One of my fiance’s cousins is getting married this Sunday. (The word ‘fiance’ still gives me the goosies. I can’t believe I’m getting married. ME!?!) Anyhoo…his cousin’s wedding is conveniently timed for me to meet all his relatives in an informal setting before I meet our own Sagan and Barat ceremonies.But my Sunday evening will not be the quiet relaxation that I’d planned. In fact I haven’t had a break in weeks. I’m thinly spread over work and a hundred little wedding preps. I’m still settling in to the new home I moved into a couple of weeks ago. I moved there a little before the wedding as I was staying alone anyway and this way I’ll get some time to settle in and find a maid (maid… ah! the luxury of living in India).
Its typical of an Indian marriage that the girl leaves her parents’ home and moves in with the husband. Our arrangement, however, is in reverse gear. I’ve been living alone for several years. So he will be the one leaving his parents’ home to move into this new house with me. What is it about bidais anyway? Are marriages so tearful in other cultures too?
I did my crying when we first started talking about marriage. Suddenly I realised that I would enter a new family. But I wouldn’t be leaving an old family because I don’t stay with them anyway. So where do I stay? Where is my home? Who would miss me?
These questions opened the floodgates for catharsis that had held back for years. I cried non-stop for a month.
When I first moved out of my parents’ home my father had patted my shoulder with the words, “You’re on your own now!” We never shed a tear, never missed each other and never looked back to regret the cold goodbye. And on my own I’ve been. The loneliness that I had evaded through all these years of guarded adventure rushed in at the thought of marriage.
But it is even stranger for my him (please, spare me the f-word goosies). He has strong loving bonds with his family. Even in my first meeting with them I felt the warmth of their open hearts envelope me in a cozy invisible embrace. Their lives are rich with harmonious interpersonal dynamics. And yet, God has arranged things in a way that he must be separated from his family as we get married. So as the tearful bidai will unfold for my side of the family, his family’s hearts will in ache silence. It will be a poignant moment for both sides in those wee hours of the morning as we drive off to our new home after the pheras.
Ironic, that weddings are a celebration of love.
find guru is a service that helps you to find your teacher in everything,from everywhere. Just type what do you want to learn and where do you want the location .find best rated tutors teachers and professors and rent books online for free http://www.find-guru.com http://www.find-teacher.com
And I am in a “habit” of calling jackasses, jackasses. That bit would be correct.
Also: I am not “angry”. I would only be angry with u had u had the intellect I”d have had reasonable respect for. But alas! That is not to be.
You are only irritating to me. Like a fly.
See Mr. Krishna? This is exactly your problem. You”re such a chauvinist, full of patriarchal ideas that u had to drag my husband into it too. What I mean is, u found it impossible to argue with me as an individual and dragged in my identity as a woman. You chose to criticise me on how u believe I must treat my husband and should thus be deserving of your ridicule. How I treat my husband, is a separate issue.
The problem with people like u is that u believe that if a woman has a mind of her own and speaks it, she must be a dominating wife and her husband should be felt sorry for.
Anyway: try and respond to this one without basing your response on my gender. Or is that too much to ask for?
BTW: you remain, in my mind, a jackass.
its people like this characterless krishna who seem to be jobless and take some perverse pleasure in posting here daily with personal comments abt ppl’’s lives, and that too all in his mind. most probly refugee from mental asylum. maybe we can all chip in to send him to some nice place where he will be properly treated for his mental disorder… hey krisna! ur saying amisha calls her husband ass. maybe lovingly, but how you know this personal detail of her life? are you a shameless spy also? have some shame at least… if you are married, god save ur wife! actually, its impossible to understand who will marry cheapo like you… you keep living with parents all ur life, cos they have no choice in choosing you for son. but no girl will choose u unless she’’s also mental. keep enjoying your idiotic dumbass state. that’’s what is sign of retard, that he feels himself normal and keeps enjoying… so you too enjoy ok by trying to irritate ppl as thats ur life purpose
if any peson is having problems with my comments he/she is free to close the box. why ask me to leave? ha ha … amisha ji, pls keep ur words safe fr ur husband … seems u are habitual of calling men an ass coz ur husband listens to it often… and yes i will be back again .. till then pls tease urself amisha… i know u r angry… and i m enjoying it…
hey DD.. hv a wonderful life ahead.. my best wishes.
and the comments section got soo hilarious!
its funny n amusing to see how one person’’s private life n her problems made others insecure abt their own beliefs !
