You know this thing that they say about how, if you want to boil a frog alive with its full cooperation, you put it into cool water and then gradually heat it? I never tried it, but I’m told that as the change is gradual, the alarm bells never go off in the poor creature’s head, and it never takes the decision to jump out.
I think we’re like these frogs, and the global-industrial-consumer civilization that we live in is like the water that’s scalding hot already, and still getting hotter. In a variety of ways, we’re getting cooked to death, and you know what? We’re comfortable with it, just like the frog!
For an example of how this is happening, let’s take a look at my daughter, Bloo, who is in the 8th Standard.
She’s a good student, and a cheerful, spirited girl with an interest in the world. She rises at 6.15 am, leaves for school at 7.00, and is back home only around 3.00 pm after attending extra classes aimed at preparing her for the 10th Std. exams.
After coming home, she unwinds, eats lunch and generally amuses herself with friends, chatting, computer games, TV, drawing, music, books etc. Before she goes to bed — rarely before midnight — she does homework for a couple of hours.
Overall, in an 18-hour day, she puts in about 9-10 hours of academic activity. I think that’s the maximum that anybody — child or adult — should be expected to do.
But sadly, it ain’t good enough for us.
On Monday night, my wife and I gave her a talk about how she was up against other kids who willingly put in 13-14 hours of workto get that extra edge in the SSC exams. I told her that the system tended to reward such kids by letting them have their pick of career tracks; whereas laid-back kids would have to make do with whatever was available after the best seats had been taken.
That was a sobering thought for our daughter, who has ambitions of taking up a creative profession like architecture or fashion designing.
Now supposing she really learns to sacrifice 13-14 hours per day to the gods of Academia, and manages to score exceptional marks in SSC, what lies ahead? Will she be allowed to start enjoying her life?
No, what lies ahead is more hard work, of course!
Later on, if she makes it into a prestigious institute for, say, architecture, will she be able to give free let to the creative drawing and painting skills that she’s so proud of? Most of the time, the answer is, No. Because still more slogging — not creative leisure — lies ahead. She will constantly have to come upto the raised academic benchmarks that she herself helped to create.
Because her creativity in its natural form is not good enough for society. Her creativity has to be bent and moulded into a shape that has maximum commercial value.
Maybe someday, in the distant future, she will look back and experience a sense of achievement. Maybe.
Unless, of course, somewhere along the way, she gives in to a feeling of fatigue and a sheer sense of futility and waste of life.
She’s at the starting line of a rat race, and we, her loving parents, are telling her to buck up already. We’re teaching her to derive her sense of self-worth NOT from who she already is, but from who she MAY become in the future by sacrificing who she is.
I personally find the rat race revolting. It’s a race that I ran most reluctantly in my life, and it’s a race that I’m on the fringes of, currently. I’m not exactly a frontrunner; maybe if I were, I might have loved the race a bit more.
And then again, maybe not. Maybe I’d have disliked it as heartily as I do now. I wonder if I would have felt more rewarded or more cheated for having wasted so much of my life for something so worthless.
Why should Bloo sacrifice the simple joys of life today, when she is most capable of enjoying and appreciating them? Why must she learn to live in hope and fear of the future, instead of celebration of the moment?
True, our current civilization does not reward us richly and accord us recognition for being who we are. It rewards us for becoming what it needs — for prostituting our abilities and our brains in whatever way it requires. But can we not exert our will against it? Can we not resist it with our words and actions, and bend reality to our will?
Can we not create a culture (or sub-culture) that celebrates the individuality and specialness each child, each adult and each senior citizen without asking them to conform and transform themselves into something that they are not?
I know it seems like I’m dreaming of a Utopia. Part of me scoffs at the vision and yearns to just conform and survive. But another part of me says this vision can become a reality — that all of us can indeed live without endlessly competing. Without bending over backwards and giving up what is most precious in our lives — our leisure.
