Sameera Nandi's blog

From the past few days it feels like I have sunk into a pit of funk. I am aware of this and I want to get myself out of it. But so far, my attempts have been futile. Where has all my optimism and joi de vivre ( I hope I got that right) ..you know..zest for life. Why am I seeing the glass as half empty now? Why am I expecting disastrous things to happen to me instead of good things? It defies logic. But I know life isn’t logical or reasonable. Neither am I. I can be unreasonable, over-emotional, impetuous crazy woman.

I do get in this kind of state pretty regularly. But, I usually shake it off in a couple of days, but this time, the state is pretty stubborn. I ‘m having trouble shaking it off. It all started with one thing and my fear and tension with how things can go wrong there. Although there is no evidence of things having actually taken a turn for the worse, my imagination is getting ahead of itself with all kinds of doomsday scenarios.

The worst part is that, this kind of thinking has extrapolated to other aspects in my life as well. So, what I have at hand is a kind of gloom and doom attitude. It’s like the Deatheaters from Harry Potter have sucked life’s joy out of me. I so hate it. This is not how I want to be. I hate this expecting bad things to happen when I even get a slightest hint that things aren’t going as planned. The only good thing is that I am aware of this and I do want to change the way I am reacting to the world around me. This means all is not lost. I still can get my “mojo” back.

This is a “rant” post. Has it ever happened to you, that you are having fun and the time of your life and are suddenly gripped with the fear of losing it. Someone rightly said, it is only they that have much to lose that are afraid. I find myself in that position. I am more happy now than I have been in a very long time. Not completely 100% happy (who is?). The key word is “more”. 

But despite being happy in the moment, I do have my niggling doubts and worries. There is still quite some unresolved issues in my life. Issues that I have pushed into the background and chosen to forget. But they are very much there and I cannot ignore them forever. Perhaps, I am being reminded of them and that is why I worry. 

I worry that things will change, for the worse maybe. Now, why would I want to think a negative thing like that. I have conditioned myself to try and stay positive, but time and again, I do succumb to bouts of negativity. I tell myself that it is just me being realistic. I try and tell myself that “everything is going to be alright”. Sometimes I believe that, other times, I lose sleep thinking of the bad things that could befall me. 

I am aware that I have this habit of overanalyzing. I realize that this doesn’t help. It sometimes makes matters worse. But at times, I am just not able to control the wheels of my head from spinning in the direction that don’t do me any good. But as long as I am not in denial and am aware, I think I have some chance of stopping myself from going that way. 

And who said that one has to be Happy all the time. I think that is damn unrealistic. It is but natural to have moments when one feels down and moments when one feels like they are soaring. 

If not anything writing all this has helped to clear my head somewhat. Made me aware of the direction of my thoughts. I know, rationally, that worrying doesn’t help. I can prepare myself to the best of my ability and hope for a positive outcome. Fingers crossed that it will be. If things don’t work out the way I wish they would, well, it wont be the first time. I shall dust myself off and get up again. That sounds like a plan! Do my best and hope for the best and not cry too much if it doesn’t happen. Life is like that. You don’t get everything that you wish for. Or do you?

I am returning to iland after ages and it looks like this forum is nearly dead. No one seems to be blogging here. Its a pity. It was a very nice and active blogging community, once upon a time.

Updates from me. I am still in the Netherlands. Like I mentioned in one of my previous posts, the one big advantage ( I think) of being in mainland Europe is that I can visit many of the beautiful places in Europe. The maximum travel time by air is 2 hours.

I finally went to the land of Bohemia. Yes! Indeed! There is a place called Bohemia (or used to be called that).It is now part of the Czech Republic.  I didnt know that when I chose my moniker - bohemian girl.I didnt go to Bohemia per se, but close by. I visited Prague.

The place is absolutely beautiful. It is pretty and it is small enough to actually walk from one end to the other. The cobbled streets and the bridges on the river Vtlava make it so picturesque. Walking through the various alleys and streets, I felt like I was walking in a fairy tale. Every house is pretty. There is a castle and lovely churches. And the special Charles bridge with its statues of saints. I could go on and on and on.

On the personal front, there is absolutely no progress with Mc Dreamy. Now I feel like I am flogging a dead horse. Its been more than 5 months since I last saw him. From the looks of it, the chances of me meeting him is really dim. So, it is a rational decision to back off. No sense in chasing something that is so beyond one’s reach. Maybe the monk was right

Perhaps there is another Mc Dreamy there somewhere. Someone more accessible. Someone made just for me. Sigh!!

