rediff.com
Hi Guest
Log in | Sign up
Skip to content

Rambling Ragas!

It was a weird week. Weird, umm…Yes, unless I resemble it to a stage of hopelessness, hollow or even desperate. Images kept colliding with stones of reality! It was a state of haunting past, few never thought before regrets, turbulent past and some certain discomfort of not-so-distant future!

How often do I feel like pondering over ever so endless journey, undertaken by me! Sometimes I seek my purpose. Purpose of my life and all that I manage to find is big zilch. Things take me to my own beliefs! My persona! Enigma or plain complex? Simple or pretender? I do not know! My beloved keeps saying me, you are a wonderful mix of various hidden and unexplored shades! I wonder yet I see myself blushing! Probably, the word extremist will spare me from all the adjectives! I Probe it further and I find an aesthetic voyager whose home is his tiny head and somewhat big heart! Escaped from home to seek ultimate freedom.

I meet all kind of people. Talk about males, females! I had an amazing assortment of variety! I have stopped counting types of shades I have witnessed in 1/3rd of my life! But the majority of them always chanted ragas of unhappiness. I kept on asking what makes them unhappy? Job? Love? Relationships? Parents? Friends? Yeah, mostly! Fair enough!
What else?
And few of those other reasons made me think. Should I laugh? Or flash a wry smile? Should I try to find some sense behind those reasons?
Few of those reasons-
- He/she refused to accept me!
- I was proposed!
- I could not take my dinner/breakfast!
- A tiff with my colleague!
- What will happen to me if I don't get the guy/gal of my choice!
- I have a bad stomach!
- Why am I not able to feel happy?
 
I read this somewhere that "how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong… but to feel strong. Wouldn't we be better with passion of adventure at our very basic core! Essentially, the joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun “.
Do I follow them as I write them? Yes, I do! That does make me lonely soul sometimes but don't I have a right to be so? And if I have so, shouldn't I accept it and move on!?

Almost two and half decades have passed since I have started walking the earth.
My sense of living says I have lived a luxurious life. Sometimes, I try to merge myself in the solitude of my surroundings! No phone, no calls, no people, no beer, no cigarettes and even no beloved! Ultimate freedom. In those moments, I feel blessed. Perfectly happy. I find no reason of my living and as Leo Tolstoy said in War and Peace, "If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, the possibility of life is destroyed.”
Is there any other greater pleasure than discovering the reason that life itself has no reason! Well, Mr. Tolstoy you better talk to Ayn Rand! I will join the party later

The sensical nonsense is far from finished

Posted in Writing.

2 comments

By jay kumar – June 26, 2008


Reality Of Dream!

One of those days…fragmented…dissected…probably even brutal..! I guess, it does not matter any more. Its more like a flawless motion…something keeps walking. Yet it stands there…ever so diligently…

 

A labyrinth of weedy quagmire. He was lying over there…he was not comfortable with morning sun rays…but he managed to wake up…blurred eyes…

A look at him and he seemed half blind…oblivious to the fact that rays are getting stronger…he has to run away from his place…hide in some corner…

 

But no…Bastard had a tendency to face it…he did not want to run away like every other day…

Somewhere in his heart…he murmured…

Emerging rays,

Use me as you will,

Pull my strings,

Just for a thrill

And I know I will try to be okay

Though my skies are turning grey…

 

The place where he was sitting…On the notorious Bank side. He saw few drops of maligned water…black colour…could not see his reflection…but he could see reflection of light.

 

“O! I so like the blue glow…and how beautifully it's reflecting onto the water!”

"Or Am I having nightmares, which won't let me sleep…who don't let me remain awake as well…?

It's still dark? Or am I just unable to see through those rays..?"

 

He still had country liquor by his side…and all his pockets were turned empty…

 

He had to get up…trying hard to find the way out amongst maze of concrete buildings, beetle juice strewn roads…

“Oh watch out, you fool! Can't you see few broken pieces of beer? Last night, that rich kid picked a decent looking girl…he already had two girls in his car…one sitting in the back seat…and other near the driver’s seat…though, I couldn't see her face..It was not visible. It was somewhere near the driver seat…wondering..!

