licensedpirate's blog

Cricketers !!! GOOD ONE!!

Licensed Pirate — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 02:41:08 +0000

Most cricketers, who are not

comfortable in conversing in

English, usually prepare

themselves for some standard

questions which are asked when

commentators chat with them

during the awards ceremony.

Inzamam was once asked a

different question after Pakistan

won the match, for which he

was not prepared. He as usual

used his standard response to

the first question normally

asked after winning, with

hilarious consequences ……….

Tony Greg : So Inzi, that’s fantastic,

your wife is pregnant for the second

time and u must be happy!

Inzamam : Thanks Tony?,?.! All credit

goes to the boys. Everyone work hard

for it, especially Afridi. It was a tight

situation when he went in. Also Bob

Woolmer was keeping close watch on

progress and giving instructions. It’s

all team effort. Insha Allah, we all will

work together as a team, put in big

effort and deliver good result all the

time and will be able to REPEAT the

same result.

Tony Greg fainted!!!!!!

Careful What You Wish For

Licensed Pirate — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 07:56:26 +0000

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn’t like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: “Ooh, I don’t often meet anyone in these parts.” They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.

The golden frog admitted: “Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit’s wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could!

Rare Talent

Licensed Pirate — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 10:01:46 +0000

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, “If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?” The barkeep says “Depends on how good of a trick it is.”

The drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.

The drunk, after finishing his drink says, “If I show you another trick can I have another free one?” The barkeep says “If it is anything like that last one, you can drinks for free all night.” The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts singing along with the frog.”

Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink ‘em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and frantically asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.

The agent wakes him up and says, “I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act.” The drunks says “not for sale”. The agent says, “Ok, 100 grand for just the scatting rat.” The drunk say, “deal” The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.

The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, “Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a wimpy 100 g’s?”

The drunk says, “Relax, the frog is a ventriloquist”

Crazy U.S. State Laws

Licensed Pirate — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 01:49:27 +0000

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
Penal Code 6260, California State Vehicle Act, Chapter XVIII, Paragraph 187, reads:
It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game bird or mammal–except a whale, from an automobile or an airplane.

Ordinance No. 16 of Columbus, Mont. provides that;
Any person who shall not lift his hat to the Mayor as he passes him in the street, will be guilty of a misdemeanor.

Boys are prohibited from throwing snowballs at trees within the city limits of Mt. Pulaski, Ill., according to Section 37 of the Revised Ordinances of that city.

All Wisconsin boarding houses clubs, hotels and restaurants must serve with every meal sold at twenty-five cents or more, not less than two-thirds of an ounce of cheese.

Connecticut General Statutes provides for the punishment by fine or imprisonment for the “Enticing of a neighbor’s bees”.

The Revised Statutes of Kansas, 1923, state: It shall be unlawful for any person to exhibit in a public way within the State of Kansas, any sort of exhibition that consists of the eating or pretending to eat of snakes, lizards, scorpions, centipedes, tarantulas, or other reptiles.

The State Housing Act of California, Sec. 74 reads: No horse, cow, calf, swine, sheep, goat, mule, or other animal, chicken, pigeon, goose, duck, or other poultry shall be kept in any apartment house or hotel or any part thereof.

In Alderson W.Va, an ordinance states: No lions shall be allowed to run wild on the streets of this city.

This is the law in Kansas: When two trains approach each other at a crossing, they shall both come to a complete stop, and neither shall start up until the other has gone.

In 1907, Michigan passed a law which reads: An act to provide for the lawful taking of suckers, mullet, dogfish, and lawyers from the Sturgeon River.

Questions And Answers

Licensed Pirate — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 03:25:23 +0000

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

A. He wanted cold hard cash!

Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

A. “Is that you mommy?”

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A. Frostbite.

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?

A. They take the psycho path.

Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?

A. Cell phones.

Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?

A. Spoiled milk.

Q. Where do polar bears vote?

A. The North Poll

Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?

A. In snow banks.

Q. What dog keeps the best time?

A. A watch dog.

Q. Why did the tomato turn red?

A. It saw the salad dressing!

Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

A. It let out a little wine!

Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?

A. Odor in the court.

Q. What did the water say to the boat?

A. Nothing, it just waved.

Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

A. Dam!

Q. Why don’t skeletons fight each other?

A. They don’t have the guts.

The Monastery

Licensed Pirate — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 07:42:58 +0000

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R! ?We missed the R! We missed the R!”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…CELEBRATE!!!”

