One of my fiance’s cousins is getting married this Sunday. (The word ‘fiance’ still gives me the goosies. I can’t believe I’m getting married. ME!?!) Anyhoo…his cousin’s wedding is conveniently timed for me to meet all his relatives in an informal setting before I meet our own Sagan and Barat ceremonies.But my Sunday evening will not be the quiet relaxation that I’d planned. In fact I haven’t had a break in weeks. I’m thinly spread over work and a hundred little wedding preps. I’m still settling in to the new home I moved into a couple of weeks ago. I moved there a little before the wedding as I was staying alone anyway and this way I’ll get some time to settle in and find a maid (maid… ah! the luxury of living in India).
Its typical of an Indian marriage that the girl leaves her parents’ home and moves in with the husband. Our arrangement, however, is in reverse gear. I’ve been living alone for several years. So he will be the one leaving his parents’ home to move into this new house with me. What is it about bidais anyway? Are marriages so tearful in other cultures too?
I did my crying when we first started talking about marriage. Suddenly I realised that I would enter a new family. But I wouldn’t be leaving an old family because I don’t stay with them anyway. So where do I stay? Where is my home? Who would miss me?
These questions opened the floodgates for catharsis that had held back for years. I cried non-stop for a month.
When I first moved out of my parents’ home my father had patted my shoulder with the words, “You’re on your own now!” We never shed a tear, never missed each other and never looked back to regret the cold goodbye. And on my own I’ve been. The loneliness that I had evaded through all these years of guarded adventure rushed in at the thought of marriage.
But it is even stranger for my him (please, spare me the f-word goosies). He has strong loving bonds with his family. Even in my first meeting with them I felt the warmth of their open hearts envelope me in a cozy invisible embrace. Their lives are rich with harmonious interpersonal dynamics. And yet, God has arranged things in a way that he must be separated from his family as we get married. So as the tearful bidai will unfold for my side of the family, his family’s hearts will in ache silence. It will be a poignant moment for both sides in those wee hours of the morning as we drive off to our new home after the pheras.
Ironic, that weddings are a celebration of love.
It is unfortunate that even in this day and age people think and talk that some people on this page clearly do. I have lots to say on the issue myself, except that much of what I”d have has been said already.What i”d like to add though is the fact that 2 adults, building a new life in a new home does not “neccessarily” have to mean that they have abandoned their previous life or their parents. My husband and I live in a separate flat while both our parents” are in the same city and I can assure u that no one’’s feeling unloved. we”re there for them when they need us and not around when they don”t. Also, both sets of parents can visit our home equally comfortable as it’’s “neutral ground” and not feel out of place. they stya the weekends and this is home for them too. At the same time, my husband and I are really learning valuable life lessons on running a home and enjoying ourselves too. we have our own space and do our own thing as often as we”d like to.
contd..
P.S. If you want them to make sense, read my posts from bottom to top (it’’s one huge post really), as Rediff seems to insist on ordering them backwards with the latest one on top.
Those who make preposterous claims that something as trivial as this (in the larger scheme of things) will have a “bad effect on society”, are precisely the ones in society who seem to have too much free time on their hands in order to be badly affected. If you”re so damn morally fragile, then I pity you, and if our society were so fragile as to collapse due to a mere blog post (oh the horror of it all!), then frankly, this is not a place I”d like to be in. Stop being so melodramatic and go vent on your own blog or to your shrink, ”cos your repeated comment pasting is only symptomatic of a deep-seated malaise and juvenile-delinquent tendencies. Well, that pretty much brings me to the end of my diatribe. It’’s been irritating to read what you all have written (with the exception of Kunaal who seems to be a level-headed chap), but it’’s also been fun to respond to the same. I look forward to the inevitable ad hominem attacks by pitiful self-deluded people. Know what? Bring it on.
Finally, as for Ms. KAT, seems she has her claws out and is aiming for the jugular. Meow! “… tamaasha and glorification of wrong people… it has bad effect on the sociey” Indeed! Most of what I wrote above for Mr. Tripathi is valid for you too, and moreover, I think you seriously need to calm down, take a deep breath (and a Valium or two if that doesn”t help) and just *calm the hell down*. What’’s your problem, anyway? I had often heard that women are their worst enemies, but this pretty much proves it. Why don”t you tell us about your perfect life and how blemish-free it is? Why don”t you dare write a blog post so that we can comment and you can see whether you”re able to withstand even a tenth of the vitriol you poured here on DD?
