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Archive for January, 2010

Shocker

January 31st, 2010

I am problem child. Whenever I have a problem, I start acting childish. I have spent more than one year in Pune. This has made me understand a little bit of Marathi. My Marathi is not good enough to allow Raj Thackeray to work me in Pune but it is good enough to allow me make sense of any conversion in Marathi that I overhear in office.

I have been working to achieve a deadline for the last two days. I will be working tomorrow on Sunday to achieve the deadline. So I am in a bad mood. This evening I overheard a conversation between two colleagues in Marathi. One is working with me on the project and another is not. 

The colleague not working on the project asked the colleague working on the project how the project was progressing. The colleague working on the project told that the project was coming up fine but she was unhappy that I had joined the project. The colleague not working on the project asked me what was wrong with me and she told that now not only she had to manage the project but also me. 

I was surprised to hear her comment. I have always tried to match the product with the company’s guidelines. In fact I am so good that during the last appraisal the management made me in charge of updating the guidelines manual and the smile on the VP(Production) face when I gave him the new manual told me a lot about the work I had done.

The colleague working with me on the project told another colleague that I am short-tempered. I drive every team member crazy with my bad jokes and requests to ensure that the product matches certain quality specifications. I wanted to interrupt the conversation but I didn’t because feedback is important. It allows one to know the truth.  The conversation made me know that in office I have been nick named with the word equivalent to Kamina in Marathi.  

To sum up

All my life I have tried to make people smile. Bad choice. It makes people think I am a joker.

From bad to worse

January 29th, 2010

Yesterday I was told that from today I will be working on a priority project. Today I was told that the deadline of the priority project is tomorrow.  I met the senior manager in charge of the priority project and she told me that the management had offered her one day extension but she wasn’t workaholic enough to work on a Sunday.

I came back to my seat relived that some people shared my enthusiasm of sleeping until noon on Sundays. The senior manager had sent a mail to the team working on the priority project to update the project status. I decided to open the project status to enter my initials in the excel sheet.

I had a look at the project status and went back to the senior manager. I told the senior manager that according to my analysis the project would be finished after three days. She told me not to worry because tomorrow we will be getting another resource for one day.  

I came back to me seat, analyzed the status chart with the new information and went back to the senior manager. I told her that even if we get one more resource we still won’t be able to achieve the deadline. She told me to get back to work because my analysis had proved that the team had to work on Sunday to achieve the deadline.  

I came back to my seat and closed the project status because any more analysis would have revealed that we will have sleep in office to achieve the deadline.

To sum up

History repeats itself. My life always gets screwed around deadlines. 

Back on deadline

January 28th, 2010

The last few days have been the best days of my life. I went to office, came back and wrote a blog. This all was possible because I was working on a non-priority project. The deadline was more than a month away and the only thing that worried me was my weight.

Today one of my colleagues asked me how I was feeling to be the only guy in the whole company working on a non-priority project. I told her I was feeling a bit bored. No quibbling with team members, no late night sittings, no meetings to obtain extension and no frustration.  

She told me that she was short of resources on her project and I told her that all the decisions to allot manpower are taken by the management. I wished to help her but there was nothing I could do. In my whole career till date management had taken one wise decision and I had no intention of telling her that they had again made a mistake.

She told me the work pending in her project was something I love to do but unfortunately for her my first preference has always been not to stay long enough in office to become eligible for a company sponsored dinner. 

After the evening tea-break a senior manager asked me whether I was enjoying working alone. I wanted to tell her I am loving it but it would have sealed ‘C’ during my appraisal for being a team player. So I told her,”I am a bit bored. There is no one to interact. I want some people to be shifted to the non-priority project.”

The senior manager told me that she was going to a project status meeting and will tell the VP (Production) about it. The senior manager came back from the meeting and told me that I have been shifted to another project. The good thing is that from tomorrow I will be doing something that I love to do. 

To sum up

Honesty is the best policy especially if you are a very poor liar.
 

i am not a loser

January 28th, 2010

I am not a loser Until today I was sure that whenever people looked at me, they pointed their finger and said – Loser. I have always tried to deny this fact and today I realized that I am not a loser. I am an epicfailure. 

Today I took stock of my life. There is nothing much to write. My mom always told me not to talk to strangers. I ignored her advice, talked to a few strangers and landed in an office. That’s not all, I accepted a job that gave me enough experiences to create my blogging id as – Cubicile_blues. 

I think my blogging id explains a lot about my life. It is so much messed up that I even misspelt my blogging id. Several people have pointed out this typo and the only answer I could come up is – It is not a spelling mistake. I have a unique id and this helps a lot when I do ego search i.e. google oneself. 

