licensedpirate’s blog

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
1. Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world’s largest zipper manufacturer.

2. 40 percent of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

3. 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

4. On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

5. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog’s heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.

6. Ketchup was sold in the 1830’s as a medicine.

7. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.

8. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

9. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

10.Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa’s lips.

11. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That’s the opposite of the norm.

12. The original name for the butterfly was “flutterby”!

13. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand.

14. Mosquito repellents don’t repel… They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito’s sensors so they don’t know you’re there.

15. Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

16. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.

17. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the entire Nike factory workers in some countries.

18. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

19. Adolf Hitler’s mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

20. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

21. To escape the grip of a crocodile’s jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.

22. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

23.  The word “Checkmate” in chess comes from the Persian phrase “Shah Mat,” which means “the king is dead.”

24 The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat

25. “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language

26. Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries because Colgate translates into the command “go hang yourself.”

27. Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.

28. “Bookkeeper” is the only word in English language with three consecutive Double letters.

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
(Received via e-mail)

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.  Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this September from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.), responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary, Abdullah Amir, told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad.  We don’t ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth.”

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive, Osama bin Laden, explained, “We sympathize with our workers’  concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.  They are not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.”

“Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.  It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off.  I don’t like cutting pension benefits, but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as “There are no virgins in our areas anyway.”

A strike may not be necessary, however, as the number of suicide bombings has been decreasing lately.  This has been attributed to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.  Now that they know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”

2. “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “MT”

3. Almonds are members of the peach family.

4. The symbol on the “pound” key (#) is called an octothorpe.

5. The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called a tittle.

6. Ingrown toenails are hereditary.

7. The word “set” has more definitions than any other word in the English language.

8. “Underground” is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters “und.”

9. There are only four words in the English language which end in “-dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

10. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

11. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses!

12. The longest place-name still in use is Taumatawhakatangiha ngakoauauotamate aturipukakapikim aungahoronukup okaiwe-nuakit natahu, a New Zealand hill.

13. Los Angeles’s full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reinade Los Angeles de Porciuncula” and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its length, L.A.

14. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

15. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

16. Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.

17. Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.

18. Donald Duck’s middle name is Fauntleroy.

19. The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.

21. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

23. There is a seven-letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, “therein”: the,there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.

24. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

27. It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

28. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

30. The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti

31. ‘Stewardesses’ is the longest English word that is typed with only the left hand.

33. The combination “ough” can be pronounced in nine different ways; the following sentence contains them all: “A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.”

34. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

35. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning “containing arsenic.”

36. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian seal for that reason.

37. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
Today before you think of saying an unkind word,
Think of someone who can’t speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food,
Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife,
Think of someone who’s crying out to God for a companion.

Today before you complain about life,
Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before you complain about your children,
Think of someone who desires children but they’re barren.

Before you argue about your dirty house; someone didn’t clean or sweep,
Think of the people who are living in the streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive,
Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job,
Think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they had your job.

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another,
Remember that not one of us are without sin and we all answer to one maker.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down,
Put a smile on your face and thank God you’re alive and still around.


Life is a gift,
Live it…
Enjoy it…
Celebrate it…
And fulfill it.

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat… Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, ‘I need to get up and get a coke.’ ‘Don’t get up,’ said the Marine, ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine’s shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good, I’d really like one, too.’ Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine’s other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours… ‘Why does it have to be this way?’ ‘How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?’

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn’t get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

A day without sunshine is like night.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stopped laughing.

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: How long have you been a French Canadian? Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That’s me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I’ll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was Aug. 8.
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time”

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So you were gone until you returned?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: How many were girls?

Q: You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son: ‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car. The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, ‘Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.

The boy said, ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair … and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.

To this his father replied, ‘Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?’

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
* A meal in Istanbul could include lamb eyeballs dressed in a traditional Turkish cream sauce.

* In Central and South America, iguana meat is sautéed and turned into a gastronomic casserole that is eaten with bread or rice.

* Australian aboriginals commonly eat chopped, marinated kangaroo tails and sugar ants.

* Pickled ram’s testicles and decomposed shark meat are among the traditional Icelandic foods that present special challenges for tourists.

* In parts of Asia and Africa, locusts are typically dredged in wild honey to give them extra flavour.

* And people still reportedly breed dogs for food throughout severely impoverished areas of Korea and China. North American and UK animal rights groups are working to ban the practice.

* Bear paws and filets remain a highly prized dinner in Russia and Eastern Europe.

* Fresh snake meat is readily available in Singapore, Hong Kong, Taiwan and Phoenix, Arizona.

* Chinese delicacies include shark fin soup and pigeon soup, while we here in the West have a fondness for goose liver pâté and frog legs.

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million dollars.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing which he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the 10 million bucks is.”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo’s temple and says, “Ask him again!”

The lawyer signs to Enzo, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him..” Enzo signs back, “OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno’s backyard in Woodbridge !”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The cunning lawyer replies, ” He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”