(Contd.)
The first and foremost lesson you need to imbibe is “live and let live”. Try to introspect rather that call other people names. And for heaven’’s sake, stop trying to foist your outmoded so-called ”cultural” baggage onto all and sundry. We don”t give a damn what you do within the confines of your own 4 walls, but don”t come out and get all preachy, as if you”re the moral arbiter for the whole country or indeed the world. You feel guys have to take care of their parents, that’’s ok. But guess what? Girls taking care of their parents is equally acceptable, as long as one isn”t suffering from a patriarchal hangover. There are no moral absolutes, as in guys are ‘’supposed” to take care of their parents while girls aren”t or can”t. Grow up a little, ”cos you end up giving all us (Indian) guys a bad name.
(Contd.)
Finally, the issue of patriarchy that’’s been raised here and I must admit, some of the comments here simply make me sick. People seem to have no compunctions whatsoever in mouthing off about the decisions taken by others, regardless of the motives involved, just because it somehow fails to dovetail with their painfully skewed moral perspective. You wish to remain with your parents and take care of them, fine. I”d actually say it’’s an admirable trait and I applaud you for the same. But pray tell, just how did you come to the bizarre conclusion that just because her to-be-husband is moving out of his parents” house, he is somehow abandoning them and will fail to do his duty to take care of them? Grow up and learn to let go of your father’’s coat-tails, buddy, for there’’s increasingly no place for people like you in the India of tomorrow.
(Contd.)
Having said that, the rest seems to me to be a well-worded, frank description of the circumstances DD faces today. Re. the past and the choices she or her father chose to make, again, what moral authority do you have to comment on the same without knowing the people involved personally or even possessing knowledge of their previous actions? How do you know what exactly brought them to that juncture that she describes above? By her own admission, she seems to have belatedly realised that with time, many issues pale in significance and we can often no longer remember why we even fought with someone and for what. So once again, my sincere advice to you is to please stop passing moral judgement on others, for I”m sure you”re not a paragon of virtue or one who’’s made no mistakes at all in life either.
(Contd.)
Mr. Krishna Chandra Tripathi,
Kindly stick to your precious Atmospheric and Ocean Studies where your expertise (possibly) lies, and stop wasting your time writing utter tripe in the comments section of someone’’s blog entry.
Frankly, I saw absolutely *no* evidence to prove that DD deliberately instigated a separation between her soon-to-be-husband and his parents. Circumstances may have worked out that way, to which neither you nor I am privy. Then again, she may be responsible, in which case not many will sympathise with her. But unlike some people here, I personally am not inclined to have a “guilty until proven innocent” attitude, and so I give her the benefit of doubt and assume she’’s not at all to blame (if blame indeed is to be apportioned to anyone).
(Contd.)
test
listen krishna… i dont know about others but I dont need to give you any reasons… not now.. never… and trust me boss you are no authority on writing as far as I am concerned … u claim to be some self proclaimed novel writer… u are one bloody narrrow minded person… who is trying to live in your own world..things are changing around us in this society faster than we can imagine.. atleast be aware. About your great comments pls do your own writing and leave it before people to judge it… we will then see what people have to say about it… till then try and be busy being creative instead of being a self appointed judge on issues you have no clue about.
Have a nice day.
kctripathi@rediffmail.com
Allahabad.
please do read my novel and post a comment. due to copyright reasons i cant reveal the details. but i request to please go through it.
it is easy to blame everything on “patriarchial thinking”. if u really think a lady should take care of the parents and not the guy then give ur reasons. regarding belief, there is no reason why i should believe that she intended to write “i was against the separation of in-laws”. there was not a single hint anywhere. even in a blog u can write what u think. if u cant write what u feel, u better make urself clear and make it clear politely before the readers. blogs are written and comments are invited. if u take the comments by heart stay away from writing. i cant just serve u honey all the time. i will criticise whenever there is a need for it. if diva wants to go ahead in writing, my harsh comments will be more fruitful than ur false praises.
dear kunal.
i do not know if diva is going to write a novel. but my novel (in hindi) is soon to be published by a famous publisher. u r requested to read it. it is in the final stages. take my e mail id and make a querry after a month, if u are really interested.