 

Seemed as if she had succumbed easily to the force of gravity…most of the times, most women look for a knight in shining armour, perhaps she was looking for a werewolf and had actually found him!”

Never mind!

 

He moved further…felt hungry…tried to find some cash in his pockets…

He shouted…”damn me! What has happened to my memory?"

 Scenes of last night again flashed in his mind. It was midnight! He was passing through that beat house! Heard some muted cries! Could not resist peeking inside…that constable was all inside that kid…kid was sobbing…he must be 15-16 years old..In that dim light, a flow of red line was distinctly visible. He sighed…none of his business!"

Constable saw him…gave an angry glance and asked, you want to be the next? Come on, empty your pockets…or I will lock you here for suspicious activities..!

 

He did not see any point in arguing…he gave whatever few pennies he had…!

While he was leaving…he felt as if boy was looking at him hopefully..!

 

He felt a bump in his throat…as if the candles blew then disappeared,

Unseen curtains flew and then again appeared, saying…ruthlessly…move on…don’t be afraid,

Come on, boy..! Just move on!

Sometimes having a Sadist attitude Keeps your soul away from suffering…helps in salting one’s insanity and just immortalizes conceited vanity…and that can be called a good bargain…in any case, losing one’s conscience does not hurts much…

 

He was moving aimlessly…wandering through buildings and people…like a sex addict goes through condoms…his stomach started aching…but doesn't matter…he is used to it…

His reputation always preceded him…call him a night stalker or a grim reaper…he always had a choked breathing…he always appearing like dropping dead…probably that's how he was conceived and nurtured

 

For the day, again two rejection. They say, they don't have a vacancy…they also said," he does not look like a working wannabe…he is just not fit for blue collar jobs…"

 

Out of all those things, Success is one of those things that take you by surprise! He felt as if even he had a right to be surprised, once in a while…people kept saying him, you have no wings…but does that mean anything?..Yes, they are right…but it still does not mean anything!

 

Sun started settling up in his abode…with disappearing sun, he started feeling like the king of cold with fire within…cold stays steady…the fire moves…that's nature of their circuitry.

 

And a day just passed…the sun seems to have fun doing same stuff again and again for billion of years…when the sun will realize, that whenever it wakes up, it molests him…whenever it molests him, He wonders…

Should he bite his tongue? Or should he fall apart?

Or should he just wait until blood soaks his shirt?

It has ceased to hurt! This molestation is as painless as a wet noodle..! Or has he turned cheese?

Whatever…his mind keeps meandering towards unknown landscapes…

 

Sun was about to set…The last flicker of daylight calls upon him, but yet into the darkness he walks…

He felt miserable…and his misery was caused by few of those people…for whom his misery was their adventure…yes, it's always a bargain…

He pretended to sleep again…never to wake up again…

 

He died…or he just faded…after all he was just a “dream”…one among many…a dream…like a rusty spoon forged from forks and nails of the ancient era…!

 

Life just keeps moving…dreams simply keep dying…!

 

When the darkness comes, one must go…

What to lament?

Seemingly nothing to lament!

Dawn and dusk will return tomorrow…

No matter what…

But I have not seen dreams returning upon death…

 

Tomorrow it will be turn of another dream…!

 

Don't bother

And don't mourn d death

It's just another

Gratis corpse

Of illegitimate

Child of My Dreams…

 

My duty is to bring random lines into life!!!!!!!!:

Posted in Personal.

No comments

By jay kumar – April 19, 2008


Heat Of My Desire!


Golden sand, shining so bright
Glistening river, whispering so light
Silver hooks,
And a warm sun,
It's all felt and said,
That's you, my mermaid!

A trip down the lane
And talking till midnight,
Scattered clouds
Aroma in the air,
A bite of forbidden apple
And few barriers being broken!

Breezing summer
Caressing thy tresses,
Hanging moon,
Reflecting thy face
Your breath stirs
And the eyes meet
Time freezes,
Whenever we speak!

