auroraborealis

Janaki……….

“Oye Kuttappo…….po-po-po-po” the call would echo - My uncle would shout this  out from the verandah of our tharavadu   and his voice would waft across the fields and the echo slowly fading - and then in a few moments the reply would waft across the fields “Oyeeeee”   In a matter of five or 10 minutes he would be there in our yard. He would stand with his hands folded and the towel he wrapped around his head , he would remove and hold it in both his hands - he would never enter the tharavad - he would stand on one side -  I learned about the caste divide that ran rampant and still does - from Kuttappan - or rather from the way he conducted himself in our tharavad.

One day my uncle called out to Kuttappan and never got the answering call back - so he told me “Eda mone go over to Kuttappan’s house and see if he is there?  I looked at my uncle with some hesitation and he said “no no you go I wont tell Amma”. Amma was his mom and my grandmother who frowned on anyone going to places tharavad people should not go.  My uncle cared less he was more forward.

So off I went and I loved walking through the narrow paths that cut through the fields, the sights and the smells were wonderful - fresh smell of the paddies, the water in the fields and the little fish that swam in the water amongst the paddy stalks. Occassionally I would see a rat snake slither across the paddy field dividers - and glide away in the waters.  Most of all I loved the breeze that seemed to be present all the time - that swayed the tall grass and then washed across me.

In about a few minutes I reached Kuttappan’s house or rather his hut.  It was thatched with palm leaves, and the walls were covered with thick mud, with tiny windows which had wooden bars on them.  There was the smoke that made its way through the thatched roof, and rose up and vanished into the tree tops that hung over the hut.  The front yard was neatly swept and the hut though tiny had a snug look about it.

I stood outside and hesitatingly called out his name  “Kuttappan Chetta”, “Kuttappan Chetta”.  “Acchan is not here” said a voice behind me wrapped in laughter.  I jumped startled cause it was very quiet there and turned around.  There she stood - a thin towel wrapped around her head, bright eyes, ebony skin, laughing away.  I stared at her and she asked in rather nice way “What? have you never seen a girl before?”

I kind of swallowed and said “um um no no no it is not that, you startled me coming unannounced from behind me”.  She laughed again and I looked at her and she said “Why did you address my Achan as Kuttappan Chettan?” “You are from the tharavadu and every one from there calls him by his name?”  “Cause he is older than me that is why”, I replied. 

“Achan is not here, he said he was not feeling well so he went to see the vaidyan (the local doctor) “, she said and added “When he comes I will ask him to come to the Tharavaadu” .  ” No, no”, I said  “Don’t let him take rest, I will let them know”.  She looked at me as if I said something out of the norm.  “That is what everyone tells us when we tell them anything about Achan.  They say tell him to come when he returns” .  “Anyway I will tell him that you came from Tharavaadu” and she slowly turned to enter her hut.  “What is your name”?  I asked her.  “Janaki” she said and added that everyone calls me Janu” and went inside again laughing and saying” cannot believe you called Achan, chettan”

I smiled and walked back to the tharavadu - told my uncle Kuttappan was not feeling well and has gone to the doctor and I told Janaki to tell him not to come when he returns.

It was not that I had seen Janaki before, I had seen her on a few occasions walkinng with Kuttappan in the distance, not seen her close though, and I had never spoken with her till today and never knew her name either.  I liked her - no no not in the way of a boy -girl but just she seemed very nice and I liked the fact that she had a wonderful laugh.
 
I did not see much of Janaki but then whenever I got to see her either near her house or walking down the paddy fields she would pass me by without looking at me with her head bowed down and the moment she passed would softly mutter “Kuttappan Chettan” and burst into peals of laughter and run.  I would look after her and smile.  Now she would do so only if was alone or with my favourites cousin to whom I told about what happened that morning.  She was the sweetest of my cousins and we hid nothing from one another.  When others were there she would only talk to the elder and my cousin and that too in a very respectful manner.

Every holiday i would be in my village and each time I saw her Janu was blossoming as a beautiful person.  Every time she saw me she would not say anything - till she crossed my path and then the familiar “Kuttappan Chetta” would fall on my ears followed by her wonderful laughter. One morning as I was walking down the paddy field path, she was there and as usual the moment she crossed me  heard her familiar “Kuttappan Chetta” and then after a few moments I heard a splash - I looked back and there she was amongst the paddy in the water on her back.  I walked quickly and reached out my hand for her to hold and raise herself up - there was a brief hesitation and then she reached out and held my hand  - her hand felt soft in mine and so tender. 

I pulled her up and asked her what happened.  She seemed a bit shy and said that after calling out “Kuttappan Chetta”, she would always walk with looking back as to whether I would look back.  Today she just missed her footing and that was that.  This was the first time I had been this close to her, cause when I pulled her up and out of the water she was so very close to me that our bodies were nearly touching.Even after a dip in the holy waters of the paddy field there was that earthy fragrance about her.

