jennysdiary’s blog

My conversations with Abhi-02

ABHI : U know medical science says that around 50 withdrawal symptoms start..Whatever was given to us by God is taken away one by one by Him..

DIBYA : the wear and tear of any ,machine…….simple law of nature Abhi

ABHI :This is why I feel that our mind matures but our body gives way to Time, the supreme ruler of the universe… It is very difficult to accept this obvious phenomenon though..


DIBYA : more than being difficult to accept…..it is difficult to understand…….it is baffling is’nt it?

ABHI :Exactly so…Looking back I feel that it is only the other day I came to this earth..I can clearly remember my school days & college days as if they can be touched if I wish..As if they r sitting just beside me & talking to me in whispers…


DIBYA :memories have a way of getting filed in our system Abhi…..
gud ones… bad ones..so also experiences..or rather the mark they leave on our minds and hearts
……


ABHI : But don’t u find our brains amazing? It keeps something very trivial for 30 years with full care, but wipes out major events of life ruthlessly..It is really amazing!

DIBYA :I have commented on this many a times…
i think it has got something to do with the survival instinct…. the mind retains that which is conducive….the rest it tries to push into the interiors of the subconscious…..but there again…what goes into that realm of our existence never really disappears….
given the circumstances it gets triggered with an intensity that is surpising…. scars specially have a way of getting etched in the psyche..

ABHI : Absolutely true..Btw, Dibya…. I’ve got a nice idea..If u approve, we can write a story together..If u allow me I can start it…


DIBYA :u mean we cud do that?

ABHI :Certainly..Let me start it…
Once upon a time there was a fairy..She was as beautiful as a tulip, as soft as clouds & as tender as the moon..She had many admirers as it happens to be a lively girl like her..But she secretly loved a prince who was the son of the god of winds..One day she met the prince in a forest..Her heart started to throb so loud that the leaves of the trees started shaking..She became so red that the leaves became red also..She tried to say something to the prince but in the beginning could not express herself..But ultimately she could manage to say, “…” (U write what she could say)


DIBYA: ae hawa..yun mujhe chookar , mujhmein na jaane kitne taar ched kar tu yun nikal jaatha hai…..dhun jo nikalthi hai, tere choone se, mere dil mein yun goonj ut-the hain, taraane…kabhi ruk kar sun…..kya tera dil ise sun itraata nahi hai?……..dekh..yahaan har kali kaise muskura uthi hai, jaadu tune aisa kiya hai, mere jahaan mein……
Abhi, i wrote it the way it came to me..

ABHI : The prince said, “Oh my beautiful queen! I’ve no words to express my gratitude to God! He has sent u here. But the problem is I’m already engaged to a girl.”


DIBYA :ohhh………..now what?

ABHI : But alas! As we all know love is blind. It is not rational. It gets doubled when refused. So, the fairy became envious of the girl & wanted to know more abt. her from the prince. She asked the prince, “…”


DIBYA : well..this part is gonna be difficult for me….i’ll have to pretend to be what i am not and put myself in her shoes…


ABHI: But how can I write this Dibya? It is the mind of a lady & should better be described by u.

DIBYA : yeah….:)
so i’ll try..i am a lady Abhi.. and you know what i’d do if i was in that situation..???
u know that saying?…never try to keep a bird captive..let it fly free..if it is urs it will come back to you..if it is’nt ……it was never meant to be……

 ABHI : I’ve something very serious to say now. Have u noticed that the most difficult part of a story is to write proper dialogues? This is why u’d find that most of our writers narrate stories…. coz in that case u’ve the opportunities to express ur own views. But in case of a dialogue u’ve to put urself into the other’s shoes. U see u’ve put a long speech in the mouth of the fairy in the beginning….. but, is it practically possible for a girl to say such a lot to her heart- throb in the first instance?

DIBYA : well..I happen to really believe this….what r u trying to say Abhi?

ABHI :Only that we never put ourselves into other’s shoes. We do not try to feel other’s agony & ecstacy, joys & sorrows, pain & success..
And here starts all our  conflicts..We always try to see that  our problems get solved & in the process we do not care abt other’s feelings..

DIBYA : Abhi…do come straight to the point……..tell me more abt yourself…..
else this discussion will lead us nowhere…


ABHI : What do u want to know Dibya? I couldn’t get u. This is an academic discussion. Do u feel that we should not continue this?