Chilling night air
Hangs on our adobe,
We lay in our meadow,
And you glide in slowly,
Like flowing wind,

Surrendering to your embrace
Amidst candles, perfume and flame
You feed my desire,
Makes my craving go on fire,

Your delicate, soft skin
Brings out passions
Deep within,
Sigh, snuggle,
Meeting of lips,
And the heated tongues,
We soak the wine of
Our love,
And intoxicated lust!

Golden sand, still shining so bright
Glistening river, still whispering so light
We glow like an ember,
And we let the love begin!

Posted in Poetry.

1 comment

By jay kumar – February 28, 2008


Wo Lamhe…

 

kuch lamhe gire
waqt ki saakho se,
thirakte,
thithakte,
kahaniyan kuch boonte…

pehla lamha,

nakkashi bhara,
aadhe chaand ka manjar liye,
uljhi lakeerein
dhundli tehreerein,

Jaane kisne wo nakkashi silwato.n mein quaid kar li!

doosra lamha,

bhari mutthi,
phisalti reth aarzuon ki,
waqt ke almeere
se sarakti parchai,

jaane kisne uss parchai ko libaas se chura liya?

teesra lamha,

ek beparwah pankchi,
ka ghosla,
tinke saare puraane,
kuch kaale,kuch peele
ruswaiyon ki saugaat liye

jaane kisne uss saugaat ko saanso.n mein dafan kar liya!

chautha lamha,

ek safed aks,
tooti kaanch ke kuch tukde,
har tukde ka ek ateet
bejaan,bebaak..

jaane kisne unn tukdo ko apne armaan se piroya tha!

shayad,
ek aakhiri lamha,

aur ek bikhri peshkash,
kuch adhoori kahaniyo ki
kuch ki suruaat nayi,
kuch ka anth kareeb,

jaane kisne!…..
shayad aaftaab ke paimaane mein andhere ka wajood hota hai!

Posted in Poetry.

No comments

By jay kumar – December 7, 2007


Comatose !

Naked, I stand
Amid the living corpses
In the hours of shadows
For the wars of within
And surrendering a mist
From the madness of being!

The flesh blackens,
Blood flows through
Rotten veins,
Semblance of,
Beautiful sound of
Howling wolfs…

Numb broken wings,
Speaking to glasses,
Jarred with poison
And sealed with fate
Of impending lucidity…

Deep sleep,
Shrouded poetic script,
Embracing eternity
And dream,
Leading the funeral
Of majestic presence…

Darkness sings
Lyrics of love
And loneliness,
Decaying soul whispers,
The doom of fallen angel
In the abyss of time…

Autumn, my home,
Summer, distant reality
Heckled mind swims,
In frozen self,
The crest of
Rising dust clouds,
And illuminating quagmire…

Bleeding emotions,
Crushed hopes, and
Sorrow's lurking image
In hollow eye sockets
And untold story of
A mermaid bereft of ocean
Following the barking hounds
Of hell….

Posted in Poetry.

No comments

By jay kumar – November 11, 2007


Poet & Prostitute- The End

If something is worth having, it wont come easy…a thought, repeatedly haunting the poet since ages…
what if I am unable to find her? Will I survive?

Well, I am…but does this life have any meaning without her!

Won't she come back on her own?

And the hunt continued with a picture of Stella in tow…in the Diaspora of concrete jungles…far flung places…a rage building inside…

Though the carnal instincts often overpowered him…this time in the lap of Maria…
But Maria was no Stella…

Grappling with her new found status and caught in the web of men’s lust, desires and emotional fallabilities, Maria could hardly be called an expertise and soother…

But the poet was hardly concerned…waiting to be broken down by world!
Because he hardly cared, lost whatever was precious to him…a living replica of shattered glass…an already torn piece flying into anonymous pieces…a simmering anger had become the normal state of his mind…waiting to be erupted…

“Born to rule an empire, destined to tear it apart
Don't give up, your miracle is on its way”…

that was the sentence, adorning the main page of Stella's diary…and the miracle was in a way, typical of her…that is, not so convincing to the ordinary mortals…miracle being her own conscience…her own acceptance of the past..Her sense of getting rid of sins by serving in an old age home…

She even thought of death few times, wondering why fear death which is inevitable…one has to embrace it someday…

Shouldn't we fear life, an ever changing thing, ever rearranging itself and where one is never sure of what to expect next?