Have faith in urself people. LIve n let live !
Krishna Ji,
Just when I thought there’’s no one in the world who can truly and fairly be called a jackass, I met you!
One lives and learns
A
What rubbish is this? Why is my post showing some kunal guys comments?? Rediff is simply crap site. no use typing all stuf once more.
Just read thru all comments quickly. krishna I think you need some therapy seriously. Otherwise why someone will keep coming back to be humiliated like this? Why someone has become so obsessed with a stranger’’s blog? anyone else who is a normal person would have left it alone by now, but you keep coming back like bad fungal infection. you love your family so go live with them… why you need to keep commenting here? it is painful to watch someone humiliate himself like this repeatedly. please go away from here if you have any shame and don”t keep repeating same old rubbish… go teach your law somewhere else and leave poeple here in peace. diva divine has only nice words for you and yet you keep returning to write junk. stop this junk business and go sleep somewhere. hope you will not return here again, else we will know you have some mental problem, so we can be sorry for you and not say anything more to your writing junk stuff here to make yourself happy. bye.
Just read thru all comments quickly. krishna I think you need some therapy seriously. Otherwise why someone will keep coming back to be humiliated like this? Why someone has become so obsessed with a stranger’’s blog? anyone else who is a normal person would have left it alone by now, but you keep coming back like bad fungal infection. you love your family so go live with them… why you need to keep commenting here? it is painful to watch someone humiliate himself like this repeatedly. please go away from here if you have any shame and don”t keep repeating same old rubbish… go teach your law somewhere else and leave poeple here in peace. diva divine has only nice words for you and yet you keep returning to write junk. stop this junk business and go sleep somewhere. hope you will not return here again, else we will know you have some mental problem, so we can be sorry for you and not say anything more to your writing junk stuff here to make yourself happy. bye.
Just read thru all comments quickly. krishna I think you need some therapy seriously. Otherwise why someone will keep coming back to be humiliated like this? Why someone has become so obsessed with a stranger’’s blog? anyone else who is a normal person would have left it alone by now, but you keep coming back like bad fungal infection. you love your family so go live with them… why you need to keep commenting here? it is painful to watch someone humiliate himself like this repeatedly. please go away from here if you have any shame and don”t keep repeating same old rubbish… go teach your law somewhere else and leave poeple here in peace. diva divine has only nice words for you and yet you keep returning to write junk. stop this junk business and go sleep somewhere. hope you will not return here again, else we will know you have some mental problem, so we can be sorry for you and not say anything more to your writing junk stuff here to make yourself happy. bye.
first try to ensure bare legal requirements by living with and loving the parents and then try to achieve “lofty” goals. u wrote that u did not miss ur father and u talk of “lofty” goals fr ur parents. stick to what u wrote.
I don”t expect u to discuss personal issues in a public forum (unless sharing with us will help u feel better), but I do pray that ur peace finds you - either within the comfort of age old traditions or among new and revolutionary lifestyles. They both have their virtues and dangers. The key is in finding our own individual balance. And accepting our differences with grace. May God’’s grace envelope u in its loving embrace.
Since most of ur passionate comments were completely unrelated to my post (esp. where u used the words “taunted and nagged”), I can”t help but wonder what ur heart is secretly longing for. Was it really something in my post that offended u or did some painful memory get stirred up reading it. Are u really arguing with other commentors of this post or battling some emotional deamons you really don”t want to face.
And for myself I pray for strong and respectful familial bonds that hold meaning, love, and respect that can weather changes not only in houses but even in civilisation. Relationships so meaningful that we recognise our soul family even when we meet them in another incarnation. My goals are lofty, Krishna Ji, and not restricted to bare minimum legal requirements or a definition of care that is restricted to the obligation of living under the same roof. Those are all incidental factors which, like I wrote in my post, God arranges. As He sees fit.
Krishna Ji, while laws are created to ensure basic hygiene factors, the human heart seeks far greater treasures. Yesterday’’s lofty ideals are today’’s basic etiquette. We simultaneously straddle the old and the new. To discard either means creating a generation gap. Someone is bound to get hurt.
