As I See It -Broadcasting my thoughts

lets put it this way– Thanks to an innumerable “what the f#@$ ?” kind of situations, I have turned into someone who is extremely lazy in getting things done and closing the same– say like adding a “full-stop” to the tasks in hand– one after the other.

this blog wasnt the place for me to pen down my “personal feelings”, but having no other way to vent, i am forced to choose this blog-page.

After a fight of four years, & a desperate struggle with life for last three months (from november 2006 till february 2007) my dad passed away on 9 february,2007 at 7.10 pm. The next day we had a puja in our place & it was on 9th that i was out to finalise the order of food with “Bhajohori Manna” for the guests who were to come. I had to rush back home to see dad lying peacefully on the bed & ma desperately trying to find the last pulse beats with the hope that once more she will find them. But a Rs.15000, instrument, called the pulse oxymeter, which measures the oxygen saturation of the body & the heart beat rate per minute, in a couple of seconds, failed to find the number of beats or the oxygen saturation. My sister was in her in-laws place, so i took charge to figure out if he was gone– & although i didnt wish him gone my diagnosis proved otherwise. All these months i had trained myself to use a number of medical instruments—– & i had to admit he was no more.

The last rituals were completed the same night.

Today i have to see my widow mother— & now i am “the head of my family”, & that’s a great responsibility.

There are two things that are constantly bugging me– like a burden deep inside.

firstly– when “my love” had come to my house, my father had immediately liked her, & he,in a critical condition of health & lying in his bed,knowing that she meant my life to me, said in a session of father-son discussion….”_____ khub bhalo meye. okay tumi khub bhalo rekho.” It means–”__is a very good girl. Keep her happy always.”. The irony is i could never explain to her what she is for me, & over that my father was not in a mental or physical position to bear the news that she was already far away from me in her own world & with her friends!!!!!!!

secondly, on 8 february, in the evening, dad wished  to see the snaps of my sister’s wedding. Now i dont have a lap-top, so i could not show him the snaps coz all the 640 snaps are in my desptop pc, which i could not carry to his room to show him. I had called a friend sauparna coz he has a laptop, but thanks to bsnl mobile phone that i didnt get his line even after trying several times. Probably there was no one at home so his landline kept ringing withput answer. The i decided to borrow his paltop on the 9th evening & show the snaps to my dad……………..

My dad passed away even before i could borrow. & being his son, i could not fulfil these tiny wishes of his.

For me,a new life has started…….. a life only with responsibilities to cater to….. & with no one else to be my support,if at all i need one, coz as of now i am the sole support for my entire family ——– i have people banking on me, from whom can i have my solace???

i am kinda tired out today. am not getting the time to pen(type) down the few words that i feel i want to write. days are more tiring that i thought they would otherwise be. added on to that our society has rules that seem to chain all my spirits down………

at times i think ….. is “society” a blessing or a curse for this mankind?? is it a curse in the guise of a blessing or a blessing in the robes of curse?? a lot of the rules of this society seem so useless, especially those that relate hospitality towards ties of branches in the family tree. I hate a lot of people & they are those whom i have to honour as they are elders in the family tree — even if they disrespect my parents….. It SUCKS!!!!!

a fault of mine was that i never bothered to worry about things about the family that my dad used to look after—- those that i wrote about in the last post. Now that i have to do everything single handed— it seems a lot to do & a ot of work. But i forgot that i am 23, & that i should have done these much before. At this age there are millions who take up the burden of the entire family on their shoulders——— i need to do that now. Being the father figure is not that easy— most people never need knwoing that, but i have to train myself in these lines.

last post i wished i have some solace, but in reality, there will be no one to be there beside me. Only when i am up again & on my own feet with a strong background with respect to bank balance & finance as well, will i have a herd of people posing to be there “with” me saying “whatever happens i will always be there with you.” So nice are the people around us.

my sis is about to be married in a couple of months from now. & for that the arrangements need to be made. Being the only working hand of the family i myself am doing all that needs to be done—— from buying a safety pin to ordering arrangemnts with the decorators & caterers. I love the work– it keeps me free from thinking all that is past & which i dont want to think.Responsibility is always a big word. I like doing my work & in my own way, & trust me i dont like to be interfered in any way what-so-ever.

guess my thoughts are getting clouded & so i believe what i began writing with was lost from the track & lots of other things came in. Calrity of thoughts—– something that i have lost, must be gained back. It will be of vital importance for me in the coming days.

brought up in a cocoon of care & protection, suddenly i am faced with a bolt from the blue at the age of 23 that i am now. Never realised that such a situation could ever arrive in life—- now that i am facing i know how the music sounds.

Never did i have to worry about a problem of paper-work that a family of four may have to maintain coz my dad alays took care of it, in the most meticulous way. Every paper,be it of tax, or municipal tax, or telephone/electricity bill, or house tax, or mediclaim ——- baba was always there settling scores.

November 14,2006— the children’s day, suddenly forced me to become a grown-up man with full responsibility of four members of the house- my dad, ma,sis & lastly –i, me, myself. My father, a patient of colon carcinoma, was suddenly taken seriously ill on this day & needed to be admitted to the hospital & operated immediately– just for the sake of saving him from death that very moment.

Colostomy has saved his life for now, but docs want us to measure time in days rather than months & of-course not in years.

Tough times ahead—– & i have very short time to understand the paper-work of “responsibility”. No alternatives do i have, not that i need one. Honestly, for these last few days i had so much to do, & so much to learn (about “life” & everything!) that just now ( its 2am in the morning of 21 Nov) i am feeling real tired, even to write these few lines.Not that i am afraid or weak beacuse of the situations,but i wish “she” ( the one i love & who left me for her reasons!) was here, so that i could find some solace—- even if it be for a moment.

But that’s not to be. She is not there with me anymore & nor does it bother her. This night seems real long — & i have a longer night still ahead. Just hope that dawn is not too far…………………..

i was going through a few blogs available in the net & much to my surprise i found that a lot of people are bent upon in giving into situations if they face any…… be it at the work place & or in their own life!

i dont have much experience may be, but the very thought of strinking a compromise in situations; that seem wrong from my point of view as well as when i place myself in that position ; creates an erre feeling inside me & thats when i blurt out with utmost violence.

I dont know much people liking me for my outspokenness, but at least it does make me feel in the right place in my own eyes! My life is full of follies, & i am ready to accept every wrong that i have done to people— but now i know i have changed myself to a great degree!

But still that no-compromise attitude i guess i have obtained from my forefathers.
cant help speaking out when i see a wrong done!
thats how i am!