Few moments of rare self doubt engulfed her persona…

“I used to be unique and rare but now I am just like them…one in a billion…”
but then, another trademark steely resolve pushed her…

"I will face myself as was my wont! Will cross out what I have become…
I will hold my love once again…feel him…like always…
The eternal sunshine is witnessing my metamorphosis…"
 
It was during one of those chance encounters with a stranger and next day poet was knocking at the door of that old-age home…

Murmurs inside…few blurred voices…

Poet's heart was pounding…

And Stella opened the door…

A moment lost in translation….!

A brutal silence was hanging in the air…waiting to be inhaled by love lords….!

Unblinking eyes….
Stare…!
Few tear drops….!!!!
Blink….!! Blink…!!

“You remember this look, poet murmured…!

The light of life leaving my dry eyes…reminiscent of a water drop in the Sahara…I am still trying to come in terms with my existence and my lost passion for life and living…which dried up and left with you…searching for you all eternity….”

I knew we would meet, but never expected this to happen so soon…that's all Stella could manage to say…

THEY hugged each other…

It was a hug which was waiting to take place since aeons…the hugs followed by kisses…and the two became one…

And hours passed…

No one realized…none of them cared…

She was laying on his shoulders…her eyes half closed…

Poet kept looking at her face…moving his fingers in her silky tresses…

Poet thought, "there is something very magical about her divine face…it has two sides…one being the one that is looking at me…seems more like daylight…
And the other one being more expressive, mirroring night…"

Let's go back to home…our home…poet said…

It will take some more time; Stella in her half naked postured replied…

Not this time!! Poet shot back…

Yes, indeed! Because I want it that way…Stella answered….

Stella was thinking…"am I paving a path to greatness? One deviation at a time…then another…and then another…it never seems to end…my assumed power on him is absurd and its intrinsic value equals to defeat and yet defeat seems to be everything…

Poet kept mum and thinking….
 
“Why is it happening with me once again? And how is it happening? Why is it happening that she can feel alive without me? She claims to be in love! And yet she wants to stay away from me once again..! Does it really suits me just like everything which has taken place in my life?”
…the rage, kept hidden and silent for long, started rearing its ugly head…

Love does not require one to be submissive all the time…
This time, i won't let go of my wishes…!”

Stella, are you..?
No…Stella reaffirmed her refusal…

Complete darkness…few heavy sound of suffocated breath….

For next few moments, they both did not realize what actually happened?

And when the storm abated…

A body was lying in the pool of blood…

Same divine face…this time…slightly more deformed…lying face down… silky tresses adorning face and back…dead on those brown wooden surface surrounded by blood, four walls…broken plasters and a hysterical man…who was standing point blank..

What was left behind was a torn note fluttering in Stella's diary…dated few days back…
 
“I always thought I am alone in the world…but I was wrong…we all are connected and related to each other…one act on one day can affect us all..Though we won't prefer it…

fear was long gone…Do not fear my love, what will come to be, but what has become…

Didn't I always love being a leaf, carried away by the winds? I was always a wanderer since my inception…born in a ship on the breast of the river of time!

Probably I will die the same way….in the end there it will be worth everything……but right now, it is nothing…

True nightmares don't end when you wake up… They end when you die….and when you die with a heart full of love, it truly ends…

I will be gifting you the fruit of our love in few months…a new incarnation of you, my only love and me, combined together….a bundle of joy who would be truly manifesting our eternal bondage sans any sins of past..

I just have one wish…when I knock at your doors; welcome me with open arms…..

..Your wife…..”

Poet stood there…

No one actually knew what had transpired in that room of old-age home….it was just understood by the two…

One, who can never answer and
the other, who won’t be ever able to answer…

Poet was still standing there when the paramedics from mental asylum arrived….

Posted in Personal.