While some commentors have made excellent logical arguments to counter ur comments, the trouble with logic is this: it is a natural human tendency to find a logic that supports our beliefs. One man’’s food is another man’’s poison. Wars continue to be fought in the world over differences in opinion where both countries” (or communities”) points of view are “logically sound”. For every argument it is possible find a counter argument just to make peace with our own life choices. The truth, however, is not black or white. To each one his own.
amisha, i cant give more sound logic. u said that u and ur husband live away from parents and are happy. i said, logically, that all cant afford that luxury. may be all dont have enough money. in that case, who will live with the couple? i said that it is the boy’’s parents because law demands it. u said that laws are disobeyed saying** there is enough that i wrong with them **. u mean to say i should disobey section 125 CrPC and neglect my parents? no. i cant. i will love my parents and at the same time i will obey law. law and moral values both binds one to respect parents. further u said both the couples” parents visit u and are equally welcome. i am saying it is very very good. but dear if u have to keep either of the parents then?? is it not ur husband’’s parents who will live with u? think and then call me names (if u r tempted). but dont expect that i will call u with names in annoyance. why should I in any case? if i m not able to argue i will leave.
Dear AS & Amisha **narrow-minded stuck-up morons** u wrote for me. and u say u r not abusive. i will still not abuse u. see what ppl have written for u. as for my arguments. i stick to my version that all parents are respectable and the law puts this liability on men. if AMISHA does not believe law, i cant argue with her.
*** In this country, homosexuality continues to be an offence *** she writes. it is not so. it is not a crime defined in IPC. Amisha ji, laws are made keeping society in mind. if u have a logic which u think is better than the existing laws, propose it. till then i will follow the Indian constitution and keep caring for my parents. if my wife calls her parents, they are welcome but i m not liable for their maintenance. as simple as that.
Meh. Same old hackneyed arguments being bandied about by people who seem to be bereft of new ideas. In any case, no use arguing with overtly dense people, esp. those who believe in constantly ignoring uncomfortable criticism of their words and keep moving to new topics just to keep an argument alive. Possibly stuff like this is the high point of their day, in which case I pity them, and would suggest they get a life. Amisha, you can hang around if you like, hoping for a “logically sound argument” to magically emerge from where there has been none so far. As for me, this is getting old and I”m outta here, ”cos I have far better things to do in life than argue with narrow-minded stuck-up morons. Cheers.
@Mr. Tripathi: Like Amisha said, you seem to have *no* idea what abuse really means. Believe me, if I started abusing you, you”d *know* you”ve been well and truly abused, so don”t tempt me. This whole thing started with you making baseless accusations against DD, saying - “you taunted him and nagged him to leave his parents … if there was any other reason, it is not written here”. Right, no other reason was mentioned, but neither was your completely made-up reason mentioned either. When I called you out on that and told you to stop trying to put words in her mouth, esp. since you had *no* knowledge of what really happened, you started discussing the law and conveniently forgot about your earlier cooked-up fantasy. Frankly, you seem to want to argue for the sake of argument, rather than actually wanting to make a point. For once, try and address the criticism rather than ignoring it, but maybe that’’s too much to ask of you. Enjoy preaching to the empty bleachers here.
And Krishna, I haven”t called u any names yet. However, if you don”t manage to come up with a logically sound argument to what I”ve said- I may be tempted to do so in my next post
Krishna, I”m sure you”re a very learned man with nothing but the good of all parents at heart. My simple point still remains however. As far as the laws are concerned, there is enough that i wrong with them. In this country, homosexuality continues to be an offence. Does that mean that it really isn”t right to be gay? (or maybe u shouldn”t answer that.)
Just because something is leagl, does not make it fair or morally right. There is a diffference. I have no idea what the law says, but I can tell u what rationality and fairness say.
And I”ve already told u that.
