licensedpirate’s blog

Most cricketers, who are not

comfortable in conversing in

English, usually prepare

themselves for some standard

questions which are asked when

commentators chat with them

during the awards ceremony.



Inzamam was once asked a

different question after Pakistan

won the match, for which he

was not prepared. He as usual

used his standard response to

the first question normally

asked after winning, with

hilarious consequences ……….

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn’t like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: “Ooh, I don’t often meet anyone in these parts.” They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.

The golden frog admitted: “Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit’s wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could!

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, “If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?” The barkeep says “Depends on how good of a trick it is.”

The drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.

The drunk, after finishing his drink says, “If I show you another trick can I have another free one?” The barkeep says “If it is anything like that last one, you can drinks for free all night.” The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts singing along with the frog.”

Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink ‘em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and frantically asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.

The agent wakes him up and says, “I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act.” The drunks says “not for sale”. The agent says, “Ok, 100 grand for just the scatting rat.” The drunk say, “deal” The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.

The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, “Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a wimpy 100 g’s?”

The drunk says, “Relax, the frog is a ventriloquist”

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

A. He wanted cold hard cash!

Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

A. “Is that you mommy?”

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A. Frostbite.

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?

A. They take the psycho path.

Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?

A. Cell phones.

Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?

A. Spoiled milk.

Q. Where do polar bears vote?

A. The North Poll

Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?

A. In snow banks.

Q. What dog keeps the best time?

A. A watch dog.

Q. Why did the tomato turn red?

A. It saw the salad dressing!

Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

A. It let out a little wine!

Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?

A. Odor in the court.

Q. What did the water say to the boat?

A. Nothing, it just waved.

Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

A. Dam!

Q. Why don’t skeletons fight each other?

A. They don’t have the guts.

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R! ?We missed the R! We missed the R!”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…CELEBRATE!!!”

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
It has come to my attention that productivity has dropped drastically since Friday, June 11th. I’m not sure what’s going on, but please be assured that I’m monitoring the situation closely and will suspend or terminate employees who aren’t pulling their own weight. For the company to be successful, it’s important for all of us to work hard. We need to learn from the examples set by the following managers, whom I’m pleased to recognize.

John Tembo, Human Resources Manager:
I was walking past John’s office and heard him and several employees shouting “Goal! Goal! Goal!” When I knocked on the door, John told me they were watching a training video to help them achieve company goals. I have nominated each of them for our Employee of the Month Award. It’s important for all of us to focus on goals. As John said, “Without goals, our team will lose.”

Carlos Mendez, Sales and Distribution Manager:
Carlos called me on Friday morning to say he was ill and couldn’t come to work. His doctor had diagnosed him with a rare illness called socceritis. The illness affects patients for at least a month and there’s a chance of relapse every four years. As you can imagine, I was rather shocked and saddened. I wondered how we could manage without Carlos for so long. Perhaps Carlos read my mind, for he immediately put me at ease. “I’ll come to work, boss,” he said. “The illness isn’t contagious. I just need to return home to get 90 minutes of rest a few times a day.” What an example Carlos is setting for all of us. I am nominating him for our Courage and Inspiration Award.

Ravi Narayanan, Product Design Manager:
As of Friday, Ravi is testing an innovative program he developed called WHFH (Work Hard From Home). He believes it will not only increase productivity in his department but also lower costs considerably, particularly the cost of buying coffee and doughnuts.
Ravi came to work briefly on Tuesday and I overheard him saying to another manager, “Brazil 2, North Korea 1.” I asked him about it and he said, “That’s the number of customers we have in each country.” I was extremely pleased. I didn’t realize we had a customer in North Korea. I am nominating Ravi for our Innovative Spirit Award.

Hans Mueller, Advertising Manager:
Hans, as you know, is always looking for new ways to advertise, new ways to reach potential customers. Since Friday, he has been personally manning an information booth at the ESPN Sports Bar. I paid a surprise visit to the bar and heard Hans talking to an employee about something called “World Cup.” He told me it’s an acronym he’s using to motivate employees: WORLDCUP (Working Overtime Results in Less Disappointment and Creates an Upsurge in Productivity.) I am nominating Hans for the High Motivation Award.

Ming Yu, Technology Manager:
I found Ming coming out of a bathroom stall with a small battery-operated TV. He said he’s testing a video conferencing system that will enable employees to continue to work while doing their business. A few minutes later, I heard Ming telling his assistant how many customers we have in certain countries. I was proud to hear all the numbers, but disappointed to realize we have no customers in France. That’s a huge market that we’re missing out on. In any case, I am nominating Ming for the Bathroom Productivity Award.

-Author Unknown-

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
A man asked a native American Indian what his wife’s name was.

He replied, “She is called Five Horses”.

The man said, “That’s an unusual name.

What does it mean?”

The old man answered, “It is an old Red Indian name. It means . . .

——–

——–

——–

——–

——–

. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG,”

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
(Received via e-mail)

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.  Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this September from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.), responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary, Abdullah Amir, told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad.  We don’t ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth.”

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive, Osama bin Laden, explained, “We sympathize with our workers’  concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.  They are not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.”

“Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.  It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off.  I don’t like cutting pension benefits, but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as “There are no virgins in our areas anyway.”

A strike may not be necessary, however, as the number of suicide bombings has been decreasing lately.  This has been attributed to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.  Now that they know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat… Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, ‘I need to get up and get a coke.’ ‘Don’t get up,’ said the Marine, ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine’s shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good, I’d really like one, too.’ Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine’s other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours… ‘Why does it have to be this way?’ ‘How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?’