What is it about us married people? We build a cocoon that contains us, binds us, holds us together. We dream of warmth and understanding within this cocoon — a cozy cocooned life where we truly belong to each other.
We dream that our need to give and our spouse's desire to receive will be complementary.
Ah… But it never is!
We dream of our every need being understood and gladly fulfilled. We fondly believe that we can fulfill and complete the other and then we find, with dismay, that we are both sadly wanting that our relationship is one of mutual disappointment and dissatisfaction.
We devalue and disregard what we have and what we get from our marriages and our lives. Whatever we have seems barely worthwhile. It seems as though life does not recognize the value of our feelings, and continually short-changes us, no matter what we do. A gnawing dissatisfaction, an aching loneliness lives within us all and eats us from within.
And then — thanks to discussion forums like the iLand – we befriend other married folks and read in their eyes the same loneliness, the same disappointment, the same sense of betrayal. It is as though life has duped us all. Amidst plenty, we find ourselves hungry and thirsty. In the midst of our families, in the midst of what seems like a lot of intimacy, we find ourselves alone, lonely, aching for warmth and understanding.
When we read the same loneliness in the words of another person (whether married or single) ' in his/her blogs or chats ' we connect. Or rather, we like to believe that we connect. We nurture the illusion that we connect ' all of us lonely people — as if a bunch of lonely, incomplete persons together can attain completeness.
Come to think of it, this is the same illusion that brought us together with our spouses and made us get married in the first place. "Are you lonely? Do you wish you had someone you could own and belong to? Well, whaddya know!!! I feel the same way! So why don't we get together, and care for each other? We can have the time of our lives together! I'm a fun-loving, understanding partner! I shall vow to hold and cherish you till death do us part and you do likewise.”
But a few years down the marital aisle, what we have is our individual bundle of dissatisfactions. Whether it is a love marriage or an arranged marriage, it sucks.
Marriage sucks. Parenthood sucks. Working to support a family sucks. Being a housewife and mother sucks. Life sucks BIG time! I don't know why I'm doing whatever it is that I do. I don't know why I'm taking the trouble to get out of bed in the morning, every morning, morning after morning, and drag myself through endless chores. Truth, I don't give a shit. It's just that I'm habituated to living, and don't have a great reason to die.
Like the song goes:
“Seeney mein jalan, aankhon mein toofan sa kyon hai
Why is there a burning in the chest and a storm in the eyes?
Iss shaher mein har shaqs pareshaan sa kyon hai
Why is everybody in this city kind of desperate?
Dil hai tho dhadakne ka bahaana koi dhoondey
Because there is a heart, it seeks some excuse to keep beating
Aaeena hamein dekhke hairaan sa kyon hai…
Why does the mirror seem puzzled to see me?”
On the iland, you'll find this song being sung in various tunes. Some people hint at loneliness and disenchantment, and a genteel acceptance of these emotions in their lives. Others rave and rant from the treetops, and write sad poetry. Some speak in optimistic terms of how to dig their way out of this shithole, how to change life for the better. Some speak as though they have indeed dug their way out of the shithole and triumphed against life with perseverance, commonsense, and the grace of God; they sound that way until they enter the slough of despond again.
Bottomline, it's about a shithole and not a warm cozy fulfilling place. We are all in it together ' all of us lonely and misunderstood, all of us doing the best we can but unappreciated by our spouses, all of us getting a raw deal from life.
(Postscriipt: No, this isn't a personal rant. In fact, this is how it is with ALL of us, at least some of the time. What varies between individuals and between couples is how much of our lives we spend in this frame of mind, and how often this mood hits. What varies is how we express the bitterness that we feel ' what we say and what decisions we take based on this bitterness, and how much distance we put between ourselves as couples based on these feelings.)
we may face lonliness at any point of time in life…all the creatures do…even in a crowd we seem to be utterly lonely sometimes….marriage is no different…but look at the brighter side of it…..there are just so many pluses… mother teresa has rightly said ” iwill have no time to love if i start judging”
Life is not all that bad as you make it seem. Loneliness is something everyone faces from time to time. Being misunderstood and short changed is again part of life. They dont say for nothing “Life is a bitch”. Cheers
Solemn article. It make me lost in thoughts.