Krishna
krishna my friend there is also a huge difference between a blog entry and a novel…. you really expect someone to write a whole life story in one blog entry… for that you will probably need to wait for her novel…. lol.. diva pls do send Krishna the first copy whenever you do finish writing one… and while u are at it pls send me a copy too
krishna… reasons stem out from beliefs… if I believe in something I can call it my reason for believing so. Since ages we have been following a matriarchal system in many parts of our country…. so sit back think
and yes kunaal, i say that she has not written a particular sentence becasue she has really not written it and she claims she has written it. if u have read it in the article point it out. the sentence is “this arrangement is against my wishes”…
Krishna…I think it takes courage to write the truth… and I respect Diva or anyone else for sharing the truth instead of some sugar coated fancy wedding stories… I think you just like to read things that you like… I would strongly recommend a ”Fiction” section of any good book store or probably go watch a sooraj barjatiya wedding flick… that you will love
dear kunaal ..i have given reasons for whatever i have written. i have never written any statement without giving any reason. if u disagree with the reason, post ur response pertaining to the reason and not pertaining to the “what” i am. if u think a woman is a natural care taker of parents please advance ur reasons for the same…
Indian (username on this post)… w.r.t your post… i”m also saying things openly.. ive mentioned my name and you have not… using the cover of the great word ”Indian”. this shows how hideous you are! so be true to yourself before commenting on others.
I may be traditional but not mental as you have mentioned… mental are people like YOU who make time-pass comments without understanding or having proper views either way.
im married for 5 years now and am living a great life with all my family members. i have not depression like you to vent on others… it’’s just my point of view… traditional maybe.
krishna… you do assume u are some care taker of society and u clearly see ur self as some police inspector… ”you did not write… you should have written that”…. to top it up u also sound like a bloody MCP “as far as possible boy must be the care taker for all”… u must be running ur household like that… fair enough … thats ur wish… but that does not make it the gospel truth… wake up…
hi,
Do u really think that human life’’s aim is getting married?
Can u go ahead with some other thing………….
The starting line “one of my fiance’’s cousin…” gives an indication that you have several fiances. So be a lit more careful when you pen down a blog next time. Otherwise its fine… Keep writing
Suely you will improve.
please carry on guys, this discussion n comments seems more interesting, than the original BLOG. ……. HEY DD , ur butterflies inside ur stomach must have subsided till now. One free advice plz check the words from future whenever n whatever u put in black n white. As far i m concern u must be angrily waitng reading to my comments. i just say Marriage is an institution which require a lot of mental, physical, financial stability and commitment, so i sincerely hope u both have all these stuff with u, lying at ur end in TONS.. of quantity. last but not least WISH U A VERY HAPPY , SUCESSFUL, PEACEFUL N LOVELY MARRIED LIFE AHEAD.
JOY
u never wrote in the article “This arrangement is against my wishes”. if u wrote then please tell the line number. regarding ur father being cold, this does not mean that u too should be cold. u never wrote that there were problems in ur father’’s attitude. u just wrote that u two did not shed tears and all. we will respond only to what u write and not to what u think…
there are other problems too. as far as possible boy must be the care taker for all. the parents, wife, child, all. there is a reason. say for eg. if someone gets ill at 2 am. will the lady single handedly take care of everything and get the person to the hospital. i mean yes u can but the guys can do it more effectively. reasons?? ok. say u run for a medicine at 3 am. u need a guard even for urself (yes there are guards provided by some companies fr the safety of their employees). u cant expect every household having a guard to escort u to the hospital and medical store. so be practical. ur old parents are better off with ur brother than they are with u…
Hi Krishna, I already wrote, ” God has arranged that we stay separate from his parents. This arrangement is against my wishes.” Thank you for your enthusiastic response. Please also tell me what you think of my father for being cold. He never regretted it either.