I sit next to the door of the production floor and whosoever enters the floor has a look at my desktop. I have several times tried to teach my colleagues that the best way to beat boredom and make enemies in office is to peek at your neighbor’s computer and give him unsolicited advice. My colleagues have patiently listened to my rant and have always checked whether I am working or not whenever they enter the production floor. 

Fed up with the constant inspection, today I came to office and put a desktop background that showed a finger and gave a message ‘Stop looking at my computer’ and went to have tea. I came back and found two colleagues reading the message. I told them excuse me and they told me to change the desktop background because it was rude. 

I had an option didn’t I but I still decided to change my desktop background. I changed it to the following message – I was an atheist until I heard atheism ruins your chances of becoming God. This might still not qualify as an appropriate desktop background but I am sure it will at least stop people from discussing about my desktop background. 

To sum up  

My life is a series of failures and my only hope is that someday I will hold the world record for the number of fail attempts by a single man.    

BeBeautiful.in

January 25th, 2010

I work in the production department. A senior manager sits next to my desk. Today, after lunch the senior manager asked me the address of our office. I told her that it was situated in Koregaon Park. She asked me to tell the exact address of our office. I told her I didn’t know the exact address but I could find it.

I googled the company website, went to the contact us page and gave her the address. She said thank you and we both went back to work. As I was working another senior manager came to her and said, “Give me the link. I too want the freebies.”

Now I understood that why the senior manager needed the exact office address and asked her to give me the link so that I could also order the freebies. She laughed and told me to go to Bebeautiful.in.

I heard the website name, said thanks to her and went back to work. Few minutes later a colleague came to me and asked me whether I had ordered a lipstick for myself. I told her that I would have if I had a girlfriend and the freebie would have saved me from getting a valentine gift for her.

She gave me a smile and told me that when you visit the website, it asks you whether you are male or female. So there is a beautiful zone for men and if I went there I could get freebies for myself. I replied to her smile with a smile and told her that the name of the website was enough for me to ignore it.

My colleague who was still smiling started laughing. I asked her the reason and she told that she just wanted me to visit the website because she wanted me to become beautiful. After all only a beautiful guy could get a beautiful girlfriend. I told her that, “I strongly believe in the law of attraction. There has to be some magnetism between the couple. According to the law of attraction opposites attract. If I will become beautiful then as similar poles repel each other, all the beautiful girls will repel me. Also the law of opposite will apply and the girl with who I will land up will have bigger biceps then me or worst, a six pack.”

My colleague laughed and left after telling me that she knew I would visit Bebeautiful.in as soon as she would leave. I wanted to tell her that I had no intention to do so because I am not that type of guy but she had already left.  

Since my colleague had left and I had no one to speak, I told to myself , “I know that in the battle of sexes, the men have infiltrated the feminine territory by introducing the metrosexual men but I also know that am not among them. If the Bebeautiful.in has an option asking you whether you are male or female, I am sure if I choose the male option, it would redirect me to a page that would ask – Buddy, what are you doing in the estrogen zone?”

To sum up

We attach a lot of importance on how a person looks and rightly so. After all nowadays a book gets sold because of the author on its cover and not its content.

TGIF

January 22nd, 2010

For me Fridays are the worst day of week as long as I don’t have a working Saturday. I enter in office on a Friday with a feeling that I need to get out of office ASAP. There is no point in sitting in office when your mind is wandering in some mall.

I walk into office on a Friday mornings like a zombie. There is only one goal and that is to kill the person who proposes either we sit late or come tomorrow to meet the deadline. These are people who screw up your appraisal. The boss says you are dedicated employee and that’s fine because so is everyone else. End of conversation why you gave yourself an A and your boss gave you a B.

Today I walked into office and found that I had not received a single email since I had left office yesterday. I waited for about fifteen minutes and still there was no mail. This made me anxious and scary thoughts like maybe I have been fired started coming to my mind. Before I could confirm it from my boss that whether I was still on roll or not, an IT guy passed through my desk, wished me good morning and apologized because the email system was not working. 

If the IT person was a girl I would have kissed her but he was not a she and I told him thank you. I consider my best day in office was the day on which I came to office and found that my computer was not working. This may not be as good as the best day but certainly it was good day. Actually it was very good day.

I spend the whole day without receiving a single email. I missed the forwards from colleagues but didn’t read a single mail that had ASAP in it. I went home thinking that some Fridays are not so bad that you have to say – TGIF.

To sum up

If work is worship then I am an atheist.

Cover

January 21st, 2010

For me the word cover means the brown jacket that my mom used to put on my school books. I remember, at the start of every school year my mom used to cover my books with a brown paper. I never did it because it was my mom’s duty. I remember my only duty regarding covers was to tear them.

