jennysdiary's blog » Love

21-jen’s return[part two of this evening's post]

deby — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 13:54:56 +0000

              That Jeff would not change , as Jen thought he would, is very much obvious to the eye that sees the story from an objective angle…that is from without…That he needed a psychiatrist is but the natural conclusion.
    In real life though, does a person like Jeff admit in the first place that he needs one?……Is it possible for a wife alone to convince him , that he needs one…?
            No, there was no one in Jeff’s family either, who cared to take the initiative in these matters.Usually the stand everyone takes is…”It is between the husband and the wife…..Who knows what the real problem is…how can anyone interfere…..?! “
   In Jen’s case , her brother and her sisters and her parents had but one solution ,for Jen’s   problems.. ..”Divorce..!…divorce the man.We are there for u…”

     But Jen was a person, who lived by the dictates of her heart, in these matters…in fact, in most matters, Jen did nothing but follow her heart….nothing else mattered to her……That she decided to brave it out with Jeff, under one roof is a fact of Jen’s life…the reasons…well , she gave many. I do not aim to justify her act, by drawing up a list of all those reasons ….but what I can state with conviction, is that Jen was definitely not the type who believed that a woman’s place is at her husband’s feet, to be trampled upon, at his will…nor was she the typical BHARTIYA Nari prototype, that believes that marriages are made in heaven and that fate has destined her to suffer, and therefore she shd suffer……nor did she believe that a woman’s husband is her God, and that she shd suffer martyrdom for his sake…

       No …far from it…..she never hesitated to speak up, when she saw a woman suffer at the hands of a man or vice-versa…yes..vice-versa….! She was very outspoken in these matters and spoke with such authority, she made those present , speechless..her words could cut like a knife, even while they acted like soothing balm over the afflicted…she had that natural knack of being straightforward and forceful,without being offensive……She spoke with such conviction…..

    Even this decision of hers to go back to Jeff, inspite of everything, was born out of her fierce convictions. She thought with her heart, but with the combination of a mind blessed with the force of a thousand wise souls…Jen came across as a very strong person to all those who knew her….

20 -Jenny’s return[ part one of this evening's post]

deby — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 12:06:12 +0000

                 Within two weeks , Jenny returned to Jeff……..!!!!!!! Yepp….that’s the way it went buddies……well that’s life…or rather Jenny’s life….did’nt follow a storywriter’s script…..
   Jeff kept phoning her and pleading with her to come back…”I cannot live with him….and I cannot live without him…I might as well go back and try to live with him…maybe he’ll improve….He has chances of getting healed , if I go back……without me he’s a lost case….”

    Jenny going back to Jeff surprised only those who knew her from afar.But to all those who knew Jen at close range…nothing that she ever did came as a surprise…..we all knew she was as tough as she was sensitive….or vice-versa…..if u know what I mean….!! Many of our women in India are……..but let me not digress….

     [ But] what gave Jen strength was her inner fortification…She was heavily fortified from within….she drew her strength from within her, not from without…

              What made her do the things she did……She was a complexity of kinds. I cannot put my finger on any one thing that made Jenny what she was…all I can say is , she was different.The range of her interests in itself is uncommon.She dabbled in psychology and psycho-analysis…..Freud, Jung, Salmaan Akhtar….she had rare insights into human nature as it is,..which stood her in good stead, in all her relationships…be it in building rapport with her students, her inter-action with her colleagues,…her dealings with all those she came in contact with….

She was never impressed by any single school of thought and yet she was influenced by all…She said, ” Eternal truths are too large to be confined within the boundaries of any single school of thought…She could speak of Jesus, and Buddha and Krishna, in the same breath as she could speak of Nature’s law of Cause and Effect….

   “As you sow, so shall you reap”

   “Desire is the root cause of all evil”

and the Karmic philosophy of Krishna….