8 comments

By jay kumar – October 14, 2007


Lunatic Fantasy-The End

“You know what’s funny? The act of laughter; which is a sweet contraction of the muscles of the face, and a pleasant agitation of the vocal organs. It’s not Beauty or in the jurisdiction of ourselves. Simply put, the essence of laughter is…Insanity”…..

Words of wisdom by some anonymous insane!! Based on this revealation, i can be safely termed as insane because full throttle laughter was my hallmark which Got lost with the passage of time!

Coming out of prison, i was forced to venture into the last stage of one part of my life…people started viewing me with Suspicion and my own ‘real world experience’ in prison made me a victim of depression which was confirmed by my psychatrist! He also found some traces of abnormalcy in My behaviour.

Depression, my foot! What's depression? Residing in heaven between two beasts that have run out of hell! Yeah, that's depression!

Inside my ruined interior, lies my vague belief that would be changing many not so proportional equations.
I started waiting to be promoted to the next stage of my life..

at times,I stare outside my window and the sun creeps in silently, wondering if ever it will witness my naked soul!?
Perhaps no, it lost in the transition and so will I!

Just for few eternal moments, i intend to leave behind my traces through my writing and words…but…what to do with a fallen soul in the corners of my own unfairly glorified but utterly hollow existence…

Perhaps an echo of an angel who will never return!!

My double personality kept sticking out of the cage of my flat and friends said…you don't bare your heart…you are not being you…you are always restrained…

It simply implied why dint I cry to the appeasement of their non-existent largesse…?
Why should one weep when you cry for no one?

Why should one weep when you live for no one!

One just lives for one’s own fucking miniscule existence!
 
But I had some other plans. Taking to the grave whatever was in my heart..!

You still think, i have many things left unsaid in my heart!? This diary is the testimony of my nakedness!

Nothing is more expressive than shining nights but our face is composed of darkness wherein we try to fake its presence! Mirror yourself in the night, and one gets to view the dark face and even darker reality…

I was accused of pulling people towards me and making them dependent, finally to turn them away…

Was I wrong?

Why should others just be a part of good side of my persona? Aren't they supposed to absorb my negativity as well?

No, they won't…because their life is full of misery and misery has a habit of loving company but to their dismay company does not reciprocate!
I was hailed because apparently I showed the breaking of dawn and yet I left them in dark to grapple with last few pieces of demons! They didn't love it and I was not loved for it either…

Diary, have you ever witnessed mourning of birds? When one of them dies, they keep flying over the cliff, in search of flower fields…they just go on without ever staying to cry over a gone one…
when they fly,they are hovering around air,clouds,stormy sky! Can they afford to leave those exciting and challenging parts of their journey and instead, mull over where they buried their loved one!

Am I comparing humans with birds?

They did not send me to exile for nothing! Perhaps I am looking for something which doesn't exist…just like notion of me embracing the dark…walking in the light and hoping twilight to find my way in this life…

I am dreaming with my eyes closed…Aah…

Life and living seems so easy with closed eyes… it also helps me in running away because the truth of loneliness is hard to resist…and I can safely disappear…!
Why I am alone despite knowing no one is there to help me?
 
Precisely because of that….
if ever you make my gravestone, give it a weathered look…allow few flowers to grow across it…make a stone structure of lips and put it on the top of gravestone so that when I close my eyes, i can feel that I am planting kiss on the lips which I have missed…

I will also request stars to continue hanging from sky with the help of those little strings…but never ever ask me where the strings are attached to…..!!!

Else, i might get angry, things might go out of hand because I would not know the answer…

I will need just one companion; solitude! I beg you…don't take it away…I can't stay away from it…

I am being eclipsed on the brighter side of the moon…never to be seen again to ordinary mortals…

Dried up passion for life and living like a drop of unseen tears in desert…

I was just an experiment of this world without any name…..nope!

I was named lunatic…menace for society…anti-social because I tried to fulfil the virtue of a human. A strong human…

Loved because I was needed…
hated because I did not cry…
forgotten because I was detached from world in general…!
And praised because I knew humans are prone to being subservient…

Yes, I was just an experiment of this world….an experiment which did not fetch any results….

Posted in Writing.

