archie2009’s blog

Today things are having dullness. An empty feeling with an unknown wait is there. I don’t know wait of what and of whom (if its for a person).But its there. The responses make me uneasy while I know I am not at all responsible for such things. Even I know these are not part of my compact and busy life. Life is a big journey and we meet so many innumerable people till its end. We give undue importance to some of them while others a few …..Even after being very important to us gets ignored by us. Sometimes we don’t even know that we are ignoring them and sometimes we know, understand but still we do it just due to lack of time or for some other reason.

The queries and the question marks revolve around me and I look at them with misery …..why why I can’t have an answer?  Small small questions which even if remained unanswered will not be able to affect my life. My life seems a mega event some times ….every where people who praise you for minute things. Sometimes it’s professional praises and sometimes its your looks or behavior. Anyone can be on cloud nine due to such sweet words but these do not affect me. Don’t know why…..the vacuum is there. Nothing touches there except a few glances of the nature. When during last trip saw the clouds being crushed by plan wings and seen them reuniting as nothing has happened….it touched me ……I wanted that freedom to spread as a particle in the sky and then fly back to the family. They could have changed my form but never ever damage me. Over that in every form I would have my senses ….a knowledge that what I can be by doing what. I could have seen my own form and changing them would have been a pleasure…..the pain of heat and the waves of cold….atleast I would have been knowing from what I am going through and why. In each form the short time would have given effective experiences.

Silly thoughts I know but they comes and goes. My mind works and tries to define the theories of heart. Heart makes me feel its existence. Sometimes I want more tough life to encounter all these thunder of thoughts. As I know these are useless, temporary and illogical. This makes me smile as we know what are all these, its nature and its effects but still we wander into all these emotions. We make our life upside down internally and no effects outside. We fall and wake up in these feelings and emotional traumas….we survive and remind ourselves each time no more of this. Still again it comes and overtakes you and leaves you astonished and uncontrolled. You behave as a different persona.    

It’s the saga of each heart…..once in his life he goes through all this and more sensitive people repeats this quite a few times.

My day started the way it had ended. I was quiet but mind was having the waves and storms of thoughts.Its rare with me but anyone can have such phases. In morning the weather was so good I decided to leave the bed and to get ready for the walk.Today even the nature was quiet. The birds were not in a good mood of chirping. The trees were not having waves and the vehicles were not on road to make the noise. I hated this as with my quietness everything was sounding so haunting. The walk track was the same but looking so long. I just wanted to reach the Park asap. With the increase in speed of walk and reverse walk things become a bit fine. Today I could see so many things which I had not when I was not with me. Being lost somewhere at some other place and trying to see people of some other world on the same land……what have I done to myself. I felt so guilty within me for not seeing that tree which is so big and so green full of life.Giving shade to so many birds.Park was the same but the old couple was yet to come.Yes I use to see this couple.The Sardar man with white beard and the old lady supporting her life partner to walk.I loved to see them and there silent love for each other.I think once u grow old your other needs summarizes and your basic needs increases.In those years you recognizes the person who actually loves you.Ha ha ha I am not ready to wait that many years to understand that.I feel man and woman has different levels in this and man takes more time to realise it.
So come back to park. Today went to the sport complex and the ground. I just wanted to change my surrounding to come out of my continuously thinking machine on my shoulders. Sometimes I just don’t want to be holding such heavy head. Walking on the grass of ground was good.Some kids were playing with ball and a group of boys was playing basket ball. Good observation; their game became slow once they saw me. Men are men. But it lighted my mood and given me inspiration to be honest with my morning exercise schedule. The heads were rolling, some were stopped to stare and some soon become conscious to continue their game. Woman in me smiled and felt good .I could never understand this chemistry the different gender shares. But its a good God made thing. So now the walk was nice.Mood was light don’t know till when.But I have to work on it.
Mind has reminders for so many works to do list.I need to collect myself to my world and tight up my self to act now.Coming back track was full of vehicles now. Life is normal outside……but inside world is so awesome sometimes. I want to preserve it…..the feeling the excitements and the trust we do…can anyone do that…..yet to find out but its within me not outside so I think someday I will get answer from my inner self only.

