On the stairs up to my officeIs a plant.
It’s not happy.
It’s not sad.
It just is.

I wish I were that plant.

I used to think marriage would turn my life upside down. On the other hand, it hasn’t even sunk in. But little things do keep happening from time to time to remind us and leave us in awe.

Like yesterday a friend asked if we would take care of his pet turtles while he was out of town. Well, of course we would. And so illar and chiller (yes, laugh it up, that’s what they’re called!) came to stay with us last night - glass tank and all.

I had one of those moments and exclaimed to my husband, ‘Oh my God, our friends are leaving their pets with us - we’re like … a family! With like a …house!’ As simple as it sounds, it was quite a revelation.

We are realizing shortly after marriage the funny nuances of living with a new person. He likes to snack whenwe get home from work; I like to hit the dinner plate. He likes to go out on Sundays; I like to stay at home. And he likes the air conditioning coooolllld; me not so much. It results in confusion, politeness, irritation and eventually laughter.
Having been together for five years, we’re not strangers and hence there isn’t much of ‘getting to know’ taking place for us. But we are arranging our lives around each other. Of course, it’s a lot easier for me because I was earlier staying alone and now my he has joined me. He is now staying away from his family and so has to find that elusive ‘balanced detachment’.

I kept wondering through out our holiday (yes, honeymoon isn’t one of my favourite words either) I kept wondering how different each moment would have been if we’d been strangers taking this holiday together.

I’m fully aware that a love marriage is not necessarily the only recipe for a happy life, I am grateful for the way my life has turned out. When my best friend becomes my family, I have every reason to be happy.

Here’s how it happened:

I planned. Everything. Well, the rule with my family is simple. If you want anything done right, heck, if you want anything done at all - do it yourself. So I did. I had a notebook dedicated just for wedding planning and a it took about a month, but in the end, it all unfolded as per plan, thank you very much.

Short heels and light headgear: In fact, I took off my shoes completely when I didn’t have to walk around or when I had to dance. On the day I had to cover my head, I picked a dupatta that was fancy but lightweight. Bye byeee fatigue, hellooo mastiii!

No extra functions: I attended a friend’s wedding this week who had 6 days of major functions for her wedding. As you can imagine, it was totally exhausting for the guests as well as the couple. No one enjoys long drawn weddings. And frankly, if you want to show off, make the one function really grand and spare the guests (and yourself) the trouble. Really, that’s how we ended up having fun at our own wedding.

Not only did the wedding celebrations go completely as per my plan, I also had the inner joy of being supremely happy with my new found husband and family. I was also at peace because I know both our families were happy with our union. Love and blessings took the uncertainty out of the wedding and it became a happy occasion.

But the real secret of why I enjoyed my wedding was because my dear wonderful friend Saraswati came down from Delhi for my wedding.

The truth is, while I had planned everything in my neat little notebook, I was still just one human being organizing whole a grand big Punjabi wedding all by myself. I had spent the over two months running around and getting things done (weekends only in between work and everyday once my leave started) and moving into a new house and prepping it for our new family. I was almost breaking under the pressure of all still that had to be done. I was handling almost everything by myself and once my parents and other guests arrived, it got even crazier. I knew I needed rest, but stayed up all night almost every night planning, organizing, arranging… The night before Saraswati got here, I had to take two sleeping pills to force myself to rest.

And then she arrived. She was a god sent angel who immediately swooped down on me and lifted
all of the responsibilities off my shoulders. She did so much, from the moment she arrived she just gave, gave, and gave throughout the wedding (all the time looking gorgeous herself). If there was ever a ‘Diva’, its her. She was the best Sarwali (Maid of Honour) a girl could have ever wished for. Having her by my side, the honour was all mine.

And, having a close friend around me, I was never lost, lonely or claustrophobic in the middle of all the shaadi confusion. Instead, I was deeply anchored in my own true self. How smoothly life flows when you are with someone who sees you and appreciates you for exactly who you are nothing more, nothing less. Like she puts it, when you hang with someone with the same ‘vibe’ as yours its like doubling your own power.

