THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST POETRY COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I thought that I could love no other
That is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped into smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, “I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can’t solve.”

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says “Blame your predecessor!” He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize!” This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says “Prepare three envelopes“.

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the washroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the washroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can’t understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred rupee note.
Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don’t know which side to write the other 5!

PUPIL: “Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?”
TEACHER:” Of course not.”
PUPIL: “Good, because I haven`t done my homework

Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi

Mother: “Did you enjoy your first day at school?”
Girl: “First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow


Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Husband & Wife - Why divorce?
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: “Your honor, I want to divorce my husband.” “But why ?” asked the judge. She replied, “Because he is not faithful to me.” The judge asked, “How do you know ?” She replied, “My lord, not a single child resembles him.”

Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, “One month after I die I want you to marry Samy.” “Samy! But he is your enemy !” “Yes, I know that ! I’ve suffered all these years so let him suffer now.”

Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”

Husband & Wife - Same Service
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, “When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it’s all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.” “Why complain?” said the counselor. “You’re still getting the same service!”

Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband
One woman told another: “My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?”

Husband & Wife - Love To Do
A wife, one evening, drew her husband’s attention to the couple next door and said, “Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don’t you do that?” “I would love to.”Replied the husband. “But I don’t know her well enough.”

Husband & Wife - No Answer Back
A man was telling his friends, “When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her.” One of his friends asked.” And when you are angry, what do you do?” The man replied, “I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

Factual Facts In Married Life:

No time for Love.

Will get time for Arguments.

Both will return home after a long working day, like a boxer returning to the dressing room after loosing a battle.

Most of the time you will get food prepared by servant or you can eat outside or enjoy fasting during lunch time.

Kid's will be taken care of day boarding or servant.

If you ask her to leave the job to take care of children she shall reply "You leave the job and @#$%^&*".

If you go to buy a house, you will be a silent spectator because most of the questioning will be taken care of your wife.

You are not allowed to take any decision independently, but she is authorized to do so because she is a liberal woman.

At the end of the month definitely you will get financial support.

Thank god this is NOT my life experience.

Just my observations. Hmmmmmm

The child comes home from his first day at school.

Mother asks, “What did you learn today?”
The kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”

Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.
Billy: Who, me?
Teacher: Very good!

“When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.”

“H₂O is hot water, and CO₂ is cold water.”

“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.”

“The largest organ in the human body is the head.”

“The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.”

UNBELIEVABLE MATH PROBLEM for you

Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you.

1. Grab a calculator. (You won’t be able to do this one in your head.)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code.)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer ???

Husband: "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."

Wife: Have you brought the grocery?

Husband: Bad command or file name.

Wife: But I told you in the morning

Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife: What about my new TV?

Husband: Variable not found

Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.

Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied

Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?

Husband: Too many parameters

Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.

Husband: Data type mismatch.

Wife: You are useless.

Husband: It's by Default.

Wife: What about your Salary?

Husband: File in use Try after some time.

Wife: What is my value in the family.

Husband: Unknown Virus.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.