Finally, after almost 10 months here in Amsterdam, I got to see a decent Bollywood flick on the big screen. Those who know me, know that I like watching movies in the theatre, on the big screen. As opposed to TV or laptop. I have been mostly out of touch with what is happening on the Hindi movie scene. I have watched a few movies, either online or downloaded. But like I said, the enjoyment is not quite the same and sinking into a nice cushy seat and watching it on the big screen. 

ZNMD, directed by Zoya Akthar is a film about male bonding and gives some gyaan about living life and pursuing one’s dreams. The film definitely has its moments. Farhan Akhtar is brilliant. Hrithik looks as gorgeous as ever. Abhay Deol ( one of my favourite pin up guys) could have been utilized better. Somehow he didn’t shine so bright in this movie. Katrina is the babe that she is. She and Hrithik made an unbelievably hot jodi. On the downside, I thought the length of the film was a bit much. Maybe I am influenced by the length of English movies I have been watching latelty (HP is an exception…long movie). I think Zoya could have made the film shorter by a good half hour. This is a movie made on the concept of the great “road trip”. The basic premise of the movie is nothing new. Carpe Diem – sieze the day and all that. How we ought to stop existing and start living. 

One thing is for sure, it did inspire me to check out some adventure sports. I don’t know to swim, but now I am very tempted to try scuba diving. Bungee jumping and maybe even sky diving. Barcelona is on the list of travel destinations. Maybe Madrid too. I still haven’t been to that part of the world. Spain, Portugal, here I come…[i.e. when I have enough money saved up J] 

As I mentioned in my previous post, summer is a misnomer here. It’s been raining and its cold here this July. But from yesterday, there have been no rains and I am praying that it should continue so. We could do with some sunshine and warm weather. Amsterdam is crawling with tourists as of now. Good weather will help them enjoy their vacation. I , for one, have to work for my living. No long vacations like these European folks. The daily grind from 9-5 it is. The only vacation I have is the weekend. That’s when I can go where I want and go see some places. That way, I can go visit any city in Europe over the weekend. The longest flight would be about 2-3 hrs. That is what I have been doing. But now, when I look at the way my colleagues holiday, I think 2 days is too less to do justice to some of these beautiful places. One should stay for atleast a week. That would be a holiday in the true sense. 

I am grateful that I working here. But the downside to that is I get very limited leaves. So my bosses would never sanction a week long leave to roam around. But, I am thankful for whatever I do have. I live within reach of many a lovely place and I can go explore them, if only on weekends. I could not have dreamt of doing that back in India.

So, its all good.

It has been quite a non happening month since my solo trip to the Greek islands and Istanbul. The weather in Amsterdam has been tricky to say the least. I am looking up to the skies and thinking, this is supposed to be summer. But we have been having rains and cloudy weather for most part of June. It does not pour like in Mumbai. Here it is just grey and bleak weather with a drizzle. I would take the torrential rain any day, but this isnt India.

Thankfully, after several weekends of bad weather (read rains and grey skies), we had a bit of sunshine this weekend. But let the sun and blue skies not fool you. It can be quite windy and the chill creeps in from no where. Nevertheless I was glad to be out. I was glad it wasnt drizzling. No wonder the Europeans have so many songs about blue skies and sunshine. It is because they see so little of it

There was a Thailand event happening in the City Center. So I went there with a friend of mine. They had food stalls and had a put up a stage , where they were doing some typical Thai dances. We tried some Thai street food. That is when we saw a monk sitting in one of the tents. He seemed to be some kind of fortune teller. It appeared as though he was doing plmistry. We were kind of apprehensive if he spoke any English at all. On a whim, we decided to consult this Thai soothsayer and know our fortune.

I spoke very slowly so he could understand my question. He kind of nodded his head. And said “You want to know about man”. I eagerly nodded back saying “Yes! Yes! tell me do you see it working with my Mc Dreamy?” Now, I do not know what the lines in my hand said to the monk. He looked at them and at me and said “NO!” Oh!! Woe is me :-(  But seriously, I knew that it was a No, it was logical. There is too much distance between Mc Dreamy and me.

