In 2001 – 9/11 happened
I was married to Muslim fm Libya.
In 1997 I learnt to know him – it was October and in 1998 I married him
first in the mosque (for respect) then legally in the civil registry office of
my village, Therwil in Baselland,
Switzerland.
I hv to mention in advance that my husband was drinking, I did not blame
him because I know his past. He had been in political prison (incl. torture
etc.) and he was in the Chad
war and as a pilot had to fly out wounded and dead Libyans. This led to
Borderline Disorder. You may google it. Besides, Borderline is accompanied by
one or several drug addictions (alcohol, tablets, cigarettes and/or drugs).
Initially I wrote abt 9/11 – how did that day influence HIS destiny?
Being a senior pilot with not only PPL – but also CPL and TPL (private,
commercial and transport pilot license), he wished to work for either S-Air or
Crossair and applied. They said you need the renewal of license. He did not
have the money. My mother and my best friends did give him that money – it was
around 3 million Rupees (i.e. abt 70’000 Swiss Franks).
He passed very well actually – cause I visited him there (Cranfield, UK).
His renewal happened BEFORE 9/11. After having passed 9/11 took place – so when
he was back and, nobody wanted him anymore. The propaganda abt Muslim pilots
was spreading to the world.
Meanwhile we are in 2002. It was the beginning of the year. I knew when
my husband flew – he never drank – so flying was his ticket to freedom – not
only to his “salvation” but also mentally and spiritually the support which
made him not drink.
So I took the “worst” but also best decision of my life: I offered him
to go to his country.
NOW – most were shocked – especially the Europeans – of course – first
of all how can an EX roman catholic marry a muslim?
That is already outrageous and then – how on Earth can she be so stupid
or even “mad” to follow her husband to a “third world country”, where she would
be living behind the moon….?
Well – I said I am 39 and I think moving before 40 is good – maybe when
I am 40 I will not move anymore – ok that was a joke – however I took the
decision to leave Citibank – my best job I ever had. With an annual salary of
88’000 Swiss Franks – now you can calculate how much I gave up – I had an offer
to become European Accountant – fm them – all paid – etc etc. a rosy future.
I did deny. I admit still till today I regret that deeply – i.e. career
wise but if I did not do that I would not be the mother of my two children
ok – how could any one know what scandal in Real Estate business was to
follow in which all banks were fatally involved? Except the Arab Banks. How
very funny actually when I do think that way…
Ok sorry for my deviation.
I did resign fm my job – I did give my money (my whole pension fund) to
my husband – organised the money for the container and the money (one
way-ticket) to Libya.
He did organise the container – that is a domain he knows better.
However – we went.
Many of humans think that I was in one of the worst countries on Earth –
NO – I do deny that: my best driver, my best gynaecologist and my best friend,
Mufida (my husband’s youngest sister) and a woman whose name is Najad – I met
there.
My gynaecologist and I shared a soul relation – nothing carnal – at all.
I also loved his daughter, Sonya. We were like “sisters in arms”. She was more
enlightened than many Europeans – also Mufida was very enlightened – Mufida
believes in reincarnation a rare characteristic of a muslim – men or women – I
hv only met 5 so far, who believe in reincarnation – one of them was a doctor
who studies history especially the Quran and confirmed that in the Quran it is
stated that we are reincarnated but never mind – you can construct any book the
way you wish – so much to the chapter RELIGION. And now to my religion – I have
NO religion – but I believe in God – strongly – my “religions” are only two –
good and bad – I follow the good path – the baddies can do without me. For me
there is neither color, race nor religion – there is ONLY heart and soul. That
we finally get to that point.
