licensedpirate’s blog

And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER; she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB; she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND; she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIR HEAD; she is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY; she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS; she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER; he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST P**; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He doesn’t have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

I take it you already know of tough and bough and cough and dough?Others may stumble, but not you,on hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.Well done!  And now you wish, perhaps,to learn of less familiar traps?

Beware of heard, a dreadful word,that looks like beard and sounds like bird.And dead -- it's said like bed not bead --and for goodness' sake don't call it deed!Watch out for meat and great and threat(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt)

A moth is not the moth in mother,nor both in bother, broth in brother.And here is not a match for there,nor dear and fear for bear and pear.And then there's dose and rose and lose --just look them up -- and goose and choose,and cork and work and card and ward,and font and front and word and sword,and do and go and thwart and cart --come, come I've hardly made a start.A dreadful language?  Man alive.I'd mastered it when I was five.

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