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" HUM HINDUSTANI "

No hard feelings have fun " HUM HINDUSTANI "

     Bengali

     One Bengali = poet.

    Two Bengalis = a film society.

    Three Bengalis = political party.

    Four Bengalis = two political parties.

     Bihari

    One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.

     Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.

     Three Biharis = caste killing.

     Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.

     Mallu

    One Mallu = coconut stall.

     Two Mallus = a boat race.

     Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.

     Four Mallus = oil slick.

     UP Bhaiyya

     One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.

     Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.

    Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.

     Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.

    Gujju

  One Gujju = a share-broker in a Bombay train.

 Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.

 Three Gujjus = Bombay’s noisiest restaurant.

 Four Gujjus = stock market scam.

 Andhraite

   One Andhraite = chilli farmer.

   Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.

   Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.

   Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.

Kashmiri

  One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.

 Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.

 Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.

  Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.

Tamil-Brahm

 One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.

 Two Tam-Brahms = maths tuition class.

 Three Tam-Brahms = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.  Four Tam-

 Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara

Bombayite

One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.

Two Bombayites = film studio.

Three Bombayites = slum

Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour

Sindhi

One Sindhi = currency racket.

Two Sindhis = papad factory.

Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar.

Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.

Marwari

One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.

Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.

Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.

Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community

Punjabi

One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.

Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.

Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.

Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.

Posted in “ HUM HINDUSTANI “.

14 comments

By j m – April 17, 2007

F A M I L Y


F A M I L Y 

I bumped into a stranger as he passed me by, “Oh excuse me please” was my reply.

He said, “Please excuse me too; I wasn’t watching for you.”

We were very polite, this stranger and I. We went on our way and we said goodbye.

But at home a different story is told, How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal, My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down. “Move out of the way,” I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken. I didn’t realize how harshly I’d spoken.

That night while I lay awake in bed, God’s quiet voice came to me and said,

“When dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use, but the family you love, you seem to abuse.

Go to the kitchen and look on the floor, You’ll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you. He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise, you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes.”
 
By this time, I felt very small, And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed; “Wake up, little one, wake up,” I said.

“Are these the flowers you picked for me?” He smiled, “I found them, out by the tree.

I picked them because they’re pretty like you. I knew you’d like them, especially the blue.”

I said, “Son, I’m very sorry for the way I acted today; I shouldn’t have yelled at you that way.”

He said, “Oh, Mom, that’s okay. because I love you anyway.”

I said, “Son, I love you too, and I do like the flowers, especially the blue.”

FAMILY

Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in
a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our own family, an unwise investment indeed, don’t you think?
So what is behind the story? Do you know what the word FAMILY means?


FAMILY = FATHER AND MOTHER I  LOVE Y OU.

Cheers

Posted in F A M I L Y.

14 comments

By j m – March 12, 2007

condoms

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was  my mother-in-law to be. She was a career  woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable. One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered  to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome!, she said before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. So, she said, l’ll go to the bedroom and if you are up for it just come and get me. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house and headed for my car.  Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and  said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn’t have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.


 


Moral of the story:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

Posted in Fantasy.

34 comments

By j m – February 12, 2007

definition of Globalization?

I AM PUTTING SOME FUNNY THOUGHTS! RECEIVED IN MY MAIL. i HOPE U ILANDERS WILL LIKE IT.

1). Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana’s death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an


Egyptian boyfriend


crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an Indian,
using Bill Gates’s technology,
and you’re probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Pakistan lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals…..
That, my friend, is Globalization………

2).


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to Concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
>———————————————————————
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men… The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
>*——————————————————————————–
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”
>*———————————————————————–
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.” The husband said, ” You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.” Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.” Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”  So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says………”HEBREWS”
>*———————————————————————–
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his  wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
>*———————————————————————–
 Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is
always a rough draft before the masterpiece. SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!


 
3)


DEEP SHIT
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally the other man said: “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown up daughter. We got married and I got myself a step-daughter. Later, my father married my step-daughter. That made my step daughter my step-mother. And my father became my step-son. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Much later the daughter of my wife, my step-mother, had a son. This boy was my half brother because he was my father’s son. But he
was also the son of my wife’s daughter which made him my wife’s grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my half brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half sister of my son, my step-mother, is also his grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose step-sister is my father’s wife. I am my step-mother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I am my OWN GRAND FATHER!!!!!!!!!! And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS.



Posted in Globalization.

20 comments

By j m – February 4, 2007

TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS

 

TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS:

QUESTION 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before
scrolling down to the answer of this one.

QUESTION 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote
counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

CANDIDATE A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults
with astrologist. He’s had two mistresses. He also chain smokes
and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

CANDIDATE B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every
evening.