Few weeks back I borrowed a book from a colleague for official purpose. Actually it was text book to help me refresh few concepts. I had a look at the concepts and told myself that here, Prof Google would be much more helpful. Another colleague needed the book and I gave the book to her.

The colleague returned me the book with few pages falling off the book. She was smiling and I knew I was in trouble. I was still working on the same project and decided that I could delay breaking my colleague’s heart. I made one mistake. I took the book and tossed it at the end of my desk.

Yesterday the colleague who had lent me the book came to my desk. We chatted for a while and he left after telling me that I must ask the office peon to bind the book. I took the book to the office peon for binding and the office peon told me that spiral binding is for manuals, not books.

I came back to my desk and thought about getting the book binded at personal cost. It was a good idea with only one flaw. I didn’t know anyone who binded books in Pune. I had a look at the book and realized the book was still in a good shape. All I needed to do was to paste few pages using gum and do something that would ensure the book’s condition didn’t deteriorated until I finished the project. The answer was simple. All I had to do was to put a cover on the book.   

There is a stationery store near my home. I can get the shiny brown book cover from there. However, I return from office so exhausted that I can’t make a detour just to buy a roll of brown paper and the shop opens after I leave for office. This left me with the second best option. Cover the book with a newspaper.

Today I reached office with a sheet of TOI. I opened the sheet and thought how I am going to do it. I had heard about Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). It says to make things happen, you need to first imagine them in your mind. I imagined for ten minutes how I was going to cover the book and reached the conclusion that NLP was invented so that people could philosophically procrastinate. I decided to Google how to cover a book but before I could type it in the search bar, I heard a noise behind me.

The noise was made by a colleague who sits behind me. She was putting her scarf, purse and mobile on her desk. I thought it would be below mine and Prof Google’s dignity to search for how to cover a book when help was standing behind me.

I wished her Good morning and shot the question, “Do you know how to cover a book?” She said yes and I asked for help. She took the sheet, told me it was too big and she hardly remembered how to cover a book. Anyway it was not her mom but she who used to put covers on her book and had practiced enough to cover the book I wanted. It was like riding a bicycle. You may have not ridden one for years but once you hit few pedals, you do it as good as it should be.

She gave me the covered book and told that she felt nostalgic for the good old days. I too felt nostalgic for the old days when my mom used to give me freshly covered books with a request of not ruining them. She told me about her school days when she used to put brown cover and then a plastic cover on her books. I was tempted to say I would have been saved of the reprimands and occasional beating if my mom had enough time and energy to do it. I didn’t say so because it could have started a rumor in office that I was an expert in ruining even the nicely covered books and then no one would lend me books.

The colleague told me about her days when she used to sit through boring lectures to make notes. It made me remember of my days when I used to bunk classes to watch movies and pass exams all thanks to the girls who attended boring lectures and made notes. I told her so and she said the same happened with her. Several boys used to borrow her notes. Talk about the more the things change the more they remain the same and you won’t find a better example. At least not me.

The colleague went back to her desk after asking me, “If you don’t how to cover books then how would you have the fun of covering your kids books?” My reply to her was, “If covering books is fun then my wife can have as much fun as she wants.”

To sum up

Most of the people reading my blogs think either I work in the craziest office ever or I make up stories for my blog. None of them is true. The truth is I knew this even before I read it somewhere – Humor makes life worth the effort.  

Twitter

January 20th, 2010

Those who don’t have a Twitter account know that Twitter is the hottest word of 2009, those who have a Twitter account know why it is the hottest word of 2009 and those who still think Twitter refers to sweet, aimless chirping of birds must consider cancelling their broadband connection. 

Google the word Twitter and you will find most of the people telling you that Twitter is a micro-blogging site. Ask a Twitterholic (twitter addict if you are not on Twitter) what is micro-blogging and he would reply with #WTF.

You may think Twitter is a social networking site and you couldn’t be more wrong. Social networking websites were born to make people connect with each other. You start with people you have met in real life and then make some friends that you haven’t met nor expect to ever meet. On Twitter people not only connect but also tell you what they are doing. I don’t think Facebook will ever make you interested in reading #having gulabjamunas. 

The most serious allegation against Twitter is that it is the biggest time waster ever invented. People log in thinking they will experience something new and find that the world is same everywhere. You think you will meet people interested in you and you find people are just like you – interested just in themselves. 

The best feature of Twitter is that it allows you to be yourself. You tell people about your life and they tell you about theirs. The more time you spend on Twitter, the more you realize that you can’t wear a mask for long. The reason being it is your life and you can’t fake it in less than 140 characters. 

