BreathlessAnt's Blog

In a relatively brief spell of time, you”ve lost so much - most of your near and dear ones, faith, hope, and you”re heading to losing your life!

First, your eldest brother Ar - he died fighting valiantly for our country. He left behind a grieving widow S and two children A1 and A2, and of course his parents and siblings. Such a sad day it must have been for all of you - and especially for your parents who lost their first born in Kargil. You tell me your father - himself a much decorated Armyman, broke down at Ar”s funeral. And then, what he must have gone through as he received his son”s posthumous honor - the gallantry award at the hands of the President!

Next left both your parents - that too in that horrible, dastardly attack on foreign soil. What kind of revenge was this? Operation Bluestar was a necessity to curb Sikh terrorism at its worst. Remember that our valiant soldiers were forced to go into Harmandir Sahib to smoke out the cowardly terrorists who were hiding within!

That wasn”t all - your younger brother Ab too was killed in action at Kargil. His widow An was carrying their child in her womb when this tragedy struck. A3 did not even get to see his father. And who could have even imagined that An would be so tragically taken away in that accident last year? When Ar passed away, at least there was S who squared her shoulders and joined the work force to look after her two kids. After Ab and An”s death, A3 was left wholly orphaned. Without an iota of hesitation, S took him under her protective wings. And it was your fond hope and strong desire to adopt A3 and look after him.

And then Kismet”s dice rolled directly against you!

During your visit to the UK, you experienced health problems that required a visit to the Hospital. “It is cancer” they said and advised immediate surgery. You returned to India, visited several doctors - then took the decision to fight right back. All by yourself, you got admitted to the hospital and underwent surgery - there was no one to look after you there, and no one to get home cooked food for you. After the operation, you were advised chemotherapy. Worried about its side effects, you sought a second opinion. The good doctor told you that this option was unnecessary. One major error of judgement here - and about seven months later, cancer reared its angry head once again. A series of tests confirmed that the cancer was now at a very advanced stage. Chemotherapy could at the most prolong life by a few months. You decided to forego that option.

During the time your life is yours (3 months from now, you”re told?), you want to fulfill all your personal and official responsibilities. You”ve already quit your job! Do you recall how hard you strived to reach this position? How tirelessly you worked to achieve your targets? Alas - you”ve no option now but to move on - your aching body can”t handle the stress, the constant traveling not just across the city but to all corners of the country. You do go there once in a while to guide your colleagues through some problem areas. You”re helping your friend set up his business - you go and work with him through the afternoon and evening. You manage all this through the unimaginable pain that you are somehow gritting your teeth and bearing. You can”t take the sulpha drugs, so you”ve now taken recourse to ayurvedic medication and pranik healing to reduce the intensity of pain. You”d rather work than sit at home idly, I understand that would be so much tougher to handle. Work takes your mind of the pain. Work is your crutch now.

In the finite time at your disposal now, I understand you want to do some of the things you like. I am so glad you made that trip to your village near Kochi - the peace of mind, the contented feeling you got there. You”ve expressed to me that you”d like to be there when it”s time to die. I hope you”ve told that to your other friends with whom you”re going to move in soon. Once you”ve sold your house here and transferred the money in the names of your nieces and nephews.

You”re worried about how your nieces and nephews will manage given the absence of father figures in their life? What will happen to A3 as he grows up? He”s lost both parents!? With time, could there be a slight change in treatment he receives? You trust S implicitly - but after all she is human. What if, with time, things change and there is a slight change in circumstances? You don”t want A3 to feel unwanted, unloved!

I understand you”re reliving some of the good and sad moments of your life. Growing up with your elder brother Ar whom you hero-worshipped and the younger one Ab so much closer to you! The laughter, the games, the shared confidences, the loves, the heartbreaks - all of these playing through your pain wrenched brain.

Intermittently you turn towards music - from your vast collection of songs, your hand somehow reaches out to play just the sad songs, over and over again - especially those that take you through your own experiences and heartbreaks.

Thoughts about A: you say you”ve got over her. Yet I can see that the wound she left is still bleeding. Your eyes reflect the pain inside them - as you avoid looking into mine lest I get a glimpse of what”s inside. “How could she not trust me? And why is she behaving so childishly now? Why is she reaching out through those multiple aliases?” I tell you, my friend, give her a chance - she doesn”t know you”ve cancer that you”re dying. She may have said some harsh things to you, without meaning them. You know how lovers” tiffs are! We all say things we don”t really mean! Yet you refuse her overtures. You”re so stubborn, my dear friend!

Just a few more things now - No false hopes or assurances!

Worry not about what will happen after you are gone. Things will fall into place, trust me, they always do. Time heals all wounds, don”t forget that! Life is all about loving, losing, and moving on. Individuals don”t matter, it”s the continuity of the gene pool that has brought humanity to where it is today. Trust nature. You know all of us are going to die some day. We are born so that someday we may die. Let go of your worries and compulsions, and be ready to move on - head held high, knowing you”ve done most of what you had set out to and done it WELL.

Trust your gut instinct about S - she will treat all the children equally as her own. A3 will grow up with a loving mother and two siblings. Your sister D is just a wee bit far geographically - I”m sure she and her family will come down and visit with S and the kids as often as they can. And her daughter M will also grow closer to these three, I tell you. Tragedies have a way of binding people closer together.

Worry not, about their financial situation. All of you have left enough to look after their creature comforts, their education - so rest easy! They have more than enough to get by - they will get a good education, make good careers for themselves - perhaps even enter the Armed Forces! Wouldn”t that be great?