No comments

By jay kumar – September 26, 2007


Lunatic Fantasy-4

For what I've done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done
What I’ve done…….

That how a popular song reads like! I ve heard that it's against a man’s ego to cry. Even I feel so. Even bigger issue is a man’s failing to acknowledge his mistakes! So lest you get puzzled in non-existent intricacies, let me forgive myself for what I have done though I am not sure what exactly I have done except good things!!

It's raining heavily since I have come here. Rain god always follows me as if he is overwhelmed with my presence on the earth. It is said that the rain will Wash away all your pain but for me it's just a reminder of the past…

Life is complicated and girls are cruel yet I fell in love with a mesmerising body for the nth time (for the sake of change this time it was mutual!), .but my existing passion termed it infidelity. She wanted to hold me forever. I felt suffocated.i backed up my ability of loving many gals at the same time and quite passionately. They never believed so because our civilization says polygamy is equal to infidelity and you must be loyal to one. But thinking of it, when I can be loyal to many, shouldn't I go for that? Listen to the wolf inside of you and it howls in a self-interpreted language.

“You are nuts”! The oft-repeated accusation hurled at me!
I m not a closed Book. I am wide open. I am just in a language one never understands.
With all my rights, I reject your reality and substitute my own!

True to my experimental nature, often while making love, i preferred being a female and let my partner turn into male with complete command.
Treat me like a slave!
Torcher me!
Make me travel the vicissitudes of pain!
I liked to see those red spots on my body and her bosom. It used to give me the kick which no other drugs could ever provide me.

Recently a female was admitted in the asylum. Barely in her twenties, she stripped once in the gallery and was laughing like only insane can laugh..
 
i thought she was meditating and interacting with god through her laughters.i instantly fell for her once I saw her in her birth suit.
Do you think I am lusty am not because only through physical contact one can touch, see and feel the soul of other person.because, once you touch the body, you can actually experience the rhythm of her skin, the beats of her desire and movements of her delicate persona.

By the way, during all this mental and emotional turbulence, my first girlfriend was murdered, killed by her existing flame.i managed to see her beautiful body
Turned into an embodiment of ugliness because of autopsy. Nevertheless it was still worth desiring for. While mentioning her body, i wonder how god would have delved deep into his/her imagination while carving female anatomy. He must have practiced hard like a blacksmith who keeps hammering hard on a hot metal until he transforms it into his desired shape.i also think that female’s sexual orientation is more intense, afterall eve ate apple first.

Coming to her death, probably her obsession for sex and drugs led her to her eventual fate.i was summoned for interrogation because of my previous relationship with her. What was supposed to be a normal interrogation turned into few days of remand! Police said I was high on grass and they found my appearance suspicious was beaten to hemmorage, offered to sexually starved inmates who had me for dinner, breakfast and lunch.
I managed to survive, because in my past life I was immortal and this life was giving me same signal. Bleeding profusely I kept on requesting lord to forgive them…but I realized Sweet words
Spoken through jail cell bars hold little charm.

I had revenge on my mind but then Revenge is for those who do not have the patience for karma.but,Patience Is also death In Silence.i don't know what I finally believed in!!
Why I had to go through this ordeal?
I accept, everyone has evil in them…mine’s just a little more apparent than others.but was that the only reason?
 
This incident left an undiluted impact on me!
Afterwards, happiness just remained a word to me and Heartless and Nobodies became my friends!
Life just turned into a metaphor and usually its life that scares me to death.
Things were unfolding fast and my prison stay was just a mere glimpse of interesting times ahead…

Some anonymous shithead said, "I am a man that follows a path despite my eyes that tell me that I don’t know myself…that I am actually a path without destination…”!!!
Was I slowly beginning to see my reflection in that abstract reality..?!

Posted in Writing.

No comments

By jay kumar – September 9, 2007


Lunatic Fantasy-3

It's raining heavily today and all the inmates want to go out to get a feel of first shower..! But authorities are not allowing us…what the heck! It is not a democratic set up where we are forbidden to indulge in any pleasure…i shouted at the ward boy but he slapped me hard, threatening to devoid me of my dinner…am I supposed to not voice my wishes just because they will keep me hungry?

