Sifting thro’ the pgs of jenny’s diary, i find now onwards there’s a definite downhill slide….in   her morale……..despair,
negativity….pgs after pgs of outpourings, which mirror her inner strife……her struggle to keep herself going…but for Ted’s steady
hand, i am sure, Jen wud have given up…but even here, she seems to
have been fighting her growing inclinations towards Ted….. .

She writes
once….


            Surely Mom & Dad r noticing what’s happening between
Ted & me……I cannot bear dad’s aloofness……I wish to look dad in the eye and assure him, that i wud never let him down……….I even broached the matter
with mom….Mom, the sweet woman, that she is , did not even look up as
she said, “I am 200% sure, no daughter of mine wud break another
woman’s home…..!”….. Such trust..!!…..or is it a statement of expectation….A subtle boundary, that she is knowingly or unwittingly drawing..??//…….I spoke to Ted about it…..his point-blank reply…”U r killing urself jenny…and i wont let u die , like this…more than that, i do do not wish to say….”

      It appears to be during this period that Jenny went for those anti-depressants in a big way………A combination of pain, resulting from a broken marriage, an attempt to smother her growing inclinations, towards Ted….a desire to give up on Life….above all, her Faith seems to have taken a battering ….

she writes…

      Itne saal, maine is ummeed mein kaate, ki kabhi toh Jeff sudhrega….aur sab theek ho jayega , mere liye….aur  is sab ke dauraan, meri ekmaatr taakat thi mera khuda par bharosa..meri ibaadat…..but how cud i have been so blind……in all the happenings around me, in the sufferings, in the pain around…I can see the harshness God is capable of……in what way am I different?///…..in what way am I special…..??/Why shd I expect anything different from God..?///…..So, if it does’nt matter to God, what I am going thro’…then goddammit, why am i going thro’ this hell??….why dont i put an end to it all, and be done with it..?///..but ofcourse…the kids….He knows very well how to trap man…..So I make a pact with u god….I live to give my kids all i can…but i go easy on myself too…..sleeping pills….that’s my answer to my pain….albeit temporary…but at least i can be dead for  a few hours at a time……no pain….

   For two yrs Jen was with her parents……then news started trickling in that Jeff’s health was fast deteriorating…her in-laws kept sending out feelers…whether Jen wud consider coming back….she was the only hope for Jeff , they said…else, she wud lose him for good……..on the other hand…her relationship with Ted was just beginning to get transparent….she was aware of the impending threat to his married life……the final decisive moment for Jenny seems to have come, when Jeff was found lying on the road, drunk and unconscious…..

Both her children were against her going back…”Dad wont change mom…it’ll be the same story, again…..Let’s not go back….”

Then one day, Jeff was on the phone…”Come back Jenny….I need u…”

“It’s ur people , coaxing u to call me back, Jeff..”…she said….

“No Jenny….I want u back too….trust me….I need u…..”

“I dont trust u Jeff……I dont trust u at all….but I am coming back……come and get me….else my father wont let me go…”

Jeff did’nt wait long after that……her parents were’nt for it at all…neither her brother, nor her sisters……but everyone knew Jen only too well…..the dictates of her heart…that’s what she ever listened to….no one cud make her do anything otherwise……

Jeff was at her door…..and Jen took leave of her parents…….to return with Jeff……

from jenny……
Ted spends so much time here, with me, I have to actually remind him of his other commitments and coax him to leave…..But then what is happening to me..?//It is not two minutes since he leaves, than I am already waiting for his next visit.He occupies my mind , even in his absence.My heart yearns to just rest my head on his shoulder and let go…My vulnerability is at its deepest , in his absence and deeper still in his presence….creating a gaping void in me…, which Ted is fast filling up…like a huge wave crashing into a churning whirlpool…and getting sucked in uncontrollably…..God, this raging tempest, will sink both of us…….How I wish I cud be a Rock, against which Ted will crash like a wave & return …back to where he belongs…..but these cracks within me…..I am getting eroded, way beyond recognition, …… the onslaught of these waves………the threat of getting submerged looms large…….
another day…another chapter….