We educate our children for their self-development; let’s remember that. Since when has children’s self-development come to mean training them to keep their noses in their books for more than eight-nine hours per day? Especially when they feel (and rightly so) that most of what they do is NOT REAL LEARNING, but a bunch of meaningless tasks that the mindless, faceless system wants them to do…
The system needs us to be prostitutes, and rewards the least questioning, the most willing, the most eager to please. The system wants us to give ourselves entirely — and not just a small part of our lives. And for what?
To enjoy a sense of power over others – the power to make “important” decisions, to order others about, to decide who gets promoted and who doesn’t, to work out where the next multiplex-supermall gets built….
To enjoy more purchasing power – to be able to afford a bigger house, a bigger car, to take a bigger cruise ship and a bigger hotel suite…
To marry into a richer family and keep company with “bigger” people and move around in “bigger” circles – to play golf with the creme-de-la-creme in society (never mind the fact that in order to do so, one must stop playing marbles with ones little brother early on in life).
If I were to send my kids to help out in the neighbourhood grocery store for a couple of hours each day, I risk being accused of giving a fillip to child labour. But if I can convince, cajole and browbeat my children to devote themselves body and soul to acquiring bookish knowledge and more marks, I’m likely to be admired as an ideal parent!
Things just ain’t right around here, folks. Something stinks. Something is rotten, and I think some of the rot is inside of me.
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True to the last word, its us who have to change, why do we want our children to go to swanky schools, why dont we send them to the Govt schools, why dont the kids play marbles and the gilli-danda which we played it improves concentration, hands and eyes co-ordination etc., today there are more pbms with comp games and digital media then the good, good thoughts pls keep posting……
“I”m not exactly a frontrunner; maybe if I were, I might have loved the race a bit more.”—-I don”t agree with this,FG,atleast personally. I had been a frontrunner and I enjoyed being one. But,once you start being on the front, a lot more is expected of you……atleast from your immediate peers. By the time you reach the pinnacle of the race, a lot more who ran beside you taking their paths would ahve settled down comfortably, peacefully,atleast peaceful than you…..Today,I stand without knowing the actual definition of who I am,by nature!!!
Let your daughter roll and explore,her natural way!!!!!!
I am thankful to my parents that they never forced me to join the race…….can remember that everyday of my Class X exams would play for atleast couple of hours…….and not to mention my CA exams, which I cleared in my first attempt, thanks to sufficient movies that I saw on the day before the exams…yes topped college in graduation after speading the entire day before my papers to preapre for sister’’s engagment and then attending it………..who said that you need to be á rat to win the race……….yes there might be rats who have done better, but my parents are proud of me and I am satisfied with my job, family and in general my life………..thanks for getting people to put on the thinking cap
The thing about rat race is you win or lose, you still are a rat! I have faced terrible things because of my Ma pushing me to study science! Well, am peaceful it is over!
hehe I loved the beginning and the ending……………… i am smiling. And yes i dont think rtis a wise idea to push children in any direction and make them miserable. The world can do it on its own widout our help
maybe i am speaking too soon…coz my daughter is just 6 and i might start panicking when she grows up to be bloo’’s age, but then, i would love to see her bloom, her own way…she may not be the flower I imagined her to be, but she will be a beautiful one nevertheless…not sure how much i would stick to letting her be, but i sure want to. i have seen what it is like to be a part of the rat race and i certainly don”t want my daughter to end up being a rodent racing against life, not even knowing where she was heading. well…it remains to be seen if these words remain words or if i will follow what i preach
thts the dilemma of today’’s parents and ofcourse the ever increasing expectations and competitions….ur blog has answer s to ur questions…y dont u take it easy? y dont u let ur daughter just b? y do u hav to tell her to buck up? inspite of knowing today’’s education and life are just going to grill them n us more n more u r asking her to get herself grilled more. wats the need? i suggest let them grow as kids as once the childhood phase will go..she will never b able to enjoy it again…..(just a note….tht was a very bad example abt the frog….plssssss leave those harmelss creature alone….become veggie….)
i can empathise with what ur kid is going thru. Even i had doubts about the worth of the whole acedemic process. (I was first in class. But never felt happy about it. Infact i felt guilty when teachers scolded other kids giving me as the example of “ideal” student) Then i did what u said in my Btech. I told my parents that i would maintain a CG of 8.5 and they shouldnt ask me any Qs. I passed out with GC of 8.5 while most of my friends have 9+ :)) I never got tempted and my husband who was my classmate still chides me of being complacent and of “wasting” my “potential” !!!!