Sometimes I just avoid to write.I try to run away from the emotional flows within me.I wait to pass that time and keep away myself from the computer, Pen n paper.Its like a fight one must win but these days so many ways available u can just end up using ur Phone or so.
“Time is the remedy” I believe this and I want to apply this on me.My emotional forces through me so close to someone while its not possible for others to understand that at the same time.The imaginary world is so good if it remains in the imaginations, your dreams only.Today I woke up with a dream and tried to find out where I was.The feelings were there of the dream but not exactly knowing what had happened.
Life is going to change soon.Everything around me and everyone with me will change.A new world to face again and to prove myself again.This is the life I lead and started liking it as no other choice I have.Or I have the choice but I know where my happiness lies…. well said “If u gain something u must be loosing something to gain it and vice-verse”.
Just these things gives a restlessness a fear how will face the current world with a negativity and how would search a new one for me……………if everything destined then I think I am destined to meet the world and new people.Its just I can’t control the attachment levels.Learning being independent emotionally while I have seen so many people depending on me emotionally.Sometime I felt good about it sometimes I just got irritated of their problems but could never say no……….sometime I just laughed on their ignorance and my presence there.
I remember the Kashmiri man used to come to my house to work.His story about their small world,blood and tears.That time I felt its so good to be free.They are free but they are arrested by their own uneducated,cruel people.These things gives me solace and makes me feel I am in heaven.So many characters to write about and to tell the world the kind of life they live.But then I feel let them at peace they have their own suffering then why to make others feel n go through the same while reading about them.
See from where I started and where I am………….its my journey.A small heart used to weep for others once seen them suffer but soon it learned no use of this and let be a bit ignorant.Let them fight their battle you have your own to handle.In the small pond if somebody has thrown the stone and enjoying the waves from distance.
But till what time a small stone can effect the pond soon it will settle and calm and all the feared creatures will comeback home.So don’t laugh from distance just read the silence and the life in it.It has its own beauty and peace within.

Kabhi kabhi itna muskil
hota hai kisi ko samajhna aur usese bhi jyada muskil hota hai khud ko
samjhana.

I feel why the world is not that simple as I want and I feel why I
could not be a man who just say whatever they think and some time they say even
without thinking too. I feels scared of the things and people as they changes
their minds as the colors changes in the cloudy sky. They remains so smart in
talking but do they actually feel the way they say. I try to read words ….I
try to read between the line but no use as every time the meaning comes
different. I cry and shout on me why the hell I believe as they say. But then
also feel as I believe thus they become the way I believe on them. Life is full
of colors but having both shades dark and bright and light. Sometimes I feel
myself blessed for having so much of love in life sometime I feel myself
choking as not able to express it. The misunderstanding the if and but’s the
interpretations and the judgmental attitude of people stops me from expressing further.
I feel its better to be at within.

My curiosity makes me do
so many things which give a different opinion scope. But then why about me only.
I too can think many things about the whole world but why I remain so engrossed
within my inner self that I don’t bother anyone till the time we are actually
crossing somewhere.

Today after reading so
much I became firstly overwhelmed and then again the thoughts came and I wanted
to pour them on my space. But sometimes being busy is a blessing too. Its given
me time to think rethink and rethink b/w the work. Why I need to think so
much……………..I need to be light as I am. Why mind is so heavy? am I carrying
 any other weight too. Nonsense isn’t it? why should I.Or I think…. just right
now I am feeling that way.

God why people always
try to read other person, why don’t they just enjoy the gifted company. Why
they put mind on things which are not existing. Why they thinks sooooo much
before every action.

I wanted to convey so much today and wanted to say so much but its better to be quite. Ha ha ha sometimes I really wonder I talk so much and convey zero from what I actually wanted to.But good way to handle the world and save your inner self.As it pains if things seen differently by the other pair of eyes.

