1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.

4. You’re smiling now because you’re an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There’s still a stupid smile on your face.

I apologize about this. I’m
an idiot and I needed company.

 

When I left work one
Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, I stayed out the entire
weekend clubbing with the boys and spent my entire weeks pay. When I finally
appeared at home, Sunday night, I was confronted by a very angry wife and was
barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting my actions.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where I could see her
a little out of the corner of my left eye….!!!

The
FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists:

Two
men and one woman..

For
the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and
handed him a gun.

‘We
must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the
circumstances.

Inside
the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!’

The
man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’

The
agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and
go home.’

The
second man was given the same instructions.

He
took the gun and went into the room. All was Quiet for about 5 minutes. The
man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’ The
agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home..’

Finally,
it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her
husband. She took the Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one After
another. They heard screaming, crashing, Banging on the walls. After a few
minutes, all was Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman,
wiping the sweat from her brow.

‘This
gun is loaded with blanks’ she said.. ‘I had to Beat him to death with the
chair.’

MORAL:

Women
are crazy. Don’t mess with them. 

There  were two nuns..



One of them was known as Sister Mathematical

(SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL)

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.



SM: Have you noticed that a
man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I
wonder what he wants.



SL:
It’s logical. He wants to rape us.



SM: Oh, No! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?



SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.



SM: It’s
not working.



SL: Of
course it’s not working. The man did the only

logical thing. He started

to walk fast er, too.



SM: So, what shall we do? At
this rate he will reach us in one minute.



SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll
go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.





Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is

worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.




Then Sister
Logical
arrives.



SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!

Tell me what happened!



SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so
he followed me



SM: Yes,
yes! But what happened then?



SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.



SM: And?



SL :
The only logical thing happened. He reached me.



SM : Oh, dear!
What did you do?



SL :
The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.



SM
: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?



SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.







SM: Oh,
no! What happened then?



SL : Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty.

HE
HE HE

A SINCERE REQUEST TO ALL MY GUJJU BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND FRIENDS. THIS IS JUST FOR FUN PLEASE DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY

An Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital
at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed
to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of
blood, it couldn’t be found locally. So the call went out to the neighboring
states.

'
Finally a Gujarati was located who
had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the
Arab and the surgery went through.
After the surgery, the Arab sent
the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds,
jewelry, and half a million US
dollars.

'
Once again the Arab had to go
through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more
than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab
sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a box of almond halwa (sweets). The
Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the
Gujarati’s kind gesture as he had anticipated.

'
He phoned the Arab and asked him
“This time also I thought that you would give me some thing like a Toyota
Prado, Diamonds and Jewelry. But you gave only a card and a box of almond
sweets.

'
To this the Arab replied
“Can’t help it, Bapu….. Now I have Gujju blood in my veins!!”

ADS

 

These are actual
ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and spell errors have no place in a profile description as
everything is straight from the heart!
 

Disclaimer : I am not
responsible if you forget your basic grammar after

reading this mail…



~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~



- Hello To Viewvers My Name is Sowmya , I am single i dont have male, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart…

when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter.. Thanks

yours Regards Sowmya ~*~

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from orissa state she

is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework

(Homework?)





~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~



Wants a man who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. he may never

create any difficulties in my life or his life by which the entire life can

run smoothly. thank you



(The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~





he should be good looking and should have a service. he Shoulsd have one

brother and one sister. he should be educated.



(ain’t it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~





I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love

to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am

looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than i. Because i love myself

a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ……..

hold

my hand forever !!!



(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)



~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~





i am simple girl.I have lot of problemin my life because of my lucknow i

amlooking oneboyhe caremeandloveme lot lot lot



(I don’t know why but this is one of my favorites)

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~






My husband should be as ‘Shiva’ as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tanwerr as

in KSBKBT……



(Ok I haven’t seen these
soaps but I am sure she must be demanding too much,

ain’t he?)

And a long one…

An ambitious software engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He booked
himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to
have the time of his life. At least for a while. A hurricane came up
unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly.

The man found himself
swept up on the shores of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing.
Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what
to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed
for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying
on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a
rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up
to him. In disbelief, he asked her: “Where did you come from, and how did
you get here?”

“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she said. “I landed
here when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” the software engineer said, “I didn’t know anyone
else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a
rowboat wash up with you.” “It’s only me,” she said, “and
the rowboat didn’t wash up: nothing did.”

He was confused, “Then how did you get the rowboat?”

“Oh, simple,” replied the woman. “I made it out of raw material
that found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove
the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus
tree.”

“But, but, that’s impossible,” stuttered the man. “You had no
tools or hardware - how did you manage?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” the woman said. “On the south side of
the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found
that if I fired it to a certain temperature, it melted into forgeable ductile
iron. I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But
enough of that. Where do you live?”

Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole
time.

“Well, let’s row over to my place then,” she said.

After a few minutes of
rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he
nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the
rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead,
dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, “It’s not
much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a
drink?”

“No, no, thank you,” he said, still dazed. “I couldn’t drink
another drop of coconut juice.”

“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have made a
still How about a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement,
the software engineer accepted,and they sat down on her couch to talk. After
they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, “I’m going to slip
into something more comfortable. Would you like to have a shower and a shave?
There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.” No longer questioning
anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made
from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to
its tip inside a swivel mechanism.

“This woman is absolutely amazing,” he mused.

“What next?” When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing
but vines strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, brushing
her leg against his, “We’ve both been out here for a very long time.
You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right
now, something you’ve been longing to do for all of these months.” She
stared into his eyes.

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing - this was
like all of his dreams coming true in one day.

“You mean…,” he replied, “I can check my e-mail from
here?”

C is a racing car that goes incredibly fast but breaks down every fifty miles.

 

*
C++ is a souped-up racing car with dozens of extra features that only
breaks down every 250 miles, but when it does, nobody can figure out
what went wrong.

 

* Java is a family station wagon. It’s easy to drive, it’s not too fast, and you can’t hurt yourself.

 

*
C# is a competing model of family station wagons. Once you use this,
you’re never allowed to use the competitors’ products again.

 

* Lisp looks like a car, but with enough tweaking you can turn it into a pretty effective airplane or submarine.

 

*
Perl is supposed to be a pretty cool car, but the driver’s manual is
incomprehensible. Also, even if you can figure out how to drive a perl
car, you won’t be able to drive anyone else’s.

 

*
Python is a great beginner’s car; you can drive it without a license.
Unless you want to drive really fast or on really treacherous terrain,
you may never need another car.

 

*
Ruby is a car that was formed when the Perl, Python and Smalltalk cars
were involved in a three-way collision. A Japanese mechanic found the
pieces and put together a car which many people think was better than
the sum of the parts.

 

*
Fortran is a pretty primitive car; it’ll go very quickly as long as you
are only going along roads that are perfectly straight. It is believed
that learning to drive a Fortran car makes it impossible to learn to
drive any other model.

 

* Cobol is reputed to be a car, but no self-respecting driver will ever admit having driven one.

 

*
Assembly Language is a bare engine; you have to build the car yourself
and manually supply it with gas while it’s running, but if you’re
careful it can go like a bat out of hell.

A: Washington DC