Romance by chance

Memories of first crushes turn bitter-sweet a few years down the line. Bitter because we cannot help but think ‘what if….’ and sweet because it is an acknowledgement of everything that was innocent and pure within us. A warm concoction that bubbled up within our hearts with the first exchange of glances and from which we drank in leisurely day-dreams of our confused adolescence.

In my case there is a twist to the story. My first crush turned into my first love and subsequently my spouse. Sweet…sweet…all the way–did you say? Well, this should come as no surprise to anybody if i say that marriage is that kind of spice which if dissolved into the love concoction serves to leave a bitter-sweet taste in the end. So though I realised my ‘WHAT IF…’ it is not without regrets.

My what ifs are a little bit different, that’s all.Yes, my what ifs involve all those little incidents of straying of mind that happened subsequently and inspite of my being in love with my first crush. Yeah, what of my second, third, fourth and fifth crushes? Were they any less deserving of my love or was it service meted out in a first come, first served basis? What if I had not crushed my first real electric arousal when I had locked glances with a handsome boy on a train journey that ended when we reached our destinations and he came over with the borrowed film-fare magazine, zipping it out of his T-shirt where it lay snuggled against his chest and handed it over to me with a smile in his eyes. I still think he was the most handsome dude in my town but I crushed my opinion effectively and had eyes only for my first love. Until…I receieved this letter, yes friends, a love-letter from an unassuming boy in my class. Yes, it was love at first write…I simply loved his expressions so much so that I think I read that letter innumerable times before burning it into ashes with the realization that it could become the bone of contention between me and my first love if I preserved it. Then a few years later a phone call…a handsome voice and tall claims that he was from one of the premier institutions in our country and had looks to match Tom Cruise’s ….bah! who cares! Not when I am still in love with my first love but I must admit he was interesting and I told him so…I think but I discouraged him enough to stop calling yet my heart did skip a beat when the phone rang in those days….expectantly. So my second, third and fourth crushes ended without as much as a gasp and I hung on to my first crush with my life not wanting it to turn into a ‘what if’ in case i did not realise it to its beautiful end.Marriage and two kids later I look back at the journey my first crush has made and I wonder…what if! And I think I am blessed to have guided at least one ‘what if’ through its incredible journey of ups and downs and though, today the concoction may not be tasting as sweet as it promised out to be at the very out-set, yet I am glad I dared take a chance at what I believed was right for me.

And as for my fifth crush, before I let him turn into a ‘what if’ let me admit that this time it has been simply mind-blowing! Alas! it is just only a figment of my imagination and I want to let it remain that way–a sweeeet delusion!