Archive for May, 2011
I remember my blank mind when I took dip in the freezing water.
That sense of cold in each and every cell of body and then not able to feel my
own body was wonderful……and then slowly slowly body had a heat within; like the
water vaporizes over the hot pan. It was so amazing and different. I saw a bird
trying to have water from the top of the waterfall. That small bird was not
afraid of the flow of water stream as it knows how to fly or the thrust overtook
the fear of drowning & being hurt. I feel it happens with us too. We feel
something within ourselves so passionately n deeply. We just want to explore
it. A heat or fire burns within you and you feel so helpless. Don’t understand
what’s in there. The curiosity pulls u and the senses stops u. The risk taking
in life is like this only. The new investor take the risk ignores the inherent fears.
Some time succeeds and sometime dissolves.
When I visited the Buddha temple and seen the big eyes of
him…. I wanted to merge into that aura of him. In my life two people attracted
me most who also made me respect their thoughts without any logic concern. It’s
Buddha and Vivekananda. In rest other big people I may agree with a part of
their philosophy and can disagree the other.
When I talk on so heavy issues I just feel I am too small a
creature with tiny wishes and routine aims. I don’t mind it too. I love my life
and the close ones. My sincere nature always gained me the love of all who came across. But now I feel
I am being loved for being mischievous too. Surprising isn’t it. The depths and
the heights of my soul make me rich. Yet to solve the hidden wishes of heart……………
very far from soul issues. I just feel blessed to encounter so much of emotions
in one life…………I feel still lots of it in store for me. Again I feel the mind
is blank and I am inside the water …………….. Can see all small stones inside the
transparent water.These stones are so still that they can never hurt but once got motion they can make u bleed. Let me be there for
few more seconds….between the risks and the dreams…. let me be with my shy soul.
Yesterday night I sit again against the computer to try my
long lost password for naukri.com. I have simply forgotten the PW without any
clue and even the computer is not showing my saved old PW. For last one month I
am finding myself so helpless about this as the website people are also not
helping and the “recover your PW” option is also not working. Don’t know why…..
I had created a new profile too but I don’t know where I was
when I put a profile with wrong mail ID.
Damn it …..I realized it only after doing all the additions to the profile. It’s
so boring to do and such a hardwork(:
So yesterday night …I thought again the struggle starts…I
opened my newly made profile.Tried to delete it but had to delete the
information uploaded one by one as no option is there to delete the profile.
thought to login by old user ID for last time……I prayed ……I entered user ID
and to surprise saw there was already a PW….I clicked enter and hey……..I had my
old profile in front of me. Such a big gain and such a big relief. I started
shouting with joy. P thought she is gone mad but when I told him he was happy
too…….ha ha ha my heart was jumping and me too.Then I recalled where I had written
my jobs websites PW.I opened that diary and got it there too.”OMG what a fool I
am”……..I could not say this aloud as P would have immediately agreed to this conclusion.
So here the new journey starts……with PW…….a new search and a
It’s so nice to get back something you lost and lost the
hope of getting it back too. So be happy and demand the God with rights as u r
his child. He has to fulfill it but efforts will be yours.
Just got the bad news about the lady I saw yesterday in ICU …..she is no
more. She is gone leaving behind a 3 days old small kid and a strong man crying
like a kid. My heart is so drown don’t know how to console it. I am not part of
them to give them my condolence and what’s the use ….nothing I feel. They lost
what they had.
Life is so uncertain she had started improving and in the
same night she left. She got the Moksh but has she ?really! Without her child.
Or it’s all senseless. Then why we feel for our kids. Don’t know how much time
her hubby will take to recover or might not be able to do so too.
I had read
one more book of the writer of Malgudi days I think “the English teacher”……in
which the man converses with his wife after her premature death. The bonding of
them kept both of them restless in their worlds. I don’t know whether its
possible or not but I know the urges to get back the companion one can have.
God please give the strength to her family and never leave a
child without his mother.
Today after the scolding from my friend I was at peace.