To sum up 

When my children’s would ask– how were things before we were born, I would show them my tweets and they would say– Dad, what the hell was wrong with you? 

Wish to connect with me on Twitter. My address is www.twitter.com/cubicile_blues

Hello, new joinees

January 18th, 2010

Today is Monday. So today I was officially entitled to have Monday blues. I came to office suffering with Monday blues and the first thing I heard was a lie. A colleague told me – Good morning.

I went to my desk and started working. The colleague sitting next to me realized that I was in a bad mood and tried to cheer me up by making me remember that today three people would be joining our organization and that too in our department. I wanted to tell her how desperately I was waiting to tell the 3 idiots that, “You made a mistake by coming here” but my colleague is senior enough to obtain the privilege of talking with management and hence I controlled my emotions, gave her a smile and went back to work.

The clock stuck 10 and then exactly one hour later it was 11. The most interesting thing I observed during the whole hour was that none of the new joinees had turned up on the production floor.  I tapped on the desk of my senior colleague and told her,” None of the new joinees have come. This has ruined my chances on playing Virus to the 3 idiots.” It was now my senior’s turn to smile and get back to work.

I tweeted the same and a friend on Twitter asked me whether I had brought a nest to give the first lesson to the new joinees. I replied him that I had planned to use my Outlook to teach. I had planned to show the new joinees my inbox and teach them that whatever good work they would do here, some other SOB would get the credit. So the first lesson is – Be a SOB.

During the tea break I went to the terrace and realized what an exceptionally lucky life I had. My job not only provides material for my blog but also turns my life into a mystery novel. I saw three new faces sitting on the terrace filling forms. I came back to my desk after having tea and saw a mail from HR. The HR had sent a mail to every employee in the organization that three people were joining us and we must do everything to make them feel welcomed. I decided to not to so because I still did felt unwelcomed in the organization. 

After lunch a person trying to make the new joinees feel welcomed introduced me to them. She told me their names and designations and told them my name and unintentionally promoted me by messing up my designation. She quickly corrected herself and then there was silence. I smiled at the new joinees and they smiled back at me. The person introducing the new joinees thought I would do something to break the ice but found that I was too cold for that.  

The three joinees looked young enough to make me think either it was their first job or I have been struck at the same position for a long time. The three joinees were still smiling and I tried to maintain my smile but felt that I was losing it. The moderator who had brought the new joinees to my desk felt she had ruined my first impression and I would lose any come back chance by being the first one to be eliminated from the smiling competition. 
She told me to get back to my seat and proceeded to introduce the smiling new joinees to the colleague sitting next to my desk.

To sum up

Always make a plan. It allows you to blame your failure on the unexpected.  

Wish to connect with me on twitter. My address is www.twitter.com/cubicile_blues

It’s my life

January 16th, 2010

Today is one of the days when I not feeling sad for my job. Today I am sad because I talked with my dad. My dad is a big manager, a great person and stuck in the eighties. He thinks the aim of life is to get good education, find a job and have a happy family. Ask me and I would say the aim of life is to have fun. 

My dad thinks I have got good education, a job and it’s time that got married. The problem is I think I have got some education, a job and starting to have fun. He thinks I must get married so that I would become responsible and I think I can’t get married because I am irresponsible. We love each other, want me to have a better life and are at loggerheads because we think the other person is wrong. 

Today my dad told me that I must go to Rajasthan during the break that I am going to get due to the Republic day. The reason being I need to meet a girl. I don’t think this is a bad idea. The bad idea is to treat girls like commodities. I meet the girl, measure her to my expectations and expect the girl to do the same. If we both meet the desired criteria set by another, we tell our families that we are interested. Now I understand why crap like Hum aapke hai Kaun became India’s top grosser.

I thought marriages were made in heaven and shaddi.com was just trying to steal the thunder. It seems that I was wrong. Marriages are done because people welt under the pressure given by their families and shaadi.com is place where people log in to know about the competition.

I told my dad I am not interested in getting married. He told me that he was wrong. He always gave me what I wanted and now I think I am my own Boss. I can do whatever I wish without caring for anyone. I wanted to say that was not true. I can’t do what I wish because I have got a job but I didn’t because the telephone which is a communication device had been turned into a loudspeaker by my dad.

My dad kept shouting at me as if he was addressing a rally. His monologue revolved around the single agenda of informing me that today I am living a good life because of him and I will continue to do so because of him. In return all he wanted was my happiness. I think this could have been a great-guilt-raising-get-married pitch but it failed because the problem is – I want to live my own life whether it is a good, bad or ugly life. 

To sum up

Unlike a cat, you have got only one life. Make sure you spend it living your own dreams. 

Wish to connect with me on twitter. My address is www.twitter.com/cubicile_blues

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