

So what else is possible, if not hide, if not lie, if not sleep and worst if not a disciplined person?

you need to trust in yourself, understand that I am weak, and fight on- without discipline you will fall more and more and the falls will be longer and harder but fight on.

Most difficult road is the road towards freedom but that is where the reality lives.

….Apurva

time 08:38

Hi,

Power cut is over. I had two cups of tea during the last one hour. It is amazing, when I look up, I can see the clear sky, uninterupted by light. It is a beautiful scene. The moutain in the neighbourhood, covered with a kind of smog, is faint, yet is beautiful.

Day was boring for me. A very wierd stage of  life, I don’t know what I do, why I do and what is the need to do it. I know that I am hiding from something, what  I don’t know is what I am hiding from. That passion that existed in my eyes is now replaced with a blank. Loneliness is playing her games; I am letting her play them without even an ounce of desire to stop her.

Morning sea was beautiful, waves had a music, my blank mind likes it, the sound resonates with my inside.

…There are no thoughts that exist right now, except for one- what am I?

..Have a lovely week ahead.

Apurva P

Hi,

Week 2 at my new station. Still not settled, sharing rooms, luggage still packed. It may take another 3 weeks before i open up my luggage. A beautiful place, humid, new for me but still a beautiful place. It is close to nature. People are close to reality, I like it.
When I talk with people, actually, when I try to speak with people, it is interesting and comforting, I don’t understand them and they do not understand me. I like it this way, language is not the mode, expression is, we understand other’s need and guess what them wants to know and respond.

Met two Rajkot guys yesterday, felt good. My gujarati is not as good as it was, but it felt good. ” arth nu avakash hova joiye”.

Since there are no english news papers and news too is in local language, I don’t know what is going on in the country, so, I won’t talk much of that, away from the logics of world and society, it is comforting for me out here.

last wednesday, i spent an hour listening to waves,  it felt homely, if felt betterr, i felt loved. somebody still remembers me, it comforts.

With love,
Apurva