Sometimes she just enjoy the silence.she has spoken so much and now she want to rest.The morning walk was dreamy with breeze touching her soul.She decided will not talk; will be with herself for some time.The voice of wind touching the leaves of the trees and giggling loudly but rhythmically is beautifully breaking  the silence.They played with her hairs too and then laughed.She got the sensation if someone touching her hair and the breeze enjoyed her lost status.
Its so wonderful to be with your own company and keeping all encroachment away from you.You protect ur soul from breaking out of emotional journeys it do every day n night.The doubts, the insecurities and the restlessness it suffers.She mix’s soul and her mind sometimes but at least it shows the existence of every part of her.She did the meditation while walking long track.Seen the morning world and absorbed the drizzling drops on her body. Away from all the things of this life…the loved ones,the friends,the family and the relative she feels her existence……………her own self.When she was a teenager her senses were so novel she just explored the world from her house window and the school activities.she written and today she is really wanting to read her old written diaries.Those diaries were never have the details of each day but they have the details of all the emotions.She read her old blogs and laughed on herself.She is moving towards her own as now she can laugh on her own excitements,innocence and the sufferings.Her mind is free from the continuous torturous emotions.She is ready for the new silent day. 

I remember my blank mind when I took dip in the freezing water.
That sense of cold in each and every cell of body and then not able to feel my
own body was wonderful……and then slowly slowly body had a heat within; like the
water vaporizes over the hot pan. It was so amazing and different. I saw a bird
trying to have water from the top of the waterfall. That small bird was not
afraid of the flow of water stream as it knows how to fly or the thrust overtook
the fear of drowning & being hurt. I feel it happens with us too. We feel
something within ourselves so passionately n deeply. We just want to explore
it. A heat or fire burns within you and you feel so helpless. Don’t understand
what’s in there. The curiosity pulls u and the senses stops u. The risk taking
in life is like this only. The new investor take the risk ignores the inherent fears.
Some time succeeds and sometime dissolves.

When I visited the Buddha temple and seen the big eyes of
him…. I wanted to merge into that aura of him. In my life two people attracted
me most who also made me respect their thoughts without any logic concern. It’s
Buddha and Vivekananda. In rest other big people I may agree with a part of
their philosophy and can disagree the other.

When I talk on so heavy issues I just feel I am too small a
creature with tiny wishes and routine aims. I don’t mind it too. I love my life
and the close ones. My  sincere nature always gained me the love of all who came across. But now I feel
I am being loved for being mischievous too. Surprising isn’t it. The depths and
the heights of my soul make me rich. Yet to solve the hidden wishes of heart……………
very far from soul issues. I just feel blessed to encounter so much of emotions
in one life…………I feel still lots of it in store for me. Again I feel the mind
is blank and I am inside the water …………….. Can see all small stones inside the
transparent water.These stones are so still that they can never hurt but once got motion they can make u bleed. Let me be there for 
few more seconds….between the risks and the dreams…. let me be with my shy soul.

Yesterday night I sit again against the computer to try my
long lost password for naukri.com. I have simply forgotten the PW without any
clue and even the computer is not showing my saved old PW. For last one month I
am finding myself so helpless about this as the website people are also not
helping and the “recover your PW” option is also not working. Don’t know why…..

I had created a new profile too but I don’t know where I was
when  I put a profile with wrong mail ID.
Damn it …..I realized it only after doing all the additions to the profile. It’s
so boring to do and such a hardwork(:

So yesterday night …I thought again the struggle starts…I
opened my newly made profile.Tried to delete it but had to delete the
information uploaded one by one as no option is there to delete the profile.

Then I
thought to login by old user ID for last time……I prayed ……I entered user ID
and to surprise saw there was already a PW….I clicked enter and hey……..I had my
old profile in front of me. Such a big gain and such a big relief. I started
shouting with joy. P thought she is gone mad but when I told him he was happy
too…….ha ha ha my heart was jumping and me too.Then I recalled where I had written
my jobs websites PW.I opened that diary and got it there too.”OMG what a fool I
am”……..I could not say this aloud as P would have immediately agreed to this conclusion.

So here the new journey starts……with PW…….a new search and a
new world.