she writes
**And yet, God has arranged things in a way that he must be separated from his family as we get married**
yes.. ofcourse, if u taunted him and nagged him to leave his parents that also is arranged by “God”. if there was any other reason, it is not written here. instead of writing all these crap, it would have been better if u had written the “valid” reason for his separation from parents.
dear sehgal…she clearly writes
**We never shed a tear, never missed each other and never looked back to regret the cold goodbye.**
”we” mean diva and her father.
are u the guy who is going to marry diva??
diva says
**Anyway, its funny how orthodox some Indians can be. Its okay for a girl to abandon her parents but not for a boy? How do you logically explain that?**
i explain it on two lines
1 if u say we guys are orthodox, we are. and we are not going to change. u better take ur hubby and keep him safe from his parents.
2 this set up is fr the benefit of parents. some one has to look after them. ur brother will take care of ur parents. ur husbnd takes care of his parents. both parents get the warmth of a family. now u say why the boy takes care of his? dear, it was not 2008 since the begining. even a decade ago, there were very few girls earning. all earning was done by boys. do u think ur “bhabhi” will take care of ur papa and mummy if ur brother is not earning? so the parents are better off whn the offspring is earning. so this is the answer.
Hi Amit…. what Diva has written requires a little intelligence to comprehend, so I dont blame you for not understanding.
Browse down and read what Ushe bhat had to say, dont be so pig headed. Try and understand that just because you feel so strongly about something it does not make the other person wrong or you right.
Relax a little dude…
Diva Divine i think u are a frustrated person who is justifying things in a wrong manner, marriage is coming of not just two people but two families together, and just in case parents when they grow old need our support and we must do every thing in our power to support them most importantly emotionally as no parent stops their kids from moving away from them but we must know that they need our help, also u have no warm feelings for ur parents, i pity ur selfishness and the boy marrying you as he who abandons his parents for a girl will also not stand for the girl when things get tough.
These outburst from you all are hilarious. Please read my post again and you will realize the following:
1. While I have longed for warmth from my parents, they have been the cold and busy. Please read where I have written that I wept.
2. His parents are wonderful loving people and I am grateful to be a part of their family.
3. God has arranged that we stay separate from his parents. This arrangement is against my wishes.
Now, don”t you all feel stupid?
Anyway, its funny how orthodox some Indians can be. Its okay for a girl to abandon her parents but not for a boy? How do you logically explain that?
Every person is entitled to the way he she wants to live…..I appreciate she is able to say it openly. I seriously think KAT has some mental problems….look into ur own life and see how imperfect you are.
cool… why get so stressed with these things … I am sure the society today like you and me are matured enough to know whats right for them and whats not… we all do what we have to do in the end…
have a nice day
o.k… Kunaal Saigal… im sorry… but cant stand these kind of tamaasha and glorification of wrong people… it has bad effect on the sociey…
sorry once again to all for repeated comment flooding…
relax kajal :)… point made… no point flooding the section with the same bit again and again..
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You are an insensitive & selfish b-i-t-c-h who is happy that his hubby is leaving his parents and you don””””t love or care a damn for your parents as well. you shud be working towards living together.i pity your family and your hubby”””’’s family. but your hubby n you are made for each other for both of you care a damn about your parents! rediff shud be held responsible for glorifying such shit people and their false sentiments. how much did u pay to rediff for covering your article? i will also pay more n glorify myself!
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*******************************************************************************************************You are an insensitive & selfish b-i-t-c-h who is happy that his hubby is leaving his parents and you don””t love or care a damn for your parents as well. you shud be working towards living together.i pity your family and your hubby”’’s family. but your hubby n you are made for each other for both of you care a damn about your parents! rediff shud be held responsible for glorifying such shit people and their false sentiments. how much did u pay to rediff for covering your article? i will also pay more n glorify myself!**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
******************************************************************You are an insensitive & selfish b-i-t-c-h who is happy that his hubby is leaving his parents and you don””t love or care a damn for your parents as well. you shud be working towards living together.i pity your family and your hubby”’’s family. but your hubby n you are made for each other for both of you care a damn about your parents! rediff shud be held responsible for glorifying such shit people and their false sentiments. how much did u pay to rediff for covering your article? i will also pay more n glorify myself!