                .She said, strip all these of the religious flavour they are coated with, and what emerges is simply the very Natural law of Cause and Effect…..for evry action there is an equal and opposite reaction….{ Quantum physics fascinated her…..the fundamental nature of the universe will eventually unfold as research in this field progresses…many of our belief systems shd crumble in the light of these findings….albeit faith in God is and shd be the ruling force in man’s life….without it society will crumble….it’s a gud thing, people have faith in God…otherwise our society will not weather the storms of life……..} now take that whichever way u wish,…,it is not my aim to either defend or get critical about her views, as far as this blog is concerned…

             She saw the misery in her life as the direct result of her wrong decision, in marrying Jeff. She never believed in Destiny. She said, “I can remove this misery from my life ,by revoking that decision….but by deciding to split from him, I’ll be setting in motion a series of other events, which I do not wish to start off right now.T o correct one mistake, I shall not commit another…..So let me handle it my way…I always have the choice of getting out , when I have to. Right now Jeff needs me..and in the future…the children will need him too…and that’s it…’

19-the mirror cracked??????/

deby — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 14:49:06 +0000

It was the 7th yr of Jenny’s married life.The occasion….the marriage of Jeff’s younger brother. The formalities had come to an end….But Jeff’s house was still full of guests….Jen was not herself….symptoms of inner strife and tension showed on her face, But apart from the fact that Jeff was drinking heavily, there was no visible sign that anything was amiss.Then it happened….Jeff for the first time lost control over himself in public…started hurling abuses at Jenny…words that would jar the senses of any decent society.I was there, her parents were there….many of the guests were there…if not for Jeff ’s outburst, things would have gone off as usual.

         Things got out of hand , when Jeff got physical with Jen, right in front of her father……he caught her by the hair and before things could register on our minds…he was swinging her from side to side, by her hair till he flung her in a swinging motion …Jen went almost flying till she hit the cupboard in the far corner , and fell to the floor, losing her balance, totally. We could see her father barely controlling himself, clenching his fists. It was Jen’s mother who controlled him. There was a stunning silence in Jenny’s hall, in the midst of some 50 odd people.

            Her father finally spoke….

          ” Jen , pack ur bags……”

           Jen was too dazed. Tears were streaming down her face…..and her eyes spoke volumes….anguish…imploring eyes directed both at her father and at Jeff…embarassment before the guests, an attempt to compose herself…..a gamut of emotions running amok all over her face, almost in competition, with one another….Her sister and I took hold of her and led her to the bedroom. Her father waited outside.

    “I am taking her away…..” I heard him say.

I heard her in-laws trying to pacify him, asking him to cool down…things would ease out…..

But , for the first time, Jen’s mother, who was known for her patience spoke up…….She said..”No. things have gone too far…if he can do this to her in our presence….I can imagine what he must be doing to her , otherwise.Our daughter is precious to us.If Jeff does’nt realize her value…it is his loss…and Jeff seems to be a psycho…what he needs is a doctor….plz spare our daughter…..”

     Jen’s father too was adamant.He ordered Jen to pack .

Her sister pulled out a suitcase and put some of Jenny’s & the children’s clothes in it.

   Jeff’s people coaxed him to go and stop Jen from leaving.Jeff’s sister literally pushed him into the bedroom.

Jeff just sat there looking at Jen.

Jen was being led out of the room and her eyes did’nt seem to leave Jeff/. Their eyes were locked, as we all looked on helplessly.

Jeff got up to leave the room.Then Jen did something , which made her sister turn away in disgust. As Jeff was leaving, Jen fell to the floor, latching on to Jeff’s feet…..

    : Jeff, dont let this happen…tell them things will change…things can be so different between us Jefff….plz dont let this happen….”

Jeff pushed her away and left.

Her parents took her away.It was the 3rd of feb…….Jen applied for leave.

On the 6th feb , I was called into the office. From her ph.calls for leave, the Headmaster , [a Jesuit priest] had gathered that Jen was going thro’ a personal crisis. He was concerned and wished to visit her, but did’nt know where her parents lived.He wanted me to accompany him.