Nevertheless, why to argue about those psychos who are treating us insanely sane persons…few pages of my diary are totally blank…just the way my life was once upon a time…

I fell in love with…obviously a girl! I had yet to discover my equal attraction for males. Though I liked a male’s physique, their strength and the oozing masculine power…but I often wondered how it would feel to be indulging in sex with a male…
yukkk…it wont be fun..No soft skins…no spongy feelings…n worst; you are required to penetrate a stony structure with a small nail…i know that's a dirty way to put it..

Though…sshhhh…should I share? When I was 9 years old I loved watching Baywatch. Those bikini babes in red swimwear…oo…la…la…!!
My parents were quite strict with cable telecast, so I used to wait when they will go out so that I can fulfill my voyeuristic desires…women anatomy always fascinated me even to the extent that I had a physical relationship with a guy at the age of nine..I showed him baywatch…fuelled his desires, albeit unintentionally and soon we were locked in his one room shanty…

what also helped me, he was a poor guy and I had some clout and he could not refuse me…though what we used to do was just climbing on each other, kissing and rubbing against each other..And yeah, he did start enjoying the act later on…did you feel that was ugly? Excuse me…vulgarity lies in the eyes of beholder and brains of you sophisticated morons…

Oh…that was a golden period…and why not? After all what is life all about…eat…drink…sleep…has sex (natural…unnatural does not matter as long as you are pleasing yourself…)…laugh…smile…

Hope you keep this secret!! So I was telling about my love life…that chick…she was amazing…she smoked…she drank…and she was open to all kind of propositions…and that's why I loved her…while glancing into her eyes, I felt as if the whole world has faded away into a light of bliss..
She was lusty…horny…and above all she made me feel like a prince…I dreamed of having my harem full of femme fatales of all breed…some desires are so wonderful..Just having them in your eyes and heart make the world a beautiful place to live in…

When she left me for another guy who was rich and had built, I felt heartbroken…
No. actually I did not..! I thought…Just the replacement should, if not better then must be equal to her…crying was an option but how long the shoulders to cry upon last? Probably somewhere between nowhere and goodbye. So I did not cry…

No…Oh…i did sometimes..! Though I never acknowledged those occasional drops!

Today we are scheduled to play volleyball. Doctor says, it's good for our health. And if females inmates desire, they can also join us…wow…that is so tempting…I must impress them…I will wear that black dress which has just one torn mark…though I will try to hide that. I make black look smart on me…hehe…

My girl friend was a victim of child abuse…she was abused by her dad when she was just six…and kept on being abused till she attained puberty…then her dad left her for her younger sis..Her mom had run away with an alcoholic…ironical…because to get rid of one alcoholic she left for another leaving behind her two toddlers in the clutch of that beast…probably he was sexually starved…I don't care though..Nevertheless…my girlfriend was pure in an impure way…

Yesterday few rats entered into my cell and roamed around my lovely body…initially I screamed but then I stopped, thinking it is me who makes the nightmares scream…so why should I scream..!!
I love the way I think…aint you liking me? But if you wish to kill me, hate me, detest me, and survive in an unsightly way… Run and cling to life…I am here to stay…

Here in the asylum, they don't provide non veg items…and I hate that…they are not allowing me to contribute in maintaining ecological balance…after all why should not I eat fish? Do you know why? Because fish do not have any feelings…i discovered it long back…while I was cutting one fish rather dissecting it to check how it looks from inside with blood oozing al around, it did not scream…nor did it cry…it dint even close its eye lashes..
It means, it was willing to die or it does not have any feelings about living and dieing. Now think of it…had they allowed me to live a normal life in the world wouldn't my great insight would have made a great difference in the world…but…no..!

They did not…and they wont…and thus depriving the world of a suffocated genius…
Who cares…their loss..!I am happy…

I have lot to tell. More like I would keep on bleeding songs until the lyrics died…my sexual escapades…survival mantras…and hell lot of eerie tale to tell…society calls me a devil but they never acknowledged they created this devil..I wanted to live life without harming any one…but…now I feel I am close to becoming a demented permanent resident…

Will go now for volleyball…with my partners and hopefully those lusty females…till then let me bleed inside and crying in the out..I will die a living death in those frantic corners where no one will hear my unheard shouts…
Adios diary…

 

Posted in Writing.