DIBYA : you realize Abhi..u do betray a certain amt of bitterness , …..which gives one the feeling that there is much more to what you say than one can visualize..


ABHI : I’m awfully sorry for that. Have I hurt ur sentiments? Actually I wanted to draw ur attention to the fact that while reading a story we usually do not follow its mechanism. This is the craftmanship part of an art. What we give stress on, is the contents of the art. But the best of our heritage of art has underlying mechanism to be achieved through a long perseverance & toil..


DIBYA: it depends what u r inclined to achieve Abhi… there are those that toil to reach a destination..and those that derive happiness from the journey itself..they may or not make it to the destination……and they cud’nt care less…coz eventually….life is abt how we live it…what lies ahead is too unpredictable…conflicts arise out of setting urself goals, that while they may appear lofty usually crash on the rocks of reality..


ABHI : A true artist never tries to reach any destination coz he knows that there is nothing of that sort..He tries to describe the world as he sees it..He can see something different from the rest of the people with his third eye..

DIBYA : precisely Abhi……an artist shd express things as he sees it…..else his writing wud be bereft of his soul…….and he wud be doing a grave injustice to the reader…
I personally never attempt something which does’nt carry a part of me in it……in my writings I offer you a part of me…….and I dont care if I am labelled a gud writer or not coz I mean to only express myself..I do not pretend to be able to teach you something ..neither will I pretend to be what I am not…

ABHI : Exactly so. And in expressing his soul properly he needs to toil for the exact language. That is what I wanted to allude. But my humble request to u is not to take it at a personal level. It is absolutely an abstract discussion. I’ve been trying myself for long to find out the exact characteristics of art, the complex mind behind it. I wanted to simply share it with u coz I found a highly intellectual & inquisitive mind in u…

DIBYA : I used myself as an example Abhi…… nothing personal, I know…rest assured
coming to an artist……Abhi……I found that be it a poet or a writer of prose..or a painter…..or one skilled in the art of sketching…a sculptor..or a singer.. he has a heart and soul within him that vibrates and throbs on a different level from that of the common man.. he is tuned to a certain wavelength that is uncommon..which enables him to see beyond the obvious….his mind is seething with questions to which he seeks answers…
not becoz he is ignorant .. but coz he knows..how much there is to know..and how little he knows.. and in this self-searching and trying to understand his place in the scheme of Creation..he hears the tunes that others do not hear.. here language becomes but a tool to him,if he is a writer….. the colours and strokes become a tool to the painter….and the chisel, gives expression to the inner self of the sculptor.. and in trying to express himself….his heart and mind strive to find that which best expresses what he wishes to convey and i respect true artists for their attempt..and ability to play with the tool at their disposal

 ABHI: Beautifully expressed..I fully agree with u..”And the ability to play with the tool at their disposal”..This is the point I wanted to bring to ur notice..
Now I’ll tell u the other part of the story..I find there r broadly three kinds of people..One who is blessed with this capability, the other who does’nt  even care abt. it & some others who feel it in their heart but cannot express themselves..They’re the cursed ones..Here lies my grievances against God..If He didn’t endow me with the power to translate my mind into words then why did He give me a mind full of questions? This creates a fathomless agony within me…


DIBYA : can I try to tell you something? when you have something to say…….the heart usually finds its way…. it is the mind that scoffs at the method in which the heart may express itself…. it is the mind that looks for finesse in the method..
but dont you realize.. the human heart can be the most beautiul of God’s creations..
the mind can be no equal for it….in many ways.. so just let the heart speak..
and no matter abt the method..whether it be labelled this or that.. What one feels and thinks is what matters.. and if you can find those souls on earth with whom you can connect.. that is true communion with another…and with God..

ABHI : Then let us try again to finish the story of the fairy.. It was ur turn, I think..The fairy tried to know something more abt. the girl from the prince…

DIBYA : so the girl has to be a bit envious right?

ABHI : Yes, but discreetly..

DIBYA : u know Abhi, …..if the fairy really loved the prince, she wud simply let him be….her self respect too matters you know…if he was worthy of her love her love wud draw him towards her…she need’nt know abt the other girl…..

ABHI: But love is irrational..And possession cannot be absolutely neglected in a love affair..