Despite what the monk predicted, I am not able to give up on McDreamy just yet. I think it is a sweet dream to have. I think the future is yet to happen and as long as there is a tomorrow, i should not give up on the possibility of something happening. Who knows, maybe some time down the line, the distance will crumble and I will have a moment or maybe more than that.  So, that is what I am going to do, i am going to keep dreaming, till the dreams dont come back to haunt me. Let the Universe do the rest. What say?

I am more happy now than I have been in a long time. Its nice to be doing things you dreamed of. Since several years I have been dreaming of visiting some places. Istanbul for one. I  remember seeing the white houses with blue windows of Greece in the movie Chalte Chalte.  A few days back I took a trip to all these beautiful places. It was a dream come true for me.

I was quite skeptical if I could do it on my own, but I did. I saw it through from start till finish. I planned the trip. The travel and the hotels. What I would see, how I would move around everything. This is longest solo trip I have taken so far. Come to think of it,  I am quite proud of myself for making it happen. My colleagues and friends are quite surprised that I went all by myself. To places I had never been to before and especially Istanbul J I guess many people felt Turkey was not a very safe place for the lone woman traveler.

But I am very happy to report that I didn’t experience anything unpleasant in Turkey or elsewhere. It was altogether awesome. I had a wonderful time. I went to Mykonos. I could pretty much walk around most of the island without breaking a sweat. Before I left Amsterdam some of my friends gave me this nugget of GK about Mykonos. That it is a gay paradise. But I didn’t see anything too “gay”. Whatever I did see was beautiful. Lovely azure sea , the old Parapotiani church, the little Venice. All “heel mooi” as they would say in Dutch.

Then I got onto a ferry and headed for Santorini. And Santorini, my friends, totally took my breath away. I am not much of a beach and sea kind of person. I would like to think of myself as more of a mountains and lake kind of gal. But, Santorini seems to combine the beauty of both. There is sun, sand and sea. It is also at a considerable height, being an island formed due to a volcanic eruption. I cannot quite find the words to describe the sea surrounding this beautiful island. Its clear and a combination of so many shades of blue. It just took my breath away.

I stayed at a small family run hotel. The husband and wife who run the place were very kind to come and receive me at the port. I think that is one nice service that any hotel can offer its patron. Pick up from the airport/ station. Anyways, back to Santorini. It has some fabulous and hatke beaches. Black lava beaches. A red beach because of the iron deposits in the area and normal beaches too.

Although I arrived there in spring (May-June), there were plenty of tourists. The Americans and Europeans and also Asians ( Japanese, Chinese, Philipino). The sun was blazing. Frankly, I am not all that fascinated by intense sun. But I climbed up the active volcano and took the day long boat cruise. And watched the sunset at Oiia. It was marvelous. Like I am in a picture postcard.

Then on to Athens. I gave myself just one day there and now in hindsight feel that a city so steeped in history like Athens deserves more time to b explored. The Arcroplis and Parthenon left me filled with awe. It is a beautiful place. I am definitely returning. From Athens, I went to Istanbul.

Istanbul, the only capital city spanning two continents, Europe and Asia. Its remarkable. You know what I felt most in that city. It is so much like India. I wished I had seen the mosques in Delhi. The Mughal type influence can be seen in the big mosques like the Sultanehmet Mosque or Blue mosque with its six minarets. What I found most remarkable was the Aya Sophia.  It started out as a Byzantine church with mosaic walls with Christian icons. Then these mosaics got painted over with Islamic texts and now the church/ mosque is converted into a museum. It has a large imposing dome and there on the North (I think) wall is a mosaic of Madonna and Jesus and on the walls of the Aya Sophia you have huge plaques with verses from the Koran. It is a sight to be seen. Istanbul was truly exotic and I almost felt like I was back home, in Mumbai. The peddlers, the street smart sellers of wares all reminded me of Mumbai.

I started the post saying that I am happier than I was before. It is not just the travels or the experience of being in an alien land. It is the whole experience of being away from home and meeting people from different nationalities. Somehow being here gives me a tremendous sense of freedom. Maybe that is what makes my heart so happy and joyous. I do not question “Why?”. I am just grateful..that I AM…

P.S. : The title of the post is the title of a song, by Amy Mc Donald. For those who listen to Angrezi songs

Thank you, all who stopped by, when I had taken a break from blogging. Saying that I was busy with other things will be why. And what brings me back?

The blues. The blues tend to make me do 2 things, mope, booze and on a more positive mode, makes me want to write about. So what or who has brought me the blues? Its mostly a “who”.