No comments

By jay kumar – August 26, 2007


Lunatic Fantasy-2

“Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and finally for money”…well said sir…whosoever said it..! But in my case there is a fourth option. For the sake of self! Or have you heard of a lunatic being paid for writing diary?

In fact, the doctor will execute me for writing stuff beyond his not so visible intellectual domain! Poor doc! Working 24/7 amongst a rich crowd of insane and in the process almost on the verge of losing his sense and sensibility! Yesterday, I saw him scratching his head on my case file! Reading my history, trying to pinpoint the exact cause of my perceived insanity and still clueless!

From the days of my one BHK flat, I loved being lonely…It was really satisfying to see my smart face in the clean tiles of my flat…the mixture of white tiles and yellow coloured walls and the magnanimous presence of white roof top…those were my closest acquaintances! I used to be at prime in night…providing solace to darkness…as night is so lonely without the howl of a wolf so was it without my silence…just a single light..With music playing in background and plethora of beautiful ladies residing in my subconscious! Needless to mention I was loyal to all of them…hehe…the heart is made for loving and to dance on the beatitudes of multiple heartbeats…I never interfered in my heart’s basic function..

My heart had few broken pieces resembling artist's palette and I always tried to use narcissist's approach of mine as my paintbrush. And trust me, I carved out amazing paintings! It's a different matter; those paintings were never sold or even understood! Alas, my thinking of abstract being most precious form of art was proved wrong! They threw all of my art works in the garbage before taking me to mental asylum. But that was long after.

I guess, I am really insane! Or how would I explain things with such details? Injection is having its effect! I am feeling sleepy but I want to write more…

I guess, I am really insane! Or how would I explain things with such details? Injection is having its effect! I am feeling sleepy but I want to write more…

Oh, where was I? Oki…my mates used to visit me and always complained about my life style…probably they never heard of Bob Marley’s “who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect - and I don't live to be…"! They never understood! I never complained! My one complain would have become a national issue had I ever done it once! My not complaining became a complaint…probably it was a power which could not be fathomed that easily! Though, I was moulded in the form of a pair of soothing yet firm shoulders to cry upon! It never really occurred to them, that those shoulders don't last long, eventually you have to learn to pick yourself up! It did not matter to me either.

From the face of one of the most caring human being, my face started to resemble to that of not so caring human being…they opined…your face is kind of funny…your face is kind of sad..
I kept mum with a wry smile…if that was not saying something, I was!

Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality. Bow to the statement.
Isn't it? The varied reasons of my being paranoid had their roots in my optimism. I always thought, it doesn’t hurt to be optimistic. One can always cry later. Optimism is an infectious virtue in the short run. Better not to wear it on the sleeves. By the time, I realized it I was no more found fit in the balanced social structure!

Why ink drops are troubling me? Oh…it's cold out there, but I am without clothes. Doc has punished me for not adhering to the rules of this sanctum sanctorum. But I am not feeling cold. I am numb. I just hope no nurse or lady docs come visiting or else, I will be in deep trouble. Hehe…i have heard reports that I am a fertile male. Though, I don't get any chance to check its authenticity. Oops…they will kill me if they see such statements. Isn't it said that, vulgarity lies in the eyes of beholder. But that new doctor is really pretty. How I wish to be treated by her. :))..

I think, I wrote very seriously today. Very bad. Any ways, Life's fucked up in that funny sort of way…so why am not I laughing..? Hehe…i am laughing. See, it's so easy…tomorrow I will manage a new ink bottle and then I will write my diary again…

But lunatic is sleepy now. In this severe cold, on the rough tiles, with out any blanket! But its fun. Unifying my naked soul in the embrace of mother earth…and watching four colourless walls…scary roof…and water leaking from the corner…I am happy..very happy..

Posted in Writing.

No comments

By jay kumar – July 30, 2007