You are an insensitive & selfish b-i-t-c-h who is happy that his hubby is leaving his parents and you don””t love or care a damn for your parents as well. you shud be working towards living together.i pity your family and your hubby”’’s family. but your hubby n you are made for each other for both of you care a damn about your parents! rediff shud be held responsible for glorifying such shit people and their false sentiments. how much did u pay to rediff for covering your article? i will also pay more n glorify myself!
You are an insensitive & selfish b-i-t-c-h who is happy that his hubby is leaving his parents and you don”t love or care a damn for your parents as well. you shud be working towards living together.
i pity your family and your hubby’’s family. but your hubby n you are made for each other for both of you care a damn about your parents!
rediff shud be held responsible for glorifying such shit people and their false sentiments. how much did u pay to rediff for covering your article? i will also pay more n glorify myself!
Oh my goodness! ”If he is leaving his parents - he can”t be called a man”, ”I can””t imagine a person like you having a successful marriage.” World is in no dearth of insensitive men. diva, I say u have chosen for yourself a sensitive, sensible, lovable man for urself. If he is leaving his parents to live with you doesn”t mean, he forgets his parents. haven”t women been doing this for ages? Why do these power savvy men, take women for granted, to leave all that she has and come and live with him and his family? i congratulate ur finace for coming out of this ”expected” behaviour and for respecting the fact that you both should start a life of ur own. have a meaningful, happy married life!
I too can”t believe you CAN get married! Just kidding. he he … all the best for a new and great life!
Hi Krishna… its thanks to cultural pundits like you we can ”define” what culture is … thanks for singlehandedly saving it ”our culture”..
I really marvel at your understanding of life and your deep rooted ”perfect” philosophies.
WOW……….Please folks at redif…….make me understand …….Why the hell is this piece even in the headlines….I mean seriously don”t you guys have more pressing issues to report about !
And Dear Diva Divine………..I mean I need to ask you a personal question….are you always this selfish and retarded or is one of those days where your pre wedding hormones are acting up ?
But thanks for the eye openers though…..I mean I never relaised that a person can actually NOT MISS his / her parents…..I mean I thought by default everyone who is away from home misses home……but again I think differently coz I am normal……….
And the second eye opener is the fact that one can actually love and marry a person without bothering to care about his family…..wow……..But you and your finacee……..deserve each other…….coz he does not care about his parents and you obviously don”t. GREAT MATCH….
GUD luck…u need it..coz ur utterly clueless and confused !
and yes.. which culture are u talking about? in all the cultures of the world, the lady leaves the home. actually the problem is that u are emotionless. u only marry to get the benefits of it, romance, dates, movies, honeymoon and so on. u never missed ur parents!!! how can ur “f” expect you to miss ur in-laws… terrible condition.. he is going to be happy anyway, in ur pallu… leaving his parents…
How can you be so bereft of love & feelings towards your parents, to whom you owe your very existence?? The way you have described the parting with your father - “We never shed a tear, never missed each other and never looked back to regret the cold goodbye” - betrays your fragile emotions and scant regard for familial bonds. I can”t imagine a person like you having a successful marriage.
i dont understand why the hell ur “f” is leaving his parents??? and u seem to be quite happy, naturally. but, sorry, ur would be husband is a dumb.. i mean why should he leave his parents?? this is the social set up here. if u dont like it dont marry. but in no circumstances can the guy leave his parents and if he is leaving, i feel pity for his parents whom he is leaving to keep u happy … wonder if such men have the right to be called a “man”…
I really pity you for your thoughts.. though nothing personal but do you even know the meaning of marriage.. the way you have portrayed it here is simply awful. for a person with the likes of you thoughts are meant to be placed alone. “We never shed a tear, never missed each other and never looked back to regret the cold goodbye”
i hope and wish you a successful family life ahead.. chao
seriously ! even i wonder if you are getting married!!!!
..
pinch yourself n ask…not by bloggin!!!
..
and the dumbwits and rediff!!! go get real news…
How nice of the girl to make sure the boy gets separated from his parents after marriage, a man who does not care for his parents and leaves them after marriage is a spineless creature for me.