While chopping ginger for my black tea this morning I also chopped off a bit of my nail. The wedding magazines would have me off any kitchen work or house work when my wedding’s just 10 days away, but what’s a girl to do if she wants ginger tea.

As I stood there looking at the stub of my nail, wondering if it would grow back in time for the wedding, I remembered my grandmother. In her time, a prospective mother in law would inspect the girl’s hands for kitchen cuts. Immaculate hands in a prospective bride would give away her inexperience in the kitchen.

Biji, my grandmother - the wonderful, generous, matriarch! So much of who I am is because of her. What would I be without her? She was my primary care giver as I was growing up. While her hands (which had accumulated decades of kitchen cuts) fed me bite-fuls of her delectable cooking, her stories were the food that nourished my hungry soul. When my life seems foggy her shining example serves as the lighthouse guiding me home. Her purity and lightness of being defy her age. Her lofty ideals transport me straight to Satyug. She is truly sat-sang.

At the Mata’s Kirtan she sang bhajans and wedding songs to her heart’s content because her age and frailty won’t allow her to travel to Mumbai to participate in the wedding. I can’t believe she will miss the ceremony. I wonder if it will be the same without her.

But everyone also kept reminding us that our own wedding was only a few days away. Only 12 days, to be precise.

12 days!! That’s too little time for all the things that are yet to be done. Check out this intimidating  list of To-Dos:

1. I still haven’t sent out the invitations. I don’t know when they will reach.
2. The venue decor is yet to be finalised.
3. Then there’s also the Jaymala
4. The Menhdi wali just told me today (after two months of confirming the booking) that its still tentative and she may or may not be available.
5. Make up trials still pending.
6. Accessories for the wedding dress and other functions still not purchased.
7. That reminds me, dresses for two out of three functions are still not finished. So have to make two more visits (separate locations) and hopefully no further alterations will be required.
8. As for the other clothes, the tailor finally them this weekend (two weeks later than our agreed timeline) only to take them all back as the
   fittings were off and needed to be altered.
9. New home is hardly set up and the absence of little kitchen equipment (like little spice boxes) is causing confusion.
10. Whatever little furniture we’ve ordered is not ready yet.
11. Have not yet figured out the nearest veggie market or home delivery grocery store so eating pretty much nothing.
12. Travel arrangements still need some last minute changes (we’re adding on a tour, plus travel insurance is yet to be purchased).
13. Ugh! will also have to get exchange to make payments for travel.
14. OMG, even the rings are not done yet!
15. To top it all, the landlord of the old house that I have just vacated is not giving me my deposit back. So harrassing him at regular intervals to return my money gets added to this list.

Even though this list is long enough, I’m sure I’m forgetting somethings. (Pl don’t remind me of the pandit and the photographer. Thankfully that is taken care of  :-)  )

So if any of you out there still have some time on your hands my advice to you is this: DO NOT PROCRASTINATE!

The wedding magazines (which were a waste, by the way) would have me believe that this is a time for relaxation rest and that I should be pampering myself with beauty treatments, aroma massages, foot soaks, nail buffs, hair spas et al. But here I am with bags under my eyes cause I’m not even getting a good night’s sleep. The last couple of months we’ve had practically no rest whatsoever even on the weekends. And we’re supremely tired and sleep deprived.

When we started planning the wedding arrangements I was wondering if we really need to spend on a good long holiday. But now, nearing burn out, I find myself craving for a break.

One more week and my wedding leave will begin. I just cant wait to catch up on my sleep. Really, sleep is all I can think of, even with my wedding less than two short weeks away. I’m that tired.

