Today things are having dullness. An empty feeling with an unknown wait is there. I don’t know wait of what and of whom (if its for a person).But its there. The responses make me uneasy while I know I am not at all responsible for such things. Even I know these are not part of my compact and busy life. Life is a big journey and we meet so many innumerable people till its end. We give undue importance to some of them while others a few …..Even after being very important to us gets ignored by us. Sometimes we don’t even know that we are ignoring them and sometimes we know, understand but still we do it just due to lack of time or for some other reason.

The queries and the question marks revolve around me and I look at them with misery …..why why I can’t have an answer?  Small small questions which even if remained unanswered will not be able to affect my life. My life seems a mega event some times ….every where people who praise you for minute things. Sometimes it’s professional praises and sometimes its your looks or behavior. Anyone can be on cloud nine due to such sweet words but these do not affect me. Don’t know why…..the vacuum is there. Nothing touches there except a few glances of the nature. When during last trip saw the clouds being crushed by plan wings and seen them reuniting as nothing has happened….it touched me ……I wanted that freedom to spread as a particle in the sky and then fly back to the family. They could have changed my form but never ever damage me. Over that in every form I would have my senses ….a knowledge that what I can be by doing what. I could have seen my own form and changing them would have been a pleasure…..the pain of heat and the waves of cold….atleast I would have been knowing from what I am going through and why. In each form the short time would have given effective experiences.

Silly thoughts I know but they comes and goes. My mind works and tries to define the theories of heart. Heart makes me feel its existence. Sometimes I want more tough life to encounter all these thunder of thoughts. As I know these are useless, temporary and illogical. This makes me smile as we know what are all these, its nature and its effects but still we wander into all these emotions. We make our life upside down internally and no effects outside. We fall and wake up in these feelings and emotional traumas….we survive and remind ourselves each time no more of this. Still again it comes and overtakes you and leaves you astonished and uncontrolled. You behave as a different persona.    

It’s the saga of each heart…..once in his life he goes through all this and more sensitive people repeats this quite a few times.

31^st October, 2012

Life makes you learn your own lessons with passage of
time and that too without giving you a realization of the same.

Last six month met so many people. All gender and of all age
groups. Knew about there life and about them. They opened up with me…..like
never before. My mind goes back to each one of them, recalls theirs faces,
talks with them and the different things related to them. Traveling and meeting
new guys makes so much of difference. Your mind sometimes gets stuck….the way
computer does once they have more then what they can act on. Surprising is even
after these encounter good and bad, sensible & non sense, existing and
lost….I still feel. I still think of all………I know will forget them with the
pace of life and only few will come along on the walk of life as friends or
professionally known people. But somewhere I have got a deep impact….don’t know
the depth of the same and till what time it will effect me or how much it has
already effected me …..now I take words very lightly and they don’t effect me
the way they does six months back.

Seen people so liberal with words but just words no other
involvement. It surprised me. Some don’t say a word but just their actions
speak more then anything can do…..this make me curious to understand them
better.

The status, money and the profession of the person make a
difference but still your light pocket can not obstruct you from gaining
knowledge or thoughts. I met a driver who spoke so wonderfully and behaved
better then any educated man. Going through his vision of life ,his family and
dreams was a different experience. I felt once you have all the basic things
you don’t value them you want more and at any risk…..sometime at any cost….or
you don’t know whats the cost is.

In young guys seen two very opposite sides which just
obstructed me from making a biased one sided impression. Seen the way they gets
attracted for just physical beauty and the way their mind is clear for what
they want. The way a short relation being started and if its not as per their
plan its being ended. No if and buts no natural style of growing a relation.
Everything is tailor made otherwise not accepted. Like we go market to purchase
something needed with a set mind frame. 

Seen people being more experimental with shopping.They shop
without thinking but they never smile or talk without thinking. They never
spend on anyone without evaluating the transaction but can pay huge bill of
branded cloths which they may not wear/need.

I smile when I think of people who came close in a short
span and who touched me, made me learn to be open and more transparent. Who
given me a vision that life is a temporary status and we should share and laugh
with people. This smile frowns when I recall incidences which made me wrong by
being an open book for others and too friendly a women to be mistook. Mind and
heart gets confused and debates what’s the right way of being in the world…..
secretive for others or open to them without doubting their intentions, without
scared of   being judged.

Complex relations are increasing these days as people enjoy
the high they get out of it. The simple and straight things do not stimulate
them anymore. Every moment they want something new and this search makes us
rude too especially with soft hearts.

I hate this learning but yes I am loving this
growing…meeting people…..sharing their life and having my lessons even if I am
exposed to being judged misunderstood and hurted.

Sometimes writing your emotions are not needed as you have so many ventilations there and even if you don’t have, you don’t need to ventilate. Living in two worlds is precondition for being a woman but sometimes we live even in three or more world and all of this assembles to create one complicated world. In this world the center point is you. Sometimes you feel proud, sometimes disappointed, sometimes irritated due to all uninvited attention, sometimes your shoulder feel burdened up due to lots of responsibilities. But sometimes you are so lost in this huge world of yours you feels nothing, you are just running and doing cores, you feel you are alive you are in demand. You feel nothing will move if you are not there (which is obviously not the case but an illusion).