So I was there – speaking English – having learnt some Arabic in Switzerland for
nothing actually… it was pretty funny to get to know the Libyan language as a
“mix of Italian, Berber and some Arabic”. Kef halek – which is high Arabic and
means “how are you” is there “Shin Shouw” – (i.e. how is the weather) and then
you would not reply as an Arab with “queis” – you will reply: saga wa nou – which
means cold and hot… I loved it actually – my husband was cursing… that his
“own” language went out of hands (down the drain, he said) – no more grammar
and no more “real nice use” of Arabic. He studied Arabic literature and poetry
and he is a very good poet actually – that brought him to political prison
having written pamphlets abt the leader already at that time.
However – back to facts: I bore my kids there – Athana in 2003 (I still
call her my 40th birthday gift) and Mustafa 10 months later – both
with caesareans.
First all went well – he took care abt his daughter was crazy abt “his
little girl” – like all there – when I woke up fm the narcosis, doctor
(professor, doctor) Mustafa (yes, my son is named after him – because of
respect), said: she is beautiful.
I was happy and somehow proud. Not because of her being beautiful but
that she was there – because she did appear in a dream of mine when I was 29
and she explicitly said to me: “I want to be born, NOW”. Yes – she is an Aries
– only one sign of the Zodiac is like: I want to… In my dream i was laughing –
I answered her actually - because we can guide our dreams – we do have this
ability – so I said: “if you want to be born, NOW, then you hv to search for
another mother, because my boyfriend (a Swiss) does not want children”.
I never heard fm her anymore – but when I was pregnant only abt 14 days
– my doctor spoke abt the “foetus” I interrupted him and said “SHE” – she is my
girl. He probably thought I am round the bend… never mind – we had an
improvement in our “soul relation” only when my daughter was born. – now – I
skip the next parts – because it would be TOO long and TOO much – I go to
Mustafa’s birth – when Mustafa was born in February 2004 – my husband went
away. Out of the house – did not help me after my operation – just left me
alone – I had Mustafa alone – I had the caesarean and I had to get up after
operation in hospital already – all alone – nobody helped me – neither my
mother in law nor anyone else. And then it started again – despite of flying
after he kicked (abandoned) his bakery shop which he paid with my money I gave
him fm my pension fund. He was somehow unhappy – so he started going away –
sometimes 3 days and 3 nights continuously – when he came home he was unshaved
and looked somehow filthy – the man who is the vainest I know – very very picky
– even when his jeans were not ironed – he did iron them… and every hair had to
be placed in the adequate direction…
So he came home smelled like smoke – (heavy smoker) and there was this
notion of alcohol – but I thought I cannot believe it… i.e. no – it is a Muslim
country – no. Only the embassies were the ones to serve alcoholic drinks – i.e.
I closed my eyes to the truth. Despite of knowing that Libya was still an Italian colony
with all the knowledge of preparing things – i.e. making wine – brewing beer
and worse – the very worst spirit I had ever smelled in my life – only burnt
once i.e. normally you do burn that spirit twice… so it is even very dangerous
to your health.
Ignorant as a European woman - however – after half a year of Mustafa’s
birth – I had cramps and finally vomited – I had gallstones – old ones – the
doctor said – but in Switzerland with dandelion and other bitter herbs and my
best friend who is a doctor in acupuncture – we maintained that problem well –
yet in Libya – meat, too much tomatoes – i.e. acids – to the level – which
actually did force them to a level – that the operation had to be done in 2005.
My husband’s brother Nurheddin did operate me personally with his best friend –
Nurheddin knows me well – also my convictions in herbology, homeopathy and
other fields – which he firstly did not approve but then sent me even some of
his “hopeless” cases like neurodermatitis which i cured with oil fm YOUR PLANT
in India – the Neem tree.
However sorry again, for that deviation.
When i was in hospital for that operation – my husband came – it was
around 03:00 hrs in the morning – and then the truth revealed: he was fully
drunk – suddenly all the 3 days/nights were in my head – i was sitting in a
blind state – never really understanding that he was drinking all the time –
suffering of his own self pity of his cage / case: Borderline. We had it
oscillated i don’t know how many times – my therapist said – “i am so sorry but
98% is the result – i did confirm at least 10 times – because i could not
believe it.”
