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Archive for April, 2009

Not qualified enough to write

April 29th, 2009


Life is not fair. Just when you think you have got what you asked for, it throws open a new challenge in front of you. The management of my organisation is an expert in throwing challenges especially when it comes to employee satisfaction.

My organisation had its annual once-in-year performance based salary appraisal and I was considered for the annual once-in-year performance based appraisal. On the big day I was informed by the benevolent management that they have considered my performance and decided that they can’t promote me. I prayed God to save me from ‘How recession is affecting us?’ lecture and God did not disappoint me.

The management told me that they have considered my performance and have reached the  conclusion that I am not a good writer. They informed me that how I got recruited in a  publishing company as a junior author is mystery to them and they are plugging loopholes so that only people with a professional degree can get to write in their organisation.

They made clear that only a CA has enough brains to be an author and an MBA must be happy to format whatever a CA has written.

The appraisal ended with the management providing me guidance on writing. They told me that to improve my writing skills, I must get a professional degree. It will also help them accept that I can write. I considered their advice and thanked God. At least my job is unaffected by recession.

To sum up

Learn as if you are going to live forever
Live as if you are going to die tomorrow
Work as if you are going to quit tomorrow


Rediffiland on Orkut

April 27th, 2009



A close look at rediffiland shows that it has got what it takes to be an Orkut. It has few features of Orkut such as friends and scrap (guestbook) and some features are underdevelopment such as sending mass messages to people to get rich by working only two hours a day (Sorry guys, if you have not received a comment from online jobs then you are not popular enough to receive spam).

What it lacks is an elaborate profile feature. I request team rediffiland to drop any plans of adding it otherwise I will be corned to a community named ‘basically introvert, idiot and other lucnatics’

A few days back I logged into Orkut and found that someone has left me a scrap. Thinking it was from someone who wanted to make me rich, I went to my scrapbook with the sole aim of deleting it. I found that it was from a friend who had apologised for giving a late reply to my scrap. I checked the date, found that it was too late to accept his apology and decided not to scrap him back.
Now came the interesting part. I don’t have anyone with whom I exchange scraps. In fact, most of my friends are my long lost MBA friends, who have lost touch with me and thank god for that. So what could I do next? I asked myself and the reply came – Logout.
So I proceeded to logout and got an idea. Nothing is happening in my life. Nothing is happening on my orkut profile. Is the same with everyone else? So I decided to check my friends profiles. Their profile didn’t had scraps but a message for me saying that there were no scraps from me. So nothing was happening there too -  Birds of same feather flock together.
I decided to join a few communities. I randomly decided to put things of my interest and orkut started showing me communities with no activity for the last few months. This made me realise the importance the birds of same flock together and then a brilliant idea struck me.
The only thing happening in life is my work and rediffiland. I get enough work during day and sometime even during night. Hence, I decided to join all the communities related with rediffiland. I put rediffiland in the search and it returned with one community. Not bad. Moreover, it said that if I will leave a message, I would get dedicated readers for my blog. So I visited the community and found that the second most happening thing in my life had twenty-six members in its community. The longest thread in the forum had 13 entries. Not bad. At least they are not dead. I explored all the threads and found that it was same as rediffiland. People were fighting against plagiarism by saying that someone else has copied their blogs on iland. I decided to leave my footprints by requesting all the twenty six members to visit my blog.
To sum up
Orkut is the Kingfisher of networking. It is for the people who have social life outside office. iland is for the people who need to have a life outside office. It is the low cost airline of networking.

 

 

 

 







Addicted to voting

April 25th, 2009


We Indians are addicted to voting. From choosing the next Indian Idol to bringing our favourite comedian back on laughter challenge, we vote for everything. Yesterday Pune was thrown the ultimate voting challenge and the Puneites played their part to perfection by taking a day off from work.
For me the best part of the election was the half day off which I got to become eligible to show my middle finger to my friends. Since I do not like vulgar display of national duty, I decided to stay back at home and watched a few movies.
Today I reached office with the sole aim of conducting a cleanliness test. Any dirty fellow with ink-stained finger was to be strictly reprimanded on the importance of personal hygiene. I checked the office for people with clean fingers and found one. Aiming to form a union against the people with dirty middle finger, I asked her the reason for her abstinence from the national duty.
She replied,” I went to the polling booth but my name was not on the voter list”.

