Ritu Jain commented that most of us willingly or unwillingly go along with this process of boiling to death over a slow flame, and that just blogging about it wasn’t going to change anything. She’s right of course. Change in life is easy to talk about, but difficult to execute.
But then again, the journey of a thousand miles begins, not with a step, but with a thought, a reflection, and maybe a few words between friends. (I’ve found this to be true in my life; I believe its true of all our lives.)
Some days ago… last Wednesday, as a matter of fact, at about 9.30 pm, my daughter Bloo came to me tearful and frustrated. She had tried confiding in her little bro about what was bothering her, and he hadn’t understood. (Of course he couldn’t be expected to understand, being only eight years old!)
“Dad, I want to drop out of school,” she said. “Come inside, we gotta talk.” (This was two days after the pep talk her mother and I gave her, which I referred to in the last blog. At the time this happen, I had written down my thoughts in my notebook, but not put them up on the blog.)
We requested complete privacy, closeted ourselves into a room and
talked. We talked for about an hour, at the end of which she was feeling comfortable within herself.
What did we talk about? She told me why she wanted to drop out… because she resented the fact that her time was not her own. The fact that her whole day was not her own. I heard her out Then told her that I agreed entirely. I read to her from my notebook the thoughts that I’ve put down in my last post… the thoughts that I had written on Tuesday, the morning after we gave her that pep talk.
I told her that she could drop out if she wanted… but maybe it was better to stay within the system and fight. I told her that dropping out was sort of like dying for what you believe in. “It’s more difficult, but better, to LIVE for what you believe in,” I told her. “Do you feel pressured by having to attend school, and then coaching classes, and then having to do your homework after coming home? Decide how many hours of academics is enough, and then refuse to do a minute more. Drop out of the coaching classes if that’s what you want. That way you can come home early, finish your homework, and be free for the rest of the day.
“Alternatively, you can do the coaching classes, but absolutely refuse to touch your books at home. Of course you’ll have to pay the price in terms of the approval of your elders. Mum may disapprove. Your teachers and maybe even principal may pull you up. Be prepared to pay the price. Resist the pressure. Tell them why you’re doing what you’re doing. Take it as a matter of principle. Then fight for that principle. Can you do that?”
She heard me out. I think she liked the idea, but she kept her counsel. She said that for now, she would want to drop out of the coaching classes for English… but that’s about it.
That’s fine with me. I don’t want to provoke her into doing something hotheaded and destructive, in a spirit of rebellion.
But I want to give her a sense of having a sense of control over the present. Over each day. I want her to study because she wants to, and not because everybody around her wants her to. Not because the system wants her to. I want her to study because it is her path, her way.
As parents, we are worried about the quality of their future, and we teach children to worry about it too. I say: no, let’s worry about the quality of their present, and teach them to be concerned over the present. Let us teach them to own their lives, and to feel in control of their lives.
I think it’s important, because I think the system that we live in will come to own our lives if we haven’t learned to take ownership. I think couples who are stressed out to such an extent that they cannot even make love or make babies are people whom the system has taken over completely… body, mind and spirit. I think if a person does not come to take the reins of ones life, and leaves them in the hands of ones elders, there’s a danger that he or she turns into a puppet.
Perhaps today more than at any other time in history, we are in danger of letting the sustem make mindless automatons of us, with the big carrot of high-flying careers, fat paychecks, lots of goodies to buy etc. etc. and the big stick or failing in your own eyes, and in the eyes of your family, peer group etc.
The choice that I’m making here and now is this: Let me not teach my children the importance of having a BIG career, at the cost of losing their TODAY, their NOW. Let me teach them the importance of fully owning their NOW, and then aiming for whatever it is that they deserve in life.
Ambition is a fantastic thing. I too want my children to be ambitious. But more than being ambitious, I want them to learn to look the world in the eye and say, loud and clear, “NO. No. Thus far and no further. I won’t do that. Don’t tempt me with success, because success doesn’t matter to me THAT much. Don’t frighten me with failure, because failure doesn’t scare me THAT much.”
If I succeed in teaching my children this, I think that no matter what material success they achieve or fail to achieve in life, it couldn’t matter less.
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Parents should read this post. Somehow I wish my dad would have tell me what you mentioned, I would have done better in my life.
