licensedpirate’s blog

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

A. He wanted cold hard cash!

Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

A. “Is that you mommy?”

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A. Frostbite.

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?

A. They take the psycho path.

Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?

A. Cell phones.

Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?

A. Spoiled milk.

Q. Where do polar bears vote?

A. The North Poll

Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?

A. In snow banks.

Q. What dog keeps the best time?

A. A watch dog.

Q. Why did the tomato turn red?

A. It saw the salad dressing!

Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

A. It let out a little wine!

Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?

A. Odor in the court.

Q. What did the water say to the boat?

A. Nothing, it just waved.

Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

A. Dam!

Q. Why don’t skeletons fight each other?

A. They don’t have the guts.

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R! ?We missed the R! We missed the R!”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…CELEBRATE!!!”

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
It has come to my attention that productivity has dropped drastically since Friday, June 11th. I’m not sure what’s going on, but please be assured that I’m monitoring the situation closely and will suspend or terminate employees who aren’t pulling their own weight. For the company to be successful, it’s important for all of us to work hard. We need to learn from the examples set by the following managers, whom I’m pleased to recognize.

John Tembo, Human Resources Manager:
I was walking past John’s office and heard him and several employees shouting “Goal! Goal! Goal!” When I knocked on the door, John told me they were watching a training video to help them achieve company goals. I have nominated each of them for our Employee of the Month Award. It’s important for all of us to focus on goals. As John said, “Without goals, our team will lose.”

Carlos Mendez, Sales and Distribution Manager:
Carlos called me on Friday morning to say he was ill and couldn’t come to work. His doctor had diagnosed him with a rare illness called socceritis. The illness affects patients for at least a month and there’s a chance of relapse every four years. As you can imagine, I was rather shocked and saddened. I wondered how we could manage without Carlos for so long. Perhaps Carlos read my mind, for he immediately put me at ease. “I’ll come to work, boss,” he said. “The illness isn’t contagious. I just need to return home to get 90 minutes of rest a few times a day.” What an example Carlos is setting for all of us. I am nominating him for our Courage and Inspiration Award.

Ravi Narayanan, Product Design Manager:
As of Friday, Ravi is testing an innovative program he developed called WHFH (Work Hard From Home). He believes it will not only increase productivity in his department but also lower costs considerably, particularly the cost of buying coffee and doughnuts.
Ravi came to work briefly on Tuesday and I overheard him saying to another manager, “Brazil 2, North Korea 1.” I asked him about it and he said, “That’s the number of customers we have in each country.” I was extremely pleased. I didn’t realize we had a customer in North Korea. I am nominating Ravi for our Innovative Spirit Award.

Hans Mueller, Advertising Manager:
Hans, as you know, is always looking for new ways to advertise, new ways to reach potential customers. Since Friday, he has been personally manning an information booth at the ESPN Sports Bar. I paid a surprise visit to the bar and heard Hans talking to an employee about something called “World Cup.” He told me it’s an acronym he’s using to motivate employees: WORLDCUP (Working Overtime Results in Less Disappointment and Creates an Upsurge in Productivity.) I am nominating Hans for the High Motivation Award.

Ming Yu, Technology Manager:
I found Ming coming out of a bathroom stall with a small battery-operated TV. He said he’s testing a video conferencing system that will enable employees to continue to work while doing their business. A few minutes later, I heard Ming telling his assistant how many customers we have in certain countries. I was proud to hear all the numbers, but disappointed to realize we have no customers in France. That’s a huge market that we’re missing out on. In any case, I am nominating Ming for the Bathroom Productivity Award.

-Author Unknown-

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

2. The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

3. “Dreamt” is the only word in the English language that ends in “MT”.

4. It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

5. In Chinese, the KFC slogan “finger lickin’ good” comes out as “eat your fingers off”.

6. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head..

7. We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.

8. Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines

9. Mexico City sinks about 10 inches a year.

10. Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.