DIBYA: I doubt I cud do justice to the nature of this fairy of yours Abhi….
 she goes against my grain absolutely.. for me love is something very sacred…..shall i  stray frm the topic slightly?

ABHI : O.K. let’s give the story, a turn..The fairy went  back disheartened & started emaciating day by day..She could not eat properly, her sleep was disturbed & gradually she became pale..One day she heard a familiar voice …….She came out and saw the prince standing at her door..Seeing him she felt that a locked gate has been opened in her..Emotions flowing out of her eyes like floods,she asked the prince in a feeble voice, “…”

DIBYA: if the prince came back to her, she wud wait for him say something wud’nt she? what is it that he wud say?

ABHI : “How r u my dear?”

DIBYA : My fairy wud try to find out how  he was , before letting her emotions flow….what  brought him there..whether all was well with him..

ABHI : Oh! U r as sceptic as any other lady, my dear..Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha..

DIBYA :Abhi..if she found that he had come back for her.. she wud just let her defences down…..she wud lay her head on his chest and let the tears flow…
surrendering to him totally.. and her tears and silence wud tell him all he needed to know……words wud be superfluous……

ABHI: O.K. I’ll try to give an explanation…The prince said, “My Dear, I lied to you..It was not possible for me to get into a  love affair at that point of time coz a demon wanted to dethrone my father from his kingship..I had to fight against him..I didn’t know whether I’d survive or not in the battle..So, I refused ur love then..I didn’t want to involve ur fate with mine at that time..Now that I’ve come out with flying colours, I’ve come to see whether ur love for me is still there , or has it  dried up in the scorching rays of life..

DIBYA : her eyes wud tell him all he needed to know Abhi…they wud mirror the love she nurtured in her heart for him..and she still wud’nt need words to convey her love for him…..

Abhi: But the pride of the fairy was hurt..She had suffered a lot coz of a lie..She said, “But I’ve spent myself up, my dear..Now I’ve nothing to offer u..”
 
DIBYA: that is why i said, i wud’nt be able to do justice to ur fairy..
for me..true love knows no pride or envy or ego….self respect yes…
 pride or ego….no..!!!

ABHI: Then u want to stop the story here..O.K. let them live happily for ever..U start another story..I’d try to follow u…

DIBYA:Abhi , U r drawing me into realms, i often traverse, all by myself…let me tell you one thing…i hv had my share of grieviances..and now I am sure U hv had urs….Of this I am sure that U have had serious conflicts between what ur heart desires..and between what the circumstances of ur life dictate
U know Abhi , there is something inside me, that  raises its rebellious head at the slightest hint of suppression…be it by any individual or by any institution…till I was 14, i scarcely knew what type of person i was…..or what I wanted in life….never had any clashes with friends or elders either..the reason was I was’nt even aware, i had a person called ME to grapple with..
then slowly I started becoming  aware of what makes me feel gud….i luved to trust ppl…i loved poems n what they conveyed to the extent, that I fell in love with the poets, knowing that most of them were long since dead., it did not matter to me…..I felt one with them..like I cud meet them at will, thro’ their thought processes…..philosophies interested me…my mind started raising many questions…abt religious beliefs, customs, practices…i found I never cud do the things that ppl do, without being convinced of the sensibility of what they did…
I never cud do things coz it was the Done thing…I questioned..and it is not as though i wanted that what i perceived as the Truth shd be seen in the same light by others….I always expressed my view, and left  the other person free to prove me wrong….to find the loopholes in my propositions…..and the ppl i  argued with were not all merely ordinary ppl..they were the best in their field….i wanted to be proved wrong….coz i know my views r very much in contrast with popular views…I use ppl more like a sounding board…..wanting all the time that I be proved wrong…coz out there where my mind thrives..it is quite lonely Abhi ..and i am as social as I am an individual, with a distinct personality that wont budge easily….so clash of sorts is always part of life…..but I live amicably with all around me…..
not coz I bow to their dictates…but inspite of being what am…..am I making sense Abhi?

