A Vent-Out Session

Theres a lot of introspection going on. It's the same old
feeling. The same struggle. I am torn between two sides, one is a desire that
is as deep as deep can be, that has been a part of me ever since I can remember-
a craving for independence. The other is a feeling, a responsibility. How can I
just label it as a feeling. Its definitely much more profound than a feeling. More
than a responsibility. Someone once told me that responsibility is the ability to
respond. Yes that is what it is. This other is the responsibility that he told
me about. Am I able to respond the way I should to the two people in my life
who matter the most? It is not am obligation that I am trying to fulfil. It is
something I consider as a blessing in disguise, something that helps me forgive
myself for all the deeds that I am not proud of. It teaches me to be what I want
to be- a simple, loving and lovable human being- in every sense of that phrase.

Yet I cannot help but give in to the struggle. I do not know
which way to go. Why this indecisiveness? I ask myself, why? Why do I crave for
something I know I will never get? Why don't I just accept it? My life will go
on like this this struggle will never let go. I know I am not the most
indisposed girl around. I can see people around me in far worse circumstances
who have struggled too, yet managed to hold on to their sanity. Then what am I complaining
about? The indecisiveness. The compromise. I guess the struggle is not of this
or that. It is a struggle to suppress that craving for independence. It is a struggle
to teach me that I better learn to bow my head in front of the circumstances
that life offers, for life will not move the way I always want it to. I can
only make it move the way it wants to. That's all that I can do. Or is it? There
it goes again. Even Holy Providence cannot save me from the vagaries of my
indecisive mind. When I look at my three month old cousin giving me that gummy
smile, a part of me feels sorry for that soul that is trapped within that puny
little body and craves for independence and freedom, perhaps a lot more deeper
than I do. They say its deepest at that stage of life. The other part of me
longs to smile like him, joyful, full of life, ready to embark on a journey
through a path laden with roses, but I want to tell him that there are thorns
hidden under those soft petals that cushion him. He should be watchful, else that
beautiful smile will be colored too soon by the colours of the sufferings of
life that lie in store for him inevitably.

Why am I so pessimistic? Trust me, what I just said is not
what crosses my mind first when I see him. But it is what goes on in my mind
when this struggle dominates my senses. And if I don't decide fast, I am afraid
I'll fall out of love with life. Ooooh!