Yesterday was Rakhsha bandhan day…….I was all set with that sacred thread, that was meant to draw the boundaries between Ted and me…….I’d thought I’d made myself as  hard as the rock I’d envisioned myself to be…and that this physical boundary that I wud be drawing wud take care of any pitfalls that might threaten Ted and me in the future……

What I had not bargained for was, Ted’s reaction…..

One look at that raakhee, which i had looked upon with so much reverence.,…and Ted scoffed…”Jenny, do u really believe in all that stuff..?……………….I dont….!!”

I held the two strings of this thing that was like a Godsend to me, at the moment………. beckoning to Ted, to put forth his wrist..and Ted stood there looking into my eyes, his lips laughing, but those eyes ever so penetrating….he put out his wrist……..

“Tie it Jenny…if u wish, but that piece of thread means nothing to me..it will not change anything for me….dammit…I’ve seen u  inside out, a hundred times, in my mind’s eye…and my feelings for u r far from brotherly….U know it and I know it…and damn why r we fighting it out so much……….”

He had been fiddling all the while with something on the table, while I had lowered myself  into the nearby settee…….He suddenly turned towards me…there was a hint of command in his tone, as he said…”Come on Jenny, that guy Jeff never did deserve u…and here I am, standing before u, wanting to kiss away all those precious tears of urs……” ..He drew me towards him……and I lay my head against his shoulder, which seemed to me, as wide as the ocean at the time…..i simply sank into him, while his fingers played with my hair, and sobbed into his chest, like never before…….

Kyon hone diya aisa, mere saath…??//


Yeh sawaal tere aur mere beech, aa gaya hai,

raha hai…..


Yeh tu jaanta hai………….

/P8Hlmhttp://lh4.ggpht.com/_s3odPatepFc/SfUv_xPf2JI/AAAAAAAAADoWYVuFY/s800/Nature.jpgNeglect, Torture, Scorn …….ur skies afford naught, but these…
And with ever increasing generosity, do U shower it upon my world…….
gggg
        I thank U…..with Contempt, Hatred, disgust,…I repay U threefold..
        Know this, foul fiend….U do not vanquish me………

Cold I am, & hungry too…..from without…..
Within kindles a Fire……..
Of LOve, strength, Invincibility….
Nay…..U cannot touch me…..!!!!

      I defy u…..with Cold Determination, I defy u……
      Inflict on me, all U have in store…..

My Spirit shall Rise…!!!……
Unscathed, Resplendent, Scarred…..But not Subdued……
U cannot really Touch me….

A penetration of sorts into the human mind…….acute depression, combined with a desperate bid, to fight it out…….the fight for survival against odds……that’s how I see this poem written by Jenny, during that dark period of her life……..loneliness that was threatening to break her….her realization of her responsibilities towards her kids…..therefore the need to triumph …her anger against the God, she desperately wished to believe in…..her faith  going thro’ a period of  upheaval……..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPbF1M6S_

1—–…if u like the song…….do enjoy it thoroughly first…………and leave it at that….

2——since u have come to this page, if the song reminds u of JENNY….i must add here, that…..Jen survived the ordeal, she went thro’ at that time, only and only becoz of TED’S unwavering devotion towards her…..so while she suffered pangs of separation from Jeff…. Ted’s tenderness and affection was’nt entirely lost upon her…..her own insecurities , served to kindle the spark…..and it appears from her diaries , that she found herself, in constant introspection mode…… trying to fight her growing attachment towards Ted…

taking u thro the lanes and by-lanes of jenny’s mind…..narration of incidents shed light on what happens on the face of things…….what goes on behind the scenes…….yonder…deep within the confines of the mind…..what jenny went thro….this is what had a bearing on  what went to make jenny ,the jenny that she became in the yrs to come….but does this not apply to all of us…..moulding……the moulding of our personalities is a life-long process….it goes on till the end in fact…..and jenny was not one to stagnate…..whether it was joy or pain…..she gave it a full run…..and she paid for it dearly…always…but then that was jenny….