It’s so nice to get back something you lost and lost the
hope of getting it back too. So be happy and demand the God with rights as u r
his child. He has to fulfill it but efforts will be yours.

Just got the bad news about the lady I saw yesterday in ICU …..she is no
more. She is gone leaving behind a 3 days old small kid and a strong man crying
like a kid. My heart is so drown don’t know how to console it. I am not part of
them to give them my condolence and what’s the use ….nothing I feel. They lost
what they had.

Life is so uncertain she had started improving and in the
same night she left. She got the Moksh but has she ?really! Without her child.
Or it’s all senseless. Then why we feel for our kids. Don’t know how much time
her hubby will take to recover or might not be able to do so too.

I had read
one more book of the writer of Malgudi days I think “the English teacher”……in
which the man converses with his wife after her premature death. The bonding of
them kept both of them restless in their worlds. I don’t know whether its
possible or not but I know the urges to get back the companion one can have.

God please give the strength to her family and never leave a
child without his mother.

Today after the scolding from my friend I was at peace.

But now it has just one wish……..Kash mai unke liye kuch ker pati jisese unka
dard thoda kum ho pata……

I hate waking up early especially once I know I can afford
to sleep a bit more. But the breeze and my senses didn’t allow me to sleep.
Opened the doors and allowed the cold moist rainy breeze to come into the house.
Took T and went to terrace with my best pal. The breeze got the rain drops to
us and the drizzling started. The nature’s closeness made it romantic and more
closeness came. I love it. The discussions, the talk and the increasing bond
with a man of ur
life.
My heart sings and trying to close to him by throwing all the thoughts of this
world and its corners away. Why we desire so much……………such small
moments are so precious in my life.
I remain in a continuous monologue these days. The creativity and imagination
of my mind are amazing. I always knew it but I told it to be quit and let me be
in the world but again it has wings. It fly with the morning singing Koyal and
cooo’s her back….my always favorite game………on which my buddy laughs and
likes.
If someone is honest with u u feel close to them and ur heart tells u all. Some people are mystery
to solve, some seems to and then becomes vapors…………..u can never catch
them…………..I hate them. They don’t have right to show up like ice…..u
can feel the existence but then evaporates…..u can just feel the vapors
vanishing in air.I am feeling now I am getting normal…again hungry for food and existing where actually I am.Let me be like this…….my world is here as imaginations has pains and no cooo’s back.

Today I went to CH for  a small check up of my daughter and then hubby
told me that one of his sergeant’s wife is being very serious during the child
birth. I immediately wanted to see her. She is in ICU and completely embedded
in wires and pipes. Then I met her husband. He seemed to be a handsome strong
man but as my hubby (who shares very good repo with his juniors) took  his hand and asked about his wife health. He
melted down and I could see few drops of tears on the core of eyes. He was
trying to stop them and fighting within himself to speak out somehow. I could
see that how much he is tensed and worried about his life companion. The fear
of losing her forever. I could not stop my tears too while I met him for first
time in life but the emotions we share is same. We all are human first.

Date-26^th May11

Today listen to the song “Tum Jo aae Jindgi mai”. I am
trying to run away from all such things which belong to someone. I listened
this song properly and imbibed in me. The earlier one “Rang de” was making me
weak everytime I called so I wanted it to get changed. I feel I have become
more emotional these days more closely to my original nature (I was trying to
change it to adjust in the world).

Yesterday once I left office all of sudden the weather
changed drastically and the sky was full of dust storm……….. It painted the sky
with dust for an hour and then I could see the cloud’s trying to overtake the
power of winds to convert them into cool breeze. In night it started
raining….heavy rain. We were standing in the balcony and I felt the small
broken drops touching my naked toes. This made me calm and quite to feel the
cold touch and thus the day end which began with a wait which is never going to
end. I will learn the art of keeping the winds in me to mum. So much to learn
but why can’t just explode and say whatever I feel .The anger the restlessness
and the questions. Why these things are choking me and till when?I need answers
but nobody is ready to reply………….silence and this wait is killing.I am watching
the dates while I don’t know the final date………..