Btw, my son is 9 months old..wonder what he has to go thru !
If born in present day India, even Beethoven would have becom either an engg or a doctor
I get to meet lot of parents who ask “Which discipline is good for my son/daughter…etc.” Nobody ever asks the kid what he/she likes or what she wants to do with the life….ur kids are fortunate to have such parents
Definitely worth a thought.
*sigh again*
Great post. How many of us can be beyond competition. A very rare few can reach this exalted state. The rest of us have to compete and competition per se is never bad. Just as hard work by itself is never bad. But when it becomes a rat race and there are rat traps and you are experimented upon and you start becoming a rat to get into the race, then it is time to ponder and become human. At home, what we can teach is values. To compete fairly, to put in the very best effot , to have abiding interest( not a fast food approach to life) in what we do etc etc. I guess the right environment is made at home. It definitely is not ok to say do below your best, while away your time, it is ok if you fail etc etc. All this is easier said than done. But is anything easy in life.
FG I posted something relevant to your current posts. Do check it out.
very true…..but ten even though each one of us feels the same and agrees whole heartedly with u……..i suppose not even 0.5% of us go out n try 2 talkit out.simply blogging isnt gonna chng any damn thing in the wrld…….n most of us..(un)willingly go on with it….neways.def wrth a thot.
very well written, what every sensible parent feels , very few realise and lesser react
beauitifully written with a deep sense of parenting…….
I agree 100% with you - not everyone realizes that a bit of the ”rot” lies within. You are a parent with a concience and am sure will find a way to let your child make her choices and yet be successful with whatever she chooses! You may find yourself when you jump out ofthe hot water though…
I realise what you are trying to say FG. When we were kids all our peers including parents wanted us to be either an engineer, a doctor, or an economist. Somehow all of us make choices, whether they are for our children or ourselves. It isn”t easy, man. But I think if you let your daughter decide on the course of action she would like to take maybe there could be a solution. Seeing all he comments, I realise that it isn”t easy being a parent. Best of luck to your daughter.
Happy to see the parent comunity (you people) take note of such things and so deeply at that. “But another part of me says this vision can become a reality — that all of us can indeed live without endlessly competing.”. I think so too…
Its such a thought provoking blog… The straigt jacketed curriculam, extreme pressure to excell in today’’s compititive scenario and passive learning has surly killed the creativity of children….Instead of learning practicalities of life, soft human values and life skills what they are gathering is only bookish information, I would not even call it knowledge, cause knowledge has connotation for applicability in life or translation of learning into practice, which is not the case in todays education system…
the rot is defnitely not in ur head … its in our system, and in today’’s world.
But its not an easy situation. There are NO answers. Its really [as I always end up saying] upto the individual - not the parent , but the kid. Each one has a fair idea of where they are headed in life… will follow up later…
Ghost, I can go on & on & on…. coz I havent forgotten my teenage [trying to fight to take up art] and my daughter is still too young.. So i”m on a neutral ground for now… I have tons to say, but like sandy says, this warrants a whole blog. Lemme see what she says first, if i still have more to add, i will follow.
Neetha…I agree with you.
Kahani har ghar ki …. kahani ghar ghar ki…. Warm regards, M
Honestly, I think when we were growing up we probably swore when we have kids we wont ever do this…are we living by what we promised? Its a tough choice considering the education system we have!!!
WTF, this needs a whole bolg to respond! FG…you got something really really hard hitting here…my blog follows!
