Theres a lot of introspection going on. It's the same old feeling. The same struggle. I am torn between two sides, one is a desire that is as deep as deep can be, that has been a part of me ever since I can remember- a craving for independence. The other is a feeling, a responsibility. How can I just label it as a feeling. Its definitely much more profound than a feeling. More than a responsibility. Someone once told me that responsibility is the ability to respond. Yes that is what it is. This other is the responsibility that he told me about. Am I able to respond the way I should to the two people in my life who matter the most? It is not am obligation that I am trying to fulfil. It is something I consider as a blessing in disguise, something that helps me forgive myself for all the deeds that I am not proud of. It teaches me to be what I want to be- a simple, loving and lovable human being- in every sense of that phrase.
Yet I cannot help but give in to the struggle. I do not know which way to go. Why this indecisiveness? I ask myself, why? Why do I crave for something I know I will never get? Why don't I just accept it? My life will go on like this this struggle will never let go. I know I am not the most indisposed girl around. I can see people around me in far worse circumstances who have struggled too, yet managed to hold on to their sanity. Then what am I complaining about? The indecisiveness. The compromise. I guess the struggle is not of this or that. It is a struggle to suppress that craving for independence. It is a struggle to teach me that I better learn to bow my head in front of the circumstances that life offers, for life will not move the way I always want it to. I can only make it move the way it wants to. That's all that I can do. Or is it? There it goes again. Even Holy Providence cannot save me from the vagaries of my indecisive mind. When I look at my three month old cousin giving me that gummy smile, a part of me feels sorry for that soul that is trapped within that puny little body and craves for independence and freedom, perhaps a lot more deeper than I do. They say its deepest at that stage of life. The other part of me longs to smile like him, joyful, full of life, ready to embark on a journey through a path laden with roses, but I want to tell him that there are thorns hidden under those soft petals that cushion him. He should be watchful, else that beautiful smile will be colored too soon by the colours of the sufferings of life that lie in store for him inevitably.
Why am I so pessimistic? Trust me, what I just said is not what crosses my mind first when I see him. But it is what goes on in my mind when this struggle dominates my senses. And if I don't decide fast, I am afraid I'll fall out of love with life. Ooooh!
Of course you do. You have something in your mind that you want to clear. Thats what blogging is all about right? Its a medium of expression. And you express when you have something to express!What?
Ah well! I have changed I guess. I still am deeply indebted to my parents. But I think I know now that I have to make my life myself, for myself. Lemme think a bit..will write soon.
Oh Yes. I feel mothers have a remarkable ability to look within the child. Whether they use the ability or not is up to them. But they do see certain things that fathers dont. Of course one cannot generalize, but I feel that women are designed to nurture. They have the ability to nurture in ways that men dont. Men have their own strength, I mean its not a question of who is superior or inferior. Rather its these intricasies that make them complementary to each other.
People come and go. Time flies. And then life moves on. But I remain. I do. I always do. I stand and watch as the movie rolls on and on and on. Life seems like a bitch then. I seem to just stand there and stare into space as life rolls past me-kissing me at times, slapping me at other times. But I stand there motionless still staring into the infinite space.
But am I as helpless as it seems? Am I really just a passive observer? Am I not to be blamed for my circumstances? Am I really just standing there watching the play, or am I in the play too? Do I have a say in its direction? I think I do. I am to be blamed for the slaps that I got. And I deserved the kisses that I got too. Life is not really a bitch. I am the bitch, who is messing up my own life.
RecentlyI had my relatives over from Kerala. There were three couples, all done with the struggles of their respective lives, wiser and grayer by the years, one of whom had come out of their regions to a place as far as Delhi perhaps after 40yrs!They were my mother's uncles and their wives, and hence extremely close to all of us. But I could hardly cover up my critical eye after they left. Its surprising how the men end up as the ones who've been struggling all through,and their wives and children enjoyed their fruits. There must have come some point in their lives when these men would have felt desperate to call it quits. But what is it that made them stick on? Did they make some kind of a compromise with their lives? Was it worth it in the end? Questions poured into my mind the moment we waved them off from the doorstep on their last evening in Delhi.
When it comes to relationships and marriage, most of us speak about compromise with a scorn on our face and our mind. And with the jet setting culture that we have now, compromise seems to be a word restricted at the most to our office cabins. But these three men that I saw last week made me wonder a bit whether I should extend it a bit beyond just my office space. Indeed they were wiser by the years, but the question is why do we all crave for that enjoyment which we never really get? It is in the search for that happiness and enjoyment that we enter into relationships and marriages. And it is indeed in the search for that same happiness and enjoyment that we quit relationships and marriages. I stand in the periphery of that bond that our family shares with the rest of my family and observe and realize that it is one family that has seen struggles of every kind. All the men and women of our family have experienced the severest of struggles. Yet they have stood steadfast in the face of such turmoil that the human mind can scarce imagine.
What pains most is that I can hardly imagine any man or woman of the current generation being able to face any of that turmoil which made my uncles and aunts wiser and more knowledgeable. It is rare that we find someone who could guide us in the generation to which we belong. We always look for encouragement and solace in the lap of those who are elder to us, and perhaps we are lucky to belong to the generation that we belong to now. For, once they too are gone and we remain, our succeeding generations would be compelled to consult us- we who are neither wise nor half as experienced as our elders.
Perhaps I'm sounding too pessimistic and unfashionable, but I do so because it hurts to see the mess that we have made of our lives just for that temporary happiness which we have set as our goals. We fail to see the stuff that our elders were made of and conclude and judge them as too-conventional and perhaps too-ethical. We need to realize that convention is to be avoided at the right place and accepted at the right place too. Like I always say, theres a lot of difference in being conventional by habit and being conventional by choice.
Perhaps the least I can do for those three men I saw last week is to acknowledge the success they enjoyed in following the conventions of their period…
Well, I’m feeling much better now after watching a typically thrilling Indian win at Brisbane. My closest brothers left today morning for Mumbai. But the match made up for all that brooding and missing.
At times when I see my friends who are seeing someone or the other, I cant help but wonder at their strength! It isnt easy to carry a relationship on your shoulders. Its' a challenge. I have seen'my closest of friends in'relationships, and I have no qualms in admitting that they have been utter failures. But then,'noone enters into relationships thinking they may come out of it someday. Is that the anomaly in relationships nowadays? People know how to enter into one, but not how to get out of it. It may sound ridiculous, but if you think a bit you’ll know what I mean. I feel the best way to enter into any serious relationship is to avoid committing to one another right on the first day. It seems ridiculous to commit your life to another when you do not even know whether you are compatible with each other. Marriage is serious business. How can one take chances with it? Marriage is a journey where two individuals grow together. When I look back I realize my folly in the perspective I chose to judge my friends.''They'swore'their lives to men'whom they'never even knew. Do'they have regrets? Yes…I think its natural to feel bad about why'you let it happen. But I think one must not brood.'its important to'learn from your mistakes and move ahead in life. Life doesnt end here with these experiences. Of course, I’d rather let myself be for the rest of my life with my parents than get involved in a relationship.
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For the rest, well, I have faith in God. Whatever happens, happens for the best!