jenny’s diary:

I was dead the day i realized that i’d played the wrong card…..the most

reins of my life…or i am just going to let go...i’ve lived the last so many

much, that i’ve made this bold bid for life....and God….u have stood by

do that…..

if it is only a question of controlling oneself….then okay..so i am in Control.,…. rest …there’s no Love, , no Hatred, no Compassion, no Pity, in this world, right..?//Only a ruthless Stoniness…….!!!!!!Love when it suits U….feel this, feel that, when it suits u…..otherwise, Control Urself. Right GOD..??/Is this ur DOCTRINE…?///….And I have no choice right..?//….I am at ur bitter mercy….!!!It is 2 noon, now…..Thrice since morning, the thought of suicide has hit me, real hard and strong…..I am stalling, as much as I can…..!!!!!Even if I give myself 7 -8 yrs, to make this appointment with death…….till diana sweet and roy, get on their feet….it is frightening….7-8 yrs is a long time…..evry minute weighs heavy….evry minute drags on like ages….will I be able to stall till then…?// It is all very well for Papa and Mama and Ted and the others, to tell me…be brave……am brave dammit….but what do i do wid this heart of mine, that screams wid pain…??

yeh god bhi football khelta hai mere saath…..aisa kick maara hai….duur chali jaaun toh bounce hoke phir waapis na lautoon….!!!!maar de  kuch aisa hi ek kick, ae khuda…..ye khel hi khatm ho jaye……

kal ye sawaal baar baar mere saamne aata raha………achaanak woh mere saamne aa gaya toh mai kya karoongi………kya karoongi…??…..ro padoongi..  sahi………..  lekin kya uski ore badhungi..?//nahi…kal phirse woh saari baatein mere saamne aa gayeen jo usne mere saath kiya…!! nahi Jeff….yun mai tere paas phirse daudi nahi aa sakti….tu ne mujhe khudse duur kiya hai….tere liye jo mai har saans chali itne saalon mein….uski kadar tu ne nahi ki….raat din mere khayaalon mein tu hi tu tha…aur tu….tu ne mere saath kya kiya..?/mere liye kya kiya..?//

nahi….jis tarah mai apne aap se jhoojhti rahi hoon, is koshish mein lagi rahi hoon, ke kis tarah tujhe khush rakhoon….ab teri baari hai….agar tu ne wakai mei  mujhe dilse nikaal diya hai, toh samajh le, tu mujhe hamesha ke liye kho chuka hai………..aur agar tere dil mein mere liye jageh hai…toh tujhe wahi tadap mehsoos karni hogi jo maine itne saalon mein tere liye kiya hai…..tujhe jhoojhna hoga apne aapse….apne andar dhoondke dekhna hoga, ki jo kabhi dil-o-jaan se teri thi , aaj woh teri zindagi mein kyon nahi hai…tujhe khudko mere rang mein dhaalna hoga ab…mujhe meri sharton par apnaana hoga….nahi toh , GOODBYE Jeff….mai tere bagair bhi mar sakti hoon…!!!!!meri kabr pe candle bhi na jalaana….jo zindagi mein ek-doosre ke na ho sake, woh maut ke baad kyon..??///…aur jitne bhi mere din baaki hain, meri koshish yahi rahegi, ki mai tujhe bhool jaaun…tu ne mujhe zinda laash bana diya hai…aur laash banke jeena mere liye bahut mushkil hai…….!!mujhe phirse jeene ki izzaazat de de…mai jee loongi…mera khuda mere saath hai….dua karti hoon, tere saath bhi hon……

expanse of the ocean……

Here are pages directly from Jenny’s diary………her own sketching……………followed by these words…

.A ship stately and proud once………considered mistress of the seas and the winds..!!!

Now deflated by the tempest………

    but a lone carcass in the wide , wild expanse of the ocean……………………….



those that see ur brilliance…call u God……

U r but a rock to me………

U hurt me whenever I lean on U………