jennysdiary’s blog

excerpts from a chat  with a friend

My conversations with Abhi-01

ABHI   
:  Hi, Dibya…I wish to talk to U abt the dichotomy of our social life
and personal    aspirations and wishes…tell me…how many times hv u
deprived urself of   enjoying the spring, coz of work , family n social
obligations? How many   times hv you thought childhood as better, when
ur mind was as light as a feather?

DIBYA:
Abhi, these experiences differ frm person to person…depending upon what
types of ppl hv a say in ur matters…depending upon what ur heart n mind
perceives as
ur priorities…if there is significant clash between
what u want or what u believe in..and the aspirations of those who form
an integral,part of ur life…

ABHI
: my Q is,  can we  fix our priorities according to our will?Suppose
the morning is too pleasant for me to squander away, doing no work…can
I afford to?….my obligations wud’nt permit me…suppose i want to make a
solitary trip into the jungle and be with myself for a few days? will
my family obligations allow me to do so? Suppose i strongly love
someone, who i find to be my soulmate…will my social life allow me to
speak  my mind to her? being so chained for a long time, dont we come
to a stage where we forget how to fly in the open sky?…either knowingly
or unknowingly, we suppress our wishes n wills….

DIBYA:Abhi
, U r drawing me into realms, i often traverse, all by myself…let me
tell you one thing…i hv had my share of grieviances..and now I am sure
U hv had urs….Of this I am sure that U have had serious conflicts
between what ur heart desires..and between what the circumstances of ur
life dictate
U
know Abhi , there is something inside me, that  raises its rebellious
head at the slightest hint of suppression…be it by any individual or by
any institution…till I was 14, i scarcely knew what type of person i
was…..or what I wanted in life….never had any clashes with friends or
elders either..the reason was I was’nt even aware, i had a person
called ME to grapple with..
then
slowly I started becoming  aware of what makes me feel gud….i luved to
trust ppl…i loved poems n what they conveyed to the extent, that I fell
in love with the poets, knowing that most of them were long since
dead., it did not matter to me…..I felt one with them..like I cud meet
them at will, thro’ their thought processes…..philosophies interested
me…my mind started raising many questions…abt religious beliefs,
customs, practices…i found I never cud do the things that ppl do,
without being convinced of the sensibility of what they did…
I
never cud do things coz it was the Done thing…I questioned..and it is
not as though i wanted that what i perceived as the Truth shd be seen
in the same light by others….I always expressed my view, and left  the
other person free to prove me wrong….to find the loopholes in my
propositions…..and the ppl i  argued with were not all merely ordinary
ppl..they were the best in their field….i wanted to be proved
wrong….coz i know my views r very much in contrast with popular views…I
use ppl more like a sounding board…..wanting all the time that I be
proved wrong…coz out there where my mind thrives..it is quite lonely
Abhi ..and i am as social as I am an individual, with a distinct
personality that wont budge easily….so clash of sorts is always part of
life…..but I live amicably with all around me…..
not coz I bow to their dictates…but inspite of being what am…..am I making sense Abhi?

ABHI:
Certainly…now I get a clear picture of my friend….U r extremely
inquisitive, rational and rebellious…..but surely u must know the fate
that the likes of Socrates met with for going against popular beliefs……

DIBYA:
ha ha ha,…I have often joked with friends, that hd I been born in
another era..i wud certainly hv been burnt at the stake, like Joan of
arc….for the common GOOD…

ABHI
: but i find two forces always working within me…one..the centrifugal
force working to tear all ties..and the other trying to tie me up with
the material world,,,,,,I hv written a piece on this which i plan to
publish soon…and now i understand ur passion for poetry…U know
Dibya…only a true rebel is a poet…and only a poet can be a true rebel……

DIBYA:
U can understand when I say, there is poetry in nature….there is poetry
within me and without me…..and I mean to strike a harmony betweext the
two..else what purpose , life?..surely i am not going to sacrifice my
life at the altar of falsehood…..I will live true to myself……and I tell
the person opposite me….u live the way u choose to…if that is what
makes u happy…..if u dont have the guts to stand up for urself, then
sorry no one can help you….but dont tell me that ur way is the right
way…coz then I shall tell you that my way is right..then wud u leave ur
way and follow mine?…then dont ask me to leave mine…we walk our ways,
but we r still friends if u choose to be, coz after all I love U as a
person..and I expect U to respect my individuality  as a person, if not
love me……