So – Borderline – i googled it in one of my morning sessions in the
Internet café in El Furnaj – Tripoli and found out that these people need
therapy – Borderline cannot be cured – it is said – ok – on my opinion ALL can
be cured – but that is my “ignorant” opinion. I sent mails to London to a special clinic and did tell them
the “stage” in which my husband was in and asked for the time of recreation.
They said at least 4 years. Waiting for so long – no, I could not take it
anymore. Btw: That was after the following incident
In 2007 early year. It was night – my husband was not at home – it was
23:30 – i had just put the kids to bed. He arrived fully drunk. The kids, of
course were screaming: “daddy daddy” – and joined him in his smoking room –
which had no glass windows – since initial moving in (i.e. for more than 4
years) – i.e. only the shutters which were closed all the time and bars that no
one would be able to enter. There he took them – it was early year i.e. January
/ February – cold – yes also in Libya
it can be very cold. I went to him and asked: “pls – the kids should go to bed
– one is only wearing socks but no house shoes the other one is wearing house
shoes but no socks – they freeze and might get ill.” He did not even react. So
I took them – one out of his arms (a huge mistake) i.e. my daughter and my son
and put them to bed, again. I had just closed the door to their room and came
out. He rushed out of the smoking room and had a face I hv never seen before:
utterly enraged, furiously upset and he shouted at me: “nobody pushes me away”.
He manoeuvred me to the corner between wall and door – pushed the lock up with
his elbow and started strangling me – the kids came out of course because of
the noise and witnessed their own father trying to kill me. Then I spoke to God
directly – no more prayer just the facts: I said: “Look God – I would love to
join you because this (sorry for the expression but I really said it) shit life
I am sick and tired of it and honestly I don’t want anymore, but look at my
little ones. What if he crosses that line?”
I had no more air when I ended the sentence, and thought “ok, that was
it then” when suddenly his middle finger emerged in front of my mouth, I bit in
it fully; i.e. through the nail. He let go and jerked back at the same time – I
finally had air again and screamed for my life. Mufida was banging on the door
– after three starts I finally managed to open the door. His family also had a
key but since my husband had his elbow on the lock they were unable to enter.
Mufida entered and then sent me to her parents’ house, where I had a nervous
breakdown – was shaking and was shivering and just crying. It was impossible to
think – there was only one thing remaining: panic. And then another thought
materialized: I have to leave him for good.
After abt 3 quarters of an hour – his mother and Mohamed were talking to
him – Mohamed is his youngest brother – I think Adel his third brother would
have killed him – he was in prison at that time for a crime he did not commit –
but never mind…
However – he came to me and said: “I am sorry fm the bottom of my
heart”.
This I leave here. I thought that was the most negative climax in my
life in Libya
– no, my husband went even farther.
Another night – he did not come home; it was in spring – they had made “our”
garden in front of the three houses – his parents’ house – his brother’s house
and ours in the middle of the others – i.e. it was completely beautifully
restored. So – no more laundry in front of the house – my mother in law did
tell me that and no more that and this and – with other words – get all out –
the garden is only the garden and nothing else would be in there anymore – ok –
fine – I understood.
Next day – morning – my husband came home fully drunk (at DAYTIME – what
a sacrilege) and saw the garden – nothing more in it. He went to his mother and
asked abt what was the matter. She told him then and I said it is ok – Salah –
he looked at me and said go into the house – you hv nothing to say. I have no
idea what else they had been discussing cause they went to his mother’s house –
he just came back in our house and said: “now it is done – I have forbidden my
whole family to talk to you. And if they will not obey (he is the eldest son)
then he would throw out his youngest brother’s wife to the garbage where she
actually belonged.” Then he went to bed – because he was so drunk…
Well – so be it – actually I am grateful – not for what they did to the
kids – they threw the kids out, as well – out of the houses for 3 continuous
days – the souls of my kids still remember till today and still do not
understand why. However – after the third day – my kids were allowed to go
there, again. Yet, whenever I passed in front of the door or window of their
houses, they closed the door/windows gently but firmly and did ignore me. When
Mohamed told his mother in Libyan in front of my bedroom window what he thought
abt the behaviour of my husband i.e. his drinking and that he would still talk
to me – his mother said – “you hv to obey – he is the eldest – the first born.