CANDIDATE C: He is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian,
doesn’t smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn’t had any
extramarital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first, no looking, then scroll down for the answer.


!!
!!
!!
!!
!!
!!
!!
!!
!!
!!
!!
!!
!!
!!
!!
!!
!!
!!
!!
!!
!!

Answer 1 :
And by the way - if you answered yes to the abortion question, you just killed Beethoven (all time great German music composer)

Answer 2 :
CANDIDATE A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
CANDIDATE B is Winston Churchill
CANDIDATE C is Adolph Hitler

Pretty interesting isn’t it. Makes a person think before judging someone…..

Posted in judging someone...

20 comments

By j m – January 25, 2007

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL ……..AND YOU WILL CRY….



Sally jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: “How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?” The surgeon said, “I’m sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn’t make it.”

Sally said, “Why do little children get cancer? Doesn’t God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?” The surgeon asked, “Would you like some time alone with your son! ? One  of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he’s transported to the university.”

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good-bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. “Would you like a lock of his hair?” the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy’s hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally. The mother said, “It was Jimmy’s  idea to donate his body to the university for study. He said it might help somebody else. “I said no at first, but Jimmy said, ‘Mom, I won’t be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom.” She went on,  “My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could.”

Sally walked out of Children’s mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months  there. She put the bag with Jimmy’s belongings on the seat beside her in the car. The drive home was
difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy’s belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son’s room. She started placing the model cars and other personal things back
in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across  his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.

It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:

“Dear Mom, I know you’re going to miss me; but don’t think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just ’cause I’m not around to say I LOVE YOU. I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy! so you won’t be so lonely, that’s okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn’t like the same things us boys do. You’ll  have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don’t be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long  time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn’t look like any of his pictures.. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God’s knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That’s when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good-bye and everything. But I already knew  that wasn’t allowed. Well, you know what Mom? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the
name of th! e angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God  said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him ‘Where was He when I needed him?’ “God said He was in the same place
with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children.

Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I’ve written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn’t that cool? I have to give God His pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I’m, sure the food will be great.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don’t hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I’m glad because I couldn’t stand that pain anymore and God  couldn’t stand to see me hurt so much, either. That’s when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that? Signed with Love from: God, Jesus & Me.

Let’s see Satan stop this one. Take 60-seconds and send this to five other people, within the hour, you will have caused a multitude of believers to pray to God for each other. Then sit back and feel the Holy Spirit work in your life for doing

Posted in Writing.

21 comments

By j m – January 20, 2007

engineeers vs managers!


A team of Managers was given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So the Managers go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape.

 They’re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

 An Engineer comes along and sees what they’re trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end
 to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. 

After the Engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.  ”Isn’t that just like an engineer! We’re looking for height and he gives  the length!”


 


The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”


 ”Is your Daddy home?” he asked.  ”Yes,” whispered the small voice.  ”May I talk with him?”


 To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”  Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy  there?”


 ”Yes,” came the answer.  ”May I talk with her?”  Again, the small voice whispered, “No.”


 Hoping there was somebody with whom he coud leave a message, the boss asked the child, “Is anybody else there?”  ”Yes” whispered the child, “a policeman.”


 Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman?”  ”No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.  ”Busy doing what?” asked the boss.


 ”Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the firemen,” came the whispered answer.


 Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”


 ”A hello-copper” answered the whispering voice.  ”What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.


 In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”


 Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”



 Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle  “Me.”

Posted in jokes.

16 comments

By j m – January 16, 2007

Good one try it out!


                                                                           
TRY THIS ::::                                                             
                                                                           
1-Go to Google                                                            
                                                                           
2- Type in the word “Failure”                                              
                                                                           
3- Instead of clicking “Google Search,” click ” I’m Feeling Lucky. ”      
                                                                           
4- see search results.                                                    
                                                                           
5- Spread the word before the people at Google “fix” it    

Posted in I'm Feeling Lucky.

16 comments

By j m – January 10, 2007

Good one try it out!

                                                                           
its reposted again!

Posted in I'm Feeling Lucky.

No comments

By j m – January 10, 2007

male or female… Quick Eye Exam.

male or female… Quick Eye Exam…

This will blow your mind…!

Just do it - don’t cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try this its actually quite good.

But don’t cheat!

Count the number of F’s in the following text in
15 seconds:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS



Managed it?

Scroll down only after you have counted them!



OK?



How many?



Three? (You r definitely male!!!)











Wrong, there are six - no joke!














Read again!



FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS



The reasoning is further down…

The MALE brain cannot process the word “OF”.



Incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all six F’s on the first go has
a brain of a Female



You can test this by asking a Guy/Girl near you
to work it out.


It worked for me


PS: leave ur comments behind

Posted in logic.

26 comments

By j m – January 6, 2007