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Here are some simple words and their new funny meanings. Read and enjoy

ACCIDENT  A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good,

but absence of body better.

ADVICE  A commodity peddled by your lawyer and given away by your

mother-in-law, but impossible to dispose of yourself.

GOOD ADVICE  Something old men give young men when they can no

longer give them a bad example.

ALCOHOL  A liquid good for preserving almost everything except

secrets.

ALIMONY  An expensive soothing syrup, prescribed by the judge for a

divorcee’s bleeding heart.  (Old spelling, allay money).

ANGEL  A heavenly ineligible, with wings and a harp; or, an earthly

eligible, with money and a heart.

ATHLETE  A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift

the ashes.

BABY  From Grk. babai, wonderful.  Parents are yet to be heard from

who don’t think theirs is a “wonder.”  A nocturnal animal to which

everyone in a sleeping-car is eager to give a wide berth.

BACHELOR  From Latin baculus, a stick, unattached.  Hence, an

unattached man, which any lady may stick, stick to, or get stuck on.

BARGAIN  A disease common to women, caught in the Sunday papers and

developed in department Stores on Mondays.  Symptoms, loud talk,

pushing and shoving, a combination prize-fight and football

scrimmage.  (Old spelling ‘Bark-gain).

BEACH  A strip of sand, skirted by water; covered with lady-killers

in summer, life-savers in winter, and used as a haven–or heaven–

for Smacks the year around.

BIGAMY  A form of insanity in which a man insists on paying three

board bills instead of two.

BRAIN  The top-floor apartment in the Human Block, known as the

Cranium, and kept by the Sarah Sisters–Sarah Brum and Sarah Belum,

assisted by Medulla Oblongata.  All three are nervous, but are

always confined to their cells.  The Brain is done in gray and

white, and furnished with light and heat, hot or cold water, (if

desired), with regular connections to the outside world by way of

the Spinal Circuit.  Usually occupied by the Intellect Bros.,–

Thoughts and Ideas–as an Intelligence Office, but sometimes sub-

let to Jag, Hang-Over & Co.

CEMETERY  The one place where princes and paupers, porters and

presidents are finally on the dead level.

DIAMOND  A bright gem the sparkle of which sometimes renders a

woman stone-blind to the defects of the man proffering it.

DIARY  An honest autobiography.  A good keepsake, but a bad give-

away.

DIMPLE  A ripple in the gentle whirlpool of a pretty woman’s smile.

DIPLOMAT  An international liar, with an elastic conscience and a

rubber neck.

DISCOUNT  Something often sold in place of goods.

DOCTOR  One who lays you up.

DREAM  What a man may call a woman, though a Pill may have

suggested it.  Sweethearts are dreams because they seldom come

true; wives, because they’re often a night-mare, and both because

they go by contraries.

DROP-STITCH  A kind of feminine hosiery designed to prevent the men

from paying too much attention to the open-work, “peek-a-boo”

shirt-waist.

FACE  A fertile, open expanse, lying midway between collar button

and scalp, and  full of cheek, chin and chatter.  The crop of the

male face is hair, harvested daily by a lather, or allowed to run

to mutton-chops, spinach or full lace curtains.  The female face

product is powder, whence the ex-pression, “Shoot off your face.”

Each is supplied with lamps, snufflers and bread boxes.

FAINT  A woman’s bluff.

HUG  A roundabout way of expressing affection.

HUMOR  An outbreak, either of skin or brains frequently branded as

Rash.

HUSBAND  The next thing to a wife.  From Eng. hussy, woman, and

bond, tie.  Tied to a woman.

INFANT  A disturber of the peace.

INTUITION  A fictitious quality in females–really Suspicion.

JOKE  A form of humor enjoyed by some and misunderstood by most

JUDGE  One who sits on a bench in a court, frames sentences and

finishes crooks for a living, and swears continually.

KISS  Nothing divided by two; meaning persecution for the infant,

ecstasy for the youth, fidelity for the middle-aged and homage for

the old. An indescribable something that is of no value to any one,

but is much prized by the right two.

LAUGH  A peculiar contortion of the human countenance, voluntary or

involuntary, super-induced by a concatenation of external

circumstances, seen or heard, of a ridiculous, ludicrous, jocose,

mirthful, funny, facetious or fanciful nature and accompanied by a

cackle, chuckle, chortle, cachinnation, giggle, gurgle, guffaw or

roar.

LAWYER  One who defends your estate against an enemy, in order to

appropriate it to himself.

LOVE  A man’s insane desire to become a woman’s meal-ticket.

LOVER  An ardent admirer who says, “Yes, dearest, I will shovel the

snow of the lake so that we can go skating!” and, after marriage

remarks, “What! Shovel the snow off the walk for you?  Well, I

should say not!  I’m no chore boy.”

MAIDEN LADY  A term applied to an old maid by those who wish to

avoid hurting her feelings.

MAN  Something that “Goes first on four feet, then two feet, then

three, but the more feet it goes on the weaker it be!”

MATRIMONY  A game for women, in which the unmarried half are trying

to find a husband and the married half trying not to be found out

by one.  Both halves are eminently successful.

NECK  A close connection between chin and chest, used for the

display of linen, silk, furs, jewelry and skin, fitted with gullet,

windpipe, hunger and thirst, and devoted to the rubber industry.

NOSE  A prominent member of the face family, usually a Greek or

Roman, who owns the shortest bridge in the world.  He is often

stuck up in company, but frequently blows himself when he has his

grippe.  Principal occupations, sniffling, snivelling, sneezing,

snorting and scenting, intruding in the neighbors’ affairs,

stuffing himself without permission and bleeding for others.

PALMISTRY  A plausible excuse for holding hands.

PARAGON  The model man a woman regrets she gave up for the one she

mistakenly married.

PARENTS  One of the hardships of a minor’s life.

PLATONIC LOVE  An arrangement in which a man and woman attempt a

correct imitation of a pair of icicles–and never succeed.

POLYGAMY  A thoughtless way of increasing the family expenses.

PRO and CON  Prefixes of opposite meaning.  For example, Progress

and Congress.

REPUTATION  A personal possession, frequently not discovered until lost.

RESOLUTION  A fragile bit of crockery fashioned on the first day of

January and usually broken on the second.

SUCCESS  A goal usually reached by those who employ their time in

cultivating a more definite aim in life rather than in searching

for a larger target.

WAITER  An Inn-experienced servant.

WEDDING  A trade in which the bride is generally given away, and

the groom is often sold.

WHISKY  Trouble put up in liquid form.

WOMAN  An aspiring creature whose political sphere is still

slightly flattened at the polls.

 These definations are taken from The Foolish Dictionary

by Gideon Wurdz

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