ABHI: Certainly…now I get a clear picture of my friend….U r extremely inquisitive, rational and rebellious…..but surely u must know the fate that the likes of Socrates met with for going against popular beliefs……

DIBYA: ha ha ha,…I have often joked with friends, that hd I been born in another era..i wud certainly hv been burnt at the stake, like Joan of arc….for the common GOOD…

ABHI : but i find two forces always working within me…one..the centrifugal force working to tear all ties..and the other trying to tie me up with the material world,,,,,,I hv written a piece on this which i plan to publish soon…and now i understand ur passion for poetry…U know Dibya…only a true rebel is a poet…and only a poet can be a true rebel……

DIBYA: U can understand when I say, there is poetry in nature….there is poetry within me and without me…..and I mean to strike a harmony betweext the two..else what purpose , life?..surely i am not going to sacrifice my life at the altar of falsehood…..I will live true to myself……and I tell the person opposite me….u live the way u choose to…if that is what makes u happy…..if u dont have the guts to stand up for urself, then sorry no one can help you….but dont tell me that ur way is the right way…coz then I shall tell you that my way is right..then wud u leave ur way and follow mine?…then dont ask me to leave mine…we walk our ways, but we r still friends if u choose to be, coz after all I love U as a person..and I expect U to respect my individuality  as a person, if not love me……

ABHI : and what is Love, Dibya, between a man and a woman..?…..is it dependence, or understanding or expectations, or passion or caring?..I have tried to find out but failed again and again……let me know ur views..I’ve something to tell you……

DIBYA: I am exploring this in the Maanav series ABHI…for me love is something u experience deep within u, for another…the one gets hurt and the other feels the pain much more than that one…U want the best for the one u love…..if that means a friend other than you, still ur heart wants only the best for that special one….U’d go to the end
of the world to see that one happy……this is not just what every poet or lover feels…..it is something I hv tested against my own feelings……and what I feel deep down for those I love…  


ABHI : To me Love is a soul-searching process…it is a concept rather than something material…..In one of his poems Tagore says, we leave behind half of our soul, in some other world, at the time we r born, and we desperately try to find that other half, throughout our life…but unfortunately our tunings never match with that other half..and we go on searching…

DIBYA : Abhi, u r speaking abt what I call a soul-mate…..as a comment on one of my Maanav series, someone asked me, whether there was a thing called a soul-mate…..I wrote back that down the ages, the yearnings that r written abt in poems….the never-ending Quest…..that if the need for a supernatural being to explain away, the mysteries that surround life…can give rise to a God, then definitely this yearning that if not all, but some of us feel to meet up with that soul-mate….surely that wud prove that there is a thing called a soul-mate..my heart burns sometimes with this yearning which is inexplicable….and as you say, there must be something……else how do u explain the yearning within…..U remember my poem?..THE ETERNAL QUEST?…..I have alluded to this in that poem….my poems usually flow from deep within me Abhi….I actually live those experiences that i write of…..and I fail to understand myself..coz there is no  one person I know, to whom I can attribute these feelings and say, this is the way i feel abt u….and yet those feelings and expressions of mine r real….

ABHI : now u have come to the crux of the matter…….as u said just now..that u feel something deep within ur heart, but cannot attribute it to any one…actually u r searching for ur inner self……it cannot be complemented by anyone outside……tell me what wud happen if u got ur partner?….wud the vaccuum inside you be filled up?
i think if we do meet up wid that so-called partner..then the quest appears  to  vanish and if we do not, then we experience pain..to hv failed in love reduces the self-confidence, coz it attacks the self esteem and the Ego…conversely a successful love affair only serves to satisfy our Ego..in a way it is again a soul searching or a self searching process…..

DIBYA : then why the yearning for something outside you Abhi….why the pangs of separation frm a being u do not even know, exists……or is it that, that being is caught in a time-zone other than that in which u find urself…?

ABHi : therein lies the magic of God..we try to find without that which lies within ourselves…..when after putting in a lot of efforts, we give up, then comes the call frm within…..we realize that love is neither a matter of absolute surrender, nor is it a matter of possession…..that is when enlightenment dawns upon ur spirit….

DIBYA : I hv often wondered abt this Abhi….has this yearning got something to do with one’s urge to merge with the Creator……is that what this inexplicable yearning is all abt?
I wud subscribe to Vivekanand’s thinking that We r part of the  whole and that this part is always wanting to merge with that whole…..he speaks of the divinity within which has to manifest itself…

ABHI : I do not know the answers Dibya..I am trying to find out in my own way…..but I must say it is a great pleasure talking to u…..the philosophy u mentioned is called Dwaitawaad….but I am more interested in Adwaitawaad…..but u must be sleepy now…we shall call it a day……