2010 World Cup — Side Effects

Licensed Pirate — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 04:07:57 +0000

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
It has come to my attention that productivity has dropped drastically since Friday, June 11th. I’m not sure what’s going on, but please be assured that I’m monitoring the situation closely and will suspend or terminate employees who aren’t pulling their own weight. For the company to be successful, it’s important for all of us to work hard. We need to learn from the examples set by the following managers, whom I’m pleased to recognize.

John Tembo, Human Resources Manager:
I was walking past John’s office and heard him and several employees shouting “Goal! Goal! Goal!” When I knocked on the door, John told me they were watching a training video to help them achieve company goals. I have nominated each of them for our Employee of the Month Award. It’s important for all of us to focus on goals. As John said, “Without goals, our team will lose.”

Carlos Mendez, Sales and Distribution Manager:
Carlos called me on Friday morning to say he was ill and couldn’t come to work. His doctor had diagnosed him with a rare illness called socceritis. The illness affects patients for at least a month and there’s a chance of relapse every four years. As you can imagine, I was rather shocked and saddened. I wondered how we could manage without Carlos for so long. Perhaps Carlos read my mind, for he immediately put me at ease. “I’ll come to work, boss,” he said. “The illness isn’t contagious. I just need to return home to get 90 minutes of rest a few times a day.” What an example Carlos is setting for all of us. I am nominating him for our Courage and Inspiration Award.

Ravi Narayanan, Product Design Manager:
As of Friday, Ravi is testing an innovative program he developed called WHFH (Work Hard From Home). He believes it will not only increase productivity in his department but also lower costs considerably, particularly the cost of buying coffee and doughnuts.
Ravi came to work briefly on Tuesday and I overheard him saying to another manager, “Brazil 2, North Korea 1.” I asked him about it and he said, “That’s the number of customers we have in each country.” I was extremely pleased. I didn’t realize we had a customer in North Korea. I am nominating Ravi for our Innovative Spirit Award.

Hans Mueller, Advertising Manager:
Hans, as you know, is always looking for new ways to advertise, new ways to reach potential customers. Since Friday, he has been personally manning an information booth at the ESPN Sports Bar. I paid a surprise visit to the bar and heard Hans talking to an employee about something called “World Cup.” He told me it’s an acronym he’s using to motivate employees: WORLDCUP (Working Overtime Results in Less Disappointment and Creates an Upsurge in Productivity.) I am nominating Hans for the High Motivation Award.

Ming Yu, Technology Manager:
I found Ming coming out of a bathroom stall with a small battery-operated TV. He said he’s testing a video conferencing system that will enable employees to continue to work while doing their business. A few minutes later, I heard Ming telling his assistant how many customers we have in certain countries. I was proud to hear all the numbers, but disappointed to realize we have no customers in France. That’s a huge market that we’re missing out on. In any case, I am nominating Ming for the Bathroom Productivity Award.

-Author Unknown-

More True Facts

Licensed Pirate — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 02:01:45 +0000

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

2. The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

3. “Dreamt” is the only word in the English language that ends in “MT”.

4. It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

5. In Chinese, the KFC slogan “finger lickin’ good” comes out as “eat your fingers off”.

6. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head..

7. We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.

8. Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines

9. Mexico City sinks about 10 inches a year.

10. Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.

11. Blue is the favorite color of 80 percent of Americans.

12. When a person shakes his head from side to side, he is saying “yes” in Sri Lanka

13. There are more chickens than people in the world.

14. The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.

15. There are more telephones than people in Washington , D.C..

16. The average four year-old child asks over four hundred questions a day.

17. The average person presses the snooze button on their alarm clock three times each morning.

18. The three wealthiest families in the world have more assets than the combined wealth of the forty-eight poorest nations.

19. The first owner of the Marlboro cigarette Company died of lung cancer.

20. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

21. The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

22. Our eyes remain the same size from birth onward, but our noses and ears never stop growing.

23. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.

24. A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a few weeks.

25. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

26. The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.

27. When the moon is directly overhead, you weigh slightly less.

28. Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never telephoned his wife or mother because they were both deaf.

Wife’s Name

Licensed Pirate — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 04:47:50 +0000

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
A man asked a native American Indian what his wife’s name was.

He replied, “She is called Five Horses”.

The man said, “That’s an unusual name.

What does it mean?”

The old man answered, “It is an old Red Indian name. It means . . .

——–

——–

——–

——–

——–

. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG,”

9 Reasons To Hate About Everyone

Licensed Pirate — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 07:18:50 +0000

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do you point at your crotch when you ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their backside to search the entire room for the TV remote but refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn Right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?

4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film, “did you see that?” No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”… Didn’t give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is ‘new and improved’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.

8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do that’s longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?” If the bus came, would I be standing here???