ABHI
: and what is Love, Dibya, between a man and a woman..?…..is it
dependence, or understanding or expectations, or passion or caring?..I
have tried to find out but failed again and again……let me know ur
views..I’ve something to tell you……

DIBYA:
I am exploring this in the Maanav series ABHI…for me love is something
u experience deep within u, for another…the one gets hurt and the other
feels the pain much more than that one…U want the best for the one u
love…..if that means a friend other than you, still ur heart wants only
the best for that special one….U’d go to the end
of the world to
see that one happy……this is not just what every poet or lover
feels…..it is something I hv tested against my own feelings……and what I
feel deep down for those I love…  


ABHI
: To me Love is a soul-searching process…it is a concept rather than
something material…..In one of his poems Tagore says, we leave behind
half of our soul, in some other world, at the time we r born, and we
desperately try to find that other half, throughout our life…but
unfortunately our tunings never match with that other half..and we go
on searching…

DIBYA
: Abhi, u r speaking abt what I call a soul-mate…..as a comment on one
of my Maanav series, someone asked me, whether there was a thing called
a soul-mate…..I wrote back that down the ages, the yearnings that r
written abt in poems….the never-ending Quest…..that if the need for a
supernatural being to explain away, the mysteries that surround
life…can give rise to a God, then definitely this yearning that if not
all, but some of us feel to meet up with that soul-mate….surely that
wud prove that there is a thing called a soul-mate..my heart burns
sometimes with this yearning which is inexplicable….and as you say,
there must be something……else how do u explain the yearning within…..U
remember my poem?..THE ETERNAL QUEST?…..I have alluded to this in that
poem….my poems usually flow from deep within me Abhi….I actually live
those experiences that i write of…..and I fail to understand
myself..coz there is no  one person I know, to whom I can attribute
these feelings and say, this is the way i feel abt u….and yet those
feelings and expressions of mine r real….

ABHI
: now u have come to the crux of the matter…….as u said just now..that
u feel something deep within ur heart, but cannot attribute it to any
one…actually u r searching for ur inner self……it cannot be complemented
by anyone outside……tell me what wud happen if u got ur partner?….wud
the vaccuum inside you be filled up?
i
think if we do meet up wid that so-called partner..then the quest
appears  to  vanish and if we do not, then we experience pain..to hv
failed in love reduces the self-confidence, coz it attacks the self
esteem and the Ego…conversely a successful love affair only serves to
satisfy our Ego..in a way it is again a soul searching or a self
searching process…..

DIBYA
: then why the yearning for something outside you Abhi….why the pangs
of separation frm a being u do not even know, exists……or is it that,
that being is caught in a time-zone other than that in which u find
urself…?

ABHi
: therein lies the magic of God..we try to find without that which lies
within ourselves…..when after putting in a lot of efforts, we give up,
then comes the call frm within…..we realize that love is neither a
matter of absolute surrender, nor is it a matter of possession…..that
is when enlightenment dawns upon ur spirit….

DIBYA
: I hv often wondered abt this Abhi….has this yearning got something to
do with one’s urge to merge with the Creator……is that what this
inexplicable yearning is all abt?
I
wud subscribe to Vivekanand’s thinking that We r part of the  whole and
that this part is always wanting to merge with that whole…..he speaks
of the divinity within which has to manifest itself…

ABHI
: I do not know the answers Dibya..I am trying to find out in my own
way…..but I must say it is a great pleasure talking to u…..the
philosophy u mentioned is called Dwaitawaad….but I am more interested
in Adwaitawaad…..but u must be sleepy now…we shall call it a day……

DIBYA : let me tell you a joke…..

ABHI: ha ha ha…..it is indeed wonderful, that we can joke thus……

DIBYA
: Abhi ..that is what  life is about…having done the things u HAVE  to
do…do the things u WANT to do….no matter if it is standing like a fool
, getting wet in the rain…or strolling off into some jungle to be with
urself..or simply to stand and stare……or maybe listen  to some soulful
music, which is close to ur heart…..if possible with a close friend ,
who wud care to listen to it with you……..