Some background here. I have had a wonderful stay here in the Netherlands. It was very ,very cold when I got here in October. A huge climatic change from the hot and sultry Mumbai to freezing Amsterdam. But somehow I survived the winter months. And now spring is here and life is good. [More on that in another blog]

I promise not to disappear yet again and shall give you all the dope. Coming back to the reason for my blues. Its a guy. A real Mc Dreamy guy with a killer smile. I turn into a puddle of mush each time I see his smile. I cannot recall the last time I have fallen so hard for anyone. Just being in his presence gave me a natural high

But, around February end, I was moved to another project and I do not see him around anymore. More is the pity. So, all I do is try and chat up with him on the office communicator. My attempts to get him to go out with me have resulted in zilch. As of today, I know he is attending an event somewhere close to my office. I am finding it so difficult to just sit tight and not go out there , hoping to catch a glimpse of him.

But that is exactly what I am doing. As much as I am enamoured by Mr Mc Dreamy, I also know not to go around behaving like a love lorn, giddy teenager (although I feel a lot like that). So, that is what I am suffering from at this moment. Blues might have been not entirely accurate. Its a combination of blues and frustration I suppose.

And all I need to feel better is to see that gorgeous smile. And I do not know when the heavens will bless me with that. Till then I shall live in the memory of that lovely smile and the very lovely Mc Dreamy.

Around 10 days ago, I had to pack my bags in a hurry and here I am. In Holland or Netherlands. In Amsterdam.  When I say Amsterdam, people roll their eyes because this place is known for some naughty things.

Anyhow, so far, I have been trying to fight the cold. From a humid and sultry Mumbai, I have come to a place where on the first day the temperature was 2 degrees celsius. Brrrrrrrrr…. It sure is very cold. It is a nice change from the sweat and dust of Mumbai,but believe you me, fighting teh cold is quite a challenge. They say it will get colder.

I have found myself a nice serviced apartment. It is a bit pricey. Everything seems pricey here
It is still early days. So far, the going aint bad.

I shall keep you guys posted.

It has been a while since my last blog post. The thing is that I wanted to write about something different and unusual and nothing like that seems to be happening with me. So, I guess I shall write about the ordinary and mundane things. Maybe setting parameters beats the whole idea of blogging. To start with, I just wrote whatever was on my mind. I didn’t bother whether the topic was interesting or not. I just wrote to find some kind of release.

I had a quiet weekend. No movies even. Suddenly I am questioning the urge to see at least one movie in the theatres. You cannot blame me. From a price of Rs 150 or so sometime back, the multiplexes are charging around 300 bucks per ticket. Somehow, the last few movies that I watched didn’t seem to be worth the money I was spending to watch them in theatre. Add the money spent on auto and then the overpriced snacks and popcorns. Watching movies in the theatres has become a pricey affair.

I do prefer watching movies on the big screen, but these days I have started watching flicks on DVDs and from download. There are several movies especially foreign flicks that never get a theatre release out here. So, the only option is to watch them on DVD. I have just recently started making my own collection of movies. I started with Roger Ebert’s pick of top ten movies of last year. I have watched most of them by now.

I don’t know what it is about the movies that make me an addict. Maybe it is escapism. Maybe I’m a sucker for a good story. Speaking of stories, as a student, I used to be a voracious reader. From Enid Blyton, Nancy Drew and Hardy boys when I was a kid to Sidney Sheldon, John Grisham etc as I grew up. But these days, I hardly read. This is something that I truly regret. I do want to read books as I used to …but somehow do not. I do not know why. Is it because I have just become lazy? Maybe it’s because watching movies requires far less effort than reading a book. But the pleasure of reading a good book is something else.

The past few weekends, I have been my usual lazy self. During the weekdays, I imagine myself going places, doing loads of things on the weekend. But, come weekend, and I sleep till noon. I just loll around the house. Watch some TV and some DVDs and the weekend is already over!
This has been happening to me time and again. Watching movies and TV is all good, but I do feel very sluggish and lethargic if I don’t get out of my home. It could just be a visit to the nearby mall. I could just do some window shopping and return home.

There are so many places to go to and see in Mumbai. It is a shame that I sit at home throughout the weekend. The next weekend, I promise to go out and get some fresh air. Maybe that will help me to be in better spirits. But I do have doubts about how I will manage in the heat. Rains have stopped in Mumbai and it is officially hot. Time to keep the umbrellas away and bring out the glares. But get out I will, even if it kills me. Watch this space 