this blog wasnt the place for me to pen down my “personal feelings”, but having no other way to vent, i am forced to choose this blog-page.
After a fight of four years, & a desperate struggle with life for last three months (from november 2006 till february 2007) my dad passed away on 9 february,2007 at 7.10 pm. The next day we had a puja in our place & it was on 9th that i was out to finalise the order of food with “Bhajohori Manna” for the guests who were to come. I had to rush back home to see dad lying peacefully on the bed & ma desperately trying to find the last pulse beats with the hope that once more she will find them. But a Rs.15000, instrument, called the pulse oxymeter, which measures the oxygen saturation of the body & the heart beat rate per minute, in a couple of seconds, failed to find the number of beats or the oxygen saturation. My sister was in her in-laws place, so i took charge to figure out if he was gone– & although i didnt wish him gone my diagnosis proved otherwise. All these months i had trained myself to use a number of medical instruments—– & i had to admit he was no more.
The last rituals were completed the same night.
Today i have to see my widow mother— & now i am “the head of my family”, & that’s a great responsibility.
There are two things that are constantly bugging me– like a burden deep inside.
firstly– when “my love” had come to my house, my father had immediately liked her, & he,in a critical condition of health & lying in his bed,knowing that she meant my life to me, said in a session of father-son discussion….”_____ khub bhalo meye. okay tumi khub bhalo rekho.” It means–”__is a very good girl. Keep her happy always.”. The irony is i could never explain to her what she is for me, & over that my father was not in a mental or physical position to bear the news that she was already far away from me in her own world & with her friends!!!!!!!
secondly, on 8 february, in the evening, dad wished to see the snaps of my sister’s wedding. Now i dont have a lap-top, so i could not show him the snaps coz all the 640 snaps are in my desptop pc, which i could not carry to his room to show him. I had called a friend sauparna coz he has a laptop, but thanks to bsnl mobile phone that i didnt get his line even after trying several times. Probably there was no one at home so his landline kept ringing withput answer. The i decided to borrow his paltop on the 9th evening & show the snaps to my dad……………..
My dad passed away even before i could borrow. & being his son, i could not fulfil these tiny wishes of his.
For me,a new life has started…….. a life only with responsibilities to cater to….. & with no one else to be my support,if at all i need one, coz as of now i am the sole support for my entire family ——– i have people banking on me, from whom can i have my solace???