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wonderfuly written….however much one may diasgree…..it holds true lik u said…..some or the other time.watever v do…..if v sit back n ponder….v sure will agree with u.luv the line whr u go.”gimme one great reason 2 die”
We forgot to cherish the good moments which we share in our life, we being an human being does not know how to get satisfied with what we get, we are running toward the mirage in the dessert in order to get some shadow and water of happiness , but forgot that happiness is nothing but its the small small moments which we cherish when we were together. then why we are trying to find it outside. Its we who has to make ourself satisfied, nobody can make us satisfied by the time we does not want to be satisfied.
badi badi khushiya hai choti choti bato mai,
aisa jeevan hai yeh jaise sapan salona,
rote rote hasna seekho
It can happen in all our relations, with a partner, friends, family, short and longer relations, even a short meeting….
It’’s because we expect always something of the other. Something that we made up in OUR minds. But you are you and the other is someone else. Start with not expecting anything of anybody, never and it will become a lot easier. I know, it sounds very cold and without any feeling, but that is not the meaning. Respect means to let the other free and accept another meaning. And only think, okay, that’’s you ! Kissssssssss
( sorry for my Englisch, I”m not a native speaker)
A very true post…….and a riveting one after a long time. Keep going!
people do live even with 100 reaasons to die and no great reasons to live ! why ? what ever it is - even if life sucks - it is worth a lifetime to be alive ! and death is no solution as u dont know what happens after that . Known devil is better than an unknown frnd , no? Why does life suck ? because it does not fit ur preconsived ideas of life , no? then change the ideas , and suit it with what life is - u will suck life then - no? when people r together they feel lonely , when they are seperate they feel looonely. Expect to be alone - u feel less lonely .SOME THEORY ! EVOLVED JUST NOW!!!
The only place I know life sucks is in the Duck Pond. Life is really miserable in the duck pond :)))))))))))))
Maybe I am an alien -but I am happy with my life - sure it does suck sometimes - like everything else - but then not all the time - imagine if everything was hunky dory - I rather live my life with all its ups and downs - imagine a day without a night, an ocean without water, sky without clouds -dang what a life that would be :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
“It’s just that I’m habituated to living, and don’t have a great reason to die.” IS A FANTASTIC LINE. I don”t really know if life in itself is as sad and depressing and meaningless as you make out to be (and to be selfishly honest I hope I don”t ever reach a point where I think I know) BUT tis true that as humans we definitely feel total confusion and loneliness suddenly even in the midst of great happiness and intimacy. Sometimes it makes me wonder if its just the soul that causes this. That really I am not Anil Goel. That I am someone or something that has chosen to express itslef through Anil Goel in this birth, in this Act….perhaps its those moments when the soul emerges distincly from the form and existence it has taken in this life and realises how temporal or unimportant the flesh and blood existence is…that is the only thing i can think of…why else would someone going through a great phase with a great life also feel totally lost in moments
Well said….not only with couples but I think it happens within family members n sometimes with friends too…………………………..n may be sometimes fm ourownself!!?? No/Yes I m confused??
Enjoyed your ramblings and found them true to a gr8 extent. unlimately their is an I(s)lander in each one of us. Kathani ek hi hai, bhasha alag-alag hai… It’’s not black and white but s lot of greys in between (infact, I made my DS while I was in a similar mood). And yes, FG boy what are these comments and personal attacks… some people really hate you man! May be something wrong with me, why don”t I find your posts ”offensive” enuf? I wonder.
Guess what…shit may STINK, but its manure, its fertilizer and it is warm until it becomes fertilizer…its the same shit that keeps u alive when hell freezes over…think abt it…
Man, are you angry or what? Keep cool..:)
im not married nor have a girl friend… am i lucky one here?
hhahaha krishna i read all the comments! u sure do rake a controversy! we all like to air our views including myself. wat damn hypocrites nad shammers we all are. Ah if only life could smile and talk……..! i wonder wat secrets it would hold bare?wat passions it would unclthe?
wat naked truths would hide in shme
ah life do not talk…..hush thy truth neath hypocricys clak, shed they tears under the shadow of false complacency! ah life snile not coz I do not !
Wonderful, the first glimmer of FG letting the truth surface instead of papering it over with ”entertaining” creativity!! May one hazard a guess regarding our difficulties - that we lead inauthentic lives? Too much of the superficial smoothness - the oohs and the aahs - render us incapable of tackling those deeper hooks in our minds. Spirituality, anyone??
Hey FG, it’’s indeed a thought provoking post. Many seem to hide their lonliness in the garb of blogs. But thi thing called annonimity in bloggosphere helps people to come out with the emotions, which they would not have shared with anyone otherwise. About the song mentioned, it’’s my favourite. But I think the line goes like this ” Dil hai toh dhadakne kaa bahaanaa koee dhoondhe. Patthar ki tarah yeh bhi toh bejaan saa kyon hai?”
