licensedpirate’s blog

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:        

The fifth would pay $1.        

The seventh would pay $7.        

The ninth would pay $18.        

So, that’s what they decided to do.            

Since you are all such good customers,’ he said, I’m going to reduce the cost of,  your daily beer by $20.     

Professor of Economics       
University of Georgia                

For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.   

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern for the
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan 
Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan  National Correctional System facilities.

Good luck and God bless you.

Investment analyst and entrepreneur Dr. Marc Faber had concluded his monthly bulletin in June 2008 with the following:

”The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany/Japan. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I’ve been doing my part.”

Now Marc Faber wishes to apologise for the gross error in his previous comment. The fact is that if American buys a US-branded computer, the money won’t go to India. The money goes to Taiwan, South Korea, Singapore and Malaysia which produce the components, and a small amount goes to China, which assembles the computer. India produces lots of computer software, not hardware.

Any way you look at it, the US economy is doooomed!!

An elderly couple was vacationing in the American West. Sam had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. On the next to the last day of their vacation, he saw the perfect boots on sale, bought them, and proudly wore them home.

He sauntered into their hotel room and said to his wife, “Notice anything different, Helen?”

Helen looked him over, and said: “Nope.”

Sam replied excitedly, “Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”

Helen looked again. “Nope.”

Frustrated, Sam stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and clomped back into the room, completely naked, except for his boots.

Again, he asked, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT?” Helen looked up and said: “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Sam yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!”

To which Helen replied: “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam; you shoulda bought a hat.”

1. Change yourself.

‘You must be the change you want to see in the world.’

If you change yourself you will change your world. If you change how you think then you will change how you feel and what actions you take. And so the world around you will change.

And the problem with changing your outer world without changing yourself is that you will still be you when you reach that change you have strived for. You will still have your flaws, anger, negativity, self-sabotaging tendencies ' in short, your ego.

Since your ego loves to divide things, to find enemies and to create separation it may start to try to create even more problems and conflicts in your life and world.

2. You are in control.

‘Nobody can hurt me without my permission.’

What you feel and how you react to something is always up to you.

You can choose your own thoughts, reactions and emotions to pretty much everything. You don’t have to freak out, overreact of even react in a negative way.

And as you realize that no-one outside of yourself can actually control how you feel you can start to incorporate this thinking into your daily life and develop it as a thought habit. A habit that you can grow stronger and stronger over time. Doing this makes life a whole lot easier and more pleasurable.

3. Forgive and let it go.

‘The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.’

‘An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.’

Fighting evil with evil won’t help anyone.

Forgiving and letting go of the past will do you and the people in your world a great service.

If you don’t forgive then you let the past and another person to control how you feel. By forgiving you release yourself from those bonds. And then you can focus totally on, for instance, the next point.

4. Without action you aren’t going anywhere.

‘An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching.’

Taking action is hard and difficult.

Preaching or reading or studying endlessly gives you the feeling of moving forward.

To really get where you want to go and to really understand yourself and your world you need to practice. Books can mostly just bring you knowledge. You have to take action and translate that knowledge into results and understanding.

 5. Take care of this moment.

‘I do not want to foresee the future. I am concerned with taking care of the present. God has given me no control over the moment following.’

Why? Well, when you are in the present moment you don’t worry about the next moment that you can’t control anyway. And the resistance to action that comes from you imagining negative future consequences - or reflecting on past failures - of your actions loses its power. And so it becomes easier to both take action and to keep your focus on this moment and perform better.

6. Everyone is human.

‘I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps.’

‘It is unwise to be too sure of one’s own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.’

When you start to make myths out of people ' even though they may have produced extraordinary results ' you run the risk of becoming disconnected from them. You can start to feel like you could never achieve similar things that they did because they are so very different. So it’s important to keep in mind that everyone is just a human being no matter who they are.

It’s important to remember that we are all human and prone to make mistakes. Be able to see with clarity where you went wrong and what you can learn from your mistake.

7. Persist.

‘First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.’

Be persistent. In time the opposition around you will fade and fall away. And your inner resistance and self-sabotaging tendencies that want to hold you back and keep you like you have always been will grow weaker.

Find what you really like to do. Then you’ll find the inner motivation to keep going, going and going.

8. See the good in people and help them.

‘I look only to the good qualities of men. Not being faultless myself, I won’t presume to probe into the faults of others.’

Leadership means getting along with people.’

There is pretty much always something good in people. And things that may not be so good. But you can choose what things to focus on.  And when you see the good in people it becomes easier to motivate yourself to be of service to them. By being of service to other people, by giving them value you not only make their lives better. Over time you tend to get what you give.

So you, create an upward spiral of positive change that grows and becomes stronger.

9. Be congruent, be authentic, be your true self.

‘Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.’

‘Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.’

I think that one of the best tips for improving your social skills is to behave in a congruent manner and communicate in an authentic way. People seem to really like authentic communication. And there is much inner enjoyment to be found when your thoughts, words and actions are aligned. You feel powerful and good about yourself.

10. Continue to grow and evolve.

‘Constant development is the law of life, and a man who always tries to maintain his dogmas in order to appear consistent drives himself into a false position.’

You can pretty much always improve your skills, habits or re-evaluate your evaluations. You can gain deeper understanding of yourself and the world.

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a sourceof water.  It got so bad that his camel died of thirst.

 
 He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
 
 
He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle. 

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie.  BUT this was no ordinary genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.
 
 
‘Vell kid,’ said the genie, ‘you know how it voiks. You got three vishes.’

‘I’m not going to trust you,’ says the Arab. ‘I’m not going to trust a Jewish genie!’

‘Vott’ya you got to lose? Looks ta me - you’re a gonner anyvay!’
 
 
The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was
right.  ‘Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.’

 
 ** * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * **
 
 
The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he
was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

 ‘Okee-dokee kiddo, vat’s your second vish?’

‘My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.’
 

** * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.

‘Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good vone!’

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, ‘I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!’
 
** * * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * *
 
He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you’re an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there’s going  to be a string attached.

This Year’s Christmas Song

You'd better watch outYou'd better not cryYou'd better keep cashI'm telling you why:Recession is coming to town.

It's hitting you once,It's hitting you twiceIt doesn't care if you've been careful and wiseRecession is coming to town

It's worthless if you've got sharesIt's worthless if you've got bondsIt's safe when you've got cash in handSo keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

You'd better watch outYou'd better not cryYou'd better keep cashI'm telling you why:Recession is coming to town!

Finance products are confusingFinance products are so vagueThe banks make you bear the cost of riskSo keep out for goodness sake, OH

You'd better watch outYou'd better not cryYou'd better keep cash I'm telling you why:Recession is coming to town.

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

‘Yes’ says the friend enthusiastically, ‘I remember when he first started school’

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the
price range of most people–whether they are employed or not.

2) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you
one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have
knocked out their predecessors.

6) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch
enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems,
deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their
captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit
level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12) It’s easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off–even while scuba diving.

14) You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian
officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or
Russian accent will do.

16) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: "Enter Password Now."

21) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary
to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.

22) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

23) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

24) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

25) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.

26) When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

Origami Bank folded last night.

Apparently Sumo Fund Managers went belly up and Bonsai Bank, after a period of stunted growth, now plans to cut back some of its branches.

Kamikaze Bank took a dive and 1,500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

Onsen Bank has taken a bath and even Miso Bank is in the soup.

The share value of Samurai Bank has been slashed.

On the plus side, now is a good time to buy Karaoke Bank, its shares can be had for a song.