We met Jenny and her parents. Jen’s father was adamant…”I dont want her to go back…that boy does’nt deserve her……”

To which Jen replied…” He does’nt understand……..Jeff is very vulnerable emotionally…today it is not just my married life that is at stake…..it is my faith in God that is going to take a beating, if things dont work out for us…”‘

The children were playing in the far corner of the hall, innocent of the gravity of the situation “look at them….”, she said….”Look at their innocence…they r not even aware of what is happening…how could I write a ‘broken home’ in their fate so early in their life, without giving their father a chance…??/’

On our way back, Fr J…. had this to say…”It is unbelievable……her composure in sch,… her efficiency….one would never imagine, she is going thro’ a personal crisis of this magnitude…….and her faith….commendable…..’
‘

18-MEET JEFF

deby — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 15:54:19 +0000

In school:
a mild , gentle boy, shy by nature..intelligent, a first class student, averaging 80% marks in SSLC…a good athlete,excelling in gymnastics…though never initiated any mischief, ..took part in group mischief, so not a loner either, nor was he known to be particularly aloof

Diploma:
started out, but did’nt complete it.
reason: father being of meagre means, elder brother [army] was financing his edn:..Jeff overheard fights between brother & sis-in-law over Jeff’s educational expenses….discontd studies n left the house to live and work elsewhere

Later:
friendly with a girl, ..who left him to marry his second brother.Reason for the break-up..nobody knew

At Workplace:
where he worked, stayed with some co-workers, worked by day…spent evenings in misery over the broken affair….gave in to drinking, smoking, drugs..[Jen stopped the smoking and the drugs, within the first yr of their marriage....he never touched these two, after that]

Age 30:

Married Jenny[ she was 23 at the time] On the very first night of their wedding told Jenny about his affair [ without disclosing the identity of the woman concerned] told her that he had in fact written a letter to her…..telling her of his disinterest in the marriage..Jen had asked him, whether he had been disinterested in marrying or in marrying her in particular ……He told her he could’nt get over his first love…found it difficult to trust women, becoz of what his girl had done to him….that he had with-held the letter following threats of suicide, by his mom &sister, becoz by then things had gotten underway…cards had been distributed…

Jen asked him, what stand he wished to take now..that she was prepared to go back to her parents and he need’nt worry..she would handle her parents…he said , no…he just wanted a little time, to get hold of himself.
Jen agreed to co-operate, supported him in every way, she could..

He had barely touched Jen, during the early days of their marriage..To the casual eye, the couple , appeared to be very much in love….some doubted even that it was an arranged marriage….and Jen remembers him being very gentle with her, during those days

Then he was out of his job and the rest is history
the other side of the coin
So for Jen, it was not a mentally derranged husband, she was handling at first..it appeared more like a jilted lover, who needed just to overcome his insecurities, following a break-up and she had faith in herself that her love would soon get him out of it..
When she finally saw signs of mental derrangement in him [she did not see it as abuse, at the time] she felt he needed to see a doctor more than anything else..but without Jeff’s co-operation,this was’nt possible. She tried to put it to him mildly once, ..to which his reaction was very violent. For days he harrassed her, raving in his drunken-ness…did she think he was a psycho…..

She bore everything in silence, giving him time to take hold of himself…she decided if anyone could save this man. it was she…..she saw his mental anguish, more than anything else..perfectly in keeping with Jenny’s nature…she never could bear to see anyone in pain..least of all, someone she had fallen in love with…..

17-gory details

deby — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 16:33:37 +0000

Jeff’s niece’s wedding….the wedding hall…...
From her diary;

I tried sitting in one place….in a corner…..so that

nobody would talk to me much..

but then this doesn’t work out.From out of the

blue..there’s always someone…I tried to make myself

busy….so that no one could stand with me for more

than two min…But the children…I could’nt keep them

in one place..they kept running about..and out of the

hall to play.How cud I leave them…..I kept going out

to keep an eye on them..to see they were safe…from

the shadows, Jeff suddenly came upon me..”.U r

coming out so often to draw attention u b***** !”he

said…Get into the car, just now…we r going home ….”

Damn the tears of mine….they r never in control.

They just start spilling..I just went n sat in the

car…lest someone shd see me crying. He pushed

Diana n Roy in and got in after me . We came home

without taking leave of anyone……with him abusing

me all the way..and the driver trying to pretend hard

he could’nt hear anything…..ph.calls asking me why

we left in such a hurry. What do I tell them…..am

having a tough time keeping my voice from breaking.