Learn the difference between seeking freshness in a relationship and seeking a fresh relationship. What takes a moment of insanity to throw away, takes years of nurturing to build. The human mind is blessed with the ability to accept what it so desires - no logic required. Dont try to fix whats not broke.
…. and that’’s what keeps us together, a decision by default than by anything else…
How true! We begin with some ideas and ideals and goals too… For some times it’’s the Honeymoon period, both figuratively and literally. Then start the minor spats and the scales gradually fall from our eyes… ”Is this what I”d bargained for?” we start asking ourselves… And the gap starts widening, leaving two people on two opposoite banks, seemingly together but miles apart, and the gap ever widenig, yawning, with occasional moments of fulfilment. We have loved a concept when starting out on the illusory journey called conjugal bliss and when we wake up from the dream we are so fare down the erroneous path that there is no going back. Then reality hurts like a ton of bricks and we are scared stiff to admit our mistakes. The kids, the responsibilities and topping it all is the realisation that starting again is going to be as futile and erroneous as the first time… the comfort levels of the same old differences are now suiting us so well that we”re afraid of venturing out again a
agree with u..honest and introspective….expectations is such an important word in relationships…inseperable n nerver fulfilled..ha, ha, ha.
Yeah… true Ghost… The truth that lies beneath all the lies! We all are looking for an ear to whisper the pain.. a heart to share the feelings, a shoulder to lean on.. a hand to hold on! Unknowingly searching for a companion.. when a companion is waiting for you.. just a heart beat away! Where are we heading towards Ghost? Are we on the right path… or on the wrong? Why can’t we create such a bond with our own companion Ghost..?! Why to an unknown distant person? And I always fear.. this will also fade as the picture drawn in water.. when we come closer.. when we see each other.. when we know each other! And.. life will go on.. leaving it all behind! Ah..!
contd…2
Whatever in my limited knowledge could understand from this post is that ,we ”expect”. ”Expectation” is highlighted.I may be wrong but this is what i understood. Please correct me if i am wrong.k? ”Expectation” is what is the bone of contention here. I may be wrong,or may be not…but feel that why only marriage just in any relation ship if u stop expecting any thing in return,u feel happy and content. I often say,”Marriage” is neither a ”contract” nor a ”give and take”,simply because it smacks of a compromise.To me ”marriage” is a compliment,this relationship is complimentary. So be it. As I said before,the issue is very ‘’subjective” one and I hold no view as a final view. I am open to any and all interpretations and hold nothing against anyone who hold a contradictory view. Regards.PI.
Hello! I initially wanted to return a compliment of your visiting my page…but,then I read your this post. But before I continue,do forgive my arrogance to ask ,r u my friend? I am asking this because I am very forgetful. But arrogant, NO WAY! K? Having said that,I find your post interesting. Interesting in a sense that it is ”introspecting”. I too am a married man for 15 16 years (I am not that old but we got married at too early an age ,Iwas just barely 24 and my wife just 22,but life had been good for me). This subject interests me a lot for the simple reason that ,it is very ‘’subjective”. It is ‘’subjective” so it is interpreted in a ‘’subjective” way. Marriage is not a definitional word.It is the experience. Good,Bad or Bitter depends on what our experience has been so far…
to be contd.
(Please I take my Space and time when i comment)
how many of us marry, because we needed a partner? Many of us just needed a helping hand(take your pick, domestic, financial, professinal ….), many of us did, bowing to social, family or peer presure etc. Isin”t it? If this is so, what else to expect, marriage will suc……………………………
Cocoon is an interesting Freudian word - overheated, inward looking” undeveloped and expectant. A coitus-like metaphor for the macrocosm of a cloistered life seeking solace in the misery of numbers and finding comfort in the succintness of songs that elevate pain to a state of virtue. Alas!
Let me quote from Khalil Gibran’’s wisdom in The Prophet for all ye who despair.
He says: Let there be spaces in your togetherness; Love one another but make not a bond of loving;Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf;Sing and dance and be joyous but let each one of you be alone;Even as the strings of the lute are alone, though they quiver with the same music; For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’’s shadow
Hey hey, hello. God created the world with opposites so we humans could better understand it. To know in, well, then there must be an out. For there to be a high, must be a low…….Hot, cold………Light, dark……you follow. Well, you can only know when things really suck when you have seen bliss too.
This is as good as it gets. (One of my favourite patients is now dying, now that sucks. But I have great sorrow only as the balance for the incredible love I have shared over the last 18 months) Laugh and cry cause this is your life. Take care, wishing you the best. (Lucky me gets 2 days totally lonesome on a quiet lake with a book- Shantaram, my ipod, and just me barefoot and carefree tending to a little crackling campfire, swimming at night when the water is warmer than the night air, a million stars above….this is heaven, but I went thru hell to get there.)