This totally leaves the young adult’’s life shattered forever. Because , I believe that a person can perform his/her best only in the field of his/her interest.Each one is unique ,different with + points of their own .Unfortunately ,peer pressure wins most times. A lot can said here, the topic is debatable . Money often over -powers most good things here too and that includes luck . The wi-fi era has its own set of rules which come with a tag that retards real growth . Let our children remain themselves ( that includes their studies too ) .God has created each one to serve a purpose and that shall happen . Lets watch then grow and flower on their own & just as they like . Only then ,shall we become real parents in all sense . Cheers and all the best to your kid daughter
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Sincerely , one of the best topics for a post by you . I agree with all that you have said here , whole-heartedly . True as always , we as parents always expect our kids to excel in academics . Hence ,99% of the kids in ones neighbourhood (who maybe studing in the same class , section & school too ) are 1st rank holders with A+ in all the subjects . Amazing indeed ! This is due to the ego of the parents when the studies of their children is concerned . All this ,when kids are in school. Once after their 12th ,majority of the parents take over completely . They go so far as to even decide what their child SHOULD become in future without any concern for the kid’’s field of interest ……
OK. FG, why don”t you bite the bullet and let her have her leisure and study at her own pace. You just be the guide and tell her about the ways of the world and let her decide. You have yourself questioned the attributes of success. Maybe she will be happy with whatever choices she makes, with whatever she has matured into as a human rather than how much she earns. Maybe you need to distill that sense of self-worth in her which is independant of the possession of wealth or status. Why fill her with your insecurities, your fears. Whoever said that all rich and successful people are happy?
Ghost, thanks for bringing out this subject. my elder one dreamed of IT , she is doing her B.Tech IT third year. my younger one is doing 12th and she likes to get into IIT of madras… once I told my daughters I would like one of them to choose medicine… both of them simply replied don’t put your dreams on our shoulders… I am not angry with them I am a kind of relieved. because I never had that kind freedom in my life. Both of them always looks very tired but they are happy ghost. rule no one to their success is I never interfere… ( i am only talking about studies).
its a dilemna…
The situation is similar every where. Only to varying degrees. But the last word is always luck , however hard they do or we do . Then there are some children whom u simply cant push too much , for varied reasons. Mine is one of them. She is the coolest one i have ever seen and does not dream of anything more than an average . Do i have choices ?Unfortunately NO .But then I dont have aspirations of her becoming anything which she actually cant. I would be happy with her being average . And rest is all luck. I leave it there.. May be i have a lesser problem than other parents , in this …
So u won”t comment!! But I will. this situation is because of too many talented, middleclass people competing for very few “prestigious” seats in a society which is grossly corrupt. In Bahrain, say Rs.1000 will be distributed amongst 5 people and the society is wise enough to distribute it as per talent and contribution. In INDIA, Rs.1000 will be distributed amongst 100 people and the scoundrel would hijack Rs.700 leaving the rest between 99, who are meek and scratching the bottom of the barrel. Crumbs for living. Independence does not mean voting once in 5 years amongst a kidnapper, bootlegger, dacoit etc but a society is one which can identify its heros. Indian society rewards paper tigers created by media
The perpetual problem with parents is .. they r simply too protective and fanatic of their children’’s success ( and rightly so) .. and in their efforts to protect them/ make them successful .. most of the time they forget … that life’’s biggest battles are fought all alone .. without anyone on ur side … parents can”t craft their child’’s future … they are only a facilitator … and they shud stick to that basic role … for rest of the things … each human being, I believe, is equipped with fire and armours to take on life .. kids are arrow which are shot from bow called parents … and more often than not .. the ability of bow has got nothing to do with success of arrow .. it has a fate of its own.
the problem is hard work now or a struggle later- the options are limited, every where the kid gets into, life is tough, gradually getting into 18-24 hour work days at times seems to be the ultimate end of life! it is difficult to let the children get into creative arts, what if it does not work is what every parent worries about! my daughter wanted arts, I got her into science and then… engineering! result, nearly four years of slavery in a nerd,corporate world! son chose engineering and is learning the ropes of creative computer slavery! quo vadis?
For once FG…..I agree …wholeheartedly…Find myself in the same boat with my son….
….what this musing about Ghost?…. when the alarm bell goes off it is too late…i will come back later to answer that ….but another thought ”Yes” we are like frog :)Meena
work in progress ..ok friend … i will come back later.
waiting!