Of love - Old & New
Posted in my musings... on 05/12/2007 08:01 am by sudha lakhera
How easy is it for people in love to come to terms with the 'Exes' in the lives of their partner? "I am still friends with my Ex!" "My Ex and I still share a great friendship minus the passion!" "I loved the food my 'Ex's' mom cooked!". "I was discussing this with 'Ex' and 'the person' doesn't think it's a great idea!" "The 'Ex' asked me when you and I are taking our relationship to the next level!" Careless statements which regardless of the 'open mindedness' of the spouse / current partner involved more often than not cause a twinge in the heart, even if it is for a split second. In theory nice to hear sentences but practically ?
Maybe the approach of the 'Hollywood crowd' is best ' 'Ex husbands' attend as 'best man' their 'Ex wife's' wedding, 'Ex husbands' and 'Ex wives' go on holiday (for benefit of the kids!) leaving slightly 'snuffed out' current flames behind, 'Ex boyfriends' and 'Ex girlfriends' land up in each other's apartments for a little bit of hanging around (what were you thinking?). Ofcourse, Hollywood has its share of 'showdowns' but on an average they are nice 'friendly' people at ease with their multitude of relationships.
Maybe, the 'Bollywood saga' approach is best where loads of tears, some bottles of booze, explanations and chocked assurances ensure a happy ending. The sad part is that the spurned or 'Ex' lover is either of villainous intent or the 'too good to be true all sacrificing' kinds. Hate them or love them true love reigns supreme and the couple get back to 'living happily ever after' with or without the 'ex' of questionable intent
Personally I wouldn't relish my boyfriend running off to an 'ex' for bouts of 'you are my friend' every now and then. Maybe, an introduction to the person in question and being made an integral part of the 'maintaining friendship sessions' I might relent and take things in my stride! But my mindset I am sure would be 'boo'ed' by many forward thinkers ' it might even be considered encroachment of the all important 'space'. Love & lust of yesterday converted into platonic friendship today with just 'we breakup' as a catalyst is a formula I am still trying to understand!
I invite comments from - people who are battling insecurities about their partners friendship with an 'ex', people who have come to terms with it, people who put their foot down and said 'no room for your ex in our present' and the inexperienced who hold an opinion in this matter.
By the way friends, turbulence in the relationship of two very much in love people, because of a 'friendly ex' prompted this post J Just a clarification for the curious!
the “ex” is nowadays very inevitable…n wat i think is.. the man is wid u me and not wid her….doesnt it mean that he loves u n not her..
thats wat i used to think..but still sumtimes i felt like …ufff!!!! dun even askk…
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I tend to agree with FG, every relationship is unique and threesomes are even more unique. In my opinion if you love someone you should be able to give them all the freedom they want, that is security (secure in yourself), why seek it in a relationship? You”re never going to find it outside.
well as far as i m concerned i wud definately avoid talks of ex with my current one and expect the same…history is history…and mixing past in present will only give more problems….its better to cherish the present relations thn to still be stuck up on the ex….btw i wud never believe tht v can be frnds with someone we hav loved in the past…those feelings never go..with time they only fade on the condition tht we r in no contacts with the ex….
Some couples may find it difficult to deal with the presence of the ”ex”, while others may even be able to gracefully put up with closeness and intimacy with him/her. I find that every couple is different, and indeed, every such threesome of ‘’strange bedfellows” is different. Warm Regards, Ghost
In my opinion its way too much trouble to invest hate in people, it means you need to continuously fuel that feeling for the person and so u keep the person very much in your life. Its not nice to burn bridges. Its easier on the self to allow the person to be a friend. I dont think even if the x and u are no longer friends, the jealousies that subsequent partners feel could never be diminshed. Insecurity is a mind thing. T
A good bye is a good bye… it certainly means it… not like seeyou… when the tub has lost the warmth why bathe in it… it is always better not to walk down the ex… lane…
Once a love realationship is over…its once and for all. The Exes cant be friends and they should rather avoid being ones…..
When A lover becomes an Ex, lot ogf things goes into it, lot of pain. There may be cases where lovers split with mutual understanding and both the lovers decided to move on in life without each other. So being friends make very lil sense. U might say they have such understanding to separate amicably so they can be nice to each other…i feel you become Exes only when you have thought enough….and if their understanding is so great they would understand its no pint being friends….:). then their are ppl who becomes EXes where one partner didnt want to be in the realtionship. This is a lil dangerous situation. The other person is still very much in love and feels betrayed so the question of frienship does not arise. There are lot of bitter feeling involved. Like the chines proverb which is basically on frienship…Frienship is like china cup, costly rich and rare, once broken it cant be mended and if mended the craks remain forever….I feel it applies more on love realationship…
I liked the picture - absolutely apt for your post! As for ”Ex”, it is just introduction, if she is very near; else show from a distance, and smile! Always better to focus on ”current” rather than on EXs! Whether man or woman, they are possessive of each other - arent they!
Ex : excess. There was some reason not very pleasant that made the ex an ex in the first place. All the troubles start when the current relationship is under some strain. That is when the blame game starts, comparisons abound, and suspicions fly. Let exes be just that, far away.
yukky spellings! like i was saying…exceptions are never examples…but trust me even exceptions can be trouble!
im not a generaous person as far as my own ex or his ex will go….if nothing, i am a selfish person at that…why add to his insecurities (yea yea…even with all dat faith and trust)…nopes…i aint letting water run over de bridge…agree…ex shud be ex…exceptions are never examples
The ex cane deadly. a ”door se salaam” is fine when it comes to exes
Musee da… somehow me noes agree to X-friends. I mean, lets face it.. all the touchie, muchie, kissie, muchie cannot disappear just cause the relation entwine has taken a new twist. IF the me is into a relation, my ex goes for a complete RIP. Friends to Love = fine, but Love to X = Friends… naa not my cup of Koffee
Ths culture base,I feel, matters.In India, we have been more tolerable in relationships, and more forgiving.Relationships were built with patience and nurtured by love..So, a break-up is,rather, was not very common..and it was usually done as the last resort as commitement is understood to be a part of the relationship…In which case,there’’s no looking back once a relationship is broken..fr the reasons are strong…I might be wrong according to many..but, if u are still tolerating ex-es around, was it the right decision to leave them at the first place?
Iagree with slipperways!!!
great friendship minus the passion! well said..thats ”Exes” for u:)
i agree with slipperyways n me..that is my opinion also…your life is yours..once it is yours…it should be yours (rather Ours only… )no ex or y or z…..past is past…..we cannot put the rice back into the husk once they are separated
i agree with you here…the “ex” should be kept at a distance. i mean he/she should not be allowed to interfare/influnce ur life. and their presence may not create havoc in your present life..well i think there should be proper talks between all ppl concerned and the ” should be told in clear terms where to draw the line…being a faithful,dedicated spouse you ( or anyone for that matter) have every right to take control of your present life and this will help shaping the future…..
I feel it depends on person to person. I can easily say that he/she has a friendly relationship with the ex. but in reality its hard to get used to it. Maybe it also depends on the time factor.