Damn me…why cant i ignore him?…Why do I have to

get all emotional n teary-eyed?gud I did’nt invite any

of my staff members…there wld have been so many

unasked ques on the work scene…

Another entry…

This guy from Germany was here yesterday…Janice had sent him…a

German….her husband’s friend…come on a tour of India…we were to

put him up here for the night….the guy had to be made to feel at home

here….. he would take experiences from here back home…Indian

hospitality….jeff could’nt even carry off a normal conversation with

him…i still stayed aloof, knowing what jeff would do to me…..finally when

the silence became heavy, jeff himself came n said to me that i must

attend to the guest…it turned out the man was a buddhist…..he started

out with feeling uneasy in the strange surrounding…soon we got to

talking..he wanted to know many things about india..about …indian

cultures …i had to keep the conversation going, while i served him

dinner….and i can talk about these things…so by and by the man

loosened up …enjoyed the dinner n talking to me,,,and said

so….formality demanded it too…..he retired to the guest room..least

aware of what was in store for his hostess ,for having attended to him….I

could sense the violence building up in Jeff…but still what i was in for..i

never could have imagined ……i was tired.. i just tried to fall asleep,

hoping Jeff would fall asleep too …he put off the lights and advanced

towards me …i cringed….he was upon me…pinning me down..but this

time he took me totally unawares…his knees were on either side of my

neck..and God ..that thing… he was pushing it down my throat…..as

deep as he could..i was suffocating……..and that uggh going down my

throat and i was swallowing it,gulping for breath, …..he was raving n

ranting…”b****..prove u r mine…..prove u r mine ..”

does this type of thing happen between other couples?//..how do i

know…i cannot ask somebody this sort of thing….

i hate u jeff….i hate u……from the depth of my heart….i curse the moment

i married u…..God is this the hell they speak of ?//…if so, what is my

fault?//

i do not wish to add anything to this today…….i must take ur leave…

16-Jenny..dear jenny…

deby — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 08:17:40 +0000

Once, she was on leave.., saying she was sick. After sch I thought I’d visit her. The scene that greeted me was shocking.Jen did’nt come out of her bedroom, so i strolled in calling out to her. Jen lay there in bed, her face covered in blood that had dried
Her dress was drenched in blood from top to bottom.Jeff was not around. I said ‘What the hell Jen, what is this….Her left eyebrow had a gash half an inch open, blood had clotted in it ….

” I tripped and fell ..hit the sofa…” is what she told the doctor ,whom i had called.I even called up her parents who came immediately.The doctor did’nt buy the story..nor myself, nor her parents. Finally after the doctor had left, she admitted…Jeff had hit her.
”but why..?”we asked her.” Well, he kept saying dirty things to me.. n I could’nt take it…I too said things to him…..which he could’nt take….so….”…was all she told us.later after much questioning, she confessed a little more…He had caught her by the throat, n pushed her against the wall and hit her on the forehead with his fist..

But her diary reveals much more….

‘ He uses me not once , not twice…many times every

night….for one thing, I cannot take it so often, after a

heavy schedule in school. Then , the smell of alcohol

on his breath….God, I feel nauseous. And then, when

I get pregnant, he hits me and kicks me on the

stomach or wherever his feet happen to land…and his

abuses…..!!!!! and he asks me..’ whose sin I am

carrying…’ he is actually accusing me of

infidelity….does he really believe what he says….or is

this simply a cover for the inferiority complex he

seems to be developing…..i wish to God I could save

this man…God , if it is ur will that I shd save this man

from this sort of degeneration, then so be it…but

show me how, God….plz show me how….’