Fantastic post….
loved those last few lines…about success and failure…very true indeed. such simple words but it could make a world of difference if this is instilled in our children…
Kids seems to have same thoughts! My elder daughter used to have such complaints…more to do with her friends and other students in school bus.(must be strange in 3rd standard!!!)… I have noticed that speaking to her sitting in the balcony for some time, she feel re-assured(she is in 3rd std) (I really felt she undergoes much pressure for her age!!!)
I could feel the blog entirely - kudos¬!
casper ..
when will u write something that wud make me say “i beg to differ but here is what i feel about the matter”?
Wow….do tell me if u intend to open a school. I would enroll by son there and be assured that he is in safe hands !
Wonderful
Its superbly written..
Great read as always. In todays world success is measured by your social status, if at all there is such a thing. But you think differently and kudos to you for that.
Honest post as always. Sucess isnt everything and i hate it when sucess is synonymous to riches and a great career. I think i have attained succes if am at peace with myself and the world around me - not with how much i take home at the end of the month.
*sigh* I wish my parents would think like you…
ha ha, the same old story , to be continued….every where …. dont remind me of this…. I am tired…of saying it allll
teach ur children to love themselves for just being themselves not for their decisions or acheivements….cos when u give them the freedom to choose u have to give them the maturity to not hold on to regret(if ever)…loved the part where u spoke of paying the price….
hope ur daughter appreciates what u have done for her…..given her the ffreedom….to decide…
Some of us agreed do not know what we want…but hell man, it makes us interesting people. At 35 (well almost ) (chuckle) I still don”t….ah um…mostly…to be honest my daughter (shes 6) changes her mind about what she wants to be when she grows up every single day…I always tell her fine. I think we are living in a time where it is more important to make our kids discover themselves and accept themselves for who they are…nothing else will last longer…tis a different pace now…they need to really be assured that they are and they definitely need to be! FG Kudos…you are one heck of a role parent where handling kids esp teenagers is concerned. Don”t believe you”ve seen it all yet…thre will be more issues popping up…but I think it will be okay eventually if the stuff between ur ears rules!
The system has some inherent faults…while some can be countered the others cannot…children need to be taught to accept them and to work around them without embracing them….a tough task but that is what parenting is all about…Good post..FG
what u said about success and failure in the end, is really fantastic
Lovely post . Honest !
. You wanted me to elobarate on the thought — “Should we call a child”’’s mind ”’’small”” simply by habit? Perhaps it is larger than ours is , for it can take in almost anything without effort.” Look , you have done that yourself and moreover ,in such a gracious manner .Cheers Ghostu 
With freedom comes responsibility. Till so long the child is not capable of understanding the consequences and the responsibility attached to doing or not doing it, the parent is obligated to make the decision for the child. When children are taught about freedom, they need to be taught about responsibility too.
I agree and failure and how to bounce back is crucial for every child!
i think it is always better not to put so much pressure on the child that it starts having a telling effect……it is always a childs choice to do what he/she wants to do and how much he/she wants to do…..peer pressure,a competetive element in academics and then the worlds craze for ONE-UP-MANSHIP…..is the undoing of the human race itself……what is basically imp.is the need to educate our children as well as imbibe in them a sense of CONFIDENCE to face the world…There is always the No.1 in every field but that can be achieved by not more than one……so keeping their sights glued to that position perennially can have a devastating effect on their mental and physical well being itself……leading to complications known and unknown….MODERATION IS BEST,WHATEVER MAYBE THE FIELD…..anyway a parent is the best judge…so wish u all the best………
I guess many a time parents impose their unfulfilled desires on their kids. And a lot of times kids dont know what they want. It is a thin line. I like your suggestion that the fear of failure should never be left hanging like a damocles sword atop your child’’s head. As a parent my take is that it is better to impose your (well-thought out) will on your child on important decisions. If you don”t, you face the risk of them asking you at a later date, “Dad! or Mom! you knew better. Why didnt you tell me what was the right thing to do”.
evn thou its a nice thght, but i dun thnk its practical all the time to dare. no, its nt a timid speaking, but a practical person. but yeah, its gud to teach them to face the world, to break even, to change the rules, to be creative, and not follow the herd.
ghost, sometimes children got very confused it is our duty to clear all their doubts….u r a good father FG….nice advice and i hope ur daughter takes ur advice…my younger one always come up with some Q, sometimes it is hard for me to answer but i try to be very honest with her…
i hope ur daughter takes ur advice…u r certainly a very strong papa…