Something inside me is always sensible to people around and their needs, now being experienced I know when to ignore that and set the preference levels. But yes that realization and then ignoring activity makes tinkle inside. I know we all are social beings and no one is different but still we all are behaving so different. We have same physical needs and so different emotional survivals.

Understanding the physical needs is much easier then the emotional. Some are so sensitive inside that they are sensing even which is not being expressed and they even feel how it will affect their surroundings if they will express their basic need (physical/emotional). So they may not express at all after evaluating all this. While some are so indifferent to others feelings, like its not at all important or exist. The existence in this world is only of what they feel and need. They are the real survivors as they are fighters for their own needs and thus they are not weak. They don’t get easily sad for others they may cry aloud for small injury on their skin but may ignore the big wounds on someone’s soul.

I am not in a mode of criticizing any one, its just in last few days have met so many people. Even after being busy was observing them. Sometime was amazed of the reaction I got from an elderly person and sometime the kids pulled me to back to my childhood. I acts and the life goes on. The mischievous mind plays game and the heart keeps collecting the positive vibes.

Humm…..Vibes how much one can believe on this. An unseen, untouchable act which is being felt and not even felt sometimes. It leaves you wondering and with lots of questions in mind. That’s a tremendous suspicious area where I am not going to enter.

Life needs to be simple and easy going. Why to complicate it for a thing the existence of which carries’s question mark. The smile, the laughs, the jokes all around are so good. Why to create unnecessary mess and webs of questions. Whenever I see some fiction movie or read such novels/ books I get so much into it. One of my friend says books are only to read and not to live into them. But I have seen him living into an imagined world of him. Why and how come he does not realizes that. Some people are so practical but with someone they want to flow and live in the dream world. Is it for that some one who has done nothing for them and who is never going to give any benefits to them or it’s just a hidden wish to run away? To get an adrenaline rush without even realizing the same. Don’t know, no wish to get into questions that too in the morning hours.

Today when I went to Gym I saw a man wandering outside with a small baby in lap and then I could see the Mom of that small baby working out in the Gym. Felt good about all three of them.
Hubby was too caring to give this time to his wife and wife was quite aware lady.Not like the one who feels that after being mother extra kgs are no issue.
She was trying different machines.I see people in Gym trying to work out and I always feel like they are harming themselves.Like one man who comes in morning time.As soon as he enters he gets on stepper or trade mill and then he will do things in such a fast pace,then he will leave it and do weights. His speed of pulling weights is tremendous.So many times I felt to tell “Uncle please slow down,try to understand your body first”.
Today I thanked my hesitation which stopped me saying what all I feel for people.I always become too caring for strangers and do suggest or correct them if they are doing something wrong.Like I had done with a small boy.He was eating paper napkin and I just wave my head to not him to do so.He came to me and spite those pieces of paper napkin on me.Obviously his parents were too busy in talk to notice all this.I could not feel anger…..he was a small boy.
So I was talking about the lady.She was running with speed without warm up on the TM. I felt like I am crawling not even walking against her speed.Never mind. Just after a few minutes she left TM and called her hubby from outside.They got ready for leaving. I was waiting her to switch off the TM at least from the sub switch.But allas she did not notice.
She was just leaving and I could not stop myself.I requested “could you please switch off the TM”. She said “dont worry it will get off on its own,its automatic”. Oh Ya but you need to off it from mains?
No no my hubby will use it………..what to say they left.He came back and now did open both the machine switched off by me.

Irritating but better to see outside and enjoy your cycling………..

lagta hai ye vo mukam nahi
Ye vo jagah bhi nahi….
Ye vo jajbaat bhi nahi aur
Ye vo shaksh bhi nahi………….
Ki jaha dhaherne ko man kare
Ki jaha chune ko man kare
Thodi si dhup hi sahi
aag se to behtar hai
jal ker khak to na honge
kyoki abhi Ye vo mukam nahi…………

Once your own teeth bites your cheek you feels so helpless and annoyed and what if your own heart cheats on you? You just keep fighting the war inside with the calm quite world outside with the routines of life.But I always preferred settled in outside world even if I am distracted inside. After crossing your single life journey and entered into a family you just can’t afford to effect your loved once.

Life never stops,the new people come and goes.Life keep racing towards the unknown destinations while we all know a few milestones of it.We have our own expectations also to reach upto each particular destination but once you reach there you comes to know that oh its a milestone only still ways to go,distances to travel.

With a busy life in which bundles of work for a working female.She carries her job,family,kids and topping on it is social life.The friends their expectations the relative their obligations and instructions.Oops sometimes she feels she is in a constant task ticking job.While giving time just to family ….friends calls and complains.I feel why you got to be in more demand once you are working? If you give time to ur friends you miss your family even after being with them.Heart says hey! what do you want?you never crib and you never regret too.You takes the life on your own terms with your loved once happiness then where r you?