Today is his cousin’s wedding. We’re all getting ready together - his mom, his sister and I. And his baby niece will be there too watching, wailing, bonding… Four women, one family

There’s something about his mom that makes me want to hug her. Meeting her at the end of a crazy day, it just feels like …home. It is because of her caring and understanding nature that their family is so balanced and warm.  I guess the key is to know when to rush in with your love and when to withdraw and give others their breathing space. Like the waves of the sea. So the shore never feels encroached. And the balanced ebb and flow of love goes on endlessly.

This balance is important as I join with another human being in the journey of life. I’m grateful for the fine examples around me.

Its typical of an Indian marriage that the girl leaves her parents’ home and moves in with the husband. Our arrangement, however, is in reverse gear. I’ve been living alone for several years. So he will be the one leaving his parents’ home to  move into this new house with me. What is it about bidais anyway? Are marriages so tearful in other cultures too?

I did my crying when we first started talking about marriage. Suddenly I realised that I would enter a new family. But I wouldn’t be leaving an old family because I don’t stay with them anyway. So where do I stay? Where is my home? Who would miss me?

These questions opened the floodgates for catharsis that had held back for years. I cried non-stop for a month.

When I first moved out of my parents’ home my father had patted my shoulder with the words, “You’re on your own now!”  We never shed a tear, never missed each other and never looked back to regret the cold goodbye. And  on my own I’ve been. The loneliness that I had evaded through all these years of guarded adventure rushed in at the thought of marriage.

But it is even stranger for my him (please, spare me the f-word goosies). He has strong loving bonds with his family. Even in my first meeting with them I felt the warmth of their open hearts envelope me in a cozy invisible embrace. Their lives are rich with harmonious interpersonal dynamics. And yet, God has arranged things in a way that he must be separated from his family as we get married. So as the tearful bidai will unfold for my side of the family, his family’s hearts will in ache silence. It will be a poignant moment for both sides in those wee hours of the morning as we drive off to our new home after the pheras.

Ironic, that weddings are a celebration of love.

I travel to Delhi to collect my wedding dress and mom has organised the Mata’s kirtan around my trip.

Even as we park outside the house I can hear the loud singing of bhajans. I enter the house and the drawing is transformed into a temple - complete with an altar and large pictures of the Goddess (Sherawali mata) and some of her Grihasta (married) avatars - Parvati and Shiva , Sita and Ram, Radha and Krishna. Hmm… Grihasta Goddess Avatars… Suddenly the context of this ceremony dawns on me.

I offer the Universal Goddess my deepest love, prayers and gratitude. And for ceremony I include in my offerings a bright red dupatta with gota and kinari, sindur, henna, bindis, red bangles, fruits and sweets - all symbols of marriage and fertility. Its a gesture for dedicating to Her my marriage, my self. We are praying to the Goddess  that I may embody yet another aspect of Her as I begin this new chapter of my life. That I may be another Parvati, Sita, Radha…

Aha! So that’s why its mostly a women’s affair…

Neighbours I haven’t seen in almost 10 years swoop in like storks to plant kisses on my cheeks and congratulate me. A nice lady hugs me and asks, “Did you recognise me, beta? I’m Rahul’s mummy”. I have no memory of her or her son but she’s so sweet that I nod along anyway. She ties mauli on my wrist and guides me in the pooja ritual.

Amid prayers and bhajans someone says, “Shaadi ke gaane….” From another corner another lady starts singing “Madaniyaaa….. Hai ve mere ladeya rabba…” Within seconds the 20 or so pairs of eyes in the room well up… Yes, incredibly, even mine. Another lady is kind enough to distract us into another, less poignant song. My grandmother sings:
“Aaj meri banno di shaadi hai, Mainu godde godde cha”
(My child is getting married, I am knee deep in excitement)

The Mata’s Kirtan officially marks the beginning of wedding celebrations. Of my Grihasta Ashram. And of the Goddess’s adventures through my life.

P.S. In January this year I had created an artwork called ‘A
Burst of Feminine’ and put a preditive timeline of 10 months on it.This
Mata’s Kirtan has perfect timing.