Agree with part of the problem arising from high expectations: blame the novels n movies for raising hopes of a ‘’soulmate”, only for reality to come along and puncture the hopes!
A couple of tips that may work for you (& others out there facing a mid-life search for ”meaning”): First, take short breaks now & then: not family breaks, rather breaks from family. I find a couple of days away from wife/kids has a magical effect on how much I care. Second, cultivate a hobby. Many of us Indians grow up so focused on acads, job, family that we find ourselves without a serious hobby. By the time we wake up to the need to have something other than work/family to hold our interest, becomes necessary to consciously invest time/money in cultivating a hobby. Given the payoffs though, I”d recommend the investment strongly!
honest one krish. we all come across this kind of feelings once in a while, but in the end we know what is real and we move with it.
Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely.
hahah i am notbull shitting krishna! if this is a temporary rant I am ok with it. we all feel like this at times. Butas apermanat view i do not agree. And it is not the ideal BUT the REAL situation REAl and PRAVCTICAL
Dear Savi is talking about the real, but exceptionally ”Real” conditions I think… also…. ”Ideal” to an extent… :O) What say? But experiences differ!
a very honest blog…
hmmm…. that WAS an honest bit of writing about what most of us married couples go through… tho” we may not always broadcast it. Yup, the fabric of marriage is never all white, there are greys and blacks that creep through and discolour what white is there…but then life is all about compromises. and looking for a balance between the greys and the whites. And I agree with Shyama, that being away might enable you to look at it with different eyes, and probably appreciate it better/ regret it less bitterly. Take heart.
Wow. That is a very honest and powerful piece of writing and an insight into marriage that very few married people give the world!
Thank you!
hai hai , what a reality u hv told , ecah and every word is more than true , keya aap ready ho to share ur immotion with any body ? then am sending my application ………………ha ha ha ha …..very gud post .
Appreciate life FG.. I liked what savi said.. “if life sucks you let it suck!”
hi anonymous…I saw you too late..well we both seem to agree. And hey..you a shayar??? ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I better catch you soon hahaha . krishna., I agree with Ah.. arewe making it happen? what is our role??
aaaila! I cannot empathise here at all. You see,My father was in the army but very tradition bound. We girls were brought upa sthe ideal convent educated, homely girls. WE had NO (absolutely NO) expectations from marriage. We are 3 sisters and all are happy (touch wood ) . maybe the secret lies in NOT expecting?? Marriage is NOt necessarilya bringing together of the spirit, mind, and emotions. There is SO MUch more ina marriage apart from the adjustment between two individuals.
Life sucks if you let it suck!! …true there are areas where marriage might not be a fiit like nutand bolt, but well look at the areas it fits!!!
tumhara gulamho gaya dost…….today i recollect a bolg by samprati(then prachi) and your response in it.it sucks…..it really sucks…..,dont know abt other things…but marriage really sucks if are still longing emotionally.thats what brought me here…..and the undertones in the blogs of yours and saakshii and prachi….made me identify with them.and the illusion,which is shattered in marriage,holds good here….just for the no strings attached factor.yeah i do need a break..we all need a break….it makes me happy to be here…to read you all….smiling at the hot undertones…….lol.its our stealth paradise.!
Is this what’’s called a mid-life crisis? If you”re in the 40s zone, perhaps it is. Anyway, I found it a very nice articulation of angst.
“Even Lovers need a Holiday… Far away… From each other…!!” :O) But you know friendly… A Couple like my Aai-Baba, never want a Holiday from eachother… even after being together for more than 50 years… They have become One now… :O) So, they be alone also togehter! ;O) Too ideal to imagine na? Hence I empathise with you….
To add to yr list .. seene mein sulagte hain armaan .. aankhon mein udasi chayi hai !! There is a lot of honesty and truth in the post .. bitter truth if I may add!! But then .. when u look at it more closely n minutely .. are we not fogetting to count the blessings we have .. is it not possible to make the most of wht he have? Are we doing our bit to make it happen? Nice post !! Cheers!!
*bows* the best piece on marriage written this year mate !! (seldom people can type such apt words with so much of feeling.. how long did it take you to write this btw?)
You are absolutely right we all go thru these phases some time or the other. Feeling lonely and sometimes wanting to be alone on a trip alone somewhere far from everything! I guess u have to leave to know what u have - a bird’’s eye view of your life your cocoon! A couple of days away may be the answer for you!