Another entry in her diary…another date…

It is all very well for my people to say, divorce

him……that will solve many of my problems…..or will

it really……?////…what about Jeff?…once I leave from

here…what would be the kind of life that he would

lead..?//he will drink without restraint……..he would

be found most of the time ….lying in the gutters of the

town, uncared for, unloved….he will die a dog’s

death…his mother is getting on in age….Jeff is the

father of my beautiful, innocent babies, after all…how

could i leave him to die like this…..given the many

gifts of skill n talents n understanding God has given

me….could I for the rest of my life, live with a question

mark…that had I given Jeff a chance…maybe..maybe

he would have changed….

if his drinking and the harassment he metes out to

me can be overlooked, then there is a Gem inside

that man, that is getting obliterated…..his total

sincerity for one thing…this man will die, but he will

never cheat anyone for personal gain….his heart

goes out to beggars or to the hungry….he is so very

unselfish, when it comes to material possession…the

respect n regard he has for his mother..his

tenderness towards the children…..I am strong..he is

not….If I dont stand by him

today in his moments of weakness, then who will……

15-jen’s struggle with herself

deby — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 13:35:25 +0000

Jen put her heart n soul into bringing up her little one…Like every other married working woman, she bore the pressures of sch work, of bringing up her child and attending to other things on the home front. Fortunately for her, she found a very warm n efficient nurse-maid to care for her baby in her absence.Jen considered her a real Godsend…

Within a yr of baby Diana’s birth, Jen got pregnant twice in succession, and she had to abort, much against her wish….

from her diary…

I hate this idea of abortion…..The beginning of a

life..to just stub it out like that, at its root…I dont like

tampering with Nature, in any form…But I have to be

practical….first the job, then attention towards

Diana,… finances apart…and Jeff’s attitude….I ‘d

prefer natural prevention mthds but Jeff does’nt

co-operate.I have no choice….

Baby Diana had barely celebrated her first birthday, when Jen conceived again….She said she was going ahead with this one…
On Oct 30th Jen bore a boy child……..She was again thrilled to the core. But the joy that these moments bring in every woman’s life…Jen was deprived of all this becoz of another problem that was looming large over Jen’s life…In the beginning she did not even realize it.

For all his indifference, Jeff showed a definite tendency towards extreme possessiveness towards Jenny.He could’nt tolerate her speaking to any male or any male speaking to her….His drunken-ness combined with this freak streak in him was to take gigantic proportions later…

First under the scanner came her own father. Jen’s place was in the heart of the city, while her parents lived about 5 kms away…So, there were occasions when her father came to town for provisions n dropped by to see Jen..These occasions became nightmares for Jen.Following evry visit Jeff started harassing Jen..first it was verbal, and then gradually it degenerated into domestic violence .

From her diary:

: How do I tell my father not to visit me..?…What

reason do I give…/I am fed up of making

excuses…Can I actually tell anyone, least of all my

father, that Jeff is actually accusing me of sexual

relationship with my father…/

Her father sensed something was wrong. He said as much to Jen’s mother. None of us knew at the time, what was going on.
Then her uncle, her father’s brother seems to have come into the picture…He too expressed concern..”"there is something wrong somewhere…”

Her diary tells it all…

” I’ve played as a child in his lap for God’s sake….he

has carried me around as a baby…How could Jeff say

the things that he does about Uncle and me….it’s

disgusting….“

Jen was never much in the habit of visiting anyone…She was always too busy….first it was her studies, her hobbies..music, bks..now it was her commitments….But Jeff’s family was large…he had relatives settled in Pune, Bombay, Bangalore and abroad as well….When they came down, they always put up at Jeff’s place , that being the ancestral home ..and jeff’s mother, the seniormost in their family, lived there.

Jen came across as the perfect hostess…inspite of the differences with regard to property issues, they went out of their way to show their respect n love for Jen. Right from the way she set the table to the way , she organized the family get-togethers that were so much a part of Jeff’s house-hold; from the way she built bridges between family members, when they gave in to differences…Jen was truly everybody’s pet….and they showered her with compliments, without any reserve. Here’s where the problem arose……If it happened that the male members of the family spoke well of Jenny or to Jenny, then Jen had it.

From her diary……..

How can I distance myself from these people…..they r

just being normal….shd i keep distance, there is the

risk that thay will feel unwelcome..that will only fire

the latent enemities a little more…..i cannot ignore

them….as daughter-in-law of this house i will be

sending all the wrong signals if I did so..and they

happen to be jeff’s blood…beneath all the differences

i can also sense the strong blood ties….why does’nt

Jeff understand…..he makes such a fool of

himself…….

