As I See It -Broadcasting my thoughts

i am kinda tired out today. am not getting the time to pen(type) down the few words that i feel i want to write. days are more tiring that i thought they would otherwise be. added on to that our society has rules that seem to chain all my spirits down………

at times i think ….. is “society” a blessing or a curse for this mankind?? is it a curse in the guise of a blessing or a blessing in the robes of curse?? a lot of the rules of this society seem so useless, especially those that relate hospitality towards ties of branches in the family tree. I hate a lot of people & they are those whom i have to honour as they are elders in the family tree — even if they disrespect my parents….. It SUCKS!!!!!

a fault of mine was that i never bothered to worry about things about the family that my dad used to look after—- those that i wrote about in the last post. Now that i have to do everything single handed— it seems a lot to do & a ot of work. But i forgot that i am 23, & that i should have done these much before. At this age there are millions who take up the burden of the entire family on their shoulders——— i need to do that now. Being the father figure is not that easy— most people never need knwoing that, but i have to train myself in these lines.

last post i wished i have some solace, but in reality, there will be no one to be there beside me. Only when i am up again & on my own feet with a strong background with respect to bank balance & finance as well, will i have a herd of people posing to be there “with” me saying “whatever happens i will always be there with you.” So nice are the people around us.

my sis is about to be married in a couple of months from now. & for that the arrangements need to be made. Being the only working hand of the family i myself am doing all that needs to be done—— from buying a safety pin to ordering arrangemnts with the decorators & caterers. I love the work– it keeps me free from thinking all that is past & which i dont want to think.Responsibility is always a big word. I like doing my work & in my own way, & trust me i dont like to be interfered in any way what-so-ever.

guess my thoughts are getting clouded & so i believe what i began writing with was lost from the track & lots of other things came in. Calrity of thoughts—– something that i have lost, must be gained back. It will be of vital importance for me in the coming days.

brought up in a cocoon of care & protection, suddenly i am faced with a bolt from the blue at the age of 23 that i am now. Never realised that such a situation could ever arrive in life—- now that i am facing i know how the music sounds.

Never did i have to worry about a problem of paper-work that a family of four may have to maintain coz my dad alays took care of it, in the most meticulous way. Every paper,be it of tax, or municipal tax, or telephone/electricity bill, or house tax, or mediclaim ——- baba was always there settling scores.

November 14,2006— the children’s day, suddenly forced me to become a grown-up man with full responsibility of four members of the house- my dad, ma,sis & lastly –i, me, myself. My father, a patient of colon carcinoma, was suddenly taken seriously ill on this day & needed to be admitted to the hospital & operated immediately– just for the sake of saving him from death that very moment.

Colostomy has saved his life for now, but docs want us to measure time in days rather than months & of-course not in years.

Tough times ahead—– & i have very short time to understand the paper-work of “responsibility”. No alternatives do i have, not that i need one. Honestly, for these last few days i had so much to do, & so much to learn (about “life” & everything!) that just now ( its 2am in the morning of 21 Nov) i am feeling real tired, even to write these few lines.Not that i am afraid or weak beacuse of the situations,but i wish “she” ( the one i love & who left me for her reasons!) was here, so that i could find some solace—- even if it be for a moment.

But that’s not to be. She is not there with me anymore & nor does it bother her. This night seems real long — & i have a longer night still ahead. Just hope that dawn is not too far…………………..

after two full days of unscheduled load of work ( mostly the boring college stuff of projects & such) & absolutte sleeplessness, today when i crawled out of the auto rickshaw while coming back home; in exchange for a new Rs.10 note, the driver handed me an antidiluvian Rs.5 coin.

I looked at it & suddenly asked myself this absolutely irrelevent question–
“Do dreams come true?”

I know it has no relevance with the coin, but it was the coin that made a voice ask in my mind!!!! what was it i am yet to analyse & or find out, but anyways, —- how exactly can a shattered dream be brought back to reality?? Can anyone help me??

(or is it that i am just being boring (because of lack of sleep) & that too with bogus stuff!!??)