11. Blue is the favorite color of 80 percent of Americans.

12. When a person shakes his head from side to side, he is saying “yes” in Sri Lanka

13. There are more chickens than people in the world.

14. The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.

15. There are more telephones than people in Washington , D.C..

16. The average four year-old child asks over four hundred questions a day.

17. The average person presses the snooze button on their alarm clock three times each morning.

18. The three wealthiest families in the world have more assets than the combined wealth of the forty-eight poorest nations.

19. The first owner of the Marlboro cigarette Company died of lung cancer.

20. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

21. The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

22. Our eyes remain the same size from birth onward, but our noses and ears never stop growing.

23. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.

24. A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a few weeks.

25. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

26. The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.

27. When the moon is directly overhead, you weigh slightly less.

28. Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never telephoned his wife or mother because they were both deaf.

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
A man asked a native American Indian what his wife’s name was.

He replied, “She is called Five Horses”.

The man said, “That’s an unusual name.

What does it mean?”

The old man answered, “It is an old Red Indian name. It means . . .

——–

——–

——–

——–

——–

. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG,”

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
1. Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world’s largest zipper manufacturer.

2. 40 percent of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

3. 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

4. On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

5. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog’s heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.

6. Ketchup was sold in the 1830’s as a medicine.

7. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.

8. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

9. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

10.Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa’s lips.

11. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That’s the opposite of the norm.

12. The original name for the butterfly was “flutterby”!

13. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand.

14. Mosquito repellents don’t repel… They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito’s sensors so they don’t know you’re there.

15. Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

16. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.

17. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the entire Nike factory workers in some countries.

18. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

19. Adolf Hitler’s mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

20. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

21. To escape the grip of a crocodile’s jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.

22. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

23.  The word “Checkmate” in chess comes from the Persian phrase “Shah Mat,” which means “the king is dead.”

24 The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat

25. “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language

26. Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries because Colgate translates into the command “go hang yourself.”

27. Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.

28. “Bookkeeper” is the only word in English language with three consecutive Double letters.

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
(Received via e-mail)

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.  Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this September from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.), responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary, Abdullah Amir, told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad.  We don’t ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth.”

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive, Osama bin Laden, explained, “We sympathize with our workers’  concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.  They are not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.”

“Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.  It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off.  I don’t like cutting pension benefits, but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as “There are no virgins in our areas anyway.”

A strike may not be necessary, however, as the number of suicide bombings has been decreasing lately.  This has been attributed to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.  Now that they know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”

2. “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “MT”

3. Almonds are members of the peach family.

4. The symbol on the “pound” key (#) is called an octothorpe.

5. The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called a tittle.

6. Ingrown toenails are hereditary.

7. The word “set” has more definitions than any other word in the English language.

8. “Underground” is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters “und.”

9. There are only four words in the English language which end in “-dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

10. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

11. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses!

12. The longest place-name still in use is Taumatawhakatangiha ngakoauauotamate aturipukakapikim aungahoronukup okaiwe-nuakit natahu, a New Zealand hill.

13. Los Angeles’s full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reinade Los Angeles de Porciuncula” and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its length, L.A.

14. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

15. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

16. Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.

17. Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.

18. Donald Duck’s middle name is Fauntleroy.

19. The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.

21. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

23. There is a seven-letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, “therein”: the,there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.

24. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

27. It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

28. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

30. The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti

31. ‘Stewardesses’ is the longest English word that is typed with only the left hand.

33. The combination “ough” can be pronounced in nine different ways; the following sentence contains them all: “A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.”

34. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

35. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning “containing arsenic.”

36. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian seal for that reason.

37. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
Today before you think of saying an unkind word,
Think of someone who can’t speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food,
Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife,
Think of someone who’s crying out to God for a companion.

Today before you complain about life,
Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before you complain about your children,
Think of someone who desires children but they’re barren.

Before you argue about your dirty house; someone didn’t clean or sweep,
Think of the people who are living in the streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive,
Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job,
Think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they had your job.

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another,
Remember that not one of us are without sin and we all answer to one maker.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down,
Put a smile on your face and thank God you’re alive and still around.


Life is a gift,
Live it…
Enjoy it…
Celebrate it…
And fulfill it.