So marriages in the family, occasional visits by family n friends ..evrything turned out to be a nightmare for jenny, as it appears…

Her diary….

The fact that he does’nt even converse well with

people, compounds my problem all the more. To

ease the situation, I have to fill in for him…Keep the

conversation going..make light of things…and he’s all

daggers, whispering dirty things near me….

and thro’ it all i have to maintain a straight face in

front of everybody. Cant very well be creating scenes

by reacting can i ?/..And then what he does to me in

the night, god….! I’ve started jumping up evry time I

hear a sound..specially of his footsteps approaching

my bed….I fall into bed tired…and just when i am in

deep sleep, he comes upon me like a beast.

it appears jen speaks to herself, too in the

course….the depth of desperation, shd i call it.?/

from her diary..

Hey Jenny…..I feel like laughing at u….meeting of

the mind and heart first huh?….he does’nt even

know ur favourit colour, or ur favourite food….or

about ur passion for music, for reading…does he

know about ur beliefs, ur philosophies..ur

inclinations?/,….Does he at least care about

u?….ur acquaintances know u better than he does,

jenny….LIfe …I look u in the face today..and I

laugh at U…I laugh at the irony that is U…God…I

laugh at u too…..Is this, is this ur Creation??//…Is

this the world u created?…..I wish to look u in the

eye God and ask u…….what was ur purpose in

creating me..?// am I just a casualty in the scheme

of ur creation?/ I did not ask to be born…..what

plan of urs do I serve to fit in, that u have created

me and left me to burn in this hell, that u call

life?..Thank u God, but I dont need this life..My

spirit yearns to flee the trappings of this physical

realm…I wish to be freed…..”

Suicidal tendencies building up in Jen…?//but this

must have been one of her weaker moments…becoz

Jen was never one to give up….

14-the little angel

deby — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 16:41:17 +0000

It was the month of October of the following year…Jen was into her seventh month of pregnancy.As per custom, Jen was to go to her parent’s place for the next 4-5 mnths.There was a formal function. While leaving for her mother’s place , to every body’s surprise Jen wept……..usually on such occasions girls r happy to be able to go spend time with their parents.
Her diary reveals...Jeff will never visit me at my

parents’…He feels out of place there..He cannot see

them in the eye..And here in my absence, he will only

sink deeper into his bad habits..I am afraid I am going

to lose him…

On Dec 31st ..Jen became the proud mother of a cute little angel. She was ecstatic. I shall not go into the details of this great event in Jen’s life…Every woman who has ever held her first born in her hands knows only too well what this miracle of creation means to a woman..Apart from everyone else, who would a woman most want to share these moments of ecstacy with..?//Any guesses..?/.u all know only too well…
Well, Jen got the first slap of her life, bang on her face….

from her diary…...This boundless joy, this heightened

moment of elation, that fills my spirit….the one person

i wish to share it with…..well my heart weeps tears of

blood today. Jeff does’nt know what he is missing out

on…How could he be so

indifferent??????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

13-Jeff

deby — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 15:38:21 +0000

I kept asking about Jeff now and then. Till one day, she confided that Jeff was getting deeper into the habit.Things got a little more complicated becoz he had a group of friends, who came home to meet him..then they went out together and spent the evenings in bars. He had some good friends, who were concerned and tried to dissuade him, but slowly he started avoiding them.He started avoiding all good company. She tried her best to get him on to a job , so that there would be something to keep him busy . There were quite a number of openings…Jenny’s family, my family….we had put in word here n there …but Jeff was’nt interested.