So, no more questions. You do what we all have to do. You do not talk to her
anymore.”
Ok – that was tough but very good at the same time – I had no more
friends in his family and was able to plan my leave back to Switzerland. I did complete my
journey back here – with 11 suitcases – yes ask abt overweight with a flight –
but at the airport my husband (even so being a pilot) was unable to get these out
of the country without an extra price. His colleague said – “I cannot – my boss
is there.” By that time Swiss already belonged to Lufthansa so I said to my
husband “let me talk with the boss there in private.” My husband said ok – and
I went. I addressed him in Swiss German – he said “I am sorry – I only speak
German.” – so I switched and told him the simple truth – that I was to leave my
husband and that it was all my luggage – kids’ toys, clothes, shoes – some of
my stuff and that was it. Yes – I moved 11 luggage pieces and left ALL my
ENTIRE household to my ex-husband. The man said “Ok – you can I allow you to.”
And did tell the other employees abt it. He was so finished after what I had
told him and went for a coffee. The
check-in was done. My husband looked at me and said – “how did you do that?
That is a miracle.” – I only replied with: “I told him the truth.”
Then I was to show my passport at the passport check – and – omg… it was
not valid… i.e. it was but had no “re-entry visa” which is actually required in
Libya – if you want to get out of the country – you need a re-entry visa. My
husband was furiously upset. Yes – the kids do not need it – they have both
passports – i.e. the Libyan AND the Swiss – of course – so there it was not
necessary.
Luckily as a pilot he knew all offices at the airport and then – he went
off – with my passport. The flight to Switzerland was scheduled at 13:20.
At 13:10 he was not back. I was walking to and fro – felt like a tiger in a
cage… was so nervous till I forced myself to sit down – with the kids – and
then – in my silence and peace a voice in my head said: “YOU WILL SIT ON THAT
PLANE to Switzerland because it is over.”
Then finally I became very quiet because i believe/d that voice fm
within. And yes – 3 minutes later he arrived – shouting at me again: “you can
be lucky that I know this airport and all bosses here – I had to go to any
place in this building – and be lucky also that I wore my uniform – here is
your passport!” (yes, his uniform with only three of the “necessary” four stripes
to make him senior pilot – wow – he had NO idea how happy I was to get out of
there…)
However – he brought us to the gate and there we left and yes – we got
back to Switzerland
– and there I was.
***
Now being here – going through my life – having no regular job still –
as a mother of two – and no alimonies nor contact since November 2008 anymore –
with my husband, that last phone call was then. Mufida finally did go against
my husband and his order to not address me anymore. She decided to call me by
phone and write e-mails to me. She told me that her mother was sick – paralysed
and that they had to support her. So I called my husband and told him: your
mother is paralysed – will you help her – she got you out of political prison
when you were there – she even went to the leader’s house and talked to the
leader’s wife to help you and get you out.
He said: THAT IS NOT MY PROBLEM –
So then I knew – that not only his own mother was not his problem
despite of all she sacrificed and did for him – but with this answer he also
said: that I and his kids of his own blood were not his problem either.
Fine – he added that he was grateful that I had the kids – because he
was anyway unable to take care of them due to lack of time – yes… no comment…
Now – my dear friends – this happened to me – I left all my belongings
in Libya – the most hurtful were my books – my library – which actually
represent KNOWLEDGE not the material – but never mind – I know how it is to let
go.
Will you let me go, too, please?
THANK YOU – thank you all for being my friends and please do take care –
all of you and all the best in your lives
Thora (my real name) – alias ivee nia