I tried to show compassion by saying,”Yeah!!! I understand Its India. Such things do happen.”

Thinking I shared her enthusiasm for voting, she said, “I understand it too but I am really disappointed. I love to vote and still I have never voted in the general elections. This was my first time and I didn’t got to vote even after taking my mom’s help to search my name on the voters list.  You know, I have even voted for Indian Idol and that too not once but twice”.

I concluded from the conversation that she was addicted to voting and asked her to check into a rehab as soon as possible.
To sum up
The exit polls have given their verdict.  They say that the most corrupt candidate is going to win.

 






How old are you?

April 22nd, 2009



A couple of weeks back I joined a library. Although my friends attributed this move to a sudden mood swing personally I considered it as an essential measure to stagnate the lens number of my specs. My love for computer screen has made my eyes feel neglected. As soon as I reach office I am staring at the screen, then I reach home and I watch movie on my beloved laptop (TV in a bachelor pad is reserved for students and bachelors with fat paycheck. I am none and hence I don’t have a TV).

Since I don’t have a bike and the library is nearby, I always walk to the library. Yesterday I started for the library and I saw one of my colleague”s Activa. This was not all, I also saw her.  “This is luck man”, I said to myself and frantically shouted at her. She looked at me and smiled. The next logical question would have been,” What is she doing near my home?” So I ran towards her and shot the question,” Please, can you drop me to the library. It will require a small detour from your route to home”. She asked me whether I knew where she lived and the answer was negative. She gave me her address and I said,” Good, the library falls in your way to home. Now can you can drop me to the library without taking a detour.”

She accepted the offer and muttered something in gujrathi which only a gujju may have understood. Although I am not a gujju, I took her words as some really lengthy version of YES and captured the pillion rider’s seat.

Surprised my ability to understand Hindi, English, Marathi and Gujrathi, she said nothing in Hindi, English, Marathi or Gujrathi during the whole journey. Within few minutes, the library came and I decided to say the all needed courtesy goodbye. She replied by,” I never thought you were one of those intellectual types.” I informed her that I did not belonged to that group and the only close resemblance between them and me were the thick specs which were awarded to me for religiously watching late night programming on TV.
She told me the reason of her confusion were not the specs but my deep desire for knowledge. I assured her that I am a normal middle class Indian by giving her the book, which I had borrowed, from the library. She turned a few pages, looked at me and with utter disbelief asked me,” What is this?” I told her,” Just to refresh your memory. It is known as Comics, Auntyji”. Auntyji got the message and told me,” I got it. That’s the reason”. I asked her to share the enlightenment achieved by her by flipping Tintin and she told me,” I always thought why does a guy like you does not has a girlfriend. Sometimes I felt you are one of those Dostana types. But now I understand. Its ok. Twelve years old kids don’t have girls on their minds”
To sum up

Evolution is a slow process. Boys cannot handle girls and comics at the same time. Hence, they have to choose one. Those who choose comics are condemned to remain boys forever and those who choose girls are condemned for life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Technology at rescue

April 14th, 2009


In India traffic rules state that cars must stay on the left side of theroad. Since it is a traffic rule the cars have to stay on the right side of the road. Today, as usual I stepped out of my house for morning jogging and made the customary check for the vehicles before crossing the road. The road was blank from both the sides and it was expected that I would be able to make it to the other side of the road. As I stepped on the road, a BPO cab appeared and decided to test my decision. Not trusting my decision I ran back towards the pavement and the cab came to a screeching halt.

The cab driver looked at me and proved that he is a real Maratha by speaking words in Marathi which I had not heard during my eight months stay in Pune. In reply, I quietly pointed out in Hindi that he is driving on the wrong side of the world. This made him realise that he must hurl abuses on me in Hindi.
As a native Hindi speaker, I decided to reply him in the adjective reserved for the politicians. Then I remembered that after two hours I have to give a presentation to the CEO of a company which considers me as a good employee.
With this realisation, I decided to bring technology to our battle to words. I plugged my ipod into my ears and listed to it for a couple of seconds and said,” I can’t hear what you are saying but I am sure that you will get late to work if you kept talking to me”. In reply, the cab driver babbled for a while and rushed away with a speed to give a Rajdhani express an inferiority complex.
To sum up
Traffic rules are crafted in India to be broken. Technology helps us to prove that no one will listen to you if you break them.