Jen told us to stop trying. He was taking it out on her…..” I dont need my wife to go around looking for a job for me…..I will find it on my own steam…”…This is what he had been telling her.Jen expressed her fears…” I’m afraid he is developing an inferiority complex Deby..”
We had a lot of schoolwork, to take home and complete….correction of exam papers, writing of the log bks, setting of ques papers , etc and the like….Jen was always known for submitting things on time. She told me one day…
” He cannot even stand my doing this work at home, Deby ” He says…”r u trying to show me how busy u r and how efficient u r in ur work?/..that I am an idler..?.. a good-for-nothing ?…I dont need u to run my house either….u can leave whenever u wish…..”
Jenny was confused. “How do i tackle him..?/” she writes….”how do I make him understand that him earning, or me earning …its all the same to me…so long as there’s food on the table…, shelter, n clothing….what does it matter……..I only want him to be strong..mentally, emotionally, physically..I want us to be friends. I want him to be a self-respecting man”
Things got a bit more complicated when property hassles cropped up among his family members.Jen found his drinking binges were simply getting out of hand… She told him that if that was adding to his tensions, he need’nt worry too much..they could give up the house n shift into a rented place…he could just take hold of himself n the two of them could manage their finances fairly ..well…His reply to that, was , ” was she trying to separate him from his mother…it was ancestral property ofcourse..so she was’nt expecting his mother to move out with them…?//” She never dared to touch the topic after that.

12-as jen saw herself

deby — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 16:03:56 +0000

Given Jen’s nature, Jen survived till she did, only becoz of her capacity to transcend above the mundane realities of her life.She lived on a different plane, in a different world.It is not therefore my aim to merely focus on these ‘mundane realities’ of Jen’s life and leave it at that. The very purpose of the narration would be lost, if I did not open the windows into that unique world of Jen, for which she lived and breathed.There will be many out there like her…even among the readers of these blogs but unless
there is communication, unless there is interaction, ..how do we know..? And Jen always wanted that…interaction.She wished to be proved wrong , if she was wrong……. as much as she was ever in search of like-minded people, with whom she could share her world…..becoz in this world of hers, Jen often found herself alone.

…”bheed mein bhi

tanha……” she often writes in her diary.

Here is something written by her., in connection with beliefs, customs, practices. Jen was wildly independent in these matters. No one could force her to do anything she did’nt believe in.

Everything in nature evolves, at its own

pace…..except society.The evolution of society is

tampered with by the human mind…much of it is

hampered & tampered with…due to the tyranny of

the many over the few….beliefs enforced by

communities upon its members is nothing but

that… Anything that strives to arrest the growth of

the mind, …is wrong…it will be defeating the very

purpose of Creation. Accepted norms, beliefs,

practices…if they help a person grow into a better

human being, fine…if they create barriers and

impose restrictions…well i wonder what I would

do if I was born in 15th century Europe or in any

community that does’nt allow freedom of

thought…I would be termed a rebel or burnt at the

stake, most probably. The fact that a vast majority

believes in something , does’nt necessarily make

that something THE TRUTH…..For centuries , if

the majority could have lived and died thinking

that the earth was flat, and if it took one man to

prove they were wrong, then think about it.If u r

going to live and die by certain convictions, then

at least they shd make sense to u…”Truth pays no

homage to any society, living or dead…It

transcends boundaries of Time &

Space….”…something to this effect, even

Vivekanand advocated . It is these Truths I am

interested in.I will not go thro this life doing what

somebody else believes in. I will not allow anyone

to transgress on my life.,. just as I dont enforce

my views on anyone…If I dont see ur point, I am

willing to look at it from ur angle..if u can prove

me wrong, that’s fine with me, becoz I am

interested in the truth anyway,,,,whether it comes

from u or me does’nt matter. So by the same

principle.,whether a belief or concept comes from

this community or that, what does it

matter..?…hindu, christian, islam..u name it…what

does it matter…..there is so much richness filled

in every religion,..we have such a rich legacy to

draw from…how can we confine ourselves within

the narrow limitations of any one community…..its

like wearing the type of blinkers

that we use on horses.I refuse to go thro’ life

wearing blinkers…my horizons r broad,,…..I am a

bird that yearns to soar high into the skies n see

all that there is to see……

Parinda kabhi pinjare mein kaid nahi reh sakta

udta hai woh, aasmaanon mein

ya toh phir marta hai

kate huey pankon ke saath woh

zameen pe zyaada din jiya nahi karta……

The same thing, she repeats again in her diary in some other context……..