Eddie’s first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, “What animal is this?”
“A cat!” said Suzy.
“Good job! Now, what’s this animal?”
“A dog!” said Ricky.
“Good! Now what animal is this?” she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, “It’s what your mom calls your dad.”
“A horny bastard!” called out Eddie.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’’s in the bags?” “Sand,”answered Juan.The guard says, “We’ll just see about that get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”"Sand,” says Juan.The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up oneday and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.”Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy.It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?” Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
“Betty, I was wondering — have you ever cheated on me?”
“Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…”
“Yes, Betty, I really want to know.Please.”
“Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.”
“Three? When were they?”
“Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”
“Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?”

Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?”
“I can’t believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn’tbe more moved. When was number 3?”

“Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?”

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, “We don’t want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?” The mother told them, “Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours.” So the nuns leftt hinking, “What can I do that’s unholy?”
The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said to the first nun, “What unholy thing did you do?” and the nun said “I stole a kid’s bike.” The mother said,”I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn’t a nun anymore and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the mother said,”What unholy thing did you do?” The nun replied, “I slept with a married man!” The mother said, “Well, that’s sinning. Go drink holywater.”
The third nun walked in and the mother said,”What unholy thing did you do?” The third nun said proudly, “I pissed in the holy water!”

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he’s worry about getting seasick.
The doctor suggests, ”Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.”
The guy replies, ”Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?”
The doctor says, ”No, but it’ll look real pretty in the water.”

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed adn he replied,”Some things you just can’t explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin” him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just cant explain !