**i have written that girls”””” parents dont deserve respect**.. it was a typo mistake. the line was **i have not written that girls parents dont deserve respect**. please omit me.
now its fine. u now talk sense. section 125 will lay the responsibility on the girls if only there is no boy in the family and if u see my post for amisha, i have clarified it. i have never written anything against the girls. if i have, please point it out. u urself say u r not a lawyer. but the law of the land is such that the man has to take the responsibility of wife, children, parents and all the dependents even if the wife is earning. now if the wife’’s parents too depend on the husband, dont u think it will be like expecting too much from man?? why not the parents of the wife live with their son? (ofcourse if they dont have son, the husband must support them too). i dont find any insult to anyone in this logic. and yes go through ur posts.. u and saigal have been abusing me so very much.
@Mr. Tripathi: “if in doubt please refer to section 125 CrPC. it lays the responsibility of the parents on the son. the daughter has not been given the constitutional responsibility of looking after the parents.” First of all, let me clarify that I am not a lawyer, so my knowledge of this is rather limited. But a simple Google search told me within the span of a few secs. that “Earlier, maintenance could only be claimed from the son. After an amendment, *parents can now claim maintenance from daughters too*.” Now, what do you have to say about that so-called “legally settled matter in the Supreme Court”? I”m *really* interested in reading your response, ”cos to me, it seems like the law has been suitably amended by people with more sense than the patriarchal old fogeys who framed it initially. Oh, and BTW, I quote your 1st point - “i have written that girls”” parents dont deserve respect”. I”m sure you”re so very proud of making such a statement.
@Rediff: Your blogging platform sucks! What’’s the use of providing space for a 1000 character comment, when the upper limit seems to be some 40-50 characters short of that number? If you can”t do some basic testing on your own before going live, hire someone with brains to do it on your behalf. >:O
@Amisha: Kudos, you”re showing us all how it’’s done, and done well to boot. I totally agree with you re. the fact that this attitude towards girls stems from our country’’s sick obsession with boys, to the extent that some villages are known to have hardly any girls at all. What the hell are those same female infanticide believers going to do, eh, when their sons, the apples of their eyes, turn to one another for comfort? (Not that I”m saying that’’s wrong, mind you, but it”ll surely cause more than a few heart-attacks in the hinterland!)
@Insight: Thanks a lot!
dear amisha.. as u write that all dont have brothers, in that case the parents are responsibility of the son-in-law legally as well as ethically.. no disputes on that. girls love their parents, no one doubts that and there should not be questions on that. infact i started writing here only because DD wrote that she did not “miss” her father when she left him. thats really not a good thing. i summarise my points
1 parents are lovable .. be it girls” parents or boys” parents. i have written that girls” parents dont deserve respect
2 all cant afford the luxury of having one house for all members. if there is only one house then it the boys parents who live with the couple. it is a settled matter in the Supreme Court (sec 125 CrPC)
3 AS has written that i call names, whre have i done that? infact AS and amisha has been calling me with names. i have not even call them with names in response.
if u can answer the above points then write else pls. this is my last msg.
Dear AS and amisha
howcome u know that i am in the field of ocean studies? thats strange. anyway. regarding taking care of parents.. i must say that it is the duty of the “son” to take care of the parents and not the daughter. if in doubt please refer to section 125 CrPC . it lays the responsibility of the parents on the son. the daughter has not been given the constitutional responsibility of looking after the parents. if amisha lives separately in the same city, it is her husband’’s choice. all may not afford that convenience. in that case it is the boys” parents who lives in the house of the son. girls” parents are free to visit but legally they are not entitled to live in the son-in-law’’s house. it the boys allows, it is his choice. why we argue over matter which is legally settled. u are free to fight the elections and change the constitution.
To “AS” - I have to admit that is one of the best comments I have come across in this site in a very long time and very well written too … you truly rock!!!
Finally, we girls love our parents as much as u men love yours. For generations now we”ve left them to themselves (and not every one has ”brothers”) and nobody’’s batted an eyelid! it’’s all been hunky-dory. It’’s time u got used to having things the other way round.
It’’s important to rid us of these prejudices now, really. if u look deep down-really evil aspects of our society-such as female infanticide - have their roots in this prejudice. A boy’’s birth is one to be celebrated because he’’s going to grown up to be the “ghar ka chirag” while the girl of course is only a burden cos so much has to be spent on the wedding and the dowry and then she just goes away. Never to be a part of her birth family.
Hope this is making sense to some of the dim-bulbs on this page. Really. Wake up.