The giggles are mine which I generally don’t leave behind.”Saying No” to anybody is so difficult.I value each smile and try to keep low spirits high with my thoughts.The kind of support I get from family is awesome.So I feel more for them, responsible for their happiness and growth.The heart sinks once it sees them deprived of what they actually deserved.But that’s the ups and down of family.Every mothers heart cries once she sees her kid in pain….that time the woman the individual persona in her vanishes she just left with a motherly feeling.Her heart gets more pain then the kid suffers from.I always loved the true emotions of human being like parents love for kids and vice verse.The true colors of love between a male and female is so difficult to measure but I do believe it exist and people live it with all the facts of life…..facts of life are the true test of love.Any love with out encountering such truth/circumstances of life is not strong in actual sense.That’s in air and it can be flown by air in any direction,away and away.

Once you have plenty of things happening around you and you just trying to be multifunctional………..u miss yourself.Sometime in driving sometime in cab you speak to yourself and you comes to know that you were not just running to pace with the speed of life but your innerself was observing even the minute things and each person you came across.

Good to feel that you are not lost and still an observer…even when no time for yourself.A new place full of young people.They gives you respect for what you have achieved in life and they admire you for what you are.They may not talk to you even may not dare to look at you but you will feel the warm aura and stare under the eyelids.Its the best thing about human nature.Then comes the middle age man who never looks at themselves but take good care of their ego.Some remains maintained by physic some gather most of possible fat.Some eats food and thinks nothing some eats women through eyes and thinks all impossible things. Some tries to impress just by showing their hair jhatkas(generally the young guys) some tries the same by showing the power of their position in the organisation.They will point out somebody for small things in front of you and then will look at you with the eyes saying nothing but just “see what I can do”.

You forced to smile and ignore.

Worries with the long sittings crops in your mind and ways to handle the guys too.You need to prove the things.Every work is not just a work for first year its an exam you need to clear….not by marks but by avoiding the marks.

Drop by drop  the thirst of missing your work gets satiate and you relish the feeling of being back.The small people are not small by their heart may be by the figure of salary they take to home.Every small thing about you makes them bother and care.I learnt with life to always give them whatever you can as they lives in long list of needs to fulfill but small needs of their own.Mainly they need respect and small talks about their family only.They can respect you as you are a woman or because you are on a good position or because you treat them well but most of the middle aged man with a bit more money will care for nothing not even for being colleague.

The life goes with day to day sweet and bitter experiences.Most interesting  part is the all age woman at work.Some are so sweet they will tell you their full life story on the very first day.Some takes their time to open to smile at you.The woman with more responsibilities in life will take more time to open but some time they will talk to you in length just to make you comfortable but keep their layers close.I like the innocence they carry in heart and the way they think smart about themselves.Sometime you feel a ocean of respect for their sacrifices and sometimes you feel badly to make them live their own life on their own terms.That’s the issue with woman in small or middle size cities. In young working and bachelor girls and  guys one big difference one can see……. on an average….the guy will left with nil balance on month end and the girls will hardly expended anything on themselves.These girls are free to work but not free to expend their own money not as their parents wants their money but because their parent don’t want them to go on holidays,movies or discos with their friends; as they wants to be protective for their daughters.So these girls earn but live a quite life without any entertainment……but yes with family and relatives sometimes.

खुद से ही भागती फिरती रही

काश वो स्वप्न ही होते…….

लगता था उनकी नज़रो से नज़रे मिली हो जैसे 

चाँद  जब  छत से  नज़र आता था

ढूढ़ते थे चाँद को जब उन्हें देखने का मन करता था 

और वो अक्सर तड़पाता था, गायब हो जाता था

वो काले सफ़ेद बदलो मे छुपता और निकलता था

बेबसी मे दिन गुजरते थे रात का इंतजार होता था

उनसे तो दूरी है चाँद मे आस नज़र आती थी

पर वह भी बेपरवाह था उनकी तरह

अपनी ही धून गाता था,खुदी मे रहता था 

जब दिल ने हताश हो, दूरियों से हार कर

फासले रखने की सोची,  चाँद से भी वास्ता न रहा 

पर ,अब चाँद नज़र आता है जब मै काले बदलो  को ढूढती हू 

सुबह सूरज को देखना चाहा तो  चाँद पीछे था  

ज्यो कहता हो मै अब भी हूँ दिल में तेरे

और कितना भरम कितना झूठ  कहोगी खुद से

मै साया हू कभी डूबता नहीं 

तेज़ रौशनी से कब तक छुपाओगी मुझे 

घूमता  हू तेरे अंदर बाहर, चाहे दिखू ना दिखू  

सांस हूँ  कोई  खुशबू नहीं कि कभी हूँ कभी नहीं 

ये तो गुनाह ही हुआ जो उन्हें चाँद से जोड़ दिया

वो तो गए हमे यादो के संग छोड़ दिया 

ये जो तन्हाई है वो चाँद कि रोशनी में

कई बार नहाई है मेरे अश्को संग 

नज़र चुराते है जो आँख भर आई है 

चाँद मे अब उनकी गहराई जो नहीं 

पर चाँद उन्हें भी तडपाना कभी मेरी तरह

जुदाई कि चुभन उन्हें भी मिले कभी मेरी तरह