But now it has just one wish……..Kash mai unke liye kuch ker pati jisese unka
dard thoda kum ho pata……
I hate waking up early especially once I know I can afford
to sleep a bit more. But the breeze and my senses didn’t allow me to sleep.
Opened the doors and allowed the cold moist rainy breeze to come into the house.
Took T and went to terrace with my best pal. The breeze got the rain drops to
us and the drizzling started. The nature’s closeness made it romantic and more
closeness came. I love it. The discussions, the talk and the increasing bond
with a man of
My heart sings and trying to close to him by throwing all the thoughts of this
world and its corners away. Why we desire so much……………such small
moments are so precious in my life.
I remain in a continuous monologue these days. The creativity and imagination
of my mind are amazing. I always knew it but I told it to be quit and let me be
in the world but again it has wings. It fly with the morning singing Koyal and
cooo’s her back….my always favorite game………on which my buddy laughs and
If someone is honest with u u feel close to them and
to solve, some seems to and then becomes vapors…………..u can never catch
them…………..I hate them. They don’t have right to show up like ice…..u
can feel the existence but then evaporates…..u can just feel the vapors
vanishing in air.I am feeling now I am getting normal…again hungry for food and existing where actually I am.Let me be like this…….my world is here as imaginations has pains and no cooo’s back.
Today I went to CH for a small check up of my daughter and then hubby
told me that one of his sergeant’s wife is being very serious during the child
birth. I immediately wanted to see her. She is in ICU and completely embedded
in wires and pipes. Then I met her husband. He seemed to be a handsome strong
man but as my hubby (who shares very good repo with his juniors) took his hand and asked about his wife health. He
melted down and I could see few drops of tears on the core of eyes. He was
trying to stop them and fighting within himself to speak out somehow. I could
see that how much he is tensed and worried about his life companion. The fear
of losing her forever. I could not stop my tears too while I met him for first
time in life but the emotions we share is same. We all are human first.
Today listen to the song “Tum Jo aae Jindgi mai”. I am
trying to run away from all such things which belong to someone. I listened
this song properly and imbibed in me. The earlier one “Rang de” was making me
weak everytime I called so I wanted it to get changed. I feel I have become
more emotional these days more closely to my original nature (I was trying to
change it to adjust in the world).
Yesterday once I left office all of sudden the weather
changed drastically and the sky was full of dust storm……….. It painted the sky
with dust for an hour and then I could see the cloud’s trying to overtake the
power of winds to convert them into cool breeze. In night it started
raining….heavy rain. We were standing in the balcony and I felt the small
broken drops touching my naked toes. This made me calm and quite to feel the
cold touch and thus the day end which began with a wait which is never going to
end. I will learn the art of keeping the winds in me to mum. So much to learn
but why can’t just explode and say whatever I feel .The anger the restlessness
and the questions. Why these things are choking me and till when?I need answers
but nobody is ready to reply………….silence and this wait is killing.I am watching
the dates while I don’t know the final date………..
Sometimes you feel that you are just overwhelmed to say
anything and express anything. You are full of so much of emotions that you are
just lacking the way to express it. You may try to express but every effort
goes a waste as it’s too less and you have too much to pour on. You are so
filled you are just choking and needs to be free of all this so to be free to
breathe normally. You see your surroundings nothing has changed all the same
people with same gestures and routine of life. Then where the damn I am? Why
this feeling……it’s the happiness to be so satiate in life or it’s to be feeling
so blessed. The strengths in me don’t allow me to pour out the drops ready in
corners of eyes but I have to learn to live in this and to welcome this
complication in life.
In such times you can feel that your body has so many ways
to observe the different vibes which are dissolved in this atmosphere. Then you
realize how good it is to be a bit away from the sensitivities. The more the
ability to understand and the more the ability to sense the more will be the questions
and the search for answers. The thrust which is never ending pulls you towards
it and the capability to overcome that reduces day by day.
Today read a few pages of my new purchased book “the diary
of young girl Anne Frenk”. It’s really heart touching.