 

 


I against myself

April 10th, 2009




Yesterday I forwarded the link of blog titled Bookworm to the Bookworm. She read the blog and came immediately to my desk and said,”Look I am not the only one who smells book, there is some else like me too”

I told her that the blog is about her and I forwarded the link as a custom which I developed after one the guys in the office forwarded my Hannibal Barbie blog to Ms Hannibal Barbie. This forwarding lead to certain unbloggable incidents which I would like to reserve for my autobiography.

She looked at me, thought for a while and said,” Baloney. That blog is not written by you.”


I looked at her, thought for a while and said,” What?”

She replied,”Boloney. I have gone through his blogs. That blog is definitely not written by you. In fact, I have done some research. That guy’s id is cubicile blues and I think his name is Arren”.

I tried to reassure her by informing her that,”Look that guy’s name is not Arren because my name is not Arren and the user id cubicile blues is a typo error of cubicle blues.”


She tried to reassured me that I was hallucinating and claming someone’s else work as mine by telling me ,”I could accept your arguments but there is one distinctive feature of Mr. Arren.”


I asked her to tell me that reason and she informed me that,” I can tell you that the blog was not written by you because that guy seems to be funny”

Well!!! Can’t argue with that.


To sum up

Charlie Chaplin once entered as Mr. Charlie Chaplin in a contest for impersonating Charlie Chaplin. He came third. I tried to be prove what I am and came second. This proves that the world overrates geniuses and idiots alike.

P.S.

It seems that the link to my previous post has been broken. You can visit my previous post by clicking here. The title of the post is – Bookworm.



Bookworm

April 8th, 2009



“Here are the books you ordered. The UK office has sent them for you. “

Busy in my daily karma I looked at the person with a couple of books in her hands,” Really!!! Didn’t I ask for them about a month back? “

The bookworm smiled and replied ,”True and I never thought they will accept your request. Anyway it’s a big company with a big heart and big overheads.”

Taking a break from my karma I decided to have a look at the books which she had left on my table. Nice cover, nice papers, nice finishing, nice book but too late to be used. So like a dedicated employee I went back to my daily karma and tossed the books behind my LCD.

After the lunch break, I returned to my chair with a decision to complete my daily karma without doing overtime. The bookworm came to my desk and asked, “So how are the books?” I told her all the nice things about the books and she looked completely astonished.


“What? You didn’t felt it? “

“Felt what?”

“The smell”


“Impossible. I use a very expensive deodorant.”

“I am not talking about that smell. In fact until now I didn’t even realised that you use a deo. I meant the smell of the books.”

“Look I use a very expensive deo  and to make it last longer I use it exactly as much as needed during the beginning the month and a bit less during the end of the month. “

“Look deoman you need to smell the books.”


I looked at her, then the calendar and calculated th at it was too late for an April fool joke. Once I became sure of that, I reached behind the LCD and a chill went down my spine.

“Hey one of the books is missing?”

“Yeah. I took it.”

“Why?”

“It smelt so good that I decided to keep it.”

Looking at the reputation the books hadachieved, I opened the book and brushed my nose to the page.

“How does it smells”’ she asked

“Exactly like gum”, I replied

She inquired, ” What wrong with your nose?” and snatched the book out of hands.“Let me check” and brushed her nose on the book. A couple of minutes later she emerged out of the book and said,”Ah!!! It feels like heaven. I find it irresistible. Try again”


To prove that there is nothing wrong with my nose I took a deep breath and took my nose to the pages. The sweet smell filled my mind and I sneezed.


“You ruined the smell. How can you do that?” she wailed.


“The same way through way which you found the smell of the book irresistible”  was my reply.

She said,“That’s it. You don’t care for the books. Hence I am going to keep the book as long as it smells good “ and left me wondering – will I smell better if dumped my really expensive deo for gum.

To sum up

Sometime I feel that my life is like a jigsaw. I have spend a lot of time putting one piece after another to complete the picture until I realised it would more fun if I watched cartoon network.

P.S.

It seems that the link to my next post has been broken. You can visit my next post by clicking here. The title of the post is – I against myself.


 Cartoon link: http://www.cartoonstock.com/directory/b/bookworm.asp?imageref=dre1234&artistadd=Reynolds%2C+Dan&add=inbasket







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