licensedpirate’s blog

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: How long have you been a French Canadian? Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That’s me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I’ll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was Aug. 8.
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time”

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So you were gone until you returned?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: How many were girls?

Q: You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son: ‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car. The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, ‘Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.

The boy said, ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair … and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.

To this his father replied, ‘Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?’

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million dollars.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing which he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the 10 million bucks is.”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo’s temple and says, “Ask him again!”

The lawyer signs to Enzo, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him..” Enzo signs back, “OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno’s backyard in Woodbridge !”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The cunning lawyer replies, ” He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”

Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man: “Is this seat empty?”
Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Man: “So, wanna go back to my place ?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”
Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man: “What sign were you born under?”
Woman: “No Parking.”

Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman: “Do not Enter”

Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized !”

Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

Man: “I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.”
Woman: “You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?”

Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”

Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man: “I can tell that you want me.”
Woman: “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave.”

Man: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy:
Woman: “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”

Man: “Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species..”

Man: “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”

Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?”

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
There’s these three guys and they’re out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.

Now one of the guys just doesn’t believe it, and says: “OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.”

“The mermaid says: “Done.” Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: “Triple my I.Q.”

The mermaid says: “Done.” The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: “Increase my I.Q. five times”

The mermaid looks at him and says: “You know, I normally don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you’d reconsider. “

The guy says: “Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”

“Please,” says the mermaid “You don’t know what you’re asking…it’ll change your entire view of the universe…won’t you ask for something else… a million dollars, anything?”

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it’s usual power.

So the mermaid sighed and said: “Done!”

And he became a woman.

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
A young man from rural Queensland, Australia goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money. He calls home.

‘Dad,’ he says, ‘you won’t believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol’ Blue how to talk.’

‘That’s amazing!’ his Dad says. ‘How do I get Ol’ Blue in that program?’

‘Just send him down here with $2,000,’ the young jackaroo says, ‘I’ll get him in the course.’

So … his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. ‘So how’s Ol’ Blue doing, son?’ his father wants to know.

‘Awesome! Dad, he’s talking up a storm. But you just won’t believe this. They’ve had such good results with talking, they’ve begun to teach the animals how to read.’

‘Read?’ exclaims his father. ‘No kidding! How do we get Ol’ Blue in that program?’

‘Just send $4,500. I’ll get him in the class.’

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

‘Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to talk with him, and see him read something!’

‘Dad,’ the boy says, ‘I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room, sitting back in the recliner, reading the Courier Mail. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?”

The father groans and whispers, ‘I hope you got rid of him before he talks to your Mother!’

‘I sure did, Dad!’ ‘That’s my boy!’

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
“I’m going fishing.”
Really means: “I’m going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand all day, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“It’s a guy thing.”
Really means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“Can I help with dinner?”
Really means: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“Uh-huh.” “Sure, honey.” “Yes, dear.”
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“It would take too long to explain.”
Really means: “I have no idea how it works.”

“We’re going to be late.”
Really means: “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”

“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
Really means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“That’s interesting, dear.”
Really means: “Did you say something?”

“Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
Really means: “And I sure I’ll think of some of them pretty soon.”

“I can’t find it.”
Really means: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands.”

“You know I could never love anyone else.”
Really means: “I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse.”

“You look terrific.”
Really means: “Please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”

“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
Really means: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
Three men were waiting at Heaven’s Gate.

St. Peter arrives and says, “OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe.”

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it for about a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy struggles for a few more weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, “How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?”

He nudges the babe and says, “Tell them.” She says to the first two guys, “I lied.”

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors

A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to the mental hospital.

He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain. As he can’t fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

One of the patients happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.

The driver thought to himself, since there’s nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him & said “can’t even fix such a simple problem…no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver…” Here’s what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that.”

The driver was very impressed and asked “You’re so smart but why do are you here at the mental hospital?”

The patient replied: “Hello, I stay here because I’m crazy, not STUPID!”

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, ‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names’.

The elderly lady hung her head. ‘I have to tell you the truth,’ she said. ‘His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old a**hole what his name is.’