Jitna mera man udta hai,khilta hai ,sochta hai aur fir sahmta hai utna
to shayad mai samajh bhi nahi paati Kyoki meri jindagi mai pyar ka tufan
hai aur mai use puri tarah pana chahti hu.Kisi ko nahi dekhti Nayak ki
tarah kyoki koi sampurna nahi hota.Mai bhi नहीं hu………..मै बस एक मन
की उड़न हू ,एक ख्याल हू नाजुक सा . जानती हू खयालो की दुनिया जैसी
दुनिया बाहर नहीं पर मेरे भीतर तो है ,मुझमे तो है.
Upaar wale ki deya है, reham hai jo usme itna pyar hai.Uski aakho ki
bhasa ab samajhti hu.Mai pyar mai hu fir man ki gahrai se kahati
hu…………pyar hai us subah ke chahkte panchi se, use dundhli kirano
se jo mere aalse ko bhaga mujh udhati hai.Us subaha ki peheli chuan se
jo mujhe bister per dundhti hai aur mujhe paas pa kabhi mashoomiyat se
muskurati hai to kabhi badmashi se mujhe paati hai.
Khyal chalte hai man mai kyoki unhe rok nahi paati.Janti bhi nahi roku
ki nahi………..kya sach much kahi hai koi jo hawa sa chhuta
hai.Kehata hai bahut kuch per abhi gahrai se achuta hai. जिसकी कल्पना मे
मै हु पर शायद नहीं भी.जिंदगी की पहेली को सुलझाना नहीं चाहती, किसी कशिश
को कोई नाम देना नहीं चाहता ये मन.बस दिल मे उन अहसासों को समाये और अपने
अपनों को प्यार से सराबोर कर दू यही चाहती हु.जानती हु दुसरो की नज़र से
खुद को मै नहीं देख पाती.खुद जो महसूस होता है उसी मै डूबना उतरना चाहती
हु.लगता है जीवन मे जिसे मेरे साथ जुड़ना है वो जुडेगे,मेरे संग जिसे जहा
तक चलना है वो चलेंगे.सब अपनी राहे तय करेंगे मेरी तरह. कही पहुचने के
लिया कुछ साथ चलेंगे, कई खो जाने के लिए. कुछ पल पल बदलेंगे और कुछ हमेश ना
बदले ऐसा लगता है.
कभी खुद को किसी के करीब यु पाती हू होश ग़ुम हो जाते है खुद को अपने आप को
भुला देती हु………………खुद दूर से देखती हु खुदी को प्यार पाते
और फिर शर्मा कर खुद मे सिमटती हु.वो समझ भी नहीं पाते, क्योकि वो तो सिर्फ
अहसाह है…..एक नाम है…एक आवाज है…एक ख़त मे लिखी बात है.
बातो मे यु उलझा के मै उसे सुनती हु कानो से और पास आ जाती हु ……….वो
नाराज है की मै कितना बोलती हु पर जब चुप होती हु तो बार बार ढूंढ़ते
है……..कहा हु क्या सोचती हू.जानती हू बहुत कुछ मिला रही हू …..लोगो
को भावनाओ को…..जज्बातों को….पर वक्त लगता है कही पहुचने मे…..और अगर
मै कही पहुचना ही ना चाहू तो………….मुझे यही रहने दो, छुएन को महसूस
तो करने दो.मै क्या कही कुछ रोक के खड़ी हू; नहीं तो………….फिर वही
मुझे तिरने दो…………. जानती हू समयबद्ध हैं सब. मेरी भी यही हालत
है, पर यही तो जिंदगी है…………..मै खुश हू..इन बीतते पलों मे….जीवन
के नन्हे अहसासों मे………….. कभी कभी ये छोटी छोटी बाते, अधूरी
चीजे एक अलग ही बेबसी देती है……पर शायद वो ऐसी ही अच्छी लगती है जैसे
एक अधूरी पेंटिंग हर देखने वाले को आपनी भावना से उसे देखने का हक़ देती