We just stood there for a moment and then she started laughing - and said she felt so silly after taking the fall in the water. She looked so beautiful, wet hair, water streaming from her wet hair over her face, and at that moment I felt the first tug in my heart.  I said to myself “Oh my I am falling in love with her”.  I just gazed at her.  She stopped her laughter when she saw me gazing at her and then she slowly remove her hand from mine - it appeared to me rather reluctanly- and walked away.  I stood looking after her but she did not turn back and look.

I told my cousin what happened and she did not say anything, but had a worried look on her face.  She asked me “Are you serious, this is just  something that happened and rushing in your feelings is not good, but then you are nineteen and you know better”.  I did not see Janaki for the next few days .  One evening as I was returning to the tharavaadu from the temple, I heard a soft voice behind me “Kuttappan Chetta”.  My joy knew no bounds and I turned back.  There she stood with a smile on her face.  She said she was in the temple after her prayers and was talking with the temple workers when she saw me leaving the temple and decided to come behind me.  Her smile then faded and she wore a serious look .

“Don’t ask me why I made that decision since I know it is not right”.  As we walked slowly back she told me “I am not educated, never been beyond the 6th class, cause I had to stay home to look after my two brothers and sisters, since both my parents had to go to work”. 

She then said “Still I can see in someone’s eyes when they have feelings for someone.  I saw that in your eyes when you pulled me up when i fell.  I don’t think it is right.  You are from the Tharavaad and I am just one of those who are considered untouchable and it is simply not right for us.” “I have feelings for you but they will just be that and let us not start something that will in the end only cause hurt and nothing else”. Her voice cracked as she said that and her eyes misted.  ” I am going now” she said simply and walked away.  I just stood there watching the graceful walk.  She did not look back.

I never could understand why my grandmother or anyone there said anything to me when I talked with her or walked with her - maybe  they knew that nothing would come out of it and it is just two people talking.  I was surprised by the fact , that being as convervative she and many others were, she never questioned me nor did anyone else.

Whenever we met our  conversations were just simple conversations nothing about  feelings that lay buried deep. She never again said “Kuttappan Chetta” when she passed me by - maybe she just wanted it to die away so that she would not hurt and I did not blame her.The holidays were over and I was back in the city, did not get to see Janaki before I left nor tell her goodbye till my next visit.  It bothered me that I could not do so but then in a way I felt was better.

I received a letter from my cousin saying that Janaki married  a relative of hers and moved to  Chennai  with him and before she left she talked to my cousin and told her everything - about her feelings for me and my feelings for her but that it was best that it stay the way it should. 

I got a jo  moved miles away from home and my village which made it hard for me to go back home or to my village every year - in addtion the nature of the work was such that getting a three or four days off was a luxury. So when ever I got time off it was to my parents that I went to most of the time.  My grandmother by then was staying with her oldest son in Bangalore so I did not have much to go back to the village. My cousin and I corresponded very frequently, I asked her once about Janaki, but when she replied she had a simple message “It is time you forgot her”. After than I never enquired about Janaki nor did my cousin mention her at all………….

……….The bus jolted to a stop and I was came out of the trip down memory lane.  After a seven year gap I was back in my village.Nothing had changed - I noticed that while on the bus and while alighting and walking to the Tharavad.  I had come to attend my niece’s wedding returned to my village after some years to attend my cousin’s daughter’s wedding. 

It was wonderful to be back in the village.  I had a few days off and it was wonderful - breathing in the refreshing air and walking down my favorite paddy field dividers and to the temple.  Nostalgia flooded my mind but then I pushed it away.  The wedding was wonderful as weddings generally are.  Most of the people from the village and come.  I scanned the faces and my heart skipped a beat.  There she was standing in the crowd trying to make herself inconspicuous - and our eyes met.

She stared for a moment and then in the moment I turned to talk to one of my relatives and looked back, she was gone. I looked every where in vain but did not see her at all.  I knew that she had gone and would not stay for the sadya. I wanted to get out and see where she had gone. I looked around and my eyes fell on my cousin’s and she knew what could have happened and she shook her head indicating “No”

Two days before I was to leave I was walking down the paddy field path late one evening when I saw her walking slowly towards me, she hesitated as she reached me but  then she walked past me as if I was a total stranger.

  No words came to my mouth and I just walked on.  “Kuttappan Chetta” a soft voice  came from behind. I turned around and there she stood - laughing - the same laughter, and she looked more beautiful than before.  Without even thinking I hugged her - for a moment she fought but then hugged me in return and there were tears in her eyes.  After a few moments we pulled away and then  without a word she turned and walked away - I stood there looking at her as she slowly disappeared in the distance never once turning back.. 

I never saw Janaki again  - but I knew in  our hearts  our love for one another lives.. There was